I think my partner might be seeing someone else

[WhatToD0]

Hi all, I'm awake and can't get to sleep with thinking about the state my relationship is in. Please be kind, I'm a bit of an emotional mess right now. By way of background, we've been together 10 years and have one child aged 3.

Over the last year my partner has become increasingly distant and we just don't spend any time together. We've talked about it and it's been blamed on the stress of us both having stressful jobs and a young child, plus a hobby we both do (mostly separately at the mo due to childcare). I've been upset about the lack of intimacy and wanted to make more effort to spend time together, but he just thinks it's the inevitable consequence of being busy parents and has said he doesn't want to put more pressure on ourselves. I've really begun to feel like I don't know what's going on in his life as we spend so little time together (mostly tag-team parenting).

By and large we've tended to operate on quite a high level of trust - both gone away with friends, stayed out after work nights out etc., and not questioned it. But his ambivalence about the lack of intimacy in our relationship has really started to make me a bit worried that maybe he's getting that elsewhere.

This evening he's gone out and he left his old phone (v recently upgraded) at home, which still has some stuff on it. I know I shouldn't have looked at it as it's a breach of trust, but I am going a bit crazy with not knowing what's going on with him and thought it might give me some insight. I found a v recent nude selfie, from belly button upwards (but it's clear he's nude). There was also a smiley selfie from a few weeks ago which was only head and shoulders but also obviously topless, taken at half past midnight and I could see it had been sent to someone by WhatsApp (but couldn't see who as it's now logged out on this phone). It obviously all looks really suspicious, but could there be any other explanations? I think if it were just the more recent photo, I might be able to explain it away as something else, but with the other one having been sent to someone, it just looks dodgy.

I know it sounds stupid, but I haven't actually believed thus far that he would cheat, despite how it all sounds when I read all that back. He was so scathing last year about a family member who did so.

Any advice on what I should do next? We have already agreed to sit down in the next few days for a serious relationship talk, so I could just be honest and come clean about looking at his phone, and ask him who the photos were sent to. I'm slightly reluctant to do that as I know he'd see me looking at his phone as such a breach of trust, and as I don't know who the photos were sent to or the content of any of his communications, I don't exactly have conclusive evidence right now.

Sadly suspect an affair. I would get a pic of the selfie and ask him who he sent it to. Of course he's going to lie but his reaction should tell you all you need to know. Until you find what you suspect, there is little advice to give. Before the chat make sure you have info available re bank accounts/ savings/house docs etc. Once he's discovered, he may act quickly as possibly already several steps ahead of you now.

Thank you @Ratherperplexed . It's what I fear..makes me feel a bit sick thinking about him with someone else. Our lives are so intertwined, and I can't even begin to think about untwining them. But I guess I might need to.

Still awake, mind still totally racing. The other thing that really rang alarm bells about his phone was that Snapchat popped up as one of the 'suggested apps'...meaning it's one he uses a lot, right? Is it common for people in their 30s to use it for some purpose I'm not aware of, or is this another big red flag?

Personally I wouldn’t ask him about the selfies. If he’s a cheat he’s hardly going to tell the truth - he’ll most likely turn it round on you and you’ll end up feeling bad for looking at his phone. What possible reason could he have for having them on his phone other than cheating? If it was me I would use this time to obtain something more concrete, if I found it I would make my plans and leave. Sorry OP, totally shit situation 💐

Thanks @Changeee1546789 .

Yeah, as much as I'd like to think he'd be honest if I just asked outright, he's already probably lied to me about it so nothing to say he won't keep doing that.

God I'm going to be an absolute mess tomorrow...I've only had about 40 mins sleep tonight and just can't get back to sleep with all this spinning round my head.

I've been there and it's such a horrible position to be in. I'm so sorry.

What's your situation like? Do you have children together? Do you both work full-time? What about your house? Is it rented or bought?

Is his behaviour different in any way? Does he still come home at the same time every evening? Does he spend a lot of time on his own, on hobbies etc?

We have one child, and live in a rented house. I've started thinking about it and I could probably just about scrape to cover it on my own if it came to that.

His main social circles are work colleagues and friends related to the hobby we do. I imagine that if he is cheating, I'd know the person as I think they'd be related to one of those things.

