Year 7 son being racially and homophobically bullied in school

[ilovemyautumns]

After a difficult marriage, this summer i left my husband and took custody of my two children and upsticked and moved to another part of the country.

My son's a quiet type and I strong had reservations about this secondary school due to its reputation and with every other million thing i had to sort out with moving, family court i tried challenging this but they said theirs another school a long distance away.

Since my son's gone to this school and because he stands out as he's not from this area hes being picked on. Kids being kids pick on what's different and start calling him racial stuff and one of his uncle gave him a LGBT wristband which he wore to school. Big mistake ! the kids seized on this and to no end have been abusing him with homophobic words. He has made zero friends since starting in September and despite phone calls and meetings with the school teacher it feels like its being swept under the carpet as this school is literally called "Australia" in the area. Meaning like how Oz was a dump for criminals, all the kids who are expelled eventually end up in this school hence the analogy.

Some of the "sensible" kids are scared stiff of the bullies and don't speak out when witnessing things. My son says a police car always come to the school, fights all the time, the whole science class having to stay behind and be searched because someone stole the equipment, fire bells going off and using the toilet is like going into a torture cell.

Things have escalated where he is now being attacked. Last week of September as he was catching the bus and this was on a very busy high street he was jumped by the kids who knocked his glasses off and took his rucksack and threw it into the heavy traffic. His glasses smashed, phone screen smashed, clothes damaged (new uniform!) and books soaked through.

I have also started a new job and have to do the drop off for his sister too. I took time off (my boss is an arsh which is a story for another day) and the school secretary says the head of year is "busy" but i can "speak to her on the phone"

The head of year's response absolutely flabbergasted me! "Since it is out of school hours the school cannot do anything!"

luckily around that rush hour school time another parent (a lady from my street) she witnessed this and retrieved his bag and took my son to her home and called me. She said she'll back me in any action that's taken. I have a good mind to write to the governors but this same lady (whos lived in this area for yonks) laughed saying parents contact governors, MPs and Ofsted all the time about their kids issues but no action is taken. Its like a zoo! This is a huge contrast from his Primary.

Tomorrow is Monday and its another week of hell. I can't concentrate in my new job and my manager even said "put that phone away and use it during your designated break hours"
I'm going absolutely spare. I'm always feeling hot now, can't sleep since this has started and my son bless him is putting on a brave face.
He is very talented and did really well in Primary school and I feel where we are now he will be both academically and physically crushed! Their dad has still not been awarded custody BTW.

any tips I'm absolutely choking here

I get this. And I know you are in a difficult position, but how can you rest at work knowing that this is going on?
Can you not take some emergency leave?

I feel so bad for this child. It makes sense to move back to Essex and stay with friends/family than to subject him to this situation. How can it be that Essex rent is more expensive than London? Surely it makes sense to move back to Essex to perhaps a less affluent area and re-enrol him in his old school? Your poor DS has already been attacked and knife crime is high in London, why take that chance??

@ilovemyautumns

You need to put your child's needs first and get him out of there - I can't believe you moved to an area with school age kids and didn't do any proper research this is absolutely mental!!!!

You need to get moved if your only renting should be quite easy but if your ex gets wind of all this it'll make it very easy for him to get a better custody agreement especially if there's nicer schools nearer him.

Keep him home (with strict instructions not to open the door) and ask school to provide online learning.
Give notice for ending your tenancy.
Give notice for ending your job.
Move back to cheaper area in Essex. ( or relatives until you find a place)
Apply for schools in the area you're looking to live.
Look for another job.
Have a look at what financial benefits you're entitled to.

OP I really feel for you. This struck a cord with me as a mum, and as someone who was bullied at school.

Some responses here are idealistic and not really practical. My initial response was 'take him out' but you work, you have had a traumatic summer, new house, new area, fear of your job, financial strains. His education, mental health and safety all need to be weighed up.

Can you call this organisation to get help:

https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-and-support/if-youre-being-bullied/find-help-and-support

I do think this needs to be escalated somehow with the council as his life is at risk if he is being attacked and you don't think he's safe in his own home. He needs a new school and this organisation should be able to help you get that. It sounds desperate and I'm sorry you are going through this

Just to add this was also interesting about taking him out could be seen as an unauthorised absence.
I'm not a teacher so no idea if that would be the case. But it sounds like you could contact the LA? In Year transfers. There are also some of the education act (laws) here you could quote the school- if they are not following them there has to be consequences.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/bullying/

Request alternative education from the LA under S.199*.
It does state mental health, so that's good as the bullying would impact your child

A child is within this subsection if the local authority consider that, for reasons which relate to the physical or mental health of the child, it would not be in the child's best interests for full-time education to be provided for the child.

