Is it really a turn-off?

[Milou89]

Hi
had recently a few dates with a guy with whom I had lot in common, great conversations, had great time with him....He recently told me that he adores what he was seeing in me but I'm not his kind of woman because I lack confidence! I think it is really a shity reason to dump someone. I think it is his lost really. But....I cannot stop wondering...is it really that a turn-off to someone else ? I had self-esteem issues in the past but I am in a very différent place in my life now. I really worked on myself in the past years and truly like what I have become.

A lack of confidence in a man is a total turn off to me. I'm a woman.

I am a gay woman and I find over confidence very unattractive. I do not find a lack of confidence unattractive in the slightest

People like different things.

I think it just depends on what someone wants in a partner.

There are plenty nurturing loving types who would encourage growth and confidence in a partner and they would bloom and come out of their shell. Lots want to mother.

There are plenty people who would tread all over such a partner and destroy them.

And there is everything in between.

I find someone who knows what they want and are not afraid to say it are attractive. Providing they also listen to what I want and are not too full of themselves and their own opinions! It’s a two way street.

Depends how it manifests itself, surely?

What situations had occurred during your dates to make him think you lack confidence? It just sounds like a shitty excuse to dump you, to me.

As pp said, it depends on what behaviour your lack of self confidence come through as. I'd not be attracted to someone who constantly couldn't make decisions or needed constant reassurance.

Mmm I had a date the other week and he was really really nervous (he was not long out of a long marriage). It made me think that most guys I like are pretty confident.
I didn't tell him that was the reason I said no to a second date though.... I think that would have impacted his confidence even more.
At least you know why this guy didn't want to continue, instead of forever wondering what went wrong....

I find people without clear boundaries, who try and make themselves like what you like, and shape themselves to fit you, destabilising . They make me feel worried rather than calm in the relationship.

They are also ultimately unreliable as they don't know themselves, tend to get into commitments that don't suit them, then find sneaky ways to escape while still people pleasing on the surface, such as switching off their emotions or being disloyal in their heads.

This might be nothing like you, but if I had a partner who was like that, I might describe it to them as "lacking self confidence".

I don’t think that any question of personal preference is really “shitty”. We each have all sorts of things that we like and dislike, and may not even réalisé what they are until we meet someone that has or doesn’t have them.

Of course it hurts if we like someone who doesn’t feel the same but, sadly, that’s just a normal part of life.

Personally yes I would find it a turn off. I have very little patience with meek people pleasing types who can’t speak up for themselves. I’d probably just tell a date there was “no spark” though rather than saying that.

Funny, isn't it, how we're all different? I wouldn't want to spend time with an overbearing gobshite. Give me an introvert any day.

Well him telling you that says more about him than you.

You carry on being you and be thankful you dodged his particular bullet.

He's probably jealous of your inner self confidence because he lacks it himself.

Hope you looked him up and down and said "Nope, my confidence is fine. My Wrong Man Detector needs a bit more fine tuning though. Bye".

I agree with him. Too often people who have low to no self confidence require their partners' constant attention to feel "adequate", its just draining, mentally snd emotionally. Nobody needs that

If you're happy with yourself, like the person you are and don't believe you lack self-esteem then that's all that matters. If he couldn't see all this about you, then he's obviously the wrong person for you.

Now, if you'd said he didn't want to be with you because you were too confident, I'd be worried that he was actually looking for someone who did have self-esteem issues - someone he could control and manipulate, essentially. But if you're not his type, you can't change your character just to fit what he wants you to be and nor should you want to.

As it is, continue to work on yourself, enjoy your life with family and friends, be proud of yourself and your achievements, live life to its fullest and eventually, if that's what you want, someone will come along who will appreciate you and love you for exactly who you are.

How strange that you equate being confident with being an ‘overbearing gobshite’. Or that you think ‘introvert’ is the opposite of ‘confident’.

It was a turn off to him, and that’s good enough reason for him to have finished it. No one has to justify what they find attractive or unattractive while dating.

@Milou89 honestly to me it's a massive turn off as it also implies neediness. I can't be bothered with reassuring people all the time (romantic and non romantic). But at the same time he could have found an excuse. Sorry for this, can I recommend you work on yourself? Easier said than done but worth trying (and sorry if this comes across as patronising)

Almost anything can be a turn off. However I think you dodged a bullet as a kind oerson would have just said they weren't feeling it or there was no spark

This. 'I'm breaking up with you because I don't like x about you' is a shitty thing to say. 'I'm breaking up with you because I feel/don't feel' is respectful.

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who dumps in this way.

Re confidence, everyone's different. There's no one thing that's attractive to everyone, or generally attractive. Be confident in your shyness. Many people find it lovely.

People are attracted to different things. You only have to read the 'what do you find attractive in a man?' threads to see that.

I have a friend who is attracted to women who are very confident and assertive. His best friend is more attracted to women who are quieter and less confident.

I don't like men who lack xonfodence nor those who are over confident/arrogant. I don't like men who are full of themselves but neither do I want to he with someone who seeks reassurance.

There's nothing "really shitty" about having a personal preference. Even if it were something others would find 'distasteful'. If its not illegal then, actually, its fine.

At least you know why this guy didn't want to continue, instead of forever wondering what went wrong....

Quite.

Like when women post on here when they've had no reason asking, "Is it me?" And the replies are often along the lines of, "No its not you. He's a dick," and "You've dodged a bullet, he's clearly a narc," and other such nonsense.

Because, most of the time, yes, it is 'you'. Not because something about you is inherently wrong but because you aren't right for them. They are too different things and I don't understand why so many people fail to understand this.

What a shitty thing to say. Whatever happened to, "I just don't think we're compatible/I don't the chemistry is there."

Who the hell asked this person to give an editorial around your personality? Fuck them.

Yes. Exactly. Otherwise how would someone know you lacked confidence or not?

I'm not particulalrly 'confident' so I won't often be the one at the front putting myself forward for things although I won't shy away if offered. But I never seek reassurance about myself - how I look; whether someone loves me or not; whether they like me. Because that's really fucking irritating!

It's different strokes for different folks.

I find over-confidence unattractive and he clearly finds lack of confidence unattractive. Find someone who likes you for you, then it won't matter