Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He said he's worried he'd have no desire for me

103 replies

Mezza17 · 06/10/2022 19:15

So, I wrote about my flakey guy last week.

The shit has now hit the fan.

Tonight, I feel broken and I need your help to pick myself back up, please. He's been blowing hot and cold for ages now. I eventually pinned him down. He knew "the talk" was coming. The last 6 months have been so much of a rollercoaster. We've spent hours and hours of our lives talking to each other and writing to each other. It's been full-on. The headspace he has taken up has been ridiculous.

So, I told him that I needed to know where it was going. He tried to dodge the topic... and continued to write to me, but not as a friend. As much more than that. It's been A LOT.

Anyway, he phoned me this evening to tell me that when I said I was big on the dating profile, he had been with big women before, but he was a bit worried about his desire for me in the long term.

I feel this is something he could have thought about after the first date. Instead of writing thousands and thousands of words to me including stories, poems, and a fucking book club we did together, watching the same films at the same time, sending pictures -not naked ones or anything. Texting back and forth day and night. Telling each other our whole life stories. Supporting each other through difficult times.

So, when I, very calmly, said that OK, he'd put that out there now, so we were done, he said it was very cruel of me to break off the friendship and that he didn't want to lose me like that and he saw more than my size: my kindness, humour, beautiful face blah, blah, blah and that I was being cruel to drop him as a friend because he felt more affection for me that for any other woman in his life and how hard it was for him. He said he felt very strange about it, but he thought he should tell me the truth even though it was hard to hear.

Yeah, but you just said I'm too fat for you, matey. There's no coming back from that. Why did you sleep with me and then go on about how good the sex was?

I feel like I've been played.

I'm heartbroken. My self-confidence was already LOW and now I'm in such a mess. I wish he'd lied to me and said it was something else.

Yes, I'm fat. But I thought we'd got that over with on the first date. I say it on my profile. With full-length photos.

I don't feel like I'm going to be able to pick myself up from this.

I've deleted his number and the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of words he sent to me.

I wasn't expecting this. I thought he was going to go on about "finding himself" and "not being ready" and "let's see where it goes".

I feel ill.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 06/10/2022 19:25

He is a massive bellend and you deserve better.

Over40Overdating · 06/10/2022 19:30

That man is an absolute waste of space and cruel with it.

Block him - he will keep pestering you because he thinks you’ll be that desperate now that he’s shattered your confidence.

As well as your heartbreak find your rage. How dare he.

It is shattering when men like this show their true selves but you will see it as a blessing eventually.

🌷

RandomMess · 06/10/2022 19:33

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

What an awful person to string you along like that Angry

hattie43 · 06/10/2022 19:34

He sounds nasty . I'm wondering if he's being influenced by his friends , can't understand why he has blown cold all of a sudden .

NunAyaBizniz · 06/10/2022 19:36

Don’t waste anymore time on this idiot

yougotthelook · 06/10/2022 19:36

RandomMess · 06/10/2022 19:33

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

What an awful person to string you along like that Angry

Have you only slept with him the once?
How many dates have you actually had? X

isittimetogotobed · 06/10/2022 19:42

Oh gosh that is very hard to take. I know it won't help now but you are better off without him

Mezza17 · 06/10/2022 19:45

I only slept with him once. But it was the all-night, all-morning, half-a-packet of condoms kind of sex. He didn't seem to have any trouble finding me desirable. In fact, he went on and on about how good it was afterwards. We live a long way from each other. He has his kid 50% of the time. I have mine all the time and about two months after we met my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and became very very ill. So, seeing each other has been hard, which is why we've relied on writing/phone/texts, etc. It's been very very full-on though. I haven't met his friends. We know everything about each other though. I'm sure he's feeling sad and conflicted. He'll have a gaping hole in his life now. It was a big deal. He's French. Maybe, culturally, they have no problem saying this kind of thing. But it feels almost violent to me. I feel like I'm sinking with all the shit that's going on in my life. I have my little girl, my really sick mother, and a sodding animal charity and I lost my job last week. And now this. Something that was a big positive in my life. For the first 5 months anyway.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 06/10/2022 19:46

What a dickhead. You deserve so much better. He deserves to chop a chilli and rub his eye.

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 06/10/2022 19:46

Jesus I'm so sorry.

Captnip500 · 06/10/2022 19:47

I’m sorry this happened to you OP, it’s really harsh and I am not surprised that it’s knocked you confidence.

The guy is clearly an idiot and a time waster. What the hell was he thinking stringing you along like that for all of that time, it’s not fair.and I agree, it would have been much kinder to lie or be vague and break it off. There’s honesty and then there’s being completely insensitive. And I say that as someone who has broken off dating someone because I didn’t think I could think I could fancy them at their size.