Jesus Christ op. Why aren’t you doing anything about this? If this had happened to you at work, would you be returning the next day for it to happen again? The police should have been called immediately after the attack and statements given while there were people/witnesses/cctc. I’d have marched to that school office and refused to move until the head either spoke to me or had me forcibly removed! Every single incident would have been reported to ofsted, every homophobic or racist comments reported to the police as a hate crime. If nothing had been done by this point (as long as you’ve let this go on) then I’d be at that school with a solicitor. And your son is FAR better off sat at home with you in work than going to a school where he’s been abused in almost every way imaginable. Your excuses for not doing anything are unbelievable. You’d rather send him to school where you know for a fact he’ll get attacked, than have him sit at home in case the bullies find out his address? If anyone turns up at the house then phone the police. Pull your thumb out of your arse and do something before your son ends up putting a rope round his own neck and becoming a statistic! Can’t he move back to his dads if you’re incapable of keeping him safe??

Just to add I’d also be voicing my complaints very loudly on social media, and also to the local press

This ^

I just keep thinking that poor kid. Going to school every day. Must be like walking into the Bronx.
I couldn't cope thinking either something worse will happen to him, he will do something bad to himself, or at the least he will be mentally scarred forever.
Read what I said about my son being in a similar situation a couple of years ago

I still feel shit for going against my better judgement and sending him there at all. I would not care one bit about getting into trouble-( you won't).
This needs proper action.
The school cant manage these kids. I saw that myself with my DS. He said the teachers could literally do nothing as they can't touch the kids. They would just walk out of classes, swear at teachers. Parents all scumbags.

We are no fucking angels in our jouse, but my Dc have never been exposed to thugs like that.

This too

Please don't do this at the moment OP, your son is already a target and this attention would make him vulnerable to even more emotional, verbal and physical abuse. The consequences of which are incredibly serious. If this goes on any longer, the risk of him harming himself grows.

I can't bear the thought of him walking into a place every day where he knows he will be abused.

I know it's easier said than done but fines for keeping him home while somewhere else is organised for him to go to are preferable to him being further harmed or harming himself.

This must feel like an unbearable, Groundhog Day cycle of trauma for him. I could cry.

Good point about broadcasting it actually. Main focus is get him out now!!
Like its always been said, if this happened to you at work and you were attacked on the bus home would you go back the next day?
Only a nutter would.

It's actually worse in a way with kids, as if an adult was attacked on the bus , hopefully someone would intervene and at the least call the police.
No one seems to get involved with schoolkids, even though we know that many carry weapons, beat others up for no reason and film it.
What a horrible society we live in.

Can your son go and live with a relative in a safer area while you get back on your feet? Newham is notoriously rough.

@ilovemyautumns not RTFT but I used to work close to where you are. One of my colleagues lived in Edmonton but their DC went to Broxbourne school so catchment didn’t matter then. There’s a direct train from Stratford. Bishops Stortford has good schools too and loads of pupils get the train so must live further afield.

I used to work on the railway there and lived in Stortford so saw loads of kids. Try them. Good luck!

UPDATE: this week in the canteen a satchet of tomato ketchup was squirted on his shirt ruining it and they walked off in hoots of laughter.

a group of them came approached him and said "hey white boy if you suck our and give us a tenner a week then we will protect you!" then they started explaining to him how they run things here "white boy". Thats what they now call him, yes by his ethnicity. I mean if this was the other way around their would be riots by now. But I don't want to turn this into a racial thing. I want him out of there now!

they openly vape in the classrooms, swear the teachers or in their own languages, have cover teachers who can't manage the discipline what so ever, they have gangs that fight all the time outside the school which are split into their district\ postal areas. Theirs a big crime family in the area and one of the parents who i've befriended told me everything. She said to survive here its best to look at the pavement as you walk and let everything fly and keep your kids locked indoor and makes sure they pass their qualifications and then get the hell out of this area.
last year one person got set upon by this gang in open daylight by a huge group like a pack of wolves near this string of takeaways. They literally beat the pulp out of him and the locals didn't dare call the cops. When the police did arrive and identified the leaders via CCTV the charges were dropped as their were no witnesses and the guy who was beat up his family was threatened.

