SAHM up shit creek

[WhatAPatheticSpecimen]

Long post. Trying to avoid drip feeding. Also please be kind and constructive. I'm reeling and feeling so messed up. I've never revealed any of this to anyone because of shame and fear.

I'm utterly screwed. Dh wants a divorce. He says because I show him no affection. I'm negative and critical.

Dh has had two emotional affairs over the years. I found out by snooping because he'd been acting vile. I was shaken and so upset by these but he wanted to try again. So I agreed.

He's also prone to hysterical screaming abuse perhaps two or three times per year. These can be triggered by random things for example, me asking him to drive slower or if I ask him to let the dog out for a wee at 7am.

Three weeks ago, he was mad keen to make things work between us. See attached. I had been very detached because he was yelling and calling me a stupid fucking cunt in the car in August. No sex. No hugs. No affection from me after that. I was shattered by it. I lost my dad last October and I think I'm menopausal to boot (I'm 49). So I'm feeling weird anyway.

Whilst these episodes are distressing, they don't happen very often. He apologises. He's on medication. He sees a psychiatrist twice a month to help him manage. He's keen to improve himself. Be a better person, he says.

He's generous to a fault. Is often really helpful around the house and with the dcs. It's just a three or four times a year, he goes mental with dramatic yelling.

He has just been on a business trip for four days - he normally wfh - and he's been ebullient upon his return. Says he wants a divorce. During the trip he called the dcs and me but he was very chilly to me. I think someone has caught his fancy or he fucked someone whilst away. The last three times he's said he wants a divorce in the past are when he's been away. I've said ok and then he changes his mind. Not this time though.

He wasn't wearing his wedding ring when I picked him up from the train station. He always wears it. I commented on that and he said, "That's the first thing you've got to say to me? I was in a hurry and chucked it in my toiletry bag." Smells like bullshit to me and he's been WhatsApping a lot too. He's gone away again now to see a friend for a week. That was planned for ages and I was fully supportive.

I do care a lot about him. He has a lot of good qualities. But so much damage has been done to our relationship over the years. I'm really sad. I don't want to let go because I will miss him terribly and we do have laughs. I will also be so jealous if he has a serious relationship with anyone else.

So anyway, I'm also shit shit scared. Three kids at private school - not in UK. Two at critical stages of A level and GCSE exams. I cannot risk disruption and upset for them this year.

I'm also totally shit scared because I've not worked for years and years. I've never adulted. My dh pays all the bills, deals with all financial stuff. I'm ashamed but that is the bald truth. How embarrassing.

I have zero zero confidence. I'm a graduate. Got an MSc in marketing albeit 22 years ago. I worked in creative agency in London for a few years, got married, had babies. Had PND. Was paralysed by PND actually for a good few years and never went back to work. I cannot think what I can do to support myself and the dcs.

So, whilst dh says he will split everything 50/50 - and says that I shouldn't try and get more because that will cost a huge amount in legal fees and why waste money on legal fees, he says - I don't believe the dcs and I will be ok financially. He will meet someone else very quickly and she and he will be very reluctant to be 50/50. I don't trust his words now, currently well meaning as they are.

What should I do? Agree to a divorce? Hope for the best in terms of his settlement? It won't be much anyway. We spend all our money on school fees. Am not in UK btw.

Please, anyone who has safe advice or has experienced this kind of thing and can give me any pointers, insights, boosts, I'd be grateful.

I don't want to burden or involve my friends because they are mostly his friends too and well, they don't deserve to hear all this awful stuff.

it doesnt look good to me your dc's in private school while you rent.
it is up to you to continue the marriage or not. how do you see yourself with him in say 5 years? would you be able to take it?
it sounds your dc's are older now you maybe able to work divorced or not divorced.
good luck in what you choose to do.

I would hold off on the divorce for now, it sounds like you are able to stay in Lux because of his work? Your immigration status could change once you're divorced. It's complex, it's best if you go consult a lawyer ASAP to understand what will happen.