The main change in his behaviour has been this distancing and loss of intimacy. I sometimes take our child away for the weekend without him, and he sometimes stays over at work nights out etc so there would have been opportunities. He also went through a weird phase recently of going for lots of late night walks 'to clear his head'. I don't think he'd have had time to go and see anyone but def could have been talking to them on the phone.

Im sorry you are going through this its horrible i know. I think he’ll just lie about photos and turn it back on you for looking at his phone. Perhaps if you can, wait and find more evidence and confront him then.

Don't let him focus on the 'breach of trust". The situation is that despite his assurances your physical and emotional distance are the normal consequence of your lives (which has a ring of truth but...) the disinterest on doing what you can to improve things and make little changes isn't the response to it that will keep your relationship alive. Things just didn't feel quite right and that was what made you do this out of character thing and look.
So it is with regret that is so, but the bigger thing is what you found and what it means.
Good luck with your talk op. My heart goes out to you.

Please don't tell him you've looked at his phone. Although it looks suspicious, it's not concrete evidence that he's cheating and if you tell him, he'll make a mountain out of a molehill as a way of deflecting the attention from what he's been doing, to what you have done.

Instead have that talk and possibly hint to him that YOU want to split up, as you feel HE'S become distant and you don't feel he's involved in your relationship anymore (without accusing him of affair). It's a risk, as he might turn round and say ok, or he might get scared and come to his senses, especially if he's only started to 'dabble' in perhaps online chatting.

Thanks all, appreciate your comments. I'm such a mess. Feeling so anxious about all of this, as if our lives are about to be turned upside down.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Cheating (if he is) in general is disgusting behaviour but imo, cheating on the mother of your child is a new level of vile. I hope you're ok

I would try to get more evidence as well. Perhaps surprise him one day when he's arranged to go out or going for his hobby, I'd get someone to mind dc and tell him I'll be joining him to see his reaction.

Thank you

Remember that your relationship isn't a court of law and therefore you don't need irrefutable proof of cheating. He's treating you disrespectfully, you've found naked selfies on his phone and can see at least one was sent to someone and he's behaving differently ... that's honestly enough.

That being said though, it might be wise to try and keep your counsel for now and do more digging if possible. Can you gain access to his phone? I know sometimes that's very hard to do.

You could also try the old 'damn, my phone is out of battery / frozen/ broken. Pass me yours as I just want to google such and such / make a call' ... just to see his reaction. If it's one of horror, then that's another thing to mentally file away

Ultimately though, This is probably not going to aid your mental health so have a real think about whether you went to continue the relationship under these conditions. You don't trust him, with good reason, so it may be time to have it all out with him not you really don't feel you can gain further evidence. Tell him you'd like him to move out and see if that concentrates his mind a bit

Someone I know used to tell her husband she was going out for a run, then she'd run to her affair partners, they'd have sex and she'd run home again.
Anything is possible if they really want to cheat.

Another one to gather more evidence. Also make sure you start planning your 'plan B' now so if it is indeed an affair, you are not totally blindsided. Hugs x

Thanks all. I am thinking about the best way to maintain my mental health because it is shot right now - I'm so anxious and not sleeping or eating properly. Part of me wishes I had never seen the photos because now my mind is filling in the many blanks, and I have no way of finding out for sure what they were.

It would be difficult to get hold of his phone because he is really guarded with it, but I suspect that would be the only way to really get the full story and find out who he sent those pics to. He seems reluctant to let me see anything on his phone e.g. will turn it away from me if he's looking at it and we're sitting or lying next to each other. I don't know if that's wanting privacy generally or something more suspicious. To be fair I don't really like other people reading my phone, and I'm not hiding an affair or anything! My phone just feels like something really private (hence the guilt about looking at his and a level of understanding about why he might be keeping his private even if there's not an affair).

We're supposed to be having a proper talk tonight and I'm honestly tempted just to ask him outright if there's someone else, based on the lack of interest in intimacy alone (not mentioning the phone or pictures at this point). I'm not necessarily expecting total honesty but at least can judge his reaction.

First rule OP is look after number one. So if tonight you confront him and he admits everything, have you got your ducks in a row to deal with the fall out? Do you have access to money, copies of key legal documents etc. Remember if he is cheating, he's already ahead of the game and you don't want to be playing catch up while he does the dirty on you. He may already have a few of his affairs in order to get through the consequences of his actions if caught out.

