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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did anything awful ever happen to your ex? I feel guilty for being happy about it

106 replies

Retopa · 07/10/2022 20:11

Something awful has happened to mine and my initial reaction was happiness. I hate myself for this and since I’ve reflected i do also feel sad it has happened. His is DC’s dad and that alone makes me feel terrible. He’s never met dc and gave me hell but honestly I was glad he is suffering. I’m a bitch for that, I know. Can’t tell anyone IRL!

OP posts:
Movelikewater · 08/10/2022 05:31

If I found out my extremely violent ex had died there would be a sense of relief. While I’m not afraid of bumping into him in the street (it’s been 12+ years since I ran away), this was a man who held me hostage, beat me black and blue, alienated me from everyone I loved and generally terrified me for many years. If I knew for certain there was no future confrontation I would appreciate that. While I now feel strong enough to manage it, I’d rather avoid as would unsettle me greatly.

If he died I would know he couldn’t hurt anyone else. It makes me really sad to know he went on to create havoc in the life of everyone he met.

The legacy he left is striking, I have minor health issues and got flashbacks for years, needed lots of therapy and support from others. I wouldn’t be sad if he received the same level of distress as what he put me through.

Those who say it’s not right to celebrate the death or unfortunate circumstances of an abuser must have either a very high capacity to forgive, or to never have been truly terrified. I hope it’s forgiveness, and I hope one day I can feel truly nonchalant about my own violent ex.

AuntieMarys · 08/10/2022 06:17

My ex is alone and lonely. ( told adult ds he has such emptiness in his life)
I however am living my best life. And yes that makes me feel good. Some people deserve to be alone at Xmas.

ThatshallotBaby · 08/10/2022 06:51

Yes I’m with you. Some people cause other people so much pain and damage, their actions leaving a lifetime legacy that’s undeserved.
Thats the nub of it. How unfair it is.
So yes, a bit of karma can help balance the scales, and give people a bit of their own power back.
some people take everything

MayThe4th · 08/10/2022 07:02

So if we take this celebrating of suicide at face value:

Caroline Flack was by all accounts a pretty unpleasant person. A domestic abuser who put her partner through hell.

So why are people not celebrating her suicide instead of trotting out the #beKind?

Presumably because suicide indicates that the person was clearly troubled?

Celebrating someone’s suicide is up there with the poster who celebrated an ex having a stillborn child and another one which died.

FreudayNight · 08/10/2022 07:24

MayThe4th · 07/10/2022 23:13

Some of the people on this thread are no better than the ex’s they claim did them harm.

Seriously being glad someone hung themselves makes you a pretty vile person. §

It’s one thing being a bit smug that an ex has ended up single, but gloating at someone’s suicide is on another level.

Vile thread.**

No you’re wrong. Abusive men (and women NAMALT) are a scourge on everyone they interact with. They are unredeemable and want to carry out actions which hurt others.

when they are no longer there to do that it is a good thing, and the correct normal reaction is to feel relief or even happiness.

If you behave so badly that no one, really, mourns you, then what is there to complain about.

Mythreefavouritethings · 08/10/2022 07:27

DrDetriment · 07/10/2022 20:42

Wow. Yes you are all very nasty people for being glad about someone else's misfortune.

It may not be comfortable to sit with, but life doesn't work in the linear way you seem to think. People are more than their emotions or actions, you've no idea what individuals here have been through and this is somewhere they can acknowledge that. By all means, have your opinion, but an automatic emotion or feeling doesn't always align with our values. We can feel something and be sickened by it or as is the case here, not. It's life, not a fairytale.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 08/10/2022 07:27

I think karma usually kicks in at some point. My ex had…and STILL has huge anger issues.

I can’t believe that after all these years he’s not due some kind of payback from his physical or MH. The body keeps the score and all that.

Meanwhile, he’s a rich lonely abusive man… and apparently single. Again.

FreudayNight · 08/10/2022 07:31

MayThe4th · 08/10/2022 07:02

So if we take this celebrating of suicide at face value:

Caroline Flack was by all accounts a pretty unpleasant person. A domestic abuser who put her partner through hell.

So why are people not celebrating her suicide instead of trotting out the #beKind?

Presumably because suicide indicates that the person was clearly troubled?

Celebrating someone’s suicide is up there with the poster who celebrated an ex having a stillborn child and another one which died.

“Clearly Troubled” such weasel words to draw a veil over the reality.

Abusers never stop, literally.

There was a Mumsnetter and her abusive husband got cancer, he was abusing her in the hospital as he was actively dying. He abused her that she was going to outlive him. Even as he lay dying, his priority was to be a cunt.
Your mealy mouthed nonsense is part of the problem. You think abuse victims owe abusers something- they don’t.

daisychain01 · 08/10/2022 08:00

There is no equivalent English word for the German (Ancient Greek origin) word schadenfreude but what you've described is just that, the pleasure derived from the misfortune of another.

whether that's right or wrong is a matter of opinion, but it's a legitimate human reaction to someone doing you wrong. Who hasn't had a secret smile when they find out the person who was bullying them at work was forced to resign, or the Frenemy who Wendy'ed you was ejected from the friendship group, aka it served them right!

LuckyLamp · 08/10/2022 08:03

I was really very pleased to see that my first love who broke my heart has lost all of his hair and now has a shiny billiard ball head. It’s a good look on so many guys, but not this one 😂

He was so vain and loved his hair and his ears now look like jug handles. Sorry not sorry 😆

Ooohyeah · 08/10/2022 08:17

Yes my ex has recently had some misfortune (of his own doing) and it made me very happy! I don’t normally take pleasure from others misfortunes but the after pain he inflicted on me I’m so glad karma caught up with him.

daisychain01 · 08/10/2022 08:21

Can’t stand all this “be kind” shite. Be yourself. Say your piece and stand up for yourself.

yeah women have for far too long been conditioned to put up with whatever gets thrown at them. Time for honesty and knowing our self-worth.

