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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not committed to this is he?

85 replies

whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 07:52

Brief overview: just over 7 years together and young DC. Lots of issues going on, we desperately need some form of counselling to help us.

He has recently admitted to being in contact with another woman when our DC was a baby (flirting via message and "thought about" sleeping with her). We were having a lot of arguments and the relationship was under strain at that time due to new baby. This is his excuse for trying to sleep with someone else.

Trying to move past this, I've said let's try counselling. I've asked him to take the initiative to set up the first session. This was weeks ago and he has not yet done this. He has however temporarily moved out. We also had an opportunity recently at the weekend to have our first counselling session and instead, he went out with his mates and got absolutely streaming drunk to the point he couldn't stand up or form a sentence when he got home. He prioritised this over sorting a counselling session.

I've raised the issue of counselling again today and he claims "he hasn't had a chance yet" to sort it. It's literally an email to the counsellor on her website. It would have taken me a matter of minutes (but I'm not prepared to be the one who sorts this as I want some kind of effort from him).

He told me last night he does still want the family in his heart. Right so.... why the total lack of effort then?

Any advice? I can't let this go on, can I? How do I play this?

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:04

Anyone?

OP posts:
DosCervezas · 05/10/2022 08:10

What are your hopes from counseling? Looks like you're more concerned about saving the relationship than he is right now. Counseling won't make him change. It's going to be a tough one to fix as he isn't doing much to address the resentment and anger you rightly feel. Are you sure you see or want a future with him.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 05/10/2022 08:10

I'm really sorry but you are wasting your time with this one. He sounds very immature and not committed at all. There's only a point to counselling if both of you are equally committed. He clearly isn't. What are your options now?

Newusernameaug · 05/10/2022 08:13

His heart clearly isn’t in it. You were right to let him make the appointment and he didn’t - so he’s failed that test - but what now?
what DO YOU want? You can’t change him, so given the facts and situation you now will have to make a decision.

sorry he’s clearly a jerk

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2022 08:17

Start planning your life without him. Claim cms. Organise contact arrangements.

That will probably make him step up and book the appointment. For me that would be too little too late. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who cared so little for me.

Im sorry OP.

Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:21

I just wanted to give our family a chance, I suppose. I was hoping counselling would make him realise the pain he has caused and make him sorry enough to change. But if he can't even be arsed to make the appointment, it's a non starter isn't it.

OP posts:
Hardheadedwoman39 · 05/10/2022 08:25

I have been in exactly the same position and still am in many ways.
Ultimately if you want to go to counselling just book it and crack on.
I think we can all end up taking a position and not budging which ultimately doesn't help things x

Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:26

@Hardheadedwoman39

I could easily book it myself. I was just wanting a demonstration of effort and commitment to change from him. Otherwise what's the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:30

He also keeps saying "I want to go to counselling but what if nothing changes?" His whole attitude is that he's basically willing it to fail before it's even been tried, so he can't be bothered to try.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2022 08:32

No, he is not committed to this and besides which you cannot save a relationship on your own.

I would part ways asap along with claiming CMS from him. What is your situation re the finances and property?.

pisspants · 05/10/2022 08:32

I'm very sorry op. it is heartbreaking and I've been there. Ultimately you can't force someone to be committed and responsible and it sounds like he's had plenty of opportunities to turn things around.
I don't think this is long term salveagable as it sounds like he is unlikely.to change and if you accepted him like that you'd (rightly be) sad and resentful.

DosCervezas · 05/10/2022 08:34

Is there a level of emotional maturity from him? Do you think he's ready to become a family man?
I don't know how old he is, but it sounds like he might not have realised yet that now is the time to grow up if his family is something he wants to be part of.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/10/2022 08:37

He’s willing it to fail because he does t want to be a grown up, married father with responsibilities and a committed relationship.

When you want something you do anything to preserve it. He is doing the opposite, and being selfish and, frankly, pathetic.

Saying he wants it ‘in his heart’ means he doesn’t want it in reality.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/10/2022 08:37

*doesn’t want

Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:38

DosCervezas · 05/10/2022 08:34

Is there a level of emotional maturity from him? Do you think he's ready to become a family man?
I don't know how old he is, but it sounds like he might not have realised yet that now is the time to grow up if his family is something he wants to be part of.

He's 39

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/10/2022 08:39

Plus it’s more than that - he has betrayed you and is showing zero remorse or commitment to healing your trust.

Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:39

He's not great on the emotional maturity side of things if I'm honest. He's doesn't deal well with emotions of any type - his own or others'

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:39

@AtrociousCircumstance

Precisely. That hurts more than the original betrayal if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Ruth0505 · 05/10/2022 08:40

I have been in a similar position with a young child in the situation also. At the time, I was desperate for things to work so over analysed every situation, desperate to see any sort of demonstration of effort on his part etc etc. and made many excuses on his behalf.

To cut a very long saga short, we are still together and actually now better than ever. BUT often, when I have any time to myself to think, I get so annoyed at past me and the way I handled the situation at the time initially- you need to take a tougher approach- "If he wanted to, he would" is the best peace of advice I can offer you here. Take a harder line. Why would he take any steps when he doesn't have to and is still able to act however he likes, still coming home to his family?

For me, I got totally fed up of waiting for effort and only when I completely ended it was it enough for him to realise I wasn't kidding. Good luck and don't forget your self worth please Flowers

DoingJustFine · 05/10/2022 08:40

I was hoping counselling would make him realise the pain he has caused and make him sorry enough to change.

He predicts a massive telling-off session, where two women gang up to make him feel like the worst person on earth.

Look - you can't control his behaviour at ALL but you can control your own, and how you react. He's shown himself several times now to prefer life outside your relationship. Is that the type of man you want? It's probably not.

Please start moving on with your own life. There's a wonderful life for you and the children after this wanna-bachelor is out of your hair.

imsureineverdo · 05/10/2022 08:41

Counselling only works if he wants to change. He's telling you it's not a priority. Sorry OP.

Annabananna1 · 05/10/2022 08:44

What's the point though.

Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:48

Annabananna1 · 05/10/2022 08:44

What's the point though.

To attempt to make things better and save the family we created?

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 08:51

@DoingJustFine

How do I move on with my life when I still love the father of my child and I'm surrounded by the memories of the home we created, and he's still coming in and out of our former family home to collect DC and spend time with them...?

Genuine question... I don't know how to do this because my heart hurts when I see him, I just long for the man he used to be who would have put his arms around me and made the pain go away.

Where do I start with moving on?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2022 08:54

"To attempt to make things better and save the family we created?"

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; the past is done and dusted.
He has to be committed as well and he simply is not. He is not bothered about this relationship and this is who he really is.