Don’t tell him about the messages. Start making an escape plan and do some more digging.

If there is someone else and you ask him outright, he will deny it and gaslight. Write down all the red flags you have shared here and have them to hand for the chat and ask him if there is anything he wants to tell you before you start.

The usual signs of affair partner are there. Mine displayed exactly the same behaviour. It's like they are following the cheaters manual.

Although some on MN suggest getting further evidence - that is very hard to do without access to his phone, a private detective or OW sending graphic texts detailing every sordid detail. I caught mine via a car tracker (easy enough to purchase). I had already worked out he was being unfaithful but not with whom. As we were in the process of putting equity into a business at the time I didn't want to risk being left up a creek without a paddle.

It is the not knowing your reality that's the killer. If he is having an affair he's denying you personal agency whilst putting himself before your sexual, mental, physical and emotional health.

If he admits to an affair during your chat. Keep cool and cards close to your chest. Just remember, he is only sorry once he has been caught, he's checkedked out the marriage, is several steps ahead of you and certainly not on your side. Really feeling for you OP as the pain of discovery and betrayal is so visceral. I'm a good few years out now from Dday, know I should have reacted differently but I was blindsided totally. I'd made excuses for his abuse, neglect and cruelty putting it down to him being severely depressed.

Good luck @WhatToD0 x

We had a talk. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said no but that he could understand why I might think that. I also asked if there had been anyone else at any point. Also no. He asked me if I'd been with anyone else (obviously no).

We had a long and challenging conversation about our relationship and why it is the way it is at the moment and have agreed some measures.

I obviously still have no answers to the phone/photo stuff as I didn't raise it, and it still makes me feel uncomfortable and suspicious that he's just lied to me, but quite honestly I'm just not ready to face that head on at this point. I'm going to get some counselling and see if I can work some stuff through for myself, and maybe will face it again once I'm feeling stronger and clearer on some stuff.

Hope your talk goes as well as it can do OP. I suppose the pics could be explained if he's trying to lose weight or something, for comparison (just thinking that I have similar on my phone). But coupled with the distance, lack of intimacy and the unfortunate predictability of some men with young children it doesn't look great.
Sadly even the ones that are outraged by others cheating aren't immune- everyone I can think of was shocked that my exh did what he did because he was so damning about cheats. Of course it was 'different' for him..

Sorry, x post. Counselling is a good idea, just to build your strength. I'd be keeping my eye out but hopefully he's telling the truth- if you've never had reason to mistrust before.

Well dear Mumsnetters, you were sadly correct.

He's been having an affair with a colleague for at least 18 months.

I went back into his old phone this morning as something didn't feel right about how we'd left things, and found an email asking him to review his stay in an Airbnb for 2 people on Friday night (he was supposed to be out with a group of friends from work). Found more emails about Airbnbs and managed to get access to his Airbnb account. Lo and behold, he's booked about 17 one-night stays for 2 people at various places near where we live in the last 18 months.

I sent him a message telling him I knew, and he called and confessed everything, then came home from work and we've talked about it.

I have been through an absolute rollercoaster of emotions today. From rage, to relief at finally knowing what was going on, to anger again, sadness, anxiety, grief.

It's utterly shit but at least now I know. I feel sick every time I think about him and the OW at their Airbnb's, and the lies he's told me about what he was doing when he was in reality shagging her.

Honestly it feels like I've seen all the biggest affair cliches in the last 48 hours - Snapchat, Airbnb's, 'biggest mistake of my life' etc. I also hate the OW right now with a vengeance. I know that's not the done thing (he's the one that betrayed me etc), but I guess it's easier to hate her as my feelings about him are far more complex and I have to maintain a relationship with him for our child. I sent her a text telling her she's destroyed our family and probably her own too (I said this to him too). I know that's also probably not the best idea but it made me feel better at the time!

At least he's suitably remorseful so is complying with every request I'm putting to him (I'm staying in our rented house with our child, and his job is to be the best dad he can be, be an equal parent, financially contribute to maintaining the home, and make life as easy for me as possible). I'm taking your advice and absolutely putting no 1 first.

God, what a day.