To feel like my boyfriend relies on my for his emotional needs

[cleverlemon]

My boyfriend and I have been together for many years. But recently I fell like he is using me to entertain his emotional needs and I'm finding it very overwhelming.

He is going through some pretty bad staff and I have always been there for him but as he practically used to thrown back in my face I've taken a back seat. But recently, he has been calling me every day, which is fine, but when I hang up the phone on him and call one of my friends- he would realise that I'm talking to them as my phone does a beeping sound (on the other line) to let the person know that the call is engaged, but my boyfriend would ring ring ring ring which puts me on edge as I'm not able to fully comprehended what my friend is saying on the phone as my phone keeps beeping. When I finish my phone call my boyfriend would hang up and say "Who are you on the phone to? You were on the phone for an hour,, I wish I could speak to you for an hour! You treat your friends better than me.. I bet your cheating..."

When he gets like this. It puts me off so occasionally I do ignore his calls when he phones.

So, I try and see him every week, sometimes it's difficult as I suffer from a health condition and have to attend appointments and I have a young child. But I haven't recently seen him for the past few weeks as I've had a lot of health scares. But anyway, I work 4 days a week and have one day off, on those days my boyfriend would call me as soon as I dropped off my child to school in the morning and would entice me to see him on that day. I know it's pretty bad but sometimes I just want a day to myself, I just want to relax and not go out anywhere and as I spend my days in and out of appointments I just want to relax, on some of my days off. I tell me BF this but he gets very upset, he tells me that he is going through a lot right now and all he wants is my company- someone to talk to and for me to see him. When I do tell him that I'm sorry we meet next week, he tells me that his just going to jump out of the window, and recently he showed me a picture that he has cut his wrists (his going through a mental
Health crisis). I just don't know what to do as I'm finding it a bit much. This happened today and now he has been calling me numerous times on a private number.

I do think that on here people go straight to LTB when someone won't hang the washing out , but this is not one of these cases.
Quite rightly a load of Mumsnetters have identified that this OP gets no benefit from this relationship, only harm . She doesn't actually want to see him, he is ruining her free time by harassing her so really needs to block him.
OP if you need practical advice on how to word it that it's over happy to help but I do think he'll just go round and round in circles with you. Send one message that says , you have trust issues with me when there is no need. I need some space and think we shouldn't see each other any more . Wish you all the best . And then block him. If he has keys to your home then change the locks . Let any mutual friends know you have split up. You absolutely can do this, it's not dumping him it's breaking up because the relationship isn't working for you and anyone is entitled to do that at any time .
I think with him, the blocking is important. If he needs help he'll find someone to help , not your problem

Poor mental health doesn't excuse being an emotionally abusive, manipulative arsehole.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to be modelling to your child?

His being moved somewhere far away quite suddenly (cannot say at this would out me) but he has been begging me to have sex with him as he knows once he moved away I would make very excuse under the sun not to see him. We haven't been intimate for a while so I can understand. But this constant pandering is too much. He even asked me if I could see him after work because they could come any time soon to move him.

It's so hard to let go. I have known him for many years. I feel like I can't just lock him off for good. I'm worried about his situation, his mental health, and I know come tomorrow, on my day off he is going to call me to persuade me to come over to his. I have made a number of excuses not to see him but his no longer falling for it. He knows that I don't want to see him and he knows why but it doesn't seem to register. He doesn't seem to grasp that I'm worried about being near him as he just loses it for no apparent reason. I keep in contact with him because I'm scared what he will do if I just cut him off completely.

You have a child. Remaining in an abusive relationship is never going to be in their best interest.

He threatened to "smack you up".

The fact you're still in touch at all, especially considering you have a child, is chilling.

Put your child first, please.

The speak to the police. Or at least womens aid for support.

You can have this hanging over you and in contact with him forever through fear.

I hope they move him very soon. Change your number.

Yes it is me. The OP whose ex kicked in the back. I was deliberately private and hid some bits around as one of his close family member is a regular poster on Mumsnet.

The truth is that the child, who I deliberately not stated if he is the father or not, is the father and I didn't want to being into focus. He has no contact with him- only phone contact due to the above situation. So for posters saying to quit contact, I can't, that's why it's so difficult as my child, would not state he/she to not out myself even further, regularly has phone contact with him.

Oh wow so it is you.

Call the police.

Report the assault.

And the coercive control.

Is he still waiting for a decision re being able to stay in the country?

This man is abusing you over and over again.

That means he's abusing your child as he's putting that child's mum at risk, emotionally and physically.

Put your child first. Involve the authorities.

Today.

He's harassing you and emotionally abusive.

How supportive is he of you? Or is the support all one way??

I'd dump him. Ignore any threats about him harming himself.

I have to be honest, the one I thought it was came back claiming that he was allowed to stay and all was perfect. But those posts didn’t add up.

I am not sure who it is now. But it’s still clear there’s a lot of abuse here.

So for posters saying to quit contact, I can't, that's why it's so difficult as my child, would not state he/she to not out myself even further, regularly has phone contact with him.

Yes you can.

You can report that he physically assaulted you and has also been coercively controlling you.

And pursue at the most supervised contact for your child due to this.

