He said he's worried he'd have no desire for me

[Mezza17]

So, I wrote about my flakey guy last week.

The shit has now hit the fan.

Tonight, I feel broken and I need your help to pick myself back up, please. He's been blowing hot and cold for ages now. I eventually pinned him down. He knew "the talk" was coming. The last 6 months have been so much of a rollercoaster. We've spent hours and hours of our lives talking to each other and writing to each other. It's been full-on. The headspace he has taken up has been ridiculous.

So, I told him that I needed to know where it was going. He tried to dodge the topic... and continued to write to me, but not as a friend. As much more than that. It's been A LOT.

Anyway, he phoned me this evening to tell me that when I said I was big on the dating profile, he had been with big women before, but he was a bit worried about his desire for me in the long term.

I feel this is something he could have thought about after the first date. Instead of writing thousands and thousands of words to me including stories, poems, and a fucking book club we did together, watching the same films at the same time, sending pictures -not naked ones or anything. Texting back and forth day and night. Telling each other our whole life stories. Supporting each other through difficult times.

So, when I, very calmly, said that OK, he'd put that out there now, so we were done, he said it was very cruel of me to break off the friendship and that he didn't want to lose me like that and he saw more than my size: my kindness, humour, beautiful face blah, blah, blah and that I was being cruel to drop him as a friend because he felt more affection for me that for any other woman in his life and how hard it was for him. He said he felt very strange about it, but he thought he should tell me the truth even though it was hard to hear.

Yeah, but you just said I'm too fat for you, matey. There's no coming back from that. Why did you sleep with me and then go on about how good the sex was?

I feel like I've been played.

I'm heartbroken. My self-confidence was already LOW and now I'm in such a mess. I wish he'd lied to me and said it was something else.

Yes, I'm fat. But I thought we'd got that over with on the first date. I say it on my profile. With full-length photos.

I don't feel like I'm going to be able to pick myself up from this.

I've deleted his number and the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of words he sent to me.

I wasn't expecting this. I thought he was going to go on about "finding himself" and "not being ready" and "let's see where it goes".

I feel ill.

Honestly OP he just sounds like a self absorbed wanker, he definitely has issues! You on the other hand sound fucking glorious, who the fuck wants 'normal'?!! The right person won't see being part of your life as 'putting up with shit' and they won't make you feel like shit for not ticking their poxy boxes, and that person will be a lucky bastard to be with you

He did not throw this away because you're fat. He couldn't care less that you're fat, he obviously fancied you and enjoyed your relationship. For some reason he wants to distance himself or play power games and is lying about your weight being an issue.
This is absolutely nothing about you and your attractiveness and everything about you having the misfortune to get involved with a bit of a weird one. It happens and it's hurtful. But honestly this sort of strange behaviour is better to come out sooner rather than later, so you've dodged a bullet.

OP sidebar
10 cats? How great is that! I won’t ask for the traditional cat tax on this occasion.

im not surprised he’s trying to make out that you are cruel.

btw how far away is he? Any risk of him turning up on the doorstep? If not, then I’d block.

God so predictable. I'm slim and have had this. They relegate you. You hold your boundary, and then they're like "respect my right to relegate you".

Totally agree with pos. Not a weight issue. Standard dick move.

It hurts to begin with but later you wonder why it was so hard. Hold firm

He's a 2.5 hour drive away.

Thank you all for being so kind. You've really helped me through this. I'll read your messages again when I'm feeling weak. Like now! I was the last one to write, saying "We've both said what wanted to say. Let's leave it at that. We want different things from this life." And now I'm checking my phone every two minutes to see if he's written back. I have to go no contact. Forever. It's the only way. I know it. I know it. x

Reading your post again, it's all about how he sees things, his perception, his desire.
No comprehension that maybe his dithering isn't for you.

I have one of these. He relegated me. But when I think of him now it's only in the way that I wouldnt tolerate that now. I don't miss him now. I adored him. He relegated me. He tried to make me feel conventional and needy that I wouldn't accept his breadcrumbs but looking back on it now, refusing to be relegated really bolstered my sense of my self.

Longer term this is so good for you. Hurts now but this is going to filter upwards and strengthen you.

🍷

Yes, you're right. It's all about him and how I'm hurting him and how I don't understand him.

He did apologise if he'd upset me but said he thinks I've been unreasonable by calling him not honest. He also said what he liked about me and what parts of me - obviously not my fat arse! - 'seduced' him. But it's all very pretentious. He also slipped in quite a lot of jokes, like the 'good old days', and then clearly got upset when he didn't get the right response. I just don't know what he's expecting to happen! I don't think he's been seeing other women because he can't have had time. He can't have had the energy to do all this with someone else.

