He said he's worried he'd have no desire for me

[Mezza17]

So, I wrote about my flakey guy last week.

The shit has now hit the fan.

Tonight, I feel broken and I need your help to pick myself back up, please. He's been blowing hot and cold for ages now. I eventually pinned him down. He knew "the talk" was coming. The last 6 months have been so much of a rollercoaster. We've spent hours and hours of our lives talking to each other and writing to each other. It's been full-on. The headspace he has taken up has been ridiculous.

So, I told him that I needed to know where it was going. He tried to dodge the topic... and continued to write to me, but not as a friend. As much more than that. It's been A LOT.

Anyway, he phoned me this evening to tell me that when I said I was big on the dating profile, he had been with big women before, but he was a bit worried about his desire for me in the long term.

I feel this is something he could have thought about after the first date. Instead of writing thousands and thousands of words to me including stories, poems, and a fucking book club we did together, watching the same films at the same time, sending pictures -not naked ones or anything. Texting back and forth day and night. Telling each other our whole life stories. Supporting each other through difficult times.

So, when I, very calmly, said that OK, he'd put that out there now, so we were done, he said it was very cruel of me to break off the friendship and that he didn't want to lose me like that and he saw more than my size: my kindness, humour, beautiful face blah, blah, blah and that I was being cruel to drop him as a friend because he felt more affection for me that for any other woman in his life and how hard it was for him. He said he felt very strange about it, but he thought he should tell me the truth even though it was hard to hear.

Yeah, but you just said I'm too fat for you, matey. There's no coming back from that. Why did you sleep with me and then go on about how good the sex was?

I feel like I've been played.

I'm heartbroken. My self-confidence was already LOW and now I'm in such a mess. I wish he'd lied to me and said it was something else.

Yes, I'm fat. But I thought we'd got that over with on the first date. I say it on my profile. With full-length photos.

I don't feel like I'm going to be able to pick myself up from this.

I've deleted his number and the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of words he sent to me.

I wasn't expecting this. I thought he was going to go on about "finding himself" and "not being ready" and "let's see where it goes".

I feel ill.

Totally agree with this.
Hes controlling.
All the intense messaging is bullshit, hes hooked you without real substance and blowing hot and cold is part of that.
It puts you on the back foot , questioning yourself, wondering what you did wrong and then flooded with relief and addictive dopamine when he is nice.
He then has you on a string, like a puppet.
Yes to the negging
Another tactic to wrong foot you, make you grateful and him in control.
The messages are not real.
He could write any old shit, its his actions that are the real him.
You had sex once in 6 months, hes kept you on a string so he can have sex with you again when he chooses.

Please block him

I agree with the poster who said this is nothing to do with your size. If you were slim then he would have picked something else, something he sensed that you felt a bit insecure about

He has got something wrong with him. This isn’t about you.

I actually think this might be about your size, but not because he doesn't fancy you. I think he probably does and that he probably does like you a lot, but is scared about other peoples opinions.

You deserve a man who's proud to show you off and who loves you for who you are, regardless of his reasons.

This

I agree. Aren't French women known to be generally slim and watch their figures quite fanatically?

Yes and I bet he's not got six pack abs.

The men that me laugh the most are the ones who feel entitled to a model type, whilst looking like they have just crawled out of a morgue.

I know a man who was absolutely incensed that a woman on a dating app posted pictures of when she was slimmer.

When she left he let her know all about how he felt catfished and what a turnoff her weight gain had been.

He also went out with a 25 year old about 12 years younger and would implore her to use sunscreen, as he said her job as cabin crew with the sun shining through the windows was giving her wrinkles!

Needless to say he is a narcissistic type.

There are some very nasty people out there with big issues, which are about them not you.

I just think that that's what he really thinks about me. He also said that there was no guarantee that if I wasn't his size that it would work, given the distance and everything

He's a prick and you are better off without him. TBH I am wondering too whether he is possibly still in his marriage. He has given you several excuses and there was no need at all to mention your size.

I know a man who was absolutely incensed that a woman on a dating app posted pictures of when she was slimmer.

But why did she use those photos if she didn't want men to think she was slimmer? It is catfishing/lying. He's not wrong to be annoyed at that, imo. The rest he was being a dick over.

