SAHM up shit creek

[WhatAPatheticSpecimen]

Long post. Trying to avoid drip feeding. Also please be kind and constructive. I'm reeling and feeling so messed up. I've never revealed any of this to anyone because of shame and fear.

I'm utterly screwed. Dh wants a divorce. He says because I show him no affection. I'm negative and critical.

Dh has had two emotional affairs over the years. I found out by snooping because he'd been acting vile. I was shaken and so upset by these but he wanted to try again. So I agreed.

He's also prone to hysterical screaming abuse perhaps two or three times per year. These can be triggered by random things for example, me asking him to drive slower or if I ask him to let the dog out for a wee at 7am.

Three weeks ago, he was mad keen to make things work between us. See attached. I had been very detached because he was yelling and calling me a stupid fucking cunt in the car in August. No sex. No hugs. No affection from me after that. I was shattered by it. I lost my dad last October and I think I'm menopausal to boot (I'm 49). So I'm feeling weird anyway.

Whilst these episodes are distressing, they don't happen very often. He apologises. He's on medication. He sees a psychiatrist twice a month to help him manage. He's keen to improve himself. Be a better person, he says.

He's generous to a fault. Is often really helpful around the house and with the dcs. It's just a three or four times a year, he goes mental with dramatic yelling.

He has just been on a business trip for four days - he normally wfh - and he's been ebullient upon his return. Says he wants a divorce. During the trip he called the dcs and me but he was very chilly to me. I think someone has caught his fancy or he fucked someone whilst away. The last three times he's said he wants a divorce in the past are when he's been away. I've said ok and then he changes his mind. Not this time though.

He wasn't wearing his wedding ring when I picked him up from the train station. He always wears it. I commented on that and he said, "That's the first thing you've got to say to me? I was in a hurry and chucked it in my toiletry bag." Smells like bullshit to me and he's been WhatsApping a lot too. He's gone away again now to see a friend for a week. That was planned for ages and I was fully supportive.

I do care a lot about him. He has a lot of good qualities. But so much damage has been done to our relationship over the years. I'm really sad. I don't want to let go because I will miss him terribly and we do have laughs. I will also be so jealous if he has a serious relationship with anyone else.

So anyway, I'm also shit shit scared. Three kids at private school - not in UK. Two at critical stages of A level and GCSE exams. I cannot risk disruption and upset for them this year.

I'm also totally shit scared because I've not worked for years and years. I've never adulted. My dh pays all the bills, deals with all financial stuff. I'm ashamed but that is the bald truth. How embarrassing.

I have zero zero confidence. I'm a graduate. Got an MSc in marketing albeit 22 years ago. I worked in creative agency in London for a few years, got married, had babies. Had PND. Was paralysed by PND actually for a good few years and never went back to work. I cannot think what I can do to support myself and the dcs.

So, whilst dh says he will split everything 50/50 - and says that I shouldn't try and get more because that will cost a huge amount in legal fees and why waste money on legal fees, he says - I don't believe the dcs and I will be ok financially. He will meet someone else very quickly and she and he will be very reluctant to be 50/50. I don't trust his words now, currently well meaning as they are.

What should I do? Agree to a divorce? Hope for the best in terms of his settlement? It won't be much anyway. We spend all our money on school fees. Am not in UK btw.

Please, anyone who has safe advice or has experienced this kind of thing and can give me any pointers, insights, boosts, I'd be grateful.

I don't want to burden or involve my friends because they are mostly his friends too and well, they don't deserve to hear all this awful stuff.

Do you want to stay married? Do you trust him? Can you cope with his bi annual outbursts? Is there any truth in him saying you aren’t affectionate etc?

That's not for anyone here to decide. All we can say is what we'd do in similar circumstances. He's said he wants a divorce and he's said so several times before? You suspect him of a physical affair and more than one emotional affair. He has these mad outbursts randomly. Does all of that negativity get outweighed by the better times? Do you think he has the capacity to change and stop the emotional affairs/actual affairs? Does he even admit to disengaging from the relationship?

That's likely to depend, to an extent, on your likely financial outcome in the event of a divorce I would have thought?

