I think my partner might be seeing someone else

[WhatToD0]

Hi all, I'm awake and can't get to sleep with thinking about the state my relationship is in. Please be kind, I'm a bit of an emotional mess right now. By way of background, we've been together 10 years and have one child aged 3.

Over the last year my partner has become increasingly distant and we just don't spend any time together. We've talked about it and it's been blamed on the stress of us both having stressful jobs and a young child, plus a hobby we both do (mostly separately at the mo due to childcare). I've been upset about the lack of intimacy and wanted to make more effort to spend time together, but he just thinks it's the inevitable consequence of being busy parents and has said he doesn't want to put more pressure on ourselves. I've really begun to feel like I don't know what's going on in his life as we spend so little time together (mostly tag-team parenting).

By and large we've tended to operate on quite a high level of trust - both gone away with friends, stayed out after work nights out etc., and not questioned it. But his ambivalence about the lack of intimacy in our relationship has really started to make me a bit worried that maybe he's getting that elsewhere.

This evening he's gone out and he left his old phone (v recently upgraded) at home, which still has some stuff on it. I know I shouldn't have looked at it as it's a breach of trust, but I am going a bit crazy with not knowing what's going on with him and thought it might give me some insight. I found a v recent nude selfie, from belly button upwards (but it's clear he's nude). There was also a smiley selfie from a few weeks ago which was only head and shoulders but also obviously topless, taken at half past midnight and I could see it had been sent to someone by WhatsApp (but couldn't see who as it's now logged out on this phone). It obviously all looks really suspicious, but could there be any other explanations? I think if it were just the more recent photo, I might be able to explain it away as something else, but with the other one having been sent to someone, it just looks dodgy.

I know it sounds stupid, but I haven't actually believed thus far that he would cheat, despite how it all sounds when I read all that back. He was so scathing last year about a family member who did so.

Any advice on what I should do next? We have already agreed to sit down in the next few days for a serious relationship talk, so I could just be honest and come clean about looking at his phone, and ask him who the photos were sent to. I'm slightly reluctant to do that as I know he'd see me looking at his phone as such a breach of trust, and as I don't know who the photos were sent to or the content of any of his communications, I don't exactly have conclusive evidence right now.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I've also been that soldier. My exh had a 2 year affair with a colleague. I also was spun the lines about her being crazy, he wanted to end it, she wouldn't let him, threatening to tell people... It's so painfully hard to accept that the person we love could willingly hurt us that it's easier to believe them, at least at first - it's a process. But, ultimately, I realised that really and truly, how many women would (or indeed could) want to pursue or coerce a married man into a relationship with them? I realised that we each were being spun lies and sob stories and he was the perpetual victim. I never saw any messages between them, nor did I confront the OW, but I know that he likely told her he was in a terrible marriage, psycho wife, wouldn't let him leave, blah blah.

I'm glad you're putting yourself first and have sent him packing, and please don't make this your shame because it's not. While it doesn't yet feel like it, in the coming days and weeks you'll feel like a weight has been lifted as you've been living in such uncertainty the past 18 months.

I’m sorry op I only read your first post- I am so sorry you have found out that he has been cheating on you -I have been there and the sinking painful feeling is all too real Especially when you love someone so much and have a child together. Don’t message her again - she could accuse you of harassment.
This is his mess,
there is no need to have any kind of conversation with her he has told you he has been having an affair with her and that’s that
I know it’s really easy to blame OW but I didn’t blame the other woman with my ex cheated on me - she never forced him on her , He chose to go to her off his own free will and manipulated her . In the beginning I was very angry at OW ended up having a slanging match with a OW over Facebook and it started to turn nasty when her mum turned up at my door In the end I realise this was all his doing and not hers

You don’t know what he has been telling the other woman - Most women cheat with married partners because they think that they are going to be together one day- usually because the cheating party Has spun a pack of lies about their partner .. ie saying that they Want to leave their wife or partner, That they are living together but no longer together , the wife is a psycho blah blah , those are The Web of lies he spun about me to her- I know because she approached me one day after she left him and told me everything. He even told her that I forced a pregnancy on him when it was him who begged me for a baby !
Be wary of what he says to you that he wanted to end it with her -if he wanted to end it he would have he is only saying these things to you so you will take him back.

