To feel like my boyfriend relies on my for his emotional needs

[cleverlemon]

My boyfriend and I have been together for many years. But recently I fell like he is using me to entertain his emotional needs and I'm finding it very overwhelming.

He is going through some pretty bad staff and I have always been there for him but as he practically used to thrown back in my face I've taken a back seat. But recently, he has been calling me every day, which is fine, but when I hang up the phone on him and call one of my friends- he would realise that I'm talking to them as my phone does a beeping sound (on the other line) to let the person know that the call is engaged, but my boyfriend would ring ring ring ring which puts me on edge as I'm not able to fully comprehended what my friend is saying on the phone as my phone keeps beeping. When I finish my phone call my boyfriend would hang up and say "Who are you on the phone to? You were on the phone for an hour,, I wish I could speak to you for an hour! You treat your friends better than me.. I bet your cheating..."

When he gets like this. It puts me off so occasionally I do ignore his calls when he phones.

So, I try and see him every week, sometimes it's difficult as I suffer from a health condition and have to attend appointments and I have a young child. But I haven't recently seen him for the past few weeks as I've had a lot of health scares. But anyway, I work 4 days a week and have one day off, on those days my boyfriend would call me as soon as I dropped off my child to school in the morning and would entice me to see him on that day. I know it's pretty bad but sometimes I just want a day to myself, I just want to relax and not go out anywhere and as I spend my days in and out of appointments I just want to relax, on some of my days off. I tell me BF this but he gets very upset, he tells me that he is going through a lot right now and all he wants is my company- someone to talk to and for me to see him. When I do tell him that I'm sorry we meet next week, he tells me that his just going to jump out of the window, and recently he showed me a picture that he has cut his wrists (his going through a mental
Health crisis). I just don't know what to do as I'm finding it a bit much. This happened today and now he has been calling me numerous times on a private number.

Are you going to leave? Every reply is pointless if you don't see the seriousness of the situation you are now in. He threatened physical violence, verbally abuses you and accuses you of cheating. You need to leave. His mental health and suicide threats are not your responsibility.

Dump and block.

It’s over. In a normal situation you would want to see him on your day off. Obviously, most of us occasionally want a day to ourselves. But we would want to see our partner.

Your emotions are telling you what you don’t want to face. It’s over.

It’s over because he is abusing you. All the ‘you are cheating, why are you on the phone, who are you with, I will now become selfish, I will hurt myself’ is all manipulation.

He manipulates you AND he doesn’t give a shit about your needs or your mental health or physical health.

Dump him as every time every time he calls or messages saying he will hurt himself, call the police to do a welfare check. Don’t be tempted back because you feel sorry for him.

I can't just dump him like that as he is going through something major. He has just told me that he is going to A and E because he cut his arm and now it's numb. Sigh.

You can just dump him. He's controlling, manipulative and abusive - you owe him nothing. The medics will take care if him. He's threatening violence, you can't have someone like this round your DC.

You're not responsible for his safety, this isn't a loving partner in a crisis that needs support, this is a manipulative man who has told you he will 'smack you up'. Fuck him. Call the police if he comes anywhere near you.

I know it's pretty bad but sometimes I just want a day to myself
IT IS NOT "BAD" TO NEED A DAY TO YOURSELF.
You don't owe your b/f every free hour.
He has done such a number on you that you feel guilty for putting your own needs first for even a single day.

Maybe I'd be different if I didn't have a boyfriend like this.. who knows...
Of course you would be, You'd have time to uinwond, time to yourself, & nobody trying to control your every moment.

"Who are you on the phone to? You were on the phone for an hour,, I wish I could speak to you for an hour! You treat your friends better than me.. I bet your cheating..."
Ugh. What a nasty manipulative way to speak to you. He sounds about 12.

When I do tell him that I'm sorry we meet next week, he tells me that his just going to jump out of the window, and recently he showed me a picture that he has cut his wrists (his going through a mental
Health crisis). I just don't know what to do as I'm finding it a bit much. This happened today and now he has been calling me numerous times on a private number.
This is so unpleasant for you to have to put up with.
He's doing all of it deliberately to keep you controlled. He has no intention of ending his life.
Next time he makes you complicit in one of his suicide polys - ring the police, explain that your b/f is threatening suicide AGAIN & ask them to do a Welfare Check.

You cannot keep responding to his emotional blackmail.
Let the authorities handle it. It will give him a shock to have his bluff called.

So I should be making the effort and see him on my days off?
No, you should be dumping him, & having 365 days a year off. 366 on a leap year!
OP - he doesn't give you a moment's peace, he is acting out the classic "Script" with his 'suicide' malarkey, & he has just threatened you with violence.

How would it feel to message him back saying "it is unacceptable for you to threaten me, I am no longer available as your emotional punch bag, stop contacting me, I no longer wish to be with you." ?

What do you mean - "can't dump him"?

You didn't cut his arm - he did.
You didn't cause him to need A&E - he did.
You didn't threaten to smack anyone up - he did.

If you carry on with him just because he announces he's going through something major - guess what he will do? He will go through something major every week, just to keep you dancing to his selfish tune.

Why should you have to live like that?
You're not his girlfriend - you're his hostage.
He treats you appallingly. Dump him & be free.