I've looked at our old messages and he was very text-happy after our first date. He got the second date booked in within a day. I was a big fatty then. In fact, I think I was 7 kilos heavier. I'm about a size 24. But tall. And with a shit-hot face. I'm exaggerating obviously. I carry all my weight on my arse and legs.

And he was very happy after the second date. We had a kiss and he went on and on about it.

Then there was a bit of a 'to-do' when he was complaining about how he was going to be a lonely old man and I said well, what are you on dating sites and he said I was pushing him into defining the relationship and I said I wasn't. Because I wasn't.

Then the writing carried on. A lot of flirting, emotional support, full-on. The guy knows everything about me. I know everything about him. It was loooooooong.

Then - because of all the chemo and scans and massive problems with my mum - she had pulmonary embolisms and it was all very very very bad - we didn't see each other until last month, when we had an amazing meal out, cocktails, and perfectly good sex.

Then he went on about the sex afterwards and how good it was. Which he did again today. Now this was only about three weeks ago. So, I don't know why my flab is such a turn-off now.

I wonder if it's because he's going through a divorce and he met me quite early and he feels like he hasn't had a fair enough crack at the whip. I was his first date after his wife. The first person he'd slept with apart from her in 10 years. I think he played the field a lot before her.

Right, I'm over-analysing all this. I think a big part is that I really fell for him because everything else in my life is so awful at the moment. It's been the worst 6 months ever. So, he was this wonderful thing that happened and so supportive and kind and fun and funny. And I allowed myself to hope and dream and all that crap. We had a fucking book club together and listened to the same CDs at the same time or watched the same series and then talked about it. Jesus. I've been a proper dope.

Doesn't sound like it's really about your size. That's something he's picked - consciously or sub-consciously - as a hook on which to hang his issues about commitment.

Because he knew about your size from your words & pics before even going on a date. And obviously he knew about your size from the first date. And yet he continued intense more-than-friendsing. And slept with you several times one night. And went on about how good it was afterwards. And still wants to be close friends. And isn't respecting your right not to change the relationship to exactly his terms especially after he's insulted you.

Sounds like he lacks the maturity to commit to (or be respectful) to anyone, but he's more comfortable making it an issue with you, rather than him.

Consider it a longer term problem avoided.

Presumably he'll also be worried about any woman ageing, and how that might affect his longer term interest. Not your problem now.

Sounds like you best block him. I know what you mean about falling hard because other things are crap. But it’s not your real judgment in that situation if you know what I mean. Tomorrow will be better. And then days will go by and you won’t think about him at all. You sound way too good for this ass hat.

So, when I, very calmly, said that OK, he'd put that out there now, so we were done, he said it was very cruel of me to break off the friendship and that he didn't want to lose me like that and he saw more than my size: my kindness, humour, beautiful face blah, blah, blah and that I was being cruel to drop him as a friend because he felt more affection for me that for any other woman in his life and how hard it was for him. He said he felt very strange about it, but he thought he should tell me the truth even though it was hard to hear.

Well done for dumping him. Keep him dumped & do NOT stay "friends".
This arsehole fancied you enough to maintain an intense relationship with you.
His deliberately chosen words are bullshit - he just knew you well enough to know exactly where to kick you with some highly selected negging.

Deep down, he knows you are too good for him so he wanted to bring you down. He knows you are vibrant & intelligent & needed to control you. To manipulate you into feeling "less than". Now he has the almighty fucking cheek to call YOU cruel! What he is saying is "I reserve the right to make you feel like shit & have you still available to me on my terms. Because I am a little dickwad who can't cope with a strong-minded woman."

Note how his little wounded speech is all about HIM.
Not a word about you, your feelings, your security, or what you deserve from a relationship. So YOU focus on that, & keep this man out of your life

So, it's hard for me to switch into "yeah, he's a dickhead" mode, because he seemed like such a kind, caring man. Even when he said it, he sounded upset. Like he really didn't want to say it.

But he DID say it. He knew how it would hurt, & he said it anyway. Because he wants you dangling, undermined, accepting whatever crumbs he chooses to eke out to you.

He Love Bombed you. And Love Bombers always let you down - it's their thing.
Also - he's a pretentious twat.
His screeds of text All About Him are sickening. He really doesn't spare you a thought (his flowery compliments are 10 a penny. Just more Love Bombing - as if he thinks he can reel you back in by papering over his cruelty & DARVO'ing you that YOU are the cruel one.)

@Mezza17

I think what he said was awful. I don’t see weight as something to comment on (unless positively) in a relationship because it’s clearly so hurtful. You accept the person as they are and for who they are.

When you embark on a relationship, people tend to let someone in on all their vulnerabilities - and the fact that he’s said something like that shows a complete lack of care/concern for your feelings. Potential narcissist - and love bombing. Wonder why he is divorced.