What's the legal status of him being in this country? I feel like it was contingent on him getting a visa or something but as you've name changed / said it wasn't you when it is you, I'm not sure which details are accurate.

@Hearthnhome

I have to be honest, the one I thought it was came back claiming that he was allowed to stay and all was perfect. But those posts didn’t add up.

Ah yes I remember that one too.

No the OP is a different poster, whose boyfriend meets her once a month in hotels and at 'best' verbally assaults her if she doesn't want to have sex during the stay, but has progressed to kicking her in the back.

She said in previous threads that they didn't have kids but that he wanted to and she wasn't sure it was a good idea (on account of him being an abusive cunt, though she didn't say that).

But now it turns out they do have a child. Poor little thing in the middle of all this.

OP I really hope you've been very, very careful with contraception since your first child was born.

You've been with him for years and have a young child. Is the child his?

He needs professional help that is impossible for you to give.

He's being abusive and manipulative to you.
Threatening you and self harming and telling about it to guilt trip you.

Call the authorities if you need to.

My ex husband did this, he was a pathetic whining excuse for a man, he cried and threatened suicide when I left him, he was a hypochondriac, even his doctor was fed up with him, I told him to get on with it, it’s been twenty years since I left and the bastard is still alive.

This is the man you call your boyfriend. The man you facilitate contact with for your child, without even trying to leave him and go for no contact / non mol / supervision only order.

He began to kick my back very hard on multiple occasions and I fell off the bed, he then came very close to me, with his hands clenched, looking very angry, and wanting me to admit all the things that I've done and how it's my fault. If I dared talked back, I know he would have hit me.

This man. You're risking your health, wellbeing and child's welfare for this man.

Terrifying.

You said this:

He has been saying that he wants a child as he is nearing 30 but I have always told him that I would not bring a child into this relationship because of him. But everytime I begin, he just cries and gets upset when I tell him about the wrong things

But you do already have a child together.

So you need to step up and protect that child.

Just got caught up on the thread.
Of course you can block him.
It doesn't matter if you have a child together or not.

The onus would be on him to take you to court for visitation. The liklihood of that happening is tiny. He's too self absorbed and too broke to do it.

Plus your child benefits in no way being around this batshit abuser.
All men like him do is damage children emotionally.

Have you ever contacted women's aid or a therapist to discuss this toxic situation with?

That is what I'd do if you're feeling stuck with him.

You can cut him off. You can communicate via email, to a separate account made just for him that you can log in and check when you decide you want to. Bonus to this is that there's a record of communication.

get a cheap throwaway phone and free PAYG sim. He can speak to his child via this separate phone at a prearranged time each week which you can turn on 5 minutes before the call is due, and immediately after.

Time to take back some control

Yes, that is technically true. In reality he would like to have more children as he is ensuring thirty and does not want an only. I do not wish to conflict another child into this mess so have always refused. I would love to have more children but I would not have anymore with him.

OP there is not one single person, not one, on any of your threads who has told you to do anything other than at least cut contact.

Most of us have also suggested you call women'a aid at a minimum and preferably the police as he sounds dangerous.

Have you taken any of the advice at all?

Your child is not safe while you continue to be in a relationship with a man who has not only been coercively controlling but who has also kicked you hard, repeatedly, in the back. For not wanting to have sex. It would be unforgivable for any reason but to do it for that reason just proves how abusive he is.

Allowing this man anywhere near your child's orbit (which he is for as long as he's in a relationship with you) isn't just foolish, it's completely irresponsible.

Yes he is still waiting but as his previous home accommodation broke down (due to funding) Home office are moving him elsewhere under Section 4- so he would be moving, he presumes, very far away and in abrupt terms, he wants his "last" intimacy before he goes.

Wants ‘his last intimacy’. He isn’t owed anything.

and I bet it’s bullshit. Just another ploy to get you to have sex with him.

Op there’s only so much posters can say. YOU have to take control of your own life and protect your child. Your child is impacted, by the impact he has on you.

You can’t just keep in like this. If not for your own sake for your child’s.

he wants his "last" intimacy before he goes.

Well I 'want' a million pounds and yet here we are.

Him wanting to shag you has absolutely no impact on whether or not you should shag him.

You shouldn't even be in touch with this man.

What practical steps have you taken since your previous thread(s) to move forwards with your life and get safe?

Blocking?
No contact?
Womens aid?
Legal advice?
Police?

This man is dangerous. He's escalated from verbally and emotionally to physically assaulting you. And has now openly threatened to do it again.

What's your plan to keep him away from you and your child?

What attracts you to this repulsive nutjob?

This is exactly the reason why I didn't want to state whether I had a child or not in my post. He has never shown an inch of any abusive behaviour towards me until that incident in the hotel (which I think is exacerbated by his mental health and situation) and if I missed any signs it was definitely after our child was born. Since then, I have had no further children with him. I have doubled myself up on contraception and have subsided my desire to have any more children due to the fact that I did not want to bring another child into our mess, where as there are thousands of woman who have had kid after kid after kid despite being married or having partners who are way worse than my child's father.

Condemn me and tell me off for not putting my child first and locking of communication with the father. Fine. But call me stupid cunt or whatever you said- sorry that's is way out of line.