Is it really a turn-off?

[Milou89]

Hi
had recently a few dates with a guy with whom I had lot in common, great conversations, had great time with him....He recently told me that he adores what he was seeing in me but I'm not his kind of woman because I lack confidence! I think it is really a shity reason to dump someone. I think it is his lost really. But....I cannot stop wondering...is it really that a turn-off to someone else ? I had self-esteem issues in the past but I am in a very différent place in my life now. I really worked on myself in the past years and truly like what I have become.

People who lack confidence can be really hard work. Needy, clingy, indecisive, unable to articulate what they want, or to create happiness for themselves and the other person. They can be emotional drains.

Just because someone is an introvert doesn't mean they lack confidence.

Funny, isn't it, how we're all different? I wouldn't want to spend time with an overbearing gobshite. Give me an introvert any day.

What an odd comment. Most introverts I know are supremely confident. They know themselves and what they want, very well indeed. They're not afraid to say no and perfectly capable of saying yes.

Being comfortable in ones own skin, having good self-knowledge, strong boundaries - these are the qualities of a confident person.

That has nothing at all to do with extraversion / introversion, being quiet or loud, or being a 'gobshite'.

I wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with somebody who wanted or needed constant reassurance or encouragement to do anything, so it depends how your lack of confidence manifests itself.

Perhaps that didn't come across as intended. I don't think all extroverts are overbearing gobshites. I was responding to a previous pp's comment without actually saying which one.

I know what an introvert is. I am one myself, and don't lack in confidence. Having been on the planet for 60 years, I am also familiar with extroverts (aren't we all?) and some of them do come across as insufferable after a while.

It is, funnily enough, quite rare to come across an introverted overbearing gobshite.

Thinking about it now I do like men who have e the confidence to disagree with and are happy to argue their point .
I also like men with are happy not to tackle poor service or unacceptable ie I suppose that means I'm attracted to confident men?

Maybe you came across as lacking confidence with this specific person because theyre overbearing and prone to "educate" others about their flaws.

I once broke it off with a guy because he was...well, stupid. And somehow sophomoric with it, kept wanting to "debate". Such a bore.

But I wouldn't have dreamed of giving him a whole editorial about his personality. I'd known him briefly, maybe he was in a bad patch, maybe I somehow brought out the worst in him .Who knows? I just told him we weren't compatible.

Or maybe he's a sociable person and wants to be with someone who can stand on their own two feet socially? Having to 'babysit' a date, because they lack the confidence to involve themselves in a conversation, group or occasion, is very limiting.

But, at the most straightforward level, I think self-confidence is a pre-requisite of attractiveness. I'm really surprised at your asking the question.

It's like asking 'do people really prefer happy people?'... 'well-presented people'... 'people with good conversational skills?' 'Bugger me, I thought everyone preferred sad, scruffy, underwhelming people who couldn't string a sentence together!'

Like I said, I worked on myself already and continue to do so. I'm an independent woman and I dont need validation or reassurance. I can certainly make a decision for myself. And I was the one To ask this guy a coffee first. But yes, I'm an introvert and it's ok for me.

Then he's used the wrong word. Perhaps he meant 'outgoing'.

Introvert isn't the same as lacking confidence.

So.... did he mistake your introvert nature as lacking confidence, ie he equates 'life and soul of the party' to 'confident'?

I think him deciding that OP 'lacks confidence' is different though, from saying 'I'd like to be with someone with more confidence'. The former is a judgement of OP, the latter is a statement about his own preference. He's worded it in a hurtful way, to make OP feel that she's at fault, rather than (ironically) being confident to explain his own requirements.

It depends how to manifests.
If a lack of confidence means never trying new things I wouldn't be attracted to that. A lack of confidence can mean bringing the mood down.

The opposite is also unattractive. I wouldn't like someone who is vain, boastful and knows it all.

He was honest. Nothing wrong with that. He wasn't cruel or shallow which is much worse. It's not like he said [insert any perceived physical flaw] was the reason he wasn't interested in you.

This is so insightful.

Why is it only cruel to point out a physical flaw? He's pointed out something and made it out to be a character flaw. Surely that's a worse insult?

The introduction to the book Quiet addresses the ways society has wrong made it seem as though introverts need fixing. The whole of the books argues for the strengths of being an introvert.

siunds like you just were not a match.

Id say he lacks confidence himself. He sees in you what he's trying to ignore in himself et cetera.

A genuinely confident man wouldn't say this to you I think. While it's not exactly a character assassination, it's very much ''it's not me it's you''. Does a really confident person do that? Especially when not pressed for a reason?

A genuinely confident man wouldn't say this to you

I agree with this. Genuinely confident people can walk away and leave the other person feeling good, or at least, not bad, about themselves. There was no need to try to bring you down.

He sounds rude.

I know an overconfident guy who married a (to me) insufferably and unjustifiably overconfident woman. However, he says he finds her confidence motivating and loves it. He and I are very different people. That's fine-- don't take it to heart, he just likes something particular that you aren't and he worded it badly. If you want to be more confident then work on that, for you, but being a bit shy/self-effacing/timid/vulnerable etc are all valid personality traits that are attractive to different people.

Confidence yes, arrogance no. I'm strong willed and want the same.

Maybe your introversion came across as lacking in confidence, or shy, but he interpreted it as lack of confidence.many people who lack confidence in social settings classify themselves as introverted.

for me yes. I prefer a confident person. That doesn’t mean as a pp said, an over bearing gobsite, which is just an odd connection to make. But yes a confident person who can hold their own, in company, conversations, actions, decisions, and would not find an introvert or shy man attractive.

everyone finds something different attractive, it’s ok for him to not find this compatible, other folks will do.

I disagree, as he did it nicely, read what he said, he said he adores what he sees in her, but her lack of confidence meant she wasn’t for him. It’s not an attack. He clearly is confident himself. As he was able to end it and be I think a little honest about the reason. Maybe he should have lied totally, some would,like this.