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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been so stupid. Broken over MM

91 replies

jjj23 · 09/10/2022 19:23

I've written this out 3 times and deleted it because I know I'm going to get abuse and rightly so. First off let me say I know I've been completely in the wrong, anything you throw at me I've already said to myself!! All I'm looking for is some advice to get through this...

For the past few months I have been sleeping with a married man. I thought it 'just happened' and justified it that way but looking back he seduced me knowing I was vulnerable. Single mum with disabled child. It made me feel attractive again and was the first physical contact I'd had in years.
The usual lines of 'wife and I are together for the kids/we don't get on/no sex' etc. I believed all these (or at least told myself to) but after reading posts on here I now see how stupid I have been to think this was true!!
We haven't ever gone out anywhere, it's just been sex and obviously all on his terms. He's told me he really likes me and asked me not to sleep with anyone else. I took this to mean he had feelings for me but it's not true is it? It's just a control thing.

We speak all the time over text, im not even sure how he's getting away with it but we do. It got to a point recently where I was obsessively waiting to hear from him and my mood changed depending on his messages. I absolutely hate feeling like this!! Realised this must mean I am falling for him which is so wrong and I can't do this. Had a good chat with myself this weekend where I finally realised the truth and how awful I have been. I feel heartbroken, absolutely distraught that I can't be with him and that I've been doing this horrible thing.

I am NOT looking for sympathy as I know no one forced me to do this and I know how wrong it is. But how do I get over this?? How do I switch my feelings off?? I can't talk to anyone in real life as I could never admit to them what I've done.

Feel really low 😔

OP posts:
User061022 · 09/10/2022 22:40

No judgement here. We all do things we thought we wouldn't be capable of doing. It's good that you've seen the light and are getting out of there. He clearly targeted you as you were vulnerable, and you needed that confidence boost.

What you think you have/had with him isn't real. Time will heal everything. It may not feel like it now but in a couple of weeks you'll feel better. In a couple of months, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

For now, you need to focus on yourself. Eat healthily, exercise, give yourself a pamper. You need to find ways to get yourself in a better mental state to give your self-esteem a boost.

Good luck!

Original poster
jjj23 · 09/10/2022 22:55

Going to try sleep and hopefully feel a bit better in the morning. I've taken screenshots of some of the replies so I can look back at them for a reminder x

OP posts:
Calligraph · 09/10/2022 23:40

No judgment as was in a similar situation albeit I didn’t have a disabled child. I was vulnerable after coming out of an abusive relationship.

MM at work complimented me, made me feel special, fed me the bullshit lies and made me feel upset if our plans fell through.

I called it a day as he got funny about me going out with a single friend, accused me of going out on the pull. I said he had a nerve for being with me when he was married.

He said I may as well be single and I said well, I am anyway aren’t I and blocked him.

A year later, met DH and been together for 10 yrs.
You will meet your prince some day but it’s not him OP.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 09/10/2022 23:46

Yanbu op. He's the twat not you. We can't help who we fall for. I fell for an amazing man once then found out via his fb that his partner gave birth to their 2nd child! He never posted things but her family tagged him in a post. I was so shocked. He said they were separated and I had no idea about the children. Some people lie to get what they want.

colouringindoors · 09/10/2022 23:51

ipreferthecat · 09/10/2022 20:01

@jjj23 no judgement here

You sound like you have incredibly low self esteem and he has targeted you as you are vulnerable and lonely

These men can detect it and take advantage

Nothing worse than the obsessive text message fear

Onwards and upwards and better things await

This.

Put it behind you and take really good care of yourself. Single parenting a disabled child is really hard 🌷

Gogglebag · 09/10/2022 23:56

Oh FFS. MNET are scraping the bottom of the barrel atm.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/10/2022 23:59

If he's cheating on his wife, he'd cheat on you if he were to leave to set up a life with you. You'd always be looking over your shoulder for the other woman.

Cut all ties, block his number and make it easier on yourself. Don't get drawn into his promises and protests when he spits his dummy out. Just block and walk away.

JestersTear · 10/10/2022 00:32

Is there a possibility that he might call around to see you if he can't get hold of you any other way? Have a plan of action in mind just in case.

Gogglebag · 10/10/2022 00:36

It's lovely to see that our teenagers' resentment of us being expressed by words! I'm really happy with that!

Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2022 01:25

Well done for getting out of the relationship. Don't beat yourself up. You are worth more.

Ydkiml · 10/10/2022 16:47

How are you feeling today ?

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/10/2022 22:01

Think logically - would you actually want to be with a habitual liar and his perpetually thirsty ego, and moreover have that as a role model for your child?? That shit would get old real quick…

I always assumed no one would want a single mum with disabled child

Fuck sake OP, it’s not a disease 😂
You need to work on your self esteem and sense of self.

yougotthelook · 10/10/2022 22:04

jjj23 · 09/10/2022 19:23

I've written this out 3 times and deleted it because I know I'm going to get abuse and rightly so. First off let me say I know I've been completely in the wrong, anything you throw at me I've already said to myself!! All I'm looking for is some advice to get through this...

For the past few months I have been sleeping with a married man. I thought it 'just happened' and justified it that way but looking back he seduced me knowing I was vulnerable. Single mum with disabled child. It made me feel attractive again and was the first physical contact I'd had in years.
The usual lines of 'wife and I are together for the kids/we don't get on/no sex' etc. I believed all these (or at least told myself to) but after reading posts on here I now see how stupid I have been to think this was true!!
We haven't ever gone out anywhere, it's just been sex and obviously all on his terms. He's told me he really likes me and asked me not to sleep with anyone else. I took this to mean he had feelings for me but it's not true is it? It's just a control thing.