None of this is your fault. He chose to pursue this despite what he now claims about your size. He’s been indecisive and weak, and emotionally immature to put this all on you.
please don’t feel bad about yourself- you really don’t deserve to. You’ve had a rough ride but none of it is because of your weight and frankly you sound so warm, genuine, kind, confident, funny and resilient. He sounds like a dithering weak excuse of a man needing you to prop him up emotionally. Delete, have a cry and move on. But don’t change yourself for him.

Thank you so much, everyone. I really appreciate it. I've written him an email this morning as my way of getting closure because I didn't feel like I managed that yesterday. Our conversation was in French and although I speak French, I'm not as fluent as I am in English. So, I had a little think about it and told him that he hadn't treated me well at all. He's a bright man. It needed saying before he does it to the next person. He should have just cut things off after the first date, not done this for six months, not slept with me, not pissed me about... especially with everything else that has been going on in my life. The email probably won't teach him anything at all, but I felt like I owed it to myself to give him a bit of a telling-off because I'm always so fucking nice. I think he genuinely doesn't think he's done anything wrong and seems to think I'm being the arsey one for not wanting to continue the friendship. But I've said everything I have to say. So, if he writes back, there's no need for me to continue with any back and forth. I've got to find a job and prioritise my daughter and mother. And myself. I'll lay off the OLD sites for a good while. What a load of shit that is. And I would like to get healthier, but for myself. Not for some inconsiderate twat. I'm still having massive trouble believing he's done what he's done. I've got such a headache from all the crying. It took a lot for me to put myself out there and I really felt like we shared something amazing. I don't think he was giving me lines. It was genuine. But, there you go. That's how these things are and at 43, I should be able to handle it, but I can't. Not once did he mention my weight before yesterday. He drove hours and hours to see me and stayed in nearby towns in hotels on the off chance I could go and see him. He held my hand throughout my mother's diagnosis. He's spent hours helping me, translating stuff for me, doing stuff for me. He's been looking for jobs for me. He sent a Kindle to my mum. He's always sending me pictures, links. He chats all day. It's all so upsetting. I'll get over it. I don't know how I'll trust someone else though. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'm better on my own. Thank you all for helping me.

Wow. That was one long bit paragraph! Sorry!

That's something women do. Give benefit of the doubt, go on dates and see if there is chemistry. Like him for his personality. Men don't spend time and effort like this French bloke did with op if he wasn't physically attracted. They just wouldn't.

OP, I think it's his depression talking... and the French are known to be fatphobic. His French friends and family would absolutely take the piss. He likes and fancies you but the reality of introducing you to his world as a partner is too much for him, the coward. Sadly, this happens with immature guys - age irrelevant. I'm just sorry he wasted your time please don't let him waste any more of your valuable life.

No penis on earth is worth this level of navel gazing. Sounds like a farce from the start, all the waffling on in letters. Dating is meant to be light and fun.
Focus on parenting, bypass ridiculous men.

"Ah the weak sensual, pleasure-loving French. You know not going to war because they're still in bed at two in the afternoon, with the sheets coiled between their knees, lying there scatching themselves, smoking a Gauloise inside a Gitane, sweating Nice Sancerre. Before one of them sloughs off the sheets to pad around the kitchen naked.
No not naked, naked from the waist down. To emphasise their nakedity. Picking up yesterdays croisant crumbs with their sweaty feet. Slashing yesterdays paintings"

😂

You and OP have been flogging a dead horse. The minute these idiots start blowing hot and cold, that's when to exit.

OP that's awful of him. He's used you for sex. And emotional support. Your size is most probably nothing but an excuse. It's just an obvious way of trying to make it your fault instead of accepting responsibility for his own actions. He's also entitled - you don't owe him friendship just because he wants it. You wanted dating but he feels no obligation to owe you that! He's manipulative too, he failed to tell you all he wanted was one-off sex and ongoing emotional support. He knew if he told you this, you'd be off like a shot. What a bastard.

Dylan Moran - Monster ☝

OP I am not familiar with the back story so I don’t know if he was blowing hot and cold

I think sometimes people do this for their warped personalities but sometimes they don’t even do the hot and cold bit. Like the sort of people who have an office life of manipulating people for years and years.

none of it is about you. I just feel like those people are on the increase.

