Girl asking for second date?

[fe05ome]

I had a good first date this week!! I was pleasantly surprised.
He took me to a rooftop bar, then we grabbed food and then went to one more bar before I headed home.

He was so lovely, we actually laughed a lot throughout and he was very kind (insisted he paid, waited for my train with me, bought me a bottle of coke for my journey haha).

He mentioned that he might be down near my way again next week if I wanted to do something, but nothing concrete was planned. He also asked if I’d had a good evening, I said yes and asked him, and he said it in a tone of like “yeah?! Absolutely”. Had a few good old smooches at the end too haha!

I texted him after saying i had a really nice evening, and he said he was glad and felt the same.

This was on Tuesday and we’ve been texting a bit since. Problem is he is quite dry and blunt on text, but surely him texting is a good sign. He’s not very flirty on text. Nothing has been said about meeting again yet.

Do men like it if the girl initiates the next date? I want to just say I’d like to see him again and let’s arrange the next one, but I feel like if he hasn’t done it it might not be interested?

And other people have met decent partners in other ways. There's no 'definitive' way, except 'date people you like dating, and keep doing it until you keep being happy with the same person'.

Why does you having more dates than me before meeting a successful match mean your advice is better? Surely your method was less efficient than mine? 'I've had a billion dates so I'm really good at dating' doesn't make sense. Someone really good at dating would meet someone compatible really quickly, wouldn't they? All you've done is prove that you dated lots of non-starters. That's really not a win!

@forgotoldusername

Good to know you're wealthy, and that your partner is too. Totally relevant.

@Watchkeys having lots of dates means that I have experience. Yes I hadn't really perfected the art of screening online but in person I was ruthless

And the fact you didn't answer means you didn't find anyone. So if we're objective driven I achieved the objective I set out to achieve and you didn't so I feel my advice has more weight than yours.

So, you haven’t met all men, then? Which is what was asked.

I had a really good time and then met my husband through OLD. We are both ‘high value’, according to pretty much any metric. Considerably too high value to subscribe to FDS or any other ‘dating strategy’.

And I think that OP should message him if she wants to. For the reasons that have already been detailed by others on this thread.

So, by that logic, as your partner is ‘going to propose soon’ and I’m already married, does that mean my advice has more weight than yours? As I’ve fully ‘achieved the objective’?

@tsort of course I haven't met all men in the world but I've met enough to know that it's very unlikely that he didn't ask because he's shy. Hey OP can do what she wants, she asked for our advice based on our personal experiences and that's what I'm giving her. Other people just come on and give advice but have very little to no experience of online dating. That's the truth

Just go for it OP.
I went on a date wih just one guy from OLD and it was really fun. He was funny and warm and kind. He wasnt my type straight away but now I think he's gorgeous.
After our first date we were chatting by text and he mentioned having the january blues, I told him he needed something to look forward to and that he should ask me out again. He laughed and did and now we are almost 3 years in !
Im 48 now, and I feel so lucky to have met him without having to go on " a billion dates " We arent " wealthy " though....🙄
Just go for it

I have experience OLD and I disagree with you. As I’ve said.

If you’re going to question the validity of other people’s advice, you can’t be surprised when the favour is returned. That’s the truth.

I met my husband through an introduction agency (not online, that wasn't a thing then). I met 13 men in all. I tell you that if they are interested they will ask you. One time I had a lovely date, we said we'd like to meet again ... then nothing. So I asked him if he wanted to meet up on the weekend. His reply was vague and first 'I'm kind of busy so I'll let you know'. Forget it. Ask if you want but be prepared for a brush off.

And I'll be the weird exception to the generalization in that I have never actually asked a woman out on a first date and the three long term relationships I have had in my life, she was the one who asked for the second date. I met my wife of now ten years through online dating and according to her, I was the first man she had ever taken the initiative to ask out first.

So from my lived experience, it would not strike me as odd or turn me off at all if the a woman was doing the pursuing.

So you ended up with the woman who you asked out. She ended up with the man who asked her out? I take it she'd asked guys out before, but didn't end up with any of them?

@bingbummy I've read this three times and I still don’t understand what it means!

So you ended up with the woman who you asked out. She ended up with the man who asked her out?