We speak all the time over text, im not even sure how he's getting away with it but we do. It got to a point recently where I was obsessively waiting to hear from him and my mood changed depending on his messages. I absolutely hate feeling like this!! Realised this must mean I am falling for him which is so wrong and I can't do this. Had a good chat with myself this weekend where I finally realised the truth and how awful I have been. I feel heartbroken, absolutely distraught that I can't be with him and that I've been doing this horrible thing.

I am NOT looking for sympathy as I know no one forced me to do this and I know how wrong it is. But how do I get over this?? How do I switch my feelings off?? I can't talk to anyone in real life as I could never admit to them what I've done.

Feel really low 😔

Are you the same OP that posted recently that you were the other woman and we could ask you anything?
That OP also had a disabled child.

WonderingWhatNow · 10/10/2022 22:44

yougotthelook · 10/10/2022 22:04

Are you the same OP that posted recently that you were the other woman and we could ask you anything?
That OP also had a disabled child.

Show quote history

I asked that too. That op didn’t care about the wife… story is exactly the same.

yougotthelook · 11/10/2022 01:08

Gogglebag · 09/10/2022 23:56

Oh FFS. MNET are scraping the bottom of the barrel atm.

WonderingWhatNow
Yep and in that post the OP was positively gloating about being the other woman.
So if it's the same person my sympathy level is zero

missmamiecuddleduck · 11/10/2022 02:45

You did the right thing by blocking him.

As others said, treat yourself to some self-care right now. A massage sounds good. Satisfy the need for touch in a constructive way.

Do you have a friend or family member you can reach out to and plan something with?

AgentJohnson · 11/10/2022 03:03

Some women see MM who are interested in them as a prize, ‘he’s risking so much’, ‘I must be special’, ‘I can save him’ blah, blah, blah. The victim narrative of the unhappily MM is very strong and you’d be surprised how readily some women buy into it, especially when they’re hoping for the happily ever after pay off. I think we can all be the OW, given the ‘right’ circumstances.

You can’t change the past and beating yourself up won’t change it, what counts is what you do in the future.

yougotthelook · 11/10/2022 08:33

AgentJohnson · 11/10/2022 03:03

Some women see MM who are interested in them as a prize, ‘he’s risking so much’, ‘I must be special’, ‘I can save him’ blah, blah, blah. The victim narrative of the unhappily MM is very strong and you’d be surprised how readily some women buy into it, especially when they’re hoping for the happily ever after pay off. I think we can all be the OW, given the ‘right’ circumstances.

You can’t change the past and beating yourself up won’t change it, what counts is what you do in the future.

Absolutely not true. Some woman have a strong moral compass and would never lower their standards to be the other woman.
I've been propositioned many times by married men, but I've treated them with the contempt they deserve.

Original poster
jjj23 · 11/10/2022 11:21

Ydkiml · 10/10/2022 16:47

How are you feeling today ?

I feel a really weird mix of like I'm going through a break up but also a giddy excited feeling?? Day is easier but am struggling in evenings. He messaged me on Facebook (we are not Facebook friends) saying 'everything ok??' And I haven't responded (and won't be) but I guess I'm glad in a way that he has reached out. Blaaah this is horrible. Have a night with friends at the weekend so hopefully that helps! X

OP posts:
Original poster
jjj23 · 11/10/2022 11:23

WonderingWhatNow · 09/10/2022 20:40

Did you do an AMA thread about this op, where you said you had no feelings and it was just sex?

I haven't read that one but no!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jjj23 · 11/10/2022 11:23

AgentJohnson · 11/10/2022 03:03

Some women see MM who are interested in them as a prize, ‘he’s risking so much’, ‘I must be special’, ‘I can save him’ blah, blah, blah. The victim narrative of the unhappily MM is very strong and you’d be surprised how readily some women buy into it, especially when they’re hoping for the happily ever after pay off. I think we can all be the OW, given the ‘right’ circumstances.

You can’t change the past and beating yourself up won’t change it, what counts is what you do in the future.

True. I have learnt my lesson now and will never be falling for anything like this again!

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 11/10/2022 13:34

I've only just found this thread, and can see he's reached out on Facebook now. Go through any and all social media you have, look him up and pre-emptively block him to stop you being tempted to reply if he messages you through it.

Well done for taking the first step to end this - stay strong!

JFDIYOLO · 11/10/2022 13:50

Well done, OP. You've done the right thing, for your own self esteem and wellbeing. You're in the limerance stage where your brain is flooded with treacherous bonding hormones and the only way to reduce them is to end contact. He was building a harem, like animals do - isolating females off for his own exclusive use, and there may be others. That urge for excitement, lust, adventure is wired into us all and it takes courage and character to say no to it. It will pass - if you stay true to your decision. Been there.

Always4Brenner · 11/10/2022 13:55

No judgment from me just a hug you’ll survive this I promise. I’m crawling out of being duped fell for it while depressed unhappy for years. So no cold words from me.

Cheminaufaules · 11/10/2022 14:09

@jjj23 you said the thought of his wife finding out makes you feel sick. Why is that? Just curious, no judgement.