I've been so stupid. Broken over MM

[jjj23]

I've written this out 3 times and deleted it because I know I'm going to get abuse and rightly so. First off let me say I know I've been completely in the wrong, anything you throw at me I've already said to myself!! All I'm looking for is some advice to get through this...

For the past few months I have been sleeping with a married man. I thought it 'just happened' and justified it that way but looking back he seduced me knowing I was vulnerable. Single mum with disabled child. It made me feel attractive again and was the first physical contact I'd had in years.
The usual lines of 'wife and I are together for the kids/we don't get on/no sex' etc. I believed all these (or at least told myself to) but after reading posts on here I now see how stupid I have been to think this was true!!
We haven't ever gone out anywhere, it's just been sex and obviously all on his terms. He's told me he really likes me and asked me not to sleep with anyone else. I took this to mean he had feelings for me but it's not true is it? It's just a control thing.

We speak all the time over text, im not even sure how he's getting away with it but we do. It got to a point recently where I was obsessively waiting to hear from him and my mood changed depending on his messages. I absolutely hate feeling like this!! Realised this must mean I am falling for him which is so wrong and I can't do this. Had a good chat with myself this weekend where I finally realised the truth and how awful I have been. I feel heartbroken, absolutely distraught that I can't be with him and that I've been doing this horrible thing.

I am NOT looking for sympathy as I know no one forced me to do this and I know how wrong it is. But how do I get over this?? How do I switch my feelings off?? I can't talk to anyone in real life as I could never admit to them what I've done.

Feel really low 😔

How often did you meet him

If you block and ghost him (which you should continue to do, by the way) be prepared for him to up the ante. He will be seriously pissed off at losing his little controlled sex plaything and it will go Jen of two ways, possibly both. He will either love bomb you or he will become extremely abusive, or more likely, love bomb you and then become abusive when you continue to ignore him.

He won’t like you having the audacity to reject him. He will slate you and attempt to make you feel utterly shit about yourself. Think, “I only slept with you for a joke/because it was so easy”, etc. Brace yourself for that by making sure he can’t contact you anywhere.

Don’t be tempted to unblock to see if he’s pining for you, that will be dangerous and you will risk being sucked back in.

The fucking cheek of him to tell you to not sleep with anyone else though, while fucking his wife and god knows who else, is off the scale.

It’s good that you broke it off with him, but you were aware that you were sleeping with a married man from the beginning - right?, so In his mind he probably thought you were ok with it and had a mutual agreement that it was for sex, as you were fully aware of his circumstances.

he sounds awful, granted- but it takes 2 to tango. I think the realisation that the relationship won’t go any further has dawned on you, and you are disappointed and feel used as a result.

all you can do now is forget him, learn the lesson and move on with someone who is single.

Don't beat yourself up mate. I've been used and dumped and feel like shit but know it will pass soon. Men know how to catch us when we are at our most vulnerable. None of us are perfect xx

The next time he contacts you to say he's coming over, tell him not to. That this "relationship" isn't working for you and you don't want to see him again.

Then block him.

You don't need to be getting yourself involved with the stress that could come with it.

I know someone (not a friend) that was the OW... the wife found out and she absolutely humiliated and shamed her for it. She told all and sundry about the affair and she was relentless in her bid to bring her down. It's not worth it.

"I always assumed no one would want a single mum with disabled child." OP I think this is your problem more than anything. It's this kind of low self esteem that means you end up in relationships that don't nourish you, and that make you very unhappy. More than anything it's the belief you are worthy of love, commitment, respect, a healthy relationship that actually gets you one.

I recommend reading baggage reclaim which has a lot of posts about being the "other woman" and how to get out of it... eg www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-would-we-choose-to-be-in-the-shadows-of-an-affair/

Find a new habit. You find it more difficult because you will do things like go to text him or call him because you are used to doing it, find something else to distract yourself until you are out of the habit of contacting him.

I am so proud of you. It is sooo sooo difficult to break it off with someone who claims they have feelings for you -but do not choose for you.
It took me 7 years.
Well done you.
Blocking him on everything is the only way. Don't answer unknown numbers either. You can't be his friend either.
Keep busy and give yourself loads of hugs.. xxx

Look for podcasts and resources on healing from trauma and from abuse.

Abuse is when someone causes another harm for their own satisfaction. It would seem to cover this situation.

Self-care (not punishing yourself) will be important.

Your first job is accepting: this was abusive and he is an abuser (not just to you but his wife).

Just work on accepting that for now. It's enough right now.

