SAHM up shit creek

[WhatAPatheticSpecimen]

Long post. Trying to avoid drip feeding. Also please be kind and constructive. I'm reeling and feeling so messed up. I've never revealed any of this to anyone because of shame and fear.

I'm utterly screwed. Dh wants a divorce. He says because I show him no affection. I'm negative and critical.

Dh has had two emotional affairs over the years. I found out by snooping because he'd been acting vile. I was shaken and so upset by these but he wanted to try again. So I agreed.

He's also prone to hysterical screaming abuse perhaps two or three times per year. These can be triggered by random things for example, me asking him to drive slower or if I ask him to let the dog out for a wee at 7am.

Three weeks ago, he was mad keen to make things work between us. See attached. I had been very detached because he was yelling and calling me a stupid fucking cunt in the car in August. No sex. No hugs. No affection from me after that. I was shattered by it. I lost my dad last October and I think I'm menopausal to boot (I'm 49). So I'm feeling weird anyway.

Whilst these episodes are distressing, they don't happen very often. He apologises. He's on medication. He sees a psychiatrist twice a month to help him manage. He's keen to improve himself. Be a better person, he says.

He's generous to a fault. Is often really helpful around the house and with the dcs. It's just a three or four times a year, he goes mental with dramatic yelling.

He has just been on a business trip for four days - he normally wfh - and he's been ebullient upon his return. Says he wants a divorce. During the trip he called the dcs and me but he was very chilly to me. I think someone has caught his fancy or he fucked someone whilst away. The last three times he's said he wants a divorce in the past are when he's been away. I've said ok and then he changes his mind. Not this time though.

He wasn't wearing his wedding ring when I picked him up from the train station. He always wears it. I commented on that and he said, "That's the first thing you've got to say to me? I was in a hurry and chucked it in my toiletry bag." Smells like bullshit to me and he's been WhatsApping a lot too. He's gone away again now to see a friend for a week. That was planned for ages and I was fully supportive.

I do care a lot about him. He has a lot of good qualities. But so much damage has been done to our relationship over the years. I'm really sad. I don't want to let go because I will miss him terribly and we do have laughs. I will also be so jealous if he has a serious relationship with anyone else.

So anyway, I'm also shit shit scared. Three kids at private school - not in UK. Two at critical stages of A level and GCSE exams. I cannot risk disruption and upset for them this year.

I'm also totally shit scared because I've not worked for years and years. I've never adulted. My dh pays all the bills, deals with all financial stuff. I'm ashamed but that is the bald truth. How embarrassing.

I have zero zero confidence. I'm a graduate. Got an MSc in marketing albeit 22 years ago. I worked in creative agency in London for a few years, got married, had babies. Had PND. Was paralysed by PND actually for a good few years and never went back to work. I cannot think what I can do to support myself and the dcs.

So, whilst dh says he will split everything 50/50 - and says that I shouldn't try and get more because that will cost a huge amount in legal fees and why waste money on legal fees, he says - I don't believe the dcs and I will be ok financially. He will meet someone else very quickly and she and he will be very reluctant to be 50/50. I don't trust his words now, currently well meaning as they are.

What should I do? Agree to a divorce? Hope for the best in terms of his settlement? It won't be much anyway. We spend all our money on school fees. Am not in UK btw.

Please, anyone who has safe advice or has experienced this kind of thing and can give me any pointers, insights, boosts, I'd be grateful.

I don't want to burden or involve my friends because they are mostly his friends too and well, they don't deserve to hear all this awful stuff.

This relationship sounds like it’s been over for a long time.

Surely when he first mentioned divorce you should have sorted yourself out and at the very least got a job.

I sympathise with the breakdown of your marriage but I have no sympathy that you don’t know how to be ab adult.
I expect this has been a big contributor to the end of the marriage.

How old is your youngest DC?

Could you speak to DH and come to an agreement that you’ll separate but stay in the same home until your DCs finish school and you will get a job.

This will be less disruptive for the DCs but it will also give you chance to get a job and learn how to be able adult in smaller steps, rather than learning how to do everything at once.

It doesn't sound like you know what you want either in your marriage or life. That's not meant as a criticism, just an observation that you've given up 'you' to your family.

In your circumstances I don't think I'd rush to do anything in regard to the marriage. Take your time, especially in light of the visa issues.

