He said he's worried he'd have no desire for me

[Mezza17]

So, I wrote about my flakey guy last week.

The shit has now hit the fan.

Tonight, I feel broken and I need your help to pick myself back up, please. He's been blowing hot and cold for ages now. I eventually pinned him down. He knew "the talk" was coming. The last 6 months have been so much of a rollercoaster. We've spent hours and hours of our lives talking to each other and writing to each other. It's been full-on. The headspace he has taken up has been ridiculous.

So, I told him that I needed to know where it was going. He tried to dodge the topic... and continued to write to me, but not as a friend. As much more than that. It's been A LOT.

Anyway, he phoned me this evening to tell me that when I said I was big on the dating profile, he had been with big women before, but he was a bit worried about his desire for me in the long term.

I feel this is something he could have thought about after the first date. Instead of writing thousands and thousands of words to me including stories, poems, and a fucking book club we did together, watching the same films at the same time, sending pictures -not naked ones or anything. Texting back and forth day and night. Telling each other our whole life stories. Supporting each other through difficult times.

So, when I, very calmly, said that OK, he'd put that out there now, so we were done, he said it was very cruel of me to break off the friendship and that he didn't want to lose me like that and he saw more than my size: my kindness, humour, beautiful face blah, blah, blah and that I was being cruel to drop him as a friend because he felt more affection for me that for any other woman in his life and how hard it was for him. He said he felt very strange about it, but he thought he should tell me the truth even though it was hard to hear.

Yeah, but you just said I'm too fat for you, matey. There's no coming back from that. Why did you sleep with me and then go on about how good the sex was?

I feel like I've been played.

I'm heartbroken. My self-confidence was already LOW and now I'm in such a mess. I wish he'd lied to me and said it was something else.

Yes, I'm fat. But I thought we'd got that over with on the first date. I say it on my profile. With full-length photos.

I don't feel like I'm going to be able to pick myself up from this.

I've deleted his number and the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of words he sent to me.

I wasn't expecting this. I thought he was going to go on about "finding himself" and "not being ready" and "let's see where it goes".

I feel ill.

omg he has messed you around so much! You are worth so much more than this!

Plenty of men find big women attractive. Follow Alicia McCarvell for starters.

Please move on, hold your head high and find someone decent.

This isn’t about fat. It’s about him not doing LTR. He likes the adrenaline bit, and you, but he’s avoidant.

It’s awful, and they’re not nice or ok people. Your only consolation is that you’ve dodged a bullet. Big bullet.

In time you’ll heave a sigh of relief.

I know its easy to say this but please don't be embarrassed. This is all on him, his failings and his own stupidity.
There is not a self respecting woman on the planet who would feel ok with what he said and be ok with settling as being friends after all hes put you through.
It sounds like negging in all honesty, putting you on the backfoot so that even if you were to continue seeing him you'd always having that niggling fear in the back of your mind wondering if hes attracted to you.

So he thought that this was the perfect time to change the dynamic to you being so pathetically grateful for any scraps of attention he'd throw your way, thus enabling him to do whatever he liked probably with his wife and you'd just say 'Yes, thank you'?

He didn't like it when it sounded like you were taking some control - it wasn't the intended result of his cruelty - it was to get you under his thumb.

Chuck him back into the shallow end of the dating puddle where you found him.

Oh yes, a lot of men will start off like a relationship and then attempt a relegation.

I agree it's nothing to do with how you look. I'm a size six and I've just been messed around royally.

Honestly, in my opinion he’s got no problem with your ‘size’ his problem is he’s insecure & trying to fck with your self esteem so you invest more in him & feel ‘lucky’ that he’s willing to ‘settle’. Thank GOD you haven’t fallen for this crap, WELL DONE for telling him to piss off, he’s a prick, loser, piece of sht. If he can go at if all night long it’s obviously not a question of desirability now or long term. He deserves nothing but contempt.

I’m so sorry, I know it feels so shit right now, but baby steps, just get through hour by hour, day by day and please be kind to yourself, this is totally his projection onto you

Yes. Negging. Finding your insecurities. A tactic. Just realised, this may mean he tries to return with some sort of offering.

Oh Mexzza, that was so cruel. Sometimes life craps on us and all we need is someone to hold our hands. But what you got was a dickhead who made it all much worse. I had something a bit similar long ago, and I suspect others here have too. You think you're broken at the time. But later you see you've come through it, hopefully with your shit-detector better tuned.

I hope you're having good times with your little girl. I hope you and your Mum have time to care and help each other through her illness. I hope you soon have a better job and a better lover. xx

This says everything about him and absolutely nothing about you.

I bet you’re beautiful and he was obviously physically attracted to you….it sounds like negging, and he expected to be able to make you feel grateful for his crumbs of attention.

He is a twat. You, my dear, are not. Sending you a massive hug x

It's nothing to do with your size. If it was, you wouldn't have had sex.
To me it sounds like the start of a begging/control thing - he's tried to test you to see what kind of bullshit you'll tolerate from him, and then when it turns out it's zero (good for you!) he acts hurt and will turn it into 'wah, I told the truth and look what happened, wimmin just want men who'll just flatter them and nobody cares for righteous little truth-telling me'.
You've dodged a bullet. Keep dodging. I'm sorry life's a bit shit right now, but he doesn't sound like he'd have been someone who would have much enhanced it.