People mention police, well put yourself in these shoes. If you were a local would you put your self in harms way?
About moving from Essex , trust me no one wants to move here. I weighed up my options and London has a fantastic tube network and the rent was cheaper. If i remained in Essex i could'nt get a job during the summer and even then they are all taken and the rents yes are sky high in Essex's. About family their lovely dad has fled to a NON-Remo country.

Next week I won't be sending him in, come what may. All of you, bless you, you have given me good ideas and encouragement. Some have said alternative education, online learning and I will really push for a school outside the catchment and take it from their.

What do you think that would achieve? What do you think the school can realistically do? School teachers are not magicians

Can you do your job, or similar, anywhere else in the country? It sounds hellish, and he’s only Year 7, so a lot of school years ahead.
You could try looking online for a job in a cheaper area then you’d have an idea of where else you could go.
You must be worried sick every day, and your poor lad is having a miserable time, please plan a move if you can.

Report tbe assaukt to tbe police, inform school governors accordingly and take you boy out of school for his own safety

You have mentioned a few times that you feel home education/remote learning is simply a naff version of education, I just wanted to point out OP that your child at this time is not learning a thing. ( Anxiety blocks any ability to learn ) and kept in this environment will not only ensure this continues but will be hugely damaging to his long term opportunities. Social anxiety disorder wrecks lives and quite often begins at the hands of school bullies.

I have seen you don't intend to send him back next week which is awesome. I don't know how old he is, but you could leave a mature 12+ at home for a limited period with mesures in place to increase his safety ( much much safer than what he goes through daily from what you have described ) and if you are currently taking sisters child to school, that suggests you are close enough for her to help also?

Please please don't send him back to that school. 😔

What work do you do OP? You are worried about your job, but it is an employee's market at the moment. If your job is not only in London, I would move away and start again. I love London and it can be a fantastic place to raise children, so many opportunities and things to do but you have to have a good school and neighbourhood and if you can't get these it's a tough existence.

Hi OP. Was going to post a couple of days ago but thought you'd left the thread.

Your poor DS, my heart goes out to you. Crappy absent ex, single parent, min wage job to live in a high price area (its London, even the crap parts are eye-watering compared with other areas), a horrid boss, and your poor bullied DS. Your situation is overwhelming.

Glad to come back onto the thread and read you are taking him out of there immediately. The school have had their chance and blown it. OFSTED and LEA need to know and might help but it takes time and in an overwhelmed area like the SE what can they really do? You can claim damage to mental health and that they send work home but ultimately please focus on finding a suitable alternative and by the sounds of it somewhere else to live and work.

Your ex sounds horrid but at least is out of the country so you can live anywhere, you aren't tied by distance. I don't know about Essex rents but you have an entire country to go at if you can't get a place in a better local school. I have friends from the SE who moved north and haven't looked back. The house they rent is lovely too, for less than a 2 bed flat where you are.

@Gemmanorthdevon has put it perfectly. Home Ed can seem very frightening for a parent even in the short term but for a bullied child it can make all the difference to their long term mental health, self-confidence and educational outcome. I did it for a year while working (WFH home admittedly but needs must), it was bloody hard at times but also fun and rewarding. Mine are at boarding schools now but we all think fondly of our home ed days, I'd do it again if I had to. There is loads out there on the internet eg Twinkl, IXL, you can access so much online at every level to suit his ability. Home-ed.info is an excellent starting point too. If your DC is old enough to take the bus on his own he should be fine home alone short term in the daytime. He won't be missing a single thing by not going to this hellhole of a school and has everything to gain while you find an alternative.

Omg that is horrendous. Your son is definitely better off learning at home with you.

The bullying will not stop, it will escalate.
Your child’s mental health is being eroded at a vulnerable time in his life, the risk of physical injury will increase with each incident.
Ask your son what he would like to happen. If he says for the bullying to stop he needs to know that it won’t and realistically he won’t be able to stop it.
Offer him the alternative of online learning, you could supplement this with joint learning activities at weekends and holidays. This could enrich family relationships and increase bonding.
Also look for hobby clubs for opportunities for him to socialise in a safe environment.
Going forward, plan to move away.
I would not send him back to that school.
If you home school you will not be fined. Home schooling can be fantastic, often it’s not where the parents cba but they’re not much checked upon. It is what you make it and online learning nowadays is very good if approached with a positive attitude.