Top priorities are to get a better handle on your finances (start photographing documents and paperwork when he is away) and get a job. Any job.
You need something to give your self confidence a boost. You can't start adulting without this.

Initially no, it's not going to mean you can support yourself but start those steps along the road now.

OP I'm getting divorced in Europe and there are some similarities in our situations. You MUST get legal advice. Firstly you need to speak to an immigration lawyer and secondly a divorce lawyer. Some of both types will offer a free half hour.

It is a fucking nightmare and extremely complicated. No getting away from that. However, it's a WHOLE lot worse if you don't have sound advice.

And while he's saying "let's split everything 50-50" that doesn't mean a) that he will or b) that what he thinks is 50-50 is what you'll think is that. For example, is he planning on splitting his pension accrued since your marriage 50-50?! I'd be surprised if he's even mentioned it.

Without legal advice you'll be following whatever he thinks is right out if fear of not getting your 50% and have no idea where you stand. If there's any chance of your immigration status being weakened or threatened through divorce you need to tread carefully. And you need to know whether this is the case or not.

For now, LOOK like you're doing nothing, or appear to want to try and make it work. This is to buy you some time, if it's possible (there's no other way to buy time). But you must then rush into getting advice. It's imperative that you know where you stand re ability to stay without being sponsored by him in any official way.

You can do this, you can find a way through, you can get the information you need. You must be tactical though. You have the potential right now to alter your future. It's not fair, it's not how it should be, it's scary, it hurts, it's humiliating. It's all that and more, but you can do this. You're smart so you need to focus your smarts on you and the children. Do not worry about him other than keeping him in the dark about your thoughts/future plans. It's a matter of survival and you're more than able to tackle this.

Please also be aware that when/if people do find out, unless they've been going through a divorce abroad with little to no work experience, that they simply won't understand. You need to be prepared for people to think you're exaggerating the complexity, to compare it to their neighbours' (who have lived in the same city their whole life, with jobs and supportive parents) divorce, etc. It's very lonely, but there are a lot of us who have been through this or are going through it. And there's always another side at the end.

But, once again, if you don't know legally where you sit or what your rights are, your position of vulnerability increased tenfold.

I second the people who say play nice and consult a solicitor (or one each for family and immigration). Worst case scenario in some countries isn’t being deported, it’s being deported without your children. I have no idea if Luxembourg is one of those countries but I get the impression you don’t know either. If you make it clear you aren’t going to automatically accept the settlement he offers, you need to know what he can do to retaliate.

I was where you are . No income, loads of debt, house in negative equity. 2 DCs under 3. Totally shell shocked. He told me I'd never have to work, he'd pay for everything, he'd always be there for the DCs. 3 months later he stopped paying the bills and mortgage. He paid minimal child support. Saw DCs once a month for two or three hours. (He did get better and things got much more amicable - took several years though! )

So get legal advice. You need to do what's best for you and your children. That might be to buy yourself a bit of time to get a plan in place for an exit on your terms further down the line. Do not agree to anything under any duress.

Wishing you the best of luck.

OP, there's some really good advice on here, but you've responded to the one post that blames you. I would ignore that one! Your husbands behaviour sounds awful. Get legal advice so you know where you stand. And try to be compassionate towards yourself, this is tough. No one is perfect and divorcing shouldn't be about blame but 2 people being able to move on, after assets are fairly split. Yes, you will have to think about working in future but you shouldn't be suddenly without means.

Please see a lawyer. Some European countries, such as France and Belgium, utterly shaft SAHPs in a divorce. See if you can get divorced in U.K. Where did you get married?

Whatever the outcome, it's time to get a job.

Oh this does not sound good. Do you own the house jointly? If you do he cannot borrow against it without your signature. Have you signed anything without reading?
Ducks in a row: Get all financial info together. Properties owned, their current values ( look on RightMove at similar)
Check if he has a pension/ pensions, get as much info as possible.
Check for savings, anywhere and everywhere.
Any valuable items you own, get them away as you may have to sell them.
You don’t have to agree to any of his terms. He will try to make you feel he’s doing you a favour, saving you legal costs, he’ll try anything that saves him money.
You will survive, we all do, but do all you can to help yourself.
Have you posted about your husband before?