I've been so stupid. Broken over MM

[jjj23]

I've written this out 3 times and deleted it because I know I'm going to get abuse and rightly so. First off let me say I know I've been completely in the wrong, anything you throw at me I've already said to myself!! All I'm looking for is some advice to get through this...

For the past few months I have been sleeping with a married man. I thought it 'just happened' and justified it that way but looking back he seduced me knowing I was vulnerable. Single mum with disabled child. It made me feel attractive again and was the first physical contact I'd had in years.
The usual lines of 'wife and I are together for the kids/we don't get on/no sex' etc. I believed all these (or at least told myself to) but after reading posts on here I now see how stupid I have been to think this was true!!
We haven't ever gone out anywhere, it's just been sex and obviously all on his terms. He's told me he really likes me and asked me not to sleep with anyone else. I took this to mean he had feelings for me but it's not true is it? It's just a control thing.

We speak all the time over text, im not even sure how he's getting away with it but we do. It got to a point recently where I was obsessively waiting to hear from him and my mood changed depending on his messages. I absolutely hate feeling like this!! Realised this must mean I am falling for him which is so wrong and I can't do this. Had a good chat with myself this weekend where I finally realised the truth and how awful I have been. I feel heartbroken, absolutely distraught that I can't be with him and that I've been doing this horrible thing.

I am NOT looking for sympathy as I know no one forced me to do this and I know how wrong it is. But how do I get over this?? How do I switch my feelings off?? I can't talk to anyone in real life as I could never admit to them what I've done.

Feel really low 😔

You’ve been fucking someone else’s husband yet the thought of her finding out makes you feel sick.
Sorry I don’t get all the ‘well done’ messages, are people taking the piss ?
I hope that for any woman here, who one day finds out her DH has been shagging OW, she will be able to say ‘Well done’ to her.
Op it’s called actions and consequences. You’ve chosen to take no responsibility for this affair but you ARE partially responsible, so you should own that at least .

Sorry I’ve not read the other thread. So don’t know the background my apologies.

Absolutely agree!
Shagging someone's DH is always reprehensible and I couldn't and don't have sympathy for someone who has willingly put themselves in that position.
I do however have enormous sympathy for the wife, sat at home like a chump whilst her DH is having sex with the OP.

@jjj23

Forgive yourself.

Make sure you be careful in the future. There are revolting creeps out there who prey on women to get to their children.

Try to get a support group together for yourself in your community or even online. There are friend apps you could explore.

You're giddy and excited because he reached out. You see it as a sign you meant something and he cares. While he's reaching out and you're reading his messages, it's only as over as you want it to be. You know you can get it back and it's bouying you up.
This is dangerous territory OP and you need to keep your guard up. You will only move on from this when he is completely absent from your life so you need to do everything you can to hasten that, including blocking him everywhere.

Once again I’m going to go down the increasingly unpopular “don’t ghost him” route.

Send a closure (for you) message “I no longer want to be the “Other Woman” and on that basis I am ending our relationship. Please don’t reply to this message or contact me via other means. It’s over.”

I think you're playing a bit of the victim here and it's not really justified. I don't feel any sympathy for you. You knew what you were doing. I feel sorry for his wife. He's only reaching out to you because he's terrified you're going to tell his wife. You're an absolute mug. You've reaped what you've sown.

OP you’re in a mess but have the capability to get out of it. Once you knew he was married two things were equally possible. He was using you for his own enjoyment, or he was eventually going to leave his wife for you. The former scenario has transpired and even as you went along with it all, you knew it might happen. It has. Now to add to this you have the personal accountability of having helped him deceive his wife in the worst way possible, I’m not surprised the thought of her finding out makes you feel sick. Yes, you might have been vulnerable to his flattery, but you are a grown woman with agency here, he was no more a wicked moustache-twirling woman-seducing lothario than you are an innocent victim. If the genders were reversed here I doubt a man would be pitied and told he was a hapless victim for falling for the seductive powers of an evil husband-stealing siren. Both parties knew it was an affair with all the accompanying lies and risks on both sides.
You can help stop the sick feeling by cutting contact, and no longer helping him to betray his wife, and you can start to heal from the hurt of realising the truth about him and your affair and learn from it. You played a dangerous game and got hurt at your own risk. Stop hurting yourself and eroding your low self-esteem further with this, by completely distancing yourself from this and learn from it so that you never do it again. I truly hope you succeed and do better for yourself and your child. Now is the time to make the right choice, forgive yourself for what you have done and live a more honest life and be a better example and role model.

Wow well done OP.

I was with a MM when I was 18 it went on for 2 years. Except he glossed over the married part and pretended he was a single dad. Then as I fell in love he said the 'ex' still lived with him. I was never allowed in his home. I was his secret. But I was soooooo blind.
I was in deep.

The poster who said stay angry and keep busy is the best 4 word advice I've seen.

Realise your worth. And don't be said. Turn it into anger. HOW FUCKING DARE HE.
He is treating you like a toy. He's treating his wife like a mug. How dare this man treat women like this.

I promise this will get better. You will get over him. Keep busy.
X

OP, remember the difference between how you feel about someone, and how they make you feel.
You obviously held this guy in high regard, and developed feelings for him OR for the good things he made you feel.
However the truth of the matter is he has left you feeling lonely, and conflicted and ashamed of yourself.
So however you feel about him (heartbroken that it's over) also remember that he has made you feel ashamed of yourself and unvalued.
Don't put yourself in a position where people are able to do this.
The positive feelings you have for him will disappear with time and a bit of honest scrutiny. Be disappointed that it was all worse than you hoped, but don't grieve like you have lost a good thing, because you haven't.
The negative feelings he has left you with will require a bit of reckoning, over your self, your needs, the drive behind your behaviour, how to manage your desires, what are your unmet needs, how to care for and nourish yourself in healthier ways, why you did what you did and how to come to terms with it, basically. This is hard, difficult work and not pleasant to face, but if you do it you will be happier and that more whole on the other side.
You've done the right thing, absolutely no contact from now on. That's the only way to do it. You can also acknowledge that you made that decision, it wasn't made for you, and you have chosen to do the right thing. Take heart from that.
Good luck OP and find someone you can talk to about this, as you'll need an outlet and a sounding board, whether here or somewhere else.

Well done OP. That shows strength. Small steps and keep yourself busy . It will start to feel better. Do you have friends?

This thread is nuts!!!

OP... You're really quite clever to have come on here with a sob story to intentionally turn the narrative of being the other woman into your advantage! You've managed to get a lot of the women on here to actually sympathise with you and tell you the affair was all his fault... and to top it off, tell you that you were actually the victim! Unbelievable!!!

Does that make you feel even more in control? You not only have had an affair that the wife knows nothing about, but you also managed to persuade fellow women on here that you're innocent, deserve symapthy and praise!
Wow, you really are quite a piece of work!

Stop looking for sympathy, find some morals and stay away from men that aren't yours!

It is nuts isn't it?!?
The thing is all the women exuding sympathy would be absolutely horrified to find they were the wife in this scenario!

I have zero sympathy for you. You've colluded in the abuse of another woman.

Own your behaviour and stop playing the heart broken victim.

You really need to look at yourself and why your desperate need for ego kibbles and validation led you to this mess.

Block, stay blocked, and put in the work to do better.

Aw give her a break you perfect person !!