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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been so stupid. Broken over MM

91 replies

jjj23 · 09/10/2022 19:23

I've written this out 3 times and deleted it because I know I'm going to get abuse and rightly so. First off let me say I know I've been completely in the wrong, anything you throw at me I've already said to myself!! All I'm looking for is some advice to get through this...

For the past few months I have been sleeping with a married man. I thought it 'just happened' and justified it that way but looking back he seduced me knowing I was vulnerable. Single mum with disabled child. It made me feel attractive again and was the first physical contact I'd had in years.
The usual lines of 'wife and I are together for the kids/we don't get on/no sex' etc. I believed all these (or at least told myself to) but after reading posts on here I now see how stupid I have been to think this was true!!
We haven't ever gone out anywhere, it's just been sex and obviously all on his terms. He's told me he really likes me and asked me not to sleep with anyone else. I took this to mean he had feelings for me but it's not true is it? It's just a control thing.

We speak all the time over text, im not even sure how he's getting away with it but we do. It got to a point recently where I was obsessively waiting to hear from him and my mood changed depending on his messages. I absolutely hate feeling like this!! Realised this must mean I am falling for him which is so wrong and I can't do this. Had a good chat with myself this weekend where I finally realised the truth and how awful I have been. I feel heartbroken, absolutely distraught that I can't be with him and that I've been doing this horrible thing.

I am NOT looking for sympathy as I know no one forced me to do this and I know how wrong it is. But how do I get over this?? How do I switch my feelings off?? I can't talk to anyone in real life as I could never admit to them what I've done.

Feel really low 😔

OP posts:
zen1 · 09/10/2022 19:41

You know he’s basically using you for sex OP. The cheek of asking you not to sleep with anyone else, when he’s probably sleeping with his unassuming wife and maybe other people as well. You need to work on your self-esteem. You are worthy of the time and love of a single man and the sooner you put an end to this, the better you will ultimately feel. It’s been a few months, so don’t let him have any more of your life. Your relationship with him is going nowhere, so take back control: block him on your phone / social media and resolve not to have any more contact with him. You know what kind of man he really is from the way he treats his wife. This is not someone you want in your or your child’s life.

InsertSomethingMotivationalHere · 09/10/2022 19:45

Agree with pp that you MUST end this and work on your self esteem. People are often so quick to pile on to the OW and I get why, but I have been there, and know how easily it happens when you're not happy and completely lonely. As someone who moved past it and cannot believe I ever did that kind of thing, I can honestly say you will never ever be happy or empowered while you're caught up with this prick. You are literally denying yourself the chance to be truly happy.

MsDogLady · 09/10/2022 19:56

…absolutely distraught that I can’t be with him and that I’ve been doing this horrible thing.

jjj, why on earth would you want to be with a cheating liar who mistreats his family? Would you actually bring him anywhere near your child?

You’ve been colluding to harm both his Wife and yourself. Put an end to those destructive choices by finding your agency and inner strength. Cut him off asap and refuse to allow him to hoover you.

Original poster
jjj23 · 09/10/2022 19:57

@zen1 @InsertSomethingMotivationalHere
Thank you both for replying and for being kind in your response. I've just taken the first step and have blocked his number (don't have him on social media). I thought about sending a message first but his response would probably upset me so I didn't bother.
I can't believe I have done this, it's so unlike me. I've just been so lonely the past 4 years that I loved the attention and I always assumed no one would want a single mum with disabled child. Doesn't excuse it but that's the only reason I can think of as to why I would have done this!!
Blocked now, just hope this horrible upset feeling I have will disappear soon x

OP posts:
Original poster
jjj23 · 09/10/2022 19:58

MsDogLady · 09/10/2022 19:56

…absolutely distraught that I can’t be with him and that I’ve been doing this horrible thing.

jjj, why on earth would you want to be with a cheating liar who mistreats his family? Would you actually bring him anywhere near your child?

You’ve been colluding to harm both his Wife and yourself. Put an end to those destructive choices by finding your agency and inner strength. Cut him off asap and refuse to allow him to hoover you.

No, you're right. When I read it like that I can see that. I would never be able to trust him and I'm sure if there was a future with him he would cheat on me too. Thank you. I have blocked his number, just needed the push to do it x

OP posts:
ipreferthecat · 09/10/2022 20:01

@jjj23 no judgement here

You sound like you have incredibly low self esteem and he has targeted you as you are vulnerable and lonely

These men can detect it and take advantage

Nothing worse than the obsessive text message fear

Onwards and upwards and better things await

romdowa · 09/10/2022 20:03

All I can offer is the comfort that in a few weeks time you will realise what a lucky escape you've had and rhat you haven't thrown away years of your life.
You were lonely, vunerable and this arsehole spotted you a mile off. There are plenty decent and kind me who won't care a fig that you are a single mother. Have your cry , lick your wounds and then look to the future

Grumpusaurus · 09/10/2022 20:03

Could you book yourself in for something that is pampering, like a massage? I get you were craving some physical contact and feeling low, so perhaps you need to have something to boost your general well being, aside from working on your self esteem and boundaries. Block this utter shitgibbon and do not look back.

