To feel like my boyfriend relies on my for his emotional needs

[cleverlemon]

My boyfriend and I have been together for many years. But recently I fell like he is using me to entertain his emotional needs and I'm finding it very overwhelming.

He is going through some pretty bad staff and I have always been there for him but as he practically used to thrown back in my face I've taken a back seat. But recently, he has been calling me every day, which is fine, but when I hang up the phone on him and call one of my friends- he would realise that I'm talking to them as my phone does a beeping sound (on the other line) to let the person know that the call is engaged, but my boyfriend would ring ring ring ring which puts me on edge as I'm not able to fully comprehended what my friend is saying on the phone as my phone keeps beeping. When I finish my phone call my boyfriend would hang up and say "Who are you on the phone to? You were on the phone for an hour,, I wish I could speak to you for an hour! You treat your friends better than me.. I bet your cheating..."

When he gets like this. It puts me off so occasionally I do ignore his calls when he phones.

So, I try and see him every week, sometimes it's difficult as I suffer from a health condition and have to attend appointments and I have a young child. But I haven't recently seen him for the past few weeks as I've had a lot of health scares. But anyway, I work 4 days a week and have one day off, on those days my boyfriend would call me as soon as I dropped off my child to school in the morning and would entice me to see him on that day. I know it's pretty bad but sometimes I just want a day to myself, I just want to relax and not go out anywhere and as I spend my days in and out of appointments I just want to relax, on some of my days off. I tell me BF this but he gets very upset, he tells me that he is going through a lot right now and all he wants is my company- someone to talk to and for me to see him. When I do tell him that I'm sorry we meet next week, he tells me that his just going to jump out of the window, and recently he showed me a picture that he has cut his wrists (his going through a mental
Health crisis). I just don't know what to do as I'm finding it a bit much. This happened today and now he has been calling me numerous times on a private number.

You say you worry about him, which is natural - it seems his aim is always to make sure you're thinking about him! But the best thing you can do for your child is to block this man so that you can focus on being the best mum you can possibly be. At the moment, this vile man is dragging you down, weakening you, but he's also made sure you only think about him and don't much care about yourself.

He has never shown an inch of any abusive behaviour towards me until that incident in the hotel (which I think is exacerbated by his mental health and situation) and if I missed any signs it was definitely after our child was born.

Hold on.

You don't think he ever showed abusive behaviour until he kicked you repeatedly in the back that day?!

You genuinely don't think that the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control and sexual coercion prior to the kicking counted as abuse?

In April he told you that if he moves on or he sees you with another man, he will kill you.

You said you then realised how dangerous he was (this was after he also kicked you) yet six months later you're still talking to him.

Did you ever call womens aid?

In August sorry, not April.

Here's what you said then:

You all are right. I'm just in denial. I phone my bf up and told him that I feel used and that I want to move on from the relationship. He told me that if I move on, or he sees me with another guy, then he will kill me. I have to leave safely. I'm going to contact Womens aid.

He threatened to murder you. To leave your child without a mother and with a father in prison. Or perhaps he would murder your child too?

Being in touch with this man is dangerous for your child.

@monsteramunch

I meant in terms of the level of extreme that happened at the hotel. The back kicking, threatening to murder me are words which he has never said and since the hotel
Incident, I'm witnessing a different side to him. He is suffering from poor mental health and apart of me feels like that this is resulting in these behaviours or I don't know many I'm in denial. In terms of coercion, looking back, his always been a bit pressurising me when he wanted sex but he would eventually stop pestering, this is just another level and I'm wonder if it's intensifying because of the mental health, his situation with HO and, most likely, the fact that I'm putting my foot down on this occasion.

Is there anything this man could do to you that would make you think "it's over"? You seem keen to excuse everything.

Just from this what you've said in this thread, he seems extremely possessive, controlling and self-absorbed.

The people you mentioned who refuse to help him after a while - maybe they've just got good boundaries, maybe that's what you should do too?

He sounds very draining, and extremly high maintenance.

If he does not treat you with any kindness, dignity and respect then drop him like a lead balloon.

But you didn't mean to the level of the extreme at the hotel OP.

You literally said "He has never shown an inch of any abusive behaviour towards me until that incident in the hotel"

Never. Not an inch.

When he has in fact been consistently abusive in a variety of ways.

I don't say this to sort of shame you, but to try to bring you back to reality so you can be honest with yourself.

He absolutely was abusive before the hotel kicking incident.

You need to start being honest with yourself in order to adequately safeguard your child.

I honestly don’t think it’s out of line.

This will get deleted, but I don’t even care. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! And there’s a child involved in this? How dare you? How dare you do this to a child?

So, again, DID YOU CALL WOMEN'S AID?!!

Stop wasting everyone's time. You have no intention of leaving him. But your child needs help and protection from his abuse and you don't seem able or even willing to put them first, I hope there is a mandated reporter somewhere in their life to help with safeguarding. As they are very much not safe.

Neither are you of course, but you seem ludicrously defensive of him and your great love affair so fine, stay with him. But get your child away.

I feel for you OP, it sounds messy. What he is doing is abusive. It sounds like you will soon be freer from him but I would advise seeking some domestic abuse support to help support you and build you up. It may be that he has EUPD? Have a read up on it and see what you think.

Op MN, as a whole, has a lots of sympathy and support to give to abused women.

However, there comes a point where it’s not helpful. You have even resigned yourself to not having anymore kids to support him. The impact on your child isn’t enough.

There comes a point where sympathy is causing more harm than good. You have all the information you need to be able to break free. But you won’t. Not even for your child. You think if he decides to harm you, your child will be fine? Do you think if he kills you, your child will be fine? Do you not realise there’s a good chance your child won’t walk away from it either.

I am not going to say you should do these things. I am going to say you have a responsibility to your child and other women to do these things

Call womens aid
Speak to the Police
Speak to the home office or whoever is in charge of him at the moment

i say you have a responsibility to other women (and maybe their kids) because this man is dangerous. If he is allowed to stay, He will latch onto someone else at some point and he will abuse them. He might even kill them. Whatever he does will be his responsibility, but how would you feel knowing you could have stopped that? You have a responsibility to your own child, to protect them. Because it could be you and/or your child he kills. You have seen the stories where abusive men kill their own children to get back at their wives or girlfriends?

We can go around in circles about what you need and your feelings. But you aren’t even making good decisions as a parent. At some point the focus needs to taken from you and out on your child. Your child’s rights and your child’s needs should be the priority.

But you are focussing on him. I am guessing you aren’t reporting him because it will impact his chances of staying. You should be impacting his chances of staying. You should stop prioritising him. It’s either that or you just simply love him more than you child and choose to protect him. Not yourself or your child.

He has never shown an inch of any abusive behaviour towards me

Apart from the coercive control, the emotional manipulation, the enforced sex, the constant abuse he subjected you too before repeatedly kicking you?