I suggest you surround yourself with friends and family who care about you and don’t throw yourself into work or isolate yourself like I did, it only makes u feel worse - take some time out to process what has happened and focus on your son
I doubt he will choose to be with this woman but if he did then you can’t really tell him who he can and can’t introduce to your son however I fully understand how upset you are about that it’s like a slap in the face And very unfair

I am so dreadfully sorry OP. The writing was on the wall and I so very much hoped I'd be wrong for your sake.

It hurts like no other pain but at the same time there is a cruel relief you now have an explanation for his behaviour.

Be tough right from the start, no pick me dance. I threw mine and his clothing out upon discovery. I went no contact and made it pretty clear I was moving on. Easier said than done when it involves the heart.

He will admit and blame everyone or anything now it's out, therefore you can't believe a word he says. Rather shocked he thinks you are so gullible to he just went a long with the affair as a passenger. It takes planning, deceit and premeditation to carry on an affair for 18mths. He's only sorry now he's been caught. He will turn this round and become the victim. Don't fall for it. You deserve so much more.

If you do decide to stay with him, it will eat you up. The never knowing if it's over, never knowing who he is with and where. It is very easy to become a shadow of your former self without even realising.

You need to put yourself first, concentrate on your challenging job and make sure he takes equal responsibility for your DC and the bills.

Do not let this destroy you although it feels like the end of the world at the moment. Accept he is not the man you thought he was and move on. It does get easier.

Sending a big hug OP. Again, so very sorry he turned out to be a cheat.

All the best op, I tend to think, always presume they will cheat at some point,

@WhatToD0, I feel sick for you, but am not surprised. He’s been neglectful and created so much distance between you, and those nude photos were being sent somewhere.

He’s a cheat and liar, and has made a mockery of you and your child for 18 months, so you can’t trust what he says right now. He and OW may be lying low for the time being. That he involved your child in his affair is the lowest of the low.

In your shoes, my recovery requirements would include:
*Total NC with OW
*Full transparency with devices, passwords and statements
*Coming clean with the whole story and answering all your questions
*Individual counseling to examine his massive selfishness and weak boundaries
*Admitting his infidelity and disloyalty to both families and close friends
*A definitive call ending things with OW, in your presence
*Researching how to help you heal, including reading/joining the Wayward forum on the Surviving Infidelity site

I would set a sharp consequence — sending him elsewhere while you process all this and weigh your options. After this monumental betrayal, he needs to feel the loss of you.

Consider individual counseling to help you navigate. I’d also check out the Just Found Out forum on Surviving Infidelity.

Keep posting here for support, @WhatToD0.

Massive hugs @WhatToD0 i agree with @MsDogLady suggestions other than telling the family and close friends as that may impact any measure you take to try and improve things. Choose carefully who to confide in.

But I would also add in sti checks.

I honestly couldn’t forgive such an affair and kicked out my ex for less than that. He also fed me all the ‘I wanted to call it off but…’ sob story.

it’s the fact that he was intimate with someone else, made you feel so shitty and questioning yourself and happily spending family funds on meeting up with her over that period. That and he could have come clean when you originally questioned him if he was that remorseful. 💯 guarantee if you hadn’t discovered it the affair would still be happily continuing. :/

good luck with this.

I think this is really good advice. Also I think that he needs to be gone, but why give them both the coward's option of running to each other.
As much as you might want to lash out and tell the OW's partner, it might be better and sweeter.. to make him go alone.
People that cheat to find their next safe haven are fairly despicable imo. They cheat and lie and when they're caught they have a ready made partner in crime. Don't give him that. You have a tough job to do.. let him feel that pressure too.

@WhatToD0 No woman who has given a man the gift of a child deserves to be treated the way your DH has treated you.

The deceit and lies and sneaking behind your back is incomprehensible and unforgivable in my opinion. Once a cheat always a cheat.

I know it’s easier for other people to say than it is to do but you need space from this loser. Arrange any contact with your dc through a friend family member and tell him you don’t want to see him for the foreseeable future.

You need time and space to grieve as this is what it is a loss like a death of your relationship, as someone said earlier “You will believe you still love him, but you dont, you love the man you thought he was.”

Dont fall for any more lies or when he starts the poor me routine you deserve someone who truly respects you 100%

I don’t think I could ever forgive personally if that happened to me but I’m a naturally jealous person.

Hope your day goes as well as possible and just take each day at a time

Did she coerce him to send nude selfies as well?
FFS!
He had to put up with being coerced to booking nights out and going behind your back for 18months! Must have been so tough on him!