It's his loss, you sound lovely. He's messing with you when he knows you're worrying about your Mum, what a knob.

Regardless of what he said, anyone who writes thousands of words etc is an absolute fucking bellend. You have had a lucky escape if you ask me.

The thing is, I hear what you're all saying, but he just really didn't seem like a dickhead at all. He's been doing so much to help me recently. He's really been there for me and actually spent hours working on some admin stuff for me. He's remembered every single thing I've ever told him.

We've laughed and cried. It really was intense. So, it's hard for me to switch into "yeah, he's a dickhead" mode, because he seemed like such a kind, caring man. Even when he said it, he sounded upset. Like he really didn't want to say it.

And then the text messages afterwards apologising and saying what was good about me and how hard it was. And how sad he was. He's clearly a depressive. I've thought that for a while. He had to go and see a doctor through work and they said the same thing. He's in the middle of a divorce. He's missing his kid like crazy. He could be losing his job. So, his life is a mess.

I just think that that's what he really thinks about me. He also said that there was no guarantee that if I wasn't his size that it would work, given the distance and everything.

I told him I would have preferred a lie and he said he didn't feel like lying to me.

He then said he would always be there for me. And I think he would. But how can I? There's just no way.

I think it's come as a shock.

I've deleted all his messages and spent the last house trying to retrieve them like some sort of glutton for punishment. Anyway, it seems complicated, so I won't. I still have the emails in the deleted folder. It's so hard. All that fucking time and energy. Jesus.

He threw it all away. Because I'm fat. Which he knew from day one. There are photos of me all over the Internet, so he'd seen all that before we met. He said he thought I was ravishing and charming and he liked curves. That he'd been with skinny women and bigger women, but never very big women. Well, I suppose I am very big.

He's blown hot and cold. Maybe it was all about my weight, which makes me feel like absolute shit. I feel like a big sack of shit. And I know it's all my own fault for over-eating. I know that. But I'm just so so down. My head is killing from crying. It's ridiculous. I can't let a man bring me down like this. I just can't. I never thought he'd do this to me.

He's probably married

To argue the other side. Maybe he loves your personality and you but doesn’t find you physically attractive. I’m a fat woman myself so not suggesting at all that fat women aren’t desirable - but maybe he’s been wrestling with that in his head. Surely everyone has encountered someone they find amazing but just don’t fancy? Either way, you clearly can’t just be mates so tell him to fuck off (politely) and go live your best life

Everything you’ve said about him makes me even more convinced that he would be abusive.

The intensity
Remembering everything you told him and using it as a way to show “support”
The hot and cold behaviour.

If abusers were dickheads from the start, nobody would ever get involved with them. He’s done enough to hook you in with the nice guy act, and now he’s showing who he really is. Believe him.

There are a lot of red flags here OP x

Married? And using the most obvious albeit cruel get out clause?

Sorry OP , what a cuntish thing for him to say. Xx

Hes a coward OP. Sure he's good with words but unfortunately a LOT of cowards are.
I agree with posters who think this is a control thing, it also reads to me like he has love bombed you?
To love bomb and hurt you at a time like this in your life is unforgivable in my opinion.
Fwiw, I have been through similar- I was absolutely crazy about a guy, thought it was mutual, but 20 minutes after having sex he told me it was a shame I wasn't 'girlfriend material' (because I was 'the kind of girl' who would have sex with him even though we weren't in a relationship).

That one still smarts 15 years later 😅

Do be kind to yourself OP, even if it's just buying some cosy new pjs, new cushions for the sofa, treat day out for you and your daughter. This isn't your fault ❤️

He's sniffed out your low self esteem and used it to neg you OP. You can't possibly be undesirable to him if he managed to get it up enough to go through half a packet of condoms!
More than likely has an idea in his head of the trophy girlfriend which you don't match (most of us probably wouldn't).
When you dust yourself off and start dating again never tell any man you date that you are insecure about your weight , it gives the cruel losers a stick to beat you with and if it is something you're already conscious of it hurts even more!

Even if he has been a friend to you OP, I think you have to think of what is actually behind this. Just think of being in his position. If you'd started dating someone who had some kind of physical attribute that you didn't fancy, would you have had an amazing night of sex with them? Would you have kept in touch for ages, every single day? And most importantly, would you ever even consider telling them that you were worried that this physical attribute was unattractive to you?
You wouldn't. You'd make an excuse, say something else. He has been intentionally cruel to you for absolutely no reason and will do it again, and will try to justify it again given half the chance. Life with this man would be horrible, even if you were a size 6 and look like Kate Moss.

Even if he is about to lose his job and is divorcing, what on earth do you this would come next once he's got you grovelling for attention? He'd need housing, feeding, clothing - and you'd be supposed to be grateful for this textbook cocklodger situation unfolding whilst he kept his options open on OLD because 'I said I might not fancy you, didn't I?'

At the end of the day, you're looking for a partner, not an Emotional Support Animal. Unless you need another friend, he's not going be what you need. He doesn't get to choose which parts of you to love.

This is one occasion where I think it is kinder to tell a white lie. He didn’t need to tell you that was the reason, but he chose to. That is cruel.

Loads of men find big women attractive. I don’t know any women that find cruel men attractive.