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Original poster

Is it really a turn-off?

100 replies

Milou89 · 07/10/2022 21:48

Hi
had recently a few dates with a guy with whom I had lot in common, great conversations, had great time with him....He recently told me that he adores what he was seeing in me but I'm not his kind of woman because I lack confidence! I think it is really a shity reason to dump someone. I think it is his lost really. But....I cannot stop wondering...is it really that a turn-off to someone else ? I had self-esteem issues in the past but I am in a very différent place in my life now. I really worked on myself in the past years and truly like what I have become.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 17:46

Maybe he should have lied totally, some would,like this

I don't think anybody is suggesting that. There's no need to point out anything about the other person when you end a relationship. 'I feel we're not on the same wavelength', 'I don't see a future together', 'I don't feel what I was hoping to feel' can all be adjuncts to 'You're a lovely person'. But really, there's no need to judge the person at all. Why is his adoration of her supposed to help, when he's leaving her?

It's just clumsy, the way he's said it. It's knocked OP's confidence, and it would knock anybody's, to have a particular trait pointed out as a reason to end a relationship.

GreyCarpet · 08/10/2022 19:38

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 13:26

I think him deciding that OP 'lacks confidence' is different though, from saying 'I'd like to be with someone with more confidence'. The former is a judgement of OP, the latter is a statement about his own preference. He's worded it in a hurtful way, to make OP feel that she's at fault, rather than (ironically) being confident to explain his own requirements.

Show quote history

Maybe but people don't always think through their communications that carefully.

It's up to her if she takes that personally. Or chooses not to hear the unspoken 'for me' at the end of the sentence. Because I would.or, at least, I would recognise that was what was meant.

OldFan · 08/10/2022 20:01

It sounds more like he wanted to dump you for some reason of his own @Milou89 , maybe someone else, but turned it around on you so he didn't look like the bad guy.

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 21:16

@GreyCarpet

It's up to her if she takes that personally

I absolutely agree. Not sure the 'for me' was there for him, and I don't know how anybody could be sure, so I wouldn't assume it. But either way, if he thinks she's not confident enough in general, or just not confident enough 'for him', it doesn't matter. It's his opinion, not a global judgement.

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 21:48

OldFan · 08/10/2022 20:01

It sounds more like he wanted to dump you for some reason of his own @Milou89 , maybe someone else, but turned it around on you so he didn't look like the bad guy.

I don’t agree, I think he soft soaped it but hedged to honesty. But it wasn’t a personal attack and it’s up the to op if she can’t even take that.

in the scheme of things it was a mild statement amd could have been wholly accurate, as said, for many, lack of self confidence and introverted can easily be confused and introverted isn’t something many folks find attractive. As extroverted is also something many don’t find attractive. It is what it is. And it’s ok.

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2022 11:31

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 21:16

@GreyCarpet

It's up to her if she takes that personally

I absolutely agree. Not sure the 'for me' was there for him, and I don't know how anybody could be sure, so I wouldn't assume it. But either way, if he thinks she's not confident enough in general, or just not confident enough 'for him', it doesn't matter. It's his opinion, not a global judgement.

Exactly. I might he a bit 🤔 at a comment initially but I'd realise pretty quickly that the 'for me' exists because he can only be stating a subjective truth rather than an objective one.

He might not even realise the difference. Many men assume their opinion is a definitive fact 😉

Aubree17 · 09/10/2022 12:35

It is a shitty reason.

Ultimately the relationship wasn't right for him. I would give very little notice to the reasons he stated. He probably felt he had to give a reason.

Best revenge is living a good life. So go be your best confident self and find someone better.

As my daughter would say ..., don't get bitter get better 😀

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2022 12:45

It is a shitty reason

It's as valid as any other reason.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2022 12:45

The fact is, a decent person would not have told you that was the reason. It sounds more like he is a nasty shit who saw that you were regaining confidence and didn't like that. Either that or he is a tactless git. If it's the former...I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to stay in touch. If he does then you'll know that he wanted to knock your confidence and then see if you'd still tolerate him (negging basically). You'll know he is a predator.

If not...Maybe he meant he likes his ladies a bit more energetic and firey as opposed to chill and go eith the flow though. Ppl have preferences.

But be on your guard.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 12:51

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2022 12:45

It is a shitty reason

It's as valid as any other reason.

It is. How he's communicated is the issue, not what he felt. He can't help what he feels.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 12:57

KatherineJaneway · 08/10/2022 07:48

Almost anything can be a turn off. However I think you dodged a bullet as a kind oerson would have just said they weren't feeling it or there was no spark

I don't think it's kinder to lie.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 13:16

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 12:57

I don't think it's kinder to lie.

Show quote history

Both of those options were true.

KatherineJaneway · 09/10/2022 14:00

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 12:57

I don't think it's kinder to lie.

Show quote history

I do

Ineedaduvetday · 09/10/2022 14:02

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 12:57

I don't think it's kinder to lie.