Hue · 09/10/2022 20:06

You have done the right thing blocking. Don’t beat yourself up. Like you say, you were vulnerable and your life does sound tough. You shouldn’t be distraught after this time though. You actually answered your own questions in your post.

BestMammyEver · 09/10/2022 20:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsDogLady · 09/10/2022 20:17

You’ve already taken the first step of empowerment. It sounds like you’ve been in such a bad place. What sort of support system do you have for your child and yourself? Have you considered counseling to build your self-esteem and work on coping strategies?

Please don’t let guilt paralyze your momentum. You’ve put this right and are moving in the right direction.

Alibro79 · 09/10/2022 20:21

You're not a bad person. He's probably an expert in what he's done to you. It's a mistake because it has made you feel bad but don't add beating yourself up and feeling like a bad person to the pain of what you're feeling anyway.

You've done the right thing now, you couldn't let him carry on hurting you.

Concentrate on feeling better, you will soon. X

Bridetobe9 · 09/10/2022 20:25

The only thing that will make you feel better is time, but you have to let the feelings pass and you’ve got to go through them first! Don’t be tempted to unblock him or message him, at the end of the day he’s unavailable and you wouldn’t want him anyway, each contact you have will just ultimately make you feel bad about yourself again. Keep this in mind if you’re ever tempted to get in touch with him!!

DatingDinosaur · 09/10/2022 20:28

You can’t switch your feelings off but you can recognise that your heart and your head are telling you two different things.

Good for you for ending it. That shows your moral compass is getting back on track after a moment of madness.

Don’t beat yourself up about the morality of it – what’s done is done. But DO learn from it and do that inner work on the parts of your self-esteem that allowed it to happen in the first place so the next time a married man (or lovebombing player) trots out the hearts and flowers and compliments that your soul so desperately needs to hear, you’ll hear it, appreciate it, and see right through the intention behind it next time.

DatingDinosaur · 09/10/2022 20:30

Meant to add, what you’re feeling now is actually quite normal and healthy.

If you wasn’t feeling hurt, upset then that makes you a narcissist who just used him as much as he used you, with no remorse.

So embrace that anguish.

StaunchMomma · 09/10/2022 20:30

You know you've made a poor choice so it's about what you do now, OP.

What you should do is call it off.

Are you prepared to do that?

I get that you were vulnerable and odds on he has taken advantage knowing your self-esteem had taken a hit BUT you are a grown adult with agency, and you know right from wrong.

I don't buy into the argument that the problem lies with the married one at all. If you knowingly get involved with a MM then you have BOTH made a poor choice.

StaunchMomma · 09/10/2022 20:32

Just seen your update - well done, OP.

Don't keep beating yourself up, now. Everyone makes mistakes.

Whybot · 09/10/2022 20:36

go No contact .
the grief may take a year or a bit more .
forgive yourself ,
this is forgivable .
you are a stronger than you think .
love Us

WonderingWhatNow · 09/10/2022 20:40

Did you do an AMA thread about this op, where you said you had no feelings and it was just sex?

GoodStuffAnnie · 09/10/2022 20:43

Well done!! You are a tough and brilliant woman. How dare this prick treat you like this. He had used your body. Your body! He has trampled over your emotions and mental health, for his own needs. How dare he! Be angry. Stay busy.

Kernowgirlie · 09/10/2022 20:47

You deserve better! Well done on blocking xx

Kernowgirlie · 09/10/2022 20:48

GoodStuffAnnie · 09/10/2022 20:43

Well done!! You are a tough and brilliant woman. How dare this prick treat you like this. He had used your body. Your body! He has trampled over your emotions and mental health, for his own needs. How dare he! Be angry. Stay busy.

I love this!

Be angry. stay busy

zen1 · 09/10/2022 20:57

Excellent update OP! So great to see you’ve blocked him. Now you just have to ride it out and stay strong. You can do it!
PS: I know how hard it is to be the parent of a child with disabilities. Are there any support groups near you where you can meet other parents in a similar situation?

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2022 21:00

The feelings are strong now, but you need something to focus on, that distracts you, that's how I did it, then become in theory cold emotionally.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 09/10/2022 21:00

You've been targeted and used by a cynical man. Good for you, blocking him. Now take care of yourself and keep busy. Things will get better. Flowers