Long post. Trying to avoid drip feeding. Also please be kind and constructive. I'm reeling and feeling so messed up. I've never revealed any of this to anyone because of shame and fear.
I'm utterly screwed. Dh wants a divorce. He says because I show him no affection. I'm negative and critical.
Dh has had two emotional affairs over the years. I found out by snooping because he'd been acting vile. I was shaken and so upset by these but he wanted to try again. So I agreed.
He's also prone to hysterical screaming abuse perhaps two or three times per year. These can be triggered by random things for example, me asking him to drive slower or if I ask him to let the dog out for a wee at 7am.
Three weeks ago, he was mad keen to make things work between us. See attached. I had been very detached because he was yelling and calling me a stupid fucking cunt in the car in August. No sex. No hugs. No affection from me after that. I was shattered by it. I lost my dad last October and I think I'm menopausal to boot (I'm 49). So I'm feeling weird anyway.
Whilst these episodes are distressing, they don't happen very often. He apologises. He's on medication. He sees a psychiatrist twice a month to help him manage. He's keen to improve himself. Be a better person, he says.
He's generous to a fault. Is often really helpful around the house and with the dcs. It's just a three or four times a year, he goes mental with dramatic yelling.
He has just been on a business trip for four days - he normally wfh - and he's been ebullient upon his return. Says he wants a divorce. During the trip he called the dcs and me but he was very chilly to me. I think someone has caught his fancy or he fucked someone whilst away. The last three times he's said he wants a divorce in the past are when he's been away. I've said ok and then he changes his mind. Not this time though.
He wasn't wearing his wedding ring when I picked him up from the train station. He always wears it. I commented on that and he said, "That's the first thing you've got to say to me? I was in a hurry and chucked it in my toiletry bag." Smells like bullshit to me and he's been WhatsApping a lot too. He's gone away again now to see a friend for a week. That was planned for ages and I was fully supportive.
I do care a lot about him. He has a lot of good qualities. But so much damage has been done to our relationship over the years. I'm really sad. I don't want to let go because I will miss him terribly and we do have laughs. I will also be so jealous if he has a serious relationship with anyone else.
So anyway, I'm also shit shit scared. Three kids at private school - not in UK. Two at critical stages of A level and GCSE exams. I cannot risk disruption and upset for them this year.
I'm also totally shit scared because I've not worked for years and years. I've never adulted. My dh pays all the bills, deals with all financial stuff. I'm ashamed but that is the bald truth. How embarrassing.
I have zero zero confidence. I'm a graduate. Got an MSc in marketing albeit 22 years ago. I worked in creative agency in London for a few years, got married, had babies. Had PND. Was paralysed by PND actually for a good few years and never went back to work. I cannot think what I can do to support myself and the dcs.
So, whilst dh says he will split everything 50/50 - and says that I shouldn't try and get more because that will cost a huge amount in legal fees and why waste money on legal fees, he says - I don't believe the dcs and I will be ok financially. He will meet someone else very quickly and she and he will be very reluctant to be 50/50. I don't trust his words now, currently well meaning as they are.
What should I do? Agree to a divorce? Hope for the best in terms of his settlement? It won't be much anyway. We spend all our money on school fees. Am not in UK btw.
Please, anyone who has safe advice or has experienced this kind of thing and can give me any pointers, insights, boosts, I'd be grateful.
I don't want to burden or involve my friends because they are mostly his friends too and well, they don't deserve to hear all this awful stuff.