If you do stay you must take steps to better your own position as realistically it seems likely that this marriage won't last long term whatever happens now. You need to reduce your financial dependence on your DH.

Which country are you in?

Luxembourg

So, if I was in your shoes, I would say that you are willing to divorce but in one year. The children are having an important year in school and they need to be your first priority. Continuity and as little disruption as possible.

In the meantime, get legal advice. Fuck what he says, if he wants to divorce you need someone to protect your interests. You are entitled to some of his pension as well as the BTL in the UK.

Next step, you need to start adulting. Anything. Get yourself a job. Volunteer to get experience. Look at studying. You have to start taking care of things for yourself, your children are not young and will leave home in the next few years, so you cannot count on maintenance. No one will do this for you, it has to come from you.

Big girl pants time. These are the ducks to put in rows.

Fuck him. You deserve better and it's time to lay the foundations.

Also, see about legal insurance. Is that something that exists? Take out a policy now so that when you start proceedings you are covered.

@feckoffbrian thank you. I'm quaking but thank you.

In fact all of you giving me insights. Thank you.

Sorry to hear about this. What are the divorce laws like where you live?

Are the buy to lets definitely in both your names?

FYI you can get an agreement in your situation that h funds your solicitor due to financial imbalance.

@FartOutLoudDay interestingly, he has just remortgaged one in his name only........I asked why and he said the agreement just came like that way.

@Lavendersummer you really think marriage therapy is a step I should take after everything he's done?

I've never been unfaithful. I'm not a pushover though. I've been cutting especially over his affairs.

But I'm so weak. I grew up v poor and I'm afraid of it.

You don’t hope for the best or agree to anything. Don’t engage with him on this, just quietly get yourself organised.

You pull all your joint financial info, you go see a solicitor, and you find out how the money will be split.

It’s very possible you’ll get a better deal if you divorce in the UK, which I would imagine you can do - so see someone local, but also have a call with a few uk firms that deal with divorce where the couple may be partly based elsewhere.

It doesn’t sound to me like you really want to stay married, you are just terrified of having to adult. You’ll probably be a lot happier if you do. If you want to try marriage counselling do, but still get yourself ready for divorce, one of you is going to call it I think.

What I do think you should do is see a therapist. You need to figure out your self esteem issues.

The mortgage doesnt matter
The deeds do- you can check them online if you dont know- you have to pay a couple of pounds for each one

And if my name isn't on the deeds?

@Luredbyapomegranate agreed. What kind of therapist?

I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’d not be the first to try to stay for the money, and if that’s what you need to do as you’re not capable of supporting yourself then try to convince him to stay with you so you can have his money.

I don't want his money. I've not been sitting on my arse all these years.

🙄

And I should be scared and wary?

There must be ways to become a well paid useful member of society? Not that SAHMS aren't but they don't get paid.....

How can I retrain quickly to earn a reasonable salary?

You will need to be realistic OP, you're unlikely to walk into a well paid job after a long break, you will probably need to start somewhere, get some experience and build up.

Do you speak the language? It might be useful to think about your skill set. Are your IT skills up to date for example? If not that's something you could look to improve. What sort of work would you feel drawn to? Office? Outdoor? Hospitality? Healthcare?

Is there a particular need for any particular type of worker in Lux/your local area? Teaching for example? If so it might be worth considering that as there will be more opportunities and less competition.

You need to get a job.
If he has decided it's over then its over.
If I were you and he backpeddled then yes I absolutely would bite his hand off and play the perfect stepford wife. Because that buys you time. Time to save, time to build a career, time to converse long term with a solicitor.

Because your marriage is over. This only ends in divorce.

In Luxumberg it looks like you do t even have the right to keep his surname if he doesn't agree with it.

Also basic googling has this on propery

Is there Luxembourgish property in your divorce? The first step is to take back all property that was owned by either or spouse, then see what’s left. Any joint property, assets, and liabilities are liquidated and value is estimated by an objective notary. Each spouse puts together a statement on what they believe is owed to them from this joint liquidated estate pool, and the court makes the final decision.

Which doesn't loom great for the house if my tired eyes are reading it right (may not be)

And also once you divorce you may struggle for EU citizenship. You're unemployed so what would you offer?