Show quote history

I went on a date with a guy I'd been messaging and had phone conversations with. He turned out to be tight despite all he said on messages and the phone. You're telling me I should have said he was tight when saying I don't want to see you again when he asked for another date?

ManAboutTown · 09/10/2022 14:07

I find a certain level of confidence attractive - a "can-do" attitude and knowledge of what one likes or wants for example.

Overconfidence is a real turnoff though - "my way or the highway" or always sure of being right.

We're all different but it's never been an issue in any of my relationships - I think a lot of us occasionally require support on things and it seems a slightly odd reason to terminate a relationship unless you are too nervous to leave the house

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2022 14:42

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 12:51

It is. How he's communicated is the issue, not what he felt. He can't help what he feels.

Show quote history

You're right but the OP was asking if a acknowledgement of confidence can really be a turn off rather than commenting on how it was communicated.

Some posters think it is a shitty reason.
I agree it wasn't delivered very thoughtfuly ad may, in this case, even have been deliberately intended to hurt or because of other reasons but the fact still stands that it's a perfectly valid reason to not he attracted to someone. Which I know you agree with anyway.

Aprilx · 09/10/2022 14:45

I wouldn’t be interested in a man with no confidence either. But I wouldn’t feel the need to tell him as I ended things.

2bazookas · 09/10/2022 15:21

A woman I know, sees everything in the most dismal and negative way possible. Every conversation leads to her, the discontented centre of the universe. She's like Eeyore and it is very, very wearing to spend even a couple of hours with her.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 15:29

"You're telling me I should have said he was tight when saying I don't want to see you again when he asked for another date?"

Yes. You could use polite words to say it, but yes I think you should tell the truth, unless the person is likely to become abusive or something. Otherwise, you're not helping them be more self-aware.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 15:32

"Both of those options were true."

Not as the reasons for him wanting to finish it, no they weren't. And they are meaningless platitudes anyway, used when people don't want to tell the truth if this thread is anything to go by.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/10/2022 15:33

2bazookas · 09/10/2022 15:21

A woman I know, sees everything in the most dismal and negative way possible. Every conversation leads to her, the discontented centre of the universe. She's like Eeyore and it is very, very wearing to spend even a couple of hours with her.

That's me to some extent, at least at certain times in my life. It's helpful to tell me when I do that though otherwise I don't realise how wearying it is for other people.

MissingNashville · 09/10/2022 15:34

He obviously thinks you’re not suited and you can dump someone for any reason at all. If you like who you are, you don’t need to take his comment badly, you’re just not for him.

Its a fine line for me, I hate overconfidence because it’s often arrogance and loud. But lacking confidence can restrict a relationship if the person won’t try new things or constantly feels self conscious and seems uncomfortable.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 17:24

I don’t see anything wrong with what was said or how it was delivered and really don’t see it as cruel. The op herself says she is introverted, that introversion he clearly saw as lack of confidence, as said for many it’d one and the same thing. I know a few people who classify themselves as introverts, in reality they come across as lacking confidence

he wants someone much more outgoing, it’s fair enough. The reality is she was big into him so there was no reason he could give that would be a good one for him dumping her. Unless he had to pull a chandler and say he was off to Yemen for work.

no one likes being dumped. It’s never taken well

Goosygandy · 09/10/2022 18:15

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 17:24

I don’t see anything wrong with what was said or how it was delivered and really don’t see it as cruel. The op herself says she is introverted, that introversion he clearly saw as lack of confidence, as said for many it’d one and the same thing. I know a few people who classify themselves as introverts, in reality they come across as lacking confidence

he wants someone much more outgoing, it’s fair enough. The reality is she was big into him so there was no reason he could give that would be a good one for him dumping her. Unless he had to pull a chandler and say he was off to Yemen for work.

no one likes being dumped. It’s never taken well

You don't think it's unkind because presumably you're pretty confident.

I don't know why people's confidence or introversion is any more acceptable to share with them in a negative way than any other trait, physical or personality wise, that they can do nothing about.

He's not a close friend offering helpful feedback and support. He doesn't even know the OP well enough to know whether or not it is true. And lacking confidence is not always synonymous with clingyness, unwillingness to try anything, whinginess or all the other things it's been associated with on this thread. I know whinging people who are very confident in saying what they want and getting their needs met.

Aprilx · 10/10/2022 04:19

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 17:24

I don’t see anything wrong with what was said or how it was delivered and really don’t see it as cruel. The op herself says she is introverted, that introversion he clearly saw as lack of confidence, as said for many it’d one and the same thing. I know a few people who classify themselves as introverts, in reality they come across as lacking confidence

he wants someone much more outgoing, it’s fair enough. The reality is she was big into him so there was no reason he could give that would be a good one for him dumping her. Unless he had to pull a chandler and say he was off to Yemen for work.

no one likes being dumped. It’s never taken well

Not really relevant to the thread but this is about confidence not introversion / extroversion, they are not the same thing. Introverted means you recharge your batteries with alone time whereas being with a lot of others, say at a party, drains your batteries. I am a very confident person, but I am definitely an introvert.