Yes you can.

He has manipulated you into thinking you can’t. He is abusive. That’s why you think you can’t. But you absolutely can and should.

This isn’t good for you or your child.

Have you posted about him before? I’d be homeless, waiting for a visa and requiring you to pay for hotels so you can shag? As the tone of your posts is very familiar.

Also, can I ask:

• How old are you both?
• How long have you been together?
• If you’ve been together many years, is your child his?

"I can't just dump him like that as he is going through something major. He has just told me that he is going to A and E because he cut his arm and now it's numb".

More nasty manipulation from him to keep you hanging and or feeling that you cannot dump him. And by being his willing audience of one you are choosing to give him your precious headspace.

Why are your feelings not more important than your own here?. You've basically enabled him and he is treating you exactly now like the women he saw before you.

Are you confusing love here with codependency, it certainly appears so. A person cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, neither approach works. I would urge you to read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood, it may open your eyes.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a similar dysfunctional relationship between your parents?.

Your child sees all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to this man, what are you teaching your child about relationships here?.

What needs of yours is this man meeting?. Do you like rescuing and or saving other people?. If you happen to be in a "caring" type profession as well you're ideal fodder for such manipulative men to target as you are likely to be highly empathetic. He has groomed you by degrees and is still testing your poor boundaries. All that has been done by him to you over the years you've been seeing him.

He sounds like a nasty, petty, emotionally manipulative and abusive, controlling, manchild.

You absolutely CAN dump him. Whatever he is going through. HE has caused you to want to leave through his abusive behaviour. The consequence of this behaviour is you leaving him. You are not "doing it to him" - he has done it to himself. And as an independent, free adult, he can choose how he reacts to this - but he is not your responsibility nor your cause. You need to look after your child and yourself, and he is not a safe presence for either of you. Good luck.

He brings nothing positive to your life whatsoever.

Dump him. His issues are not your issues. They are not your responsibility to fix, and if he has nobody else, well that is no-one's fault but his own.

I don't know what to do. He keeps on calling and calling. If I switch off my phone this angers him. He texted me to say that I need to pick up my phone to him and not ignore him.

Just block him.

You're in an abusive relationship OP.

You have a child I'm sure you want to put first.

Being in a relationship with a man who is emotionally abusive, coercively controlling and has now threatened to physically harm you is not something that should even be an option now.

His last message should draw a line under things for you.

He should be nowhere near your child's orbit and even if he never met your child, that orbit includes you.

If he harms himself it isn't your fault. Mental health issues are not a valid 'excuse' for abuse. They may contribute to why the abuse happens but that doesn't make that abuse any more acceptable and doesn't make it any more right to stay.

He sounds like a master manipulator.

I would send one message saying you want not further contact and will be blocking him. If he somehow gets in touch another way threatening to harm himself (it's likely he'll say this, to manipulate you) then do not reply. Instead, call the police and say someone has threatened suicide so they can send someone to do a welfare check. If he really is harming himself, they are the right people to help him. If he isn't really harming himself, he's unlikely to bluff to you again.

Either way you've done the right thing.

To stay in a relationship with a manipulative, controlling and now threatening man is to do your child a disservice so please let your love for your child fuel your resolve to end it and stay away from him.

You have a duty of care to them, not him.

OP this might sound really obvious but have you actually told him to stop ringing you? If not, send him a text asking him to leave you alone, then you have something in writing.

He's threatening and abusive to you. You sound like you are on the run from someone who's stalking and harrassing you.
Have you considered you might have co-dependent patterns of responding.
This means you use 'caring' for someone as a way to get away from your own feelings.
Rescuing someone makes you feel good, but results in you only seeing his fragile 'childlike' side but turning a blind eye to his awful behaviour towards you.

A bit like the mother whose 2yr old kicks her on the shin and she says 'oh the poor love he's just tired'.

Are you more like in a mother role than a partner. It's not a healthy dynamic.
You are talking about him as if he's 5 years old and not your intellectual equal.

High maintenance men are attracted to women who put their own needs aside and are very undemanding and very attentive to the man's feelings.

There's a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's in a lot of libraries too.
Whatever's going on you need to get away from this man and cut your ties to him.

Tell him it’s over, then block him. It’s very straightforward.

This is exactly what I was going to ask, but where was the child when the op was with this man in a hotel all night?? (Including the occasion when he kicked her hard in the back and she waited until early morning to escape) Also if it is the same op, and it very much reads that way, the child presumably must be his as apparently they were together since they were at school.

I really thought it was that poster at first but they definitely didn't have a child (or said they didn't anyway) so I don't think it's the same person.

Though I agree it's a very similar and equally dangerous dynamic. Well, even more so as a child is involved.

OP needs to block him and focus on her child rather than feeling she has any duty of care to an adult man who is abusive to her.

Yeah he is going through something major - It's called being a psychopath.

Come on now op ffs ge just threatened to physically harm you. It's over.

Or it bloody well should be. He has a cluster of personality disorder of some sort. That's not actually an illness - its.who.he.is.

Infom the authorities of his behaviour and let them deal with him from there.

Woman up and put your child first instead of wasting your precious energy and mental health on this toxic shartgoblin!

Why would you want to stay with someone sending you such threatening texts? Especially when you have a child?