Sounds like he's been having multiple affairs and is now enamoured with the latest. Men only remove their wedding ring if it is serious. He is not your friend/looking out for your interests now. He has checked out of your marriage and that text is from someone merely buying time by placating his wife.

Agree to divorce but in a year or so. Tell him you need time to get back on your feet if he will be accommodating.

In the meantime lawyer up and register an interest in any property where you are not on the deeds. Out of 3 BTL properties you would be entitled to one and put onto a normal mortgage if needs be so you have a roof over your head.

Do not agree to anything re financials. He is already 5 steps ahead of you. Were you married in UK or abroad? Do you have your own bank account? If not get one and try to put money back from shopping in, it can soon mount up. Do you have a joint bank account? If you have joint savings, shift half to a savings account in your name. Do you own a car in your name? Start an inventory of anything valuable you can sell and stash the money away.

KEEP A DIARY/ TIMELINE OF EVENTS - this is essential during traumatic times.

Think about what you can realistically retrain to do in this year or what openings job wise there are for you either in uk or Lux.

Good luck OP

This is very sad but don't underestimate yourself-you are clearly intelligent, articulate and educated to degree level. Getting back into work may not be as hard as you fear. Take some time to think about what you would actually like to do.

Expat divorces are complicated especially with exam age kids. You do need to see if you can get time, either by shoving things under the carpet or formally agreeing to wait - I suspect most expat divorces start much earlier than when they go public.

But that doesn't mean you do nothing. He's away this week so start looking into

• rough costs of staying, what's rent on two places like? Consider keeping a place with kids and a small studio you swap back and forth - if it's not feasible to rent two large enough places (Google - bird nesting)
• jobs - often there's an agency who specialises in expat parent jobs, it's a prime market segment. Look for Facebook groups for expat wives they'll often be mentioned on there. Think about relocation agencies they like established expats who can do "look see" visits. See if you can find a career coach - again Facebook local expat pages there will be people who run sessions. First step is start talking to people to build your confidence, see what's out there - the job market is very different to when you left it. IT courses, networking seminars, go to anything that helps you get out of your comfort zone
• finances and legal - get advice. I know I keep saying it but local Facebook pages for expat wives - post anonymously to ask for recommendations or search previous posts. There will be lawyers who specialise in expat divorces. Just get a lay of the land.
• information- start to gather everything, take screen shots of letters/emails. What properties and what mortgages, what pensions or investments, what's the monthly bank balance like? Start recording all outgoings - what do you and the kids need to live including uniforms/school trips, ECAs, haircuts and clothes, car expenses, literally everything you spend.
• if it's your thing start a diary or a Pinterest page where you put anything that gives you joy, makes you think about the future. Cuttings, pictures, potentially places to live, car to drive, things to do. It might sound a bit new age but I get the sense you need to start visualising what your future looks like. At the moment it's too big, too vague - begin to start narrowing that down. Will it all happen as you imagine it - likely not, but it may help you get a grasp on things.

I know it's scary but it really is time for 'big girl pants' and start planning your next stage in life. You owe it to yourself.

The thing that stands out to me is that you need to change your mindset around working. It’s not that you’re ‘happy to work’, you’re not doing anyone a favour, you need to work to support yourself and your children.

If you fear poverty absolutely the last thing you should do is continue to depend on this man.

If your H is seeing a psychiatrist every fortnight, this suggests that he is rather mentally unwell. You mention meds, is this anti-depressants or something to treat another condition?

Do you mean psychotherapist? For fortnightly psychotherapy?

He wants a divorce.
Maybe he does see someone else when he is away, maybe he has had the space to connect with how he feels & determines to make changes on his return?

However, whatever, he has said that he no longer wants to be in the marital relationship.

Obviously, you need to see a family law specialist in Lux to determine what the protocols are for ex-Pat/non-EU nationals to divorce.

Dicks in a row means that you gather together all information about income streams, BTLs in the UK & elsewhere, investments, savings, debts, tax status & pensions so that the lawyer may advise on what financial settlement you may expect & maintenance for your children.

Can you legally separate & live in the same house to minimise disruption to your children’s routine?