I'm so sorry OP, this is awful and I really feel for you. I am currently the biggest I have ever been and I have been single for years. I would love to meet someone and want to try OLD but feel like no one would be interested - has anyone had any good OLD experiences as a bigger woman?

What I've learned in life is:
-Relationships/friendships should never be confusing-stick with straight forward people or else you'll be on a never ending roller coaster of emotions and time wasting.
-If someone shows themselves to be insensitive/rude they will be again and again so if this bothers you cut them off even if you think it's down to a cultural difference.
-Overweight people seem like a freak if anyone comments negatively on their weight. The truth is EVERYONE is insulted including slim people they just are dished out a different insult and it hurts and makes them feel just as inferior too. That's the insulters morive. I look at it that we are all different and that's a good thing, have had different lives and have different crosses to bare. Weight doesn't define you and someone saying they aren't attracted to your curves doesn't mean noone else is or that you're inferior or unloveable or not beautiful. It does however say a lot about the person using that either about their view of the world or as it shows they have issues as they purposely want to hurt others.
I bet you can think of loads of very curvy beautiful women right now-would you think they're flawed?! I wouldn't!

I must admit that this has preyed on my mind as I’m short and size 16/18 and was debating looking for … something… mainly due to loss of friends. I don’t believe for a minute that someone could sleep with someone they didn’t fancy but I can certainly imagine men using it as negging material. The fact that poor OP seems to have put a lot of time and care into ensuring he was a good bloke, and it still wound up here, is pretty shocking.

i was rereading this thread and I don't agree with the following, I still think it's an arsehole move... BUT... and I mean this gently, could it be that the stress with your mother, uncertainty with work and everything else meant that you have put on more weight since he first saw you?

And so what if she did ?

So... update. He's written to say how cross he is that I don't want to talk to him anymore. He never wanted that. He thinks it's really aggressive of me and unkind. He said my being 'mean' to him is worse than threatening to not talk to him again.

He said that I'm pretty, funny, intelligent kind, I can speak well, write well, I'm good with other people... I was the best sex he's had... blah blah blah... a big list of things that he needs to feel 'desire'. He didn't say I was fat again, but he said that being attracted to someone isn't a button he can switch on and off and that it took him a long time to be honest with himself and that desire is a 'yo-yo'.

He said that he accepted it when women in the past haven't been attracted to him. Yeah, but I bet they didn't say it to you so explicitly. After six months. Whatis he even talking about?

I haven't changed in the last six months. In fact, I've lost weight. I'm big. I am. But he always knew it.

He said he secretly imagined me moving to a house near him, us going to each other's houses all the time, the neighbours thinking we were together, he'd have no problem with that. Errr... so, I'm supposed to sell up... move nextdoor to you, for the neighbours to think we're together... but not actually be together because I only fit into 11 of your 12 magical boxes of desire?

He says he will remove my number from his contacts because I clearly don't want anything from him and that he can't face being told anymore how I don't want to talk to him and that I shouldn't imagine that he's not hurting.

He said he always made it clear that he didn't want to be "in a couple". He didn't. he said he didn't know what he wanted for the moment and that he wanted to see where things went... and then wrote to me for hours a fucking day and said how glad he was that I was in his life.

So, it's just more bullshit. He said he refuses to accept that he's been cruel. he won't have it. He said maybe, at worst, he was tactless.

So, I think both of us want the last word. And I'm secretly hoping he'll say it was all a big mistake and he didn't know what he was saying and that he's deeply in love with me. But I'm also cross with myself for still hoping all that. It's ridiculous. I need to let him have the last word if he wants it and not reply.

God, I'm upset about this. What a big waste of sodding time. What an idiot he is. I can't imagine him being the abusive type, but I think he's got issues. I can't quite work it out, but I need desperately to get a sodding grip on this one. I really do. It's just that all that hope and excitement was for nothing. I can't go back to the drawing board. I will focus on myself. I feel like such a fucking loser. I really do. The thing is, I know I'm not "normal". I'm not for everyone. I'm quite eccentric and political and outspoken and a bit "too much" maybe. I have a sperm-donor child and ten cats. I know a lot of people won't like me. My very poorly mum lives with me. I'm always really busy. Nobody is going to put up with all this shit.

God, just look at how much I've rabbited on. I'm sorry. I feel ridiculous. It will take me a few weeks, but I'm going to get a grip.