I'm so touched by the responses, I expected to be eaten alive! And wouldn't have blamed you. Thanks all for being understanding.
I have blocked... but I think the next couple days will be the hardest. Can't tell if him messaging or not messaging would be worse.
The thought of his wife ever finding out makes me feel sick.
Never thought you could feel heartbreak over someone you weren't in a relationship with x

Your broken hearted over the relationship you want not what you have had with this man. Be kind to yourself. He saw a vulnerable women and took advantage of that.

I'm feeling the sickness in the pit of stomach over this bloke using me. They really can be selfish bastards. I know how you are feeling, with all the guilt and self analysis. Think of all the things that were a turn off but which you swerved, as we women tend to do. I've got so far as his height (short) lack of substantial bottom teeth and useless at giving oral! Trust me, it helps.

If you weren’t always using condoms.. maybe get an STI screen, at least you d have no souvenirs of his fake “love” ór “feelings”.. and your freee !!!

Now that you have blocked him you should work on the loneliness so you don't fall in that trap again.

Very well done op, now just promise yourself that you will keep him blocked. You have learned a lot, and now you can move forward knowing you won't make this mistake again.

I think you were lonely and needing something, and I don't think anyone can blame you for that. Real love is definitely out there waiting for you.

I have a disabled child as well.

I used to feel judged and inferior

Ive actually come to realize that I cannot know how people perceive me, so why do I keep assuming it’s bad?

how would YOU see a mom of a disabled child?

I always used to assume they were just born strong and thank G that wouldn’t happen to me because I just could never …

so, I am choosing to believe everyone sees ME that way.

why wouldn’t people see you as amazing?

If I was looking for a partner, I would assume a parent of a disabled child must have some extra fortitude and depth.

Never thought you could feel heartbreak over someone you weren't in a relationship with

IMO this type of heartbreak is worse than heartbreak over an actual relationship. You’re grieving the idea of someone, a future, a fantasy, a person who’s turned out not to be the person they say they are.

You start to question yourself. “Why me”? “How could they do something like this”.

There still might be a little bit of hope. You may wake up in the morning and think it was all a dream then reality hits and comes crashing down. Everything you’ve imagined for you two won’t happen, the days out, the holidays, the dates, marriage. It was all just a fantasy. & that hurts.

OP, I’ve been there. Not a married man, a very single man, but once I realised we would never be together and he basically just pretended he liked me for sex and we would never be nothing more really broke me. It’s soul destroying. But the world keeps on turning. You will feel better in time. Trust me💐

You are 100% better off without a liar and cheater in your life. Because that’s what he is. If he could lie to and cheat on his wife - he would do the same to you. You wouldn’t want that would you? Nobody would.

Allow yourself time to grieve. Feel the emotions and go through the motions. That’s all you can do. Stay busy, do things to make you feel good. Don’t re-read any of his old messages. Don’t look him up on social media. Go full on no contact and cold turkey. It won’t be easy. It never is. But you will get through it.

This will make you a better and stronger person ❤

Shitgibbon.😂😂😂😂

Don’t beat yourself up. You wanted some love and affection. He saw your vulnerability and pounced.
I hope you meet someone who really cares for you.

Good luck go easy on yourself and don’t relapse or look back. Try to keep busy, exercise if you can and practice self care. It sounds like he was using you I’m sorry but you are better off without him. Much of it is to do with attitude and mindset and reframing things with a different perspective. Try to expand your social network with people who make you feel you can be yourself and whom you feel relaxed with and happy. Take time out for you and get your head and heart straight. Good luck 🤗

Well done for ending it and be proud of yourself that you will not be used anymore. Be proud that your have found your morals that you’ve always have had but lost sight of at such a difficult time in your life . Be proud that this was totally out of character for you . Be proud that you realise this is wrong . Forgive yourself and move on . He is a dog and you deserve better in your life . You are now available for a real man . When your missing this dog remember he isn’t real , he’s a fake, lying, cheating , selfish , heartless, nasty shit of a dog and you were his venerable victim . Well know more . Be proud of yourself.

@Bridetobe9 is absolutely right. Give yourself the distance of at least a few weeks to gain some perspective.
For your own sake, remember how much you’re worth and how very little this guy values both you and his wife. He only cares about himself.
And remember the Three T’s: Things Take Time

You are worth so much more than this! You are a good mom taking care of a disabled child. He is horrible, not you!

You probably don’t want to think about this but might be worth getting an STD test.

Also treat yourself to some nice wine and crisps.

Well done @jjj23 x

You will feel less on a rollercoaster now.

I've just been so lonely the past 4 years that I loved the attention and I always assumed no one would want a single mum with disabled child

Look i don't know what your relationship opportunities will be (all you can do is try), but if you're going to have essentially just a sexual relationship/fwb with a man; there are a million opportunities with non married men. They might be younger (depending on your age) but at least theyd be single.