Polyethyl · 08/10/2022 08:23

schadenfreude is the right word.
An ex who ripped me off over a flat purchase made no profit at all on the London flat, when he eventually sold it. Whereas the flat I had to buy afterwards doubled in value in the same time period. Yes, I was pleased when I saw that on Zoopla. I made a happy marriage. He had a miserable marriage and divorced.
I'm pleased to be living a good life.

Noteverybodylives · 08/10/2022 08:42

I knew I was completely over my ex when I felt glad knowing that he was happy.

I’m sure I’d feel jealous or bitter if he was living his best life but for my own MH I needed to get over my feelings of being hurt etc and find peace of mind.

caringcarer · 08/10/2022 08:52

My first h was financially abusive to me and our 3 DC. He would have everything and leave us virtually nothing. My family kept commenting things like he is always in new clothing why don't you and children get new clothes? I found it embarrassing so drifted away from my family and friends and became isolated. Then he had affairs and I found out and finally when he said his affairs were my fault I left him. I gradually over several years rebuilt our life for me and DC. Got back in touch with my family and friends who had been very worried about me. Over time I met my now DH. He is exact opposite of first DH and shares with me and my DC even though they now adults. Together we have bought 8 btl houses, a holiday home in France, and have a lovely home here in UK. I found out a few years ago exh had been made bankrupt. I couldn't help thinking I have everything including loving children and he now has nothing after refusing to pay maintenance for DC they cut him off because when they went on contact visits he was always so nasty about me and calling me nasty names. He saw my dd by chance last year and she said he was still going on about me then, 17 years after we divorced. She told me she casually told him I had a holiday home in France, 8 btl houses and a lovely home and DH and he said I suppose she's laughing about me now so dd told him I never gave him a thought anymore. I am just glad I never have to see him.

Honeylover333 · 08/10/2022 09:11

jmh740 · 08/10/2022 00:39

My ex applied to join the police force he wasn't allowed due to a caution for domestic violence against me, of course he blamed me

I’m sorry he hurt you, but what a satisfying result!

I don’t wish harm on anyone. But I totally sympathise with those who hate their abuser, especially if he also harmed their children or animals. Why shouldn’t they? I hope the victims can let go and move on with their lives, but I hope that for their sake. I don’t care about the abuser.

Natsku · 08/10/2022 09:15

I used to imagine my abusive ex dying, and feeling happy about it, but he did actually die a few years ago and I was surprised by how upset I was about it. I suppose it was more being upset about DD losing her dad (though he hadn't seen her for a few years before he died) than about him, perhaps?
He died completely alone though, his body not being discovered until about a month afterwards. Perhaps it was karma that he had no one care enough about him to miss him straight away but just seemed really sad and made me feel bad for him even though he was awful to me.

Honeylover333 · 08/10/2022 09:17

Some of the people on this thread are no better than the ex’s they claim did them harm

Feelings are not the same as actions. These women’s anger doesn’t injure their abusers. My only concern is for the victims. Letting go, and not caring any more, is healthy. But a bit of pleasure when a cheat gets cheated on is only human.

Isaidnoalready · 08/10/2022 09:31

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/10/2022 21:16

True.

Just goes to show that beneath all the fake smiles, there are some awful people that walk among us. How sad for them.

Show quote history

How sad for you that you think abused children deserve all that they get because that's exactly what your doing if nothing bad ever happens to people who abuse children how is there ever any justice? The scales of justice are weighted so far in the favour of the abusers its obscene children services stated my ex was emotionally abusing the children BUT it didn't meet threshold so that's giving him the green light to continue abusing children and he has continued so no I don't feel sorry for hoping he goes away I DONT FEEL SORRY for hoping he finally gets put in prison he deserves it he deserves justice punishment my children and all the other children deserve peace

PolkaDotMankini · 08/10/2022 09:47

My exH is a penniless alcoholic. He has left a trail of destruction in the wake of his adult life: three DC in need of counseling, two broken, terrified ex wives and people losing their jobs because of his failed vanity project businesses.

Do I feel he got what was coming to him? Yes, absolutely, the utter bastard.

The reason I care and "haven't gotten over it" is because I have to deal with the consequences falling two of those beautiful children. He still sees them sporadically and still believes he's owed respect, by them and me. It would have been so much better for them if he'd reflected on the disaster that was our marriage and grown up. As it is, they suffered through witnessing the domestic abuse of his second marriage, losing contact with their step mum and half sibling and his ongoing, 'poor me' emotional abuse.

inheritanceshiteagain · 08/10/2022 09:59

Sadly it's a despicable emotion to have. Enjoy it !!

Zofloraeverywhere · 08/10/2022 11:00

When a friend’s ex died she was upset and I was outwardly sympathetic towards her. In reality, I’m absolutely delighted he’s dead. It means that he no longer poses a significant safety risk to children (he served time in prison).

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 08/10/2022 11:03

I was told he’d died. I danced around the kitchen.
That bastard ruined my MH and put me through hell.

Fuuuuuckit · 08/10/2022 11:21

12 years on and I'm still paying his life insurance. Just in case....

He was, and remains, an absolute c* to me and the kids. I have wished many bad things on him over the years.

presentandsometimescorrect · 08/10/2022 11:29

My ex (DD's dad) died 2 years ago from alcoholism. At first it was a shock, but now I just feel relieved that he will never be able to use emotional blackmail against her or me.