@samyeagar and why didn't you ask her first? I mean clearly there's someone for everyone but your post comes across as you're a very low effort/low energy man who can't write in plain English. Well good for you that your wife asked you out as really I don't think many others would have

That was a rather harsh and disparaging response to what I though was a pretty innocuous post on my part. I am genuinely curious what I missed or said to deserve that?

Not sure how this is unclear...

"according to her, I was the first man she had ever taken the initiative to ask out first."

I'll try and rephrase...

She had never asked a man out on a first date before
Or she had never been the one to ask for a first date before?

@samyeagar yes honestly I don't think we would get along in real life. What prevented you from asking her out? Laziness? As I said to me it smacks of low energy but I am quite sure if we matched online I would have noticed and unmatched quite quickly. Nothing personal but the way you said it really doesn't portray you in a positive light as a confident man

@forgotoldusername

And the fact you didn't answer means you didn't find anyone

No. I deliberately didn't answer, because I wanted to prompt you to say exactly that. Very predictable. You make unfounded assumptions. That's my point.

My partner and I have been looking at wedding rings this afternoon.

Stop assuming that your advice is best due to the fact that you 'know stuff'. You don't know everything, and sometimes, other people have different experiences from yours. Nobody is saying you're wrong, but you do need to accept that you're only one of the versions of 'right'.

Yes I hadn't really perfected the art of screening online but in person I was ruthless

Haha! You really think you're something, don't you! If you were that ruthless, you wouldn't have had such a lot of dates. Your logic is failing you here.

@forgotoldusername I don’t know where you get off insulting @samyeagar’s writing. Have you actually read your own posts? Your grasp of basic grammar and punctuation is extremely poor. This isn’t something on which I’d generally comment, but you can’t write like that and then criticise anyone else!

Agreed, quite likely we wouldn't. I generally don't presume the worst in people.

In the case of my wife asking first, it was simply a matter of how we had our searches set up. She was searching in a larger radius from her location than I was, so she saw my profile, while I did not see hers. She reached out first obviously. We talked for a couple of days through text and phone when she asked to meet in person for a date and I agreed. She lived a two hour drive away, and I drove my lazy ass all the way there. Was originally supposed to be for coffee, and it ended up being coffee, a walk, dinner and a movie. I had to work the next day, so left around midnight to head home. I hadn't even made it home before she called and said she wanted to see me again. If she had not asked first, I absolutely would have because I found her extremely engaging and enjoyable to be around.

That said, I am not sure how long I would have waited or how I would have done or even what I would have suggested because I am very well aware of the pitfalls and dangers women face in online dating. Even before our date ended, I knew I wanted to see her again, but did not want to inadvertently scare her off as it were. I suppose some could see it as laziness or disinterest, but the way I saw it was letting her set the pace in a way that she found comfortable for her.

@samyeagar she asked you out TWICE? wow it wouldn't have worked for me but thanks for answering so calmly and sorry if I sounded aggressive. We are all very different and what works for one doesn't work for another. I waited to be asked (my partner still asks me out and we've been together for 10 months and I like that he takes care of booking restaurants, trips etc). I honestly think you're in a minority and OP will be fobbed off by this guy, but I might be wrong

Well this thread took a turn..

Ignoring the recent weirdness...

I'd just ask him, at least you will know one way or another. But then I can't be arsed wasting my time these days

She did, yes. At the time I assumed she was being honest in that she had never taken the initiative to ask out first before, and in the ten years since, I have no reason to doubt that.

What that showed me was that she was not just willing, but also able to step outside her own comfort zone to pursue something she wanted. It also showed me that she was not putting me into a box of what is stereotypically expected of men. That any expectations she had of me, she was willing to take on herself. An actual partnership.

@samyeagar I appreciate that. My exh was quite a weak man so I wanted the full stereotype confident/successful man (my exh was also successful at work but then he had a mid life crisis, I wanted a man with no self doubts). But I appreciate people are different

An actual partnership

This is so important in a healthy relationship. Not these 'Will he ask me first?' tests. A measure of a person isn't 'How good are they at asking for a date?', it's how you get on, how you communicate, how you feel around them. 'Who says it first' is very high-school. Spending time with someone should clearly tell you whether you fit. If you're having to wonder and worry about who's asking for a date and how long they're leaving it, things have already gone wrong.