Your ducks are

copies of all the financial documents, account numbers, and passwords.

securing your own personal documents somewhere safe

QUIETLY meeting with a solicitor who specializes in expat divorces who can help who figure out the implications of a divorce before anything else happens

Surely remortgaging a jointly-owned property in one name only is illegal. You should still be entitled to half and he would have to pay off the loan.

Hi op my best friend is from lux she's a solicitor sorry not read all your posts are you or do originally from lux or moved for work as it changes tour or his right over the children

This won’t be the popular opinion, but in your situation I’d switch the relationship view him as a co-parent only. I’d rearrange the living space so we are separate. I’d no longer keep any tabs on where he goes/what he does - but so long as that affords you the same freedom. I’d be completely emotionless and not start/walk away from any potential disagreements. Conversations would only be about practical arrangements for the children. This would give time. Time for you to sort out your next move, so that you still have your financial security, children can continue their schooling. Time to find a career. I’d delay any divorce proceedings - and I bet he’ll change his mind in a few weeks anyway. Once he’s down from his happy affair high, and realised that he’ll just be getting himself into a shitty situation.

He sounds horrible. So I’d just use him for the financial security for as long as it takes to sort yourself/your children out.
But I guess it depends if you can shut off your emotions to him and cope with him shagging about and not care.

I would focus on 2 areas:

Get as much money - pension, property, savings, everything - as you can on divorce. You will need a solicitor for this, to make sure that he isn't hiding assets. Right now, gather as much evidence as you can of financial assets.

Getting a job for the future. What can you do to be making money and supporting yourself and the dc by exam time in May?

So get yourself a plan together to leave as soon as you get your citizenship. Job, finances, bank accounts. Aim for when your youngest finishes their a levels.

He is being incredibly selfish to act like this, during the children's gcses and A levels. Because it will affect them. Either you suggest going to marriage counselling or see a solicitor for divorce advice. Look for jobs now, and start applying. Your children are old enough to travel independently.

@op, look, forget the financial stuff for a moment and think about what you really need here.
Admitting that your partner asked for more affection and closeness and your obvious issues with this indicates that you have been unintentionally alienating him over a long period of time and been expecting him to somehow be your 'constant on demand if you're feeling bad' magical cure.
One day in August (his recorded third time that year) he kicked off? Really? And he's in the doghouse?
That's a lot of pressure to put on anyone. He sounds exhausted and like he's really tried to sort your problems out,
You've got used to depending on him and aren't aware of how majorly heavy you have been.
Get some outside psychological help, it will help you. You're hurt, lonely and confused which shouldn't frighten you, it just makes you a fellow life survivor.
Stop blaming everyone else for your life-rut though and remember what you loved about each other. It's not too late to be a stronger person.

You won't walk into a well-paying job after 20 years out of the work force. If I were you I would start small now. Get something part time and maybe look at retraining? 49 isn't that old to retrain. I think you need to get your head around the fact that you will have to support yourself in the future and you need to start preparing now.

@Muddays Eh?? Are we on the same thread?

I'm not a fan of people saying 'use him for financial security for as long as possible '. He has a right to want to end the relationship even if he has been a dick. Becoming a SAHM was also OP's choice, ultimately. There's always a risk when you become financially dependent on someone.

@Tractorcrisis yup, I guess I am the only one that actually reads what is being said instead of jumping on the hysteria bandwagon...

@Muddays oh I see, so it’s OPs fault that he screams at her, and has affairs…

Can you divorce in the UK rather than Lux?
Generally speaking UK divorce laws/judges are more favourable to SAHPs
You have assets in the UK so have a link

x 1,000,000,000

@Muddays valid points. Thank you.

I'm not blaming anyone for my rut.

What is he diagnosed with in terms of his mental health? Seeing a psychiatrist twice a month suggests something very serious.

Not sure
If you divorced in the UK then you would be eligible for half of the assets but what is the rule in Luxembourg or does it not matter if the property is held in the UK

International divorce can be messy. The Uk is seen as a good place to divorce by the ex wife's of millionaires.