He is nothing but a deceitful, lying cheat, who can't even own his disgusting behaviour, blaming the OW!

I can see why he's worth fighting for!

Thanks @MsDogLady - the Surviving Infidelity website is really helpful. It's as if someone has written down exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I can absolutely understand why you want to believe that one way forward is to extract a promise from him that he will stop seeing her. I do not want to put a downer on that idea; but to be honest what would be exercising my mind would be the fact that he knowingly and systematically deceived you week after week, month after month. I would not be able to put that aside. A one night drunken fling would be more forgivable.

I hope that you have lots of support around you and send strength for negotiating this challenge.

@Mischance exactly a big difference between a mistake happening once and then having to come clean with your partner or lying and sneaking around for 18 months.

Totally agree. I could forgive a one night stand or brief fling. An affair lasting 18 months is a different level of deceit. So sorry OP

@WhatToD0 sorry if this is too personal to answer but was everything ok with you both intimacy wise? If so that would make it even more painful.

Its no excuse to blame an affair on lack of intimacy either especially with a young child but just curious as to how big a bastard he is?

@WhatToD0 I'm so, so sorry. What a time for you. I'm not able to comment much advice as I have no idea what I'd do if my DP did this to me. Did the OW reply to your text? I bet she's pooping her pants, I would be if I were her.

Reported for spam. How ridiculous

@Banana2079 did you read the updates?! don't be so naive!

So sorry OP, sending you love and strength x

What an absolute POS he is.

I'm sorry your suspicions were correct OP. You will get through this, my main advice would be to be honest about how you're feeling. Don't numb those feelings. I tried so hard to quell my rage and not shout,swear, rant etc. Yes I've maintained the higher ground and can hold my head high but I'm still so so angry with them both and I do wonder if had I been more openly angry with them and the world would that have helped my healing process. Maybe it wouldn't! But at least I'd have gotten those feelings off my chest.

Thanks all for your supportive words. I'm just processing it all and trying to survive day to day at the moment.

At least he is being suitably remorseful and is doing whatever I ask him to do, is answering all my questions, is listening and acknowledging whatever I feel the need to say to him even if those are some really hard truths (such as that this is the worst I've felt in my life ever and it's his fault etc.).

This evening we had another long talk where I asked more questions and raged at him some more. Something in that did somehow help dissipate my anxiety/despair so I could at least eat something and get a few hours' kip.

He does seem to have taken on board that his only task in life right now is to make life easier for me (and obviously be the best dad he can be). It's the least he can do given the trauma he's inflicted.

Ugh gross. What a horrible thing to go through. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Vile man.

You don't deserve this, no-one does. Look after yourself and your child.

Take care.

Make sure you now both give each other complete access to your phones and bank accounts, this will help in some of the trust issues.

My husband did this to me, a short affair, I like yourself gave him hell, eventually forgave him. I never mention it now 10 years on.
i have complete access to his phone, and deal with all our finances. Nothing goes passed me now.

Glad to hear you've managed a little sleep OP.

Have you considered asking him to leave temporarily until you can clear your head? This takes a lot of processing and the more you have these in depth discussions, the more you have to digest. I know exactly what it is like. You need to know details etc, and if course he is going to be on his best behaviour now, doing what you ask and saying the things he thinks you want to hear. But it is very overwhelming and so I'm wondering you been able to process things properly.

I have been in your situation and in hindsight I wish I had asked him to leave so I could just deal with it how I needed to, instead I tried to hold a brave face whilst still having to look at him every day.

Of course we all cope how we need to, but he will be acting like the perfect guy to you now as he has an awful lot to lose.

But, it isn't about him now. You are the one who has just received the biggest shock of your life and its your world that has been turned upside down. It's so fucking unfair isn't it.

You will be OK, but this time is so difficult. Just take care of you and your DC right now, you have no responsibility to how he is dealing. Hes had advance notice of this situation..

@isthismylifenow I'm actually going away for a few days to stay with family. I need some time away from him and also from all the triggers in our home. The bathroom triggers flashbacks to those selfies, every time I see a photo of him or us from the last 18 months I think 'he was sleeping with her already by then'. I've spent hours lying awake in our bed in the last week, staring at the pictures on the wall, feeling anxious about our relationship (prior to discovery), then thinking about the horribly painful things he's done (since discovery). I need to get away from this place for a few days.

Although we are now engaged in a dialogue that does feel helpful, I think some time apart would also be good.