You deserve better than this, and you’ve done nothing wrong.

I think that non-English men do tend to be a bit impolite and brutal and not even realise it.

How are you doing op? I’ve only just found your thread. I hope you’re doing ok? 💐

If you were a size six it’d be the size of your nose or the colour of your hair, he’s just a loser with time for endless games and you’re better off without him. He just can’t commit, that’s all.
In the bin for him!

Classic. Love-bombing, then devaluing you. It was meant to wound your self esteem so you’d look to HIM to fix it, which is how they gain power and keep someone on the hook, slowly crushing their spirit.

CHEERING for you that you blocked the creep. Haha, he didn’t reckon with your inner strength.

I hope when you have a little time to heal from his (yes, violent) words, you’ll feel a mile tall, and walk proudly- you unwittingly beat this f*cking worm at his own little game.

please block him and keep him blocked- he’s absolutely no good.

you deserve better. And the bit about your size was complete bullshit. Obvs he found you very attractive, and a far better man will, too.

@barmycatmum Thank you so so much for your lovely words.

@Smashingpumpkinsatchristmas I'm doing much better thanks. I found someone else. A lovely man who's done nothing but be kind to me. He doesn't seem complicated. No navel-gazing. Nothing weird. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop! The other guy is still in touch. He told me he was jealous and not to talk to him about the new man. OK. Fine. I still feel hurt sometimes about what he said. It comes to me in the middle of the night and I cry. He did a real number on me. But I moved on quickly. I needed to. For my self-esteem.
The guy I'm seeing now listens to me and remembers what I said. He cooks amazing meals for me. We curl up and watch films. We go out. He seems to really care. We're taking it very slowly though. I see him once a week. He understands that. No complaints. It's early days. I don't have that same "wow" feeling I had with the other one. I don't share all the same interests with the new guy. He's not a reader. He likes mountain biking. I don't. He's pretty straightforward. He laughs a lot and has lots of energy. I feel happy and relaxed when I'm with him. I've realised that I don't need to read the same books as the person I'm with. Or like the same music. I don't know why I thought that was so important. I'm going to see how things go with the nice guy.

The other guy is still in touch. He told me he was jealous and not to talk to him about the new man.

FFS you don't have to talk to Mr Flakey AT ALL. Ever.
Why is he in your life? He is not you friend.

Lovely update about Mr New! Uncomplicated & happy - great news!
Have fun

So nice to see that update 😊

I think it's actually sometimes better not to have overwhelming "wow". I don't know about you but I'm the kind of person that finds that too much to manage. Might have something to do with me having bipolar though. Someone that gives you that nice, calm, steady feeling can be much much better x

I'm also curious why Frenchie is still being given text space in your life now you've met a nice man who treats you kindly?

Good news about new man; block and delete your ex’s number

Why haven’t you blocked this man?

I did block him, but he then emailed me and said he'd been worried to death. He seems to think we can be BFFs. I don't think he has a lot of people in his life. I don't know. We got on so well. But there's no flirting now. It's just maybe once-a-week check-ins. I've told my new bloke everything and he says he trusts me to do what I think is right. The feelings for Mr. Flake disappeared pretty quickly. I don't feel anything romantic towards him. We'll have the odd chat about music or I'll ask him to check something in French for me. It's not intense chatting and the personal stuff has stopped. I think it will fizzle out over time. I found it very hard to just get rid. I've got no backbone. He pissed me off before Christmas when he told me that dating was so hard and that he was looking for someone just like me. He'd slept with someone, but it wasn't as good as it had been with me. Yeah, that's what I need to hear. Dick. I told him I didn't want to know anything about it. Even if he begged me, I would never go there again. I still think about him. But in an "I can't believe he did that to me" way.
My new guy is very sweet. He bought me Christmas presents that meant something. He'd been listening to something I'd said and bought me a related gift. He cooks amazing vegetarian food for me even though he's not one. And, I know it's stupid, but he bought me a mug to keep at his house when we first got together - I wrote a post about it on here because I thought he was "love-bombing" me. Anyway, I broke it. The handle smashed into about six pieces. He said he'd fix it. The next time I went, he'd bought me a different mug. But when I went over last night, he'd fixed the original mug. And I was really touched. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've been out with so many dopes. None of my exes would have fixed my mug. It feels symbolic in some way. I hope I've got a good one. I might be thinking about it too much though. It seems easy with him. I have a very sick mother living with me. Life is really hard. He says he will go at my pace and fit in with me. I hope it's true. I'm so wary. If this doesn't work out, I won't bother trying again for a while. I also run an animal charity. He adopted two cats from me. And he's an amazing cat dad. We'll see what happens.