Is it really a turn-off?

[Milou89]

Hi
had recently a few dates with a guy with whom I had lot in common, great conversations, had great time with him....He recently told me that he adores what he was seeing in me but I'm not his kind of woman because I lack confidence! I think it is really a shity reason to dump someone. I think it is his lost really. But....I cannot stop wondering...is it really that a turn-off to someone else ? I had self-esteem issues in the past but I am in a very différent place in my life now. I really worked on myself in the past years and truly like what I have become.

He told you the truth. You didn't want to hear it. Move on.

This.

I prefer a lady with a shy persona and wouldn’t see it is a bad trait at all

bit like telling you that you have spinach in your teeth when you have perfect teeth, he probably found you intimidating and out of his league!

Fact that he had to give such a reason designed to hurt, says more about him than you...

People are funny, maybe he resented you for something you had that he didn't.

I wouldn't say I'm over confident but I'm not a wallflower either and I will never just smile and nod. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of men secretly want this even though they will claim not too. I have to say though as it's only been a few dates I don't feel he could have gotten a proper handle on this, unless he just means you simply aren't his type and didn't want to be blunt. With the right person these things all just slot into place so I wouldn't worry about it. Onwards and upwards.

Meh. It's just personal choice.

Agree with this. And as OP doesn't really see herself as this, you've got to ask whether her perceived lack of self confidence is actually a lack of being able to get an opinion in sideways.

Did this guy, by any chance, order milk with every meal on your dates?

Me too. But it can put us at risk of being attracted to controlling men. Confidence can easily slip into control/arrogance. Fine line. Mind you, I do find slightly arrogant men attractive too so there’s no hope for me!

The opposite of ‘confident’ isn’t ‘’introvert’ — an introvert is just as likely or unlikely to be confident as an extrovert — and confidence in no way equates to ‘overbearing gobshite’. It’s pretty depressing that people equate them.

My thoughts exactly. And you’ve said in your Op that you truly like who you have become after working on your self esteem. So good on you. I bet you have confidence, he just couldn’t see it.

He obviously doesn’t agree with you or he wouldn’t of said you lack confidence. Im guessing there’s something you done to put him off as having a lack of confidence is very off putting in a male!

Confidence/lack of confidence isn't a binary thing for most people.

I think most people who know DP and I would say we're both confident people who get what we want. But there have been many moments of total self-doubt and crippling nerves behind that and it's so valuable to have a partner (and close friends) who you allow to see that, and whose support enables you to overcome it. Confidence also ebbs and flows in different situations. It's bizarre to me to frame confidence, or lack of it, as a turn-off or turn-on. Honestly, people who say lack of confidence is a turn-off are red flags ime - to me they're saying they can't abide any sign of weakness and won't be willing to support me at my lowest.

The people at either extreme - the ones who are over-confident in every situation to the point of arrogance, and the ones who need their hand held all through life - are to be avoided of course. But they're extremes.

Look - when you start seeing someone you don’t need a valid reason to not proceed after a few dates. So - his reason is valid for him, and it’s all that matters.

Separately, you don’t need to take it personally. He verbalised a reason for you, but in the end of the day, it’s not personal. Something didn’t work for him and that’s that.
Its great that you have worked on yourself and feel good about who you are.
You don’t need to change your whole personality to date, you just need to meet someone who will like you the way you are.
We don’t all like the same type of people.

I have very little confidence and low self esteem, but part of that means I am approachable and understanding. I'm also very independent and love my own company. Just because I feel shit about myself doesn't mean I need much from anyone else.

I personally find over confident people overbearing and often too loud. I also struggle to feel comfortable around them because I feel like they are judging me. The whole "lack of confidence is the most unattractive thing" is total bollocks. Thousands of us are actually put off people like this.

If he genuinely thinks you have low self-confidence, then telling you things he doesn’t like about you as a reason for not seeing you again was really shitty behaviour. He could have said something vague, like he doesn’t see it working out. He chose to be critical and rude instead.

I have read several times on these baords about guys who meet a woman online, shower her with compliments and a few ‘perfect’ dates, then suddenly try to crush her confidence and dump her in a cruel way. It’s a known pattern, a thing some men do for fun. I’m suspicious about this guy OP and I think it’s best he’s gone from your life. No nice man would have insulted you like this.

Anyway to answer your question, low confidence can be unattractive but it’s way better than over-confidence. I just had to change my hairdresser because it was exhausting listening to her tell me how utterly fantastic in every way she was over and over for an hour.

That's a shitty thing to say to you op. His loss. Move on!

It's shitty to say unkind and in constructive things to people.
That's very unattractive!

The answer to your question OP is, yes, it can be a turn off, dependent on the individual. Whether this was his real reason for leaving the relationship is irrelevant.

A lack of confidence is such a turn off in relationships but also friendships. I can't be dealing with people who are regularly anxious about themselves socially or personally.

100% this. I'm a typical introvert but I would describe myself as confident. I just mostly prefer to listen and I only give my opinion when I feel it's warranted. Too many people out there talking nonsense in my mind 🤣

In my 20s I realised that arrogant, attractive bastards were there to have one-night stands with. Not relationship material.

Agree that the whole "ooh I only like confident men who know what they want" thing has backfired on many people I know when they realise they have a confident, strong, manly partner who's also emotionally stunted (not weak or vulnerable, you see), controlling and has traditional ideas about a woman's place.

You don't very often find an introverted overbearing gobshite though.

They are usually the person with a fixed smile on their face, standing next to the overbearing gobshite, and waiting for them to STFU.

"You don't very often find an introverted overbearing gobshite though."

They might be thinking nasty things, but not saying them. Introvert doesn't equal nice either.

Yes I think confidence is something that attracts people or not, to someone.