Don’t remain friends for gods sake. He will
only try and draw you back in to this drama and you aren’t looking for friends are you?

yougotthelook · 06/10/2022 19:51

Mezza17 · 06/10/2022 19:45

I only slept with him once. But it was the all-night, all-morning, half-a-packet of condoms kind of sex. He didn't seem to have any trouble finding me desirable. In fact, he went on and on about how good it was afterwards. We live a long way from each other. He has his kid 50% of the time. I have mine all the time and about two months after we met my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and became very very ill. So, seeing each other has been hard, which is why we've relied on writing/phone/texts, etc. It's been very very full-on though. I haven't met his friends. We know everything about each other though. I'm sure he's feeling sad and conflicted. He'll have a gaping hole in his life now. It was a big deal. He's French. Maybe, culturally, they have no problem saying this kind of thing. But it feels almost violent to me. I feel like I'm sinking with all the shit that's going on in my life. I have my little girl, my really sick mother, and a sodding animal charity and I lost my job last week. And now this. Something that was a big positive in my life. For the first 5 months anyway.

Oh OP I remember you're other post now.
I'm so sorry...what an absolute shit bag.
However...and I mean this kindly...LDR are very hard at the best of times.
You need to sack this guy off, take some time out and when you're ready, find someone much closer to home.
You have so much going on in your life right now, you need a man that lives 20 minutes or so away, not hours.
Sending love xxxx

EmmaH2022 · 06/10/2022 19:53

OP "But it feels almost violent to me."

I would feel the same. I wonder if he is hoping you will want to lose weight for him and is trying to manipulate you into that?

But he should never have slept with you. This in turn makes me wonder if he's got an image of how he wants a partner to seem to the outside world, if you know what I mean.

I wouldn't keep up the friendship either.

Delilahonabike · 06/10/2022 19:58

I wish there was a way to make you believe that this is 100% about him and nothing to do with your size but I know the damage is already done Sad He is an absolute piece of work though and I am at least glad he is not in your life anymore so he can't do any more damage, he doesn't deserve another second of your time or headspace Flowers

Mezza17 · 06/10/2022 20:01

Thank you all for this. I don't feel like I can tell my friends. I'm so embarrassed.

OP posts:
yougotthelook · 06/10/2022 20:04

Mezza17 · 06/10/2022 20:01

Thank you all for this. I don't feel like I can tell my friends. I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be embarrassed...your friends love and care for you.
We are strangers to you but WE are all pissed at him so imagine how your friends will react!
He's a dick and you will find someone so much better xxx

dontputitthere · 06/10/2022 20:09

Oh my god. What a heartless scum bag

Fuck him. I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. It sounds really stressful. This is the last thing you needed.

I'm so glad you've deleted his number. He's not worth any more of your time or head space.

I'm so angry for you! You honestly do not deserve this crap. Big hugs Flowers

minticecreamisjustok · 06/10/2022 20:12

Just be ruthless and kick men to the kerb when they are like this.
All you can do in future is meet quickly and dont invest too much time into them, until they've shown you they are worth it.

dontgosummer · 06/10/2022 20:15

Congratulations OP ❤️

you've just lost about 12 stone of stupid lard

You deserve so much better , be kind to yourself 💐

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/10/2022 20:15

Well isn't he an insecure twat who can't admit that he fancies women who aren't the 'socially conventional' shape. Sounds like he totally desired and liked you but was too much of a coward to actually stand up and say so. And then expected you to feel sympathy for how hard it was for him! The pathetic wanker! 😡Sounds like you're not the first, or the last, bigger woman, he'll be too cowardly to be happy with.

TheWolves · 06/10/2022 20:17

Bless you. I'm somewhat in the same boat. I've been sort of dating someone for a couple of months. I am reasonably busy and away a lot, but he's spent most of that time in either Scotland or Spain. When I have seen him, he's got other plans halfway through or he comes round at nearly midnight and falls asleep. He invited me to Scotland but he's so flaky I was suspicious and luckily didn't make any firm plans. Today, he invited me again - as a joke, it turns out.

When I tried talking to him about it today he said he didn't want to argue and then blanked me. I'm just hovering over the block button now...

Just wish I'd never got emotionally invested in the first place :(

Floydthebarber · 06/10/2022 20:19

He's a knob. And I suspect it's got nothing to do with your size, or you at at all, he just never intended to commit to anything.

AsAnyFuleKno · 06/10/2022 20:21

Total time waster. He just wants you to pander to his ego and analyse his every brain fart with him. Get rid.

J0y · 06/10/2022 20:22

A dickhead messed you around. Join the club xxxx
This is about him not you.
Funny how men always realise why it wouldn't work long term AFTER they've slept with you.

Annabananna1 · 06/10/2022 20:24

If you've only had sex once In six months I think you should put the 'relationship' in to perspective. It was all smoke and mirrors. Endless messages with no substance.

I think the constant messaging / missing eachother thing is quite addictive.

Clearly this was always going to be a tricky relationship logistically with the distance and your availability. It never would have worked. His reason was horrible. But realise that you hardly knew this man in reality. It was all BS just like his comment. Be glad you can now have the space you need to concentrate on the important things in your life. Don't replay it all over and over in your mind, and don't give him a second chance.

So sorry that you encountered this dickhead.