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Original poster

He's not committed to this is he?

85 replies

whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 07:52

Brief overview: just over 7 years together and young DC. Lots of issues going on, we desperately need some form of counselling to help us.

He has recently admitted to being in contact with another woman when our DC was a baby (flirting via message and "thought about" sleeping with her). We were having a lot of arguments and the relationship was under strain at that time due to new baby. This is his excuse for trying to sleep with someone else.

Trying to move past this, I've said let's try counselling. I've asked him to take the initiative to set up the first session. This was weeks ago and he has not yet done this. He has however temporarily moved out. We also had an opportunity recently at the weekend to have our first counselling session and instead, he went out with his mates and got absolutely streaming drunk to the point he couldn't stand up or form a sentence when he got home. He prioritised this over sorting a counselling session.

I've raised the issue of counselling again today and he claims "he hasn't had a chance yet" to sort it. It's literally an email to the counsellor on her website. It would have taken me a matter of minutes (but I'm not prepared to be the one who sorts this as I want some kind of effort from him).

He told me last night he does still want the family in his heart. Right so.... why the total lack of effort then?

Any advice? I can't let this go on, can I? How do I play this?

OP posts:
ILoveYoga · 05/10/2022 11:22

Sadly, yes. You’re right. He’s not committed. I’d suggest counselling yourself to help you through this process of separating. It can be very useful.

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 11:32

whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 10:14

@Watchkeys

Yes of course I've asked what he wants. The reply is always the same "I do want the family back but I just don't think it's going to be the same ever again". It's the same defeatist comments every time. Whereas I'm saying "well let's give it a try? We don't know at this point? It could help?" And he's all "hmmmm I don't know if it will...."

That's what I get every time I ask him.

To be honest, it's hard to see why you're confused. He's communicating so clearly that he's not interested in counselling and that he wishes your problems could be solved but he's sure they can't.

I think you need to look to yourself. Rather than trying to get him to understand what he did wrong and what he stands to lose, look at why you keep banging your head against the same brick wall. What makes you so desperate to be with someone who won't take responsibility for his actions or for his part in the relationship? What makes you so desperate to try and try with someone who won't even try a little bit? Why are you wasting your time, and refusing to see the obvious?

Toomanysleepycats · 05/10/2022 11:44

Because you say you want to do all you can I would suggest you now book the counsellor. You have proved to yourself that he can’t even be arsed to make an appointment, but if you want further proof of his lack of commitment(so if you do leave you know you tried).

If he doesn’t go, or won’t engage then you will know you are flogging a dead horse. I agree with other posters that at the moment he is just carrying on as normal as it’s a way for him to live his life as he wants.

Alternative, seek therapy for yourself. Either as an alternative or subsequently I’
if relationship counselling fails.

My therapy has allowed me to move on without any doubts.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/10/2022 12:02

whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 10:14

@Watchkeys

Yes of course I've asked what he wants. The reply is always the same "I do want the family back but I just don't think it's going to be the same ever again". It's the same defeatist comments every time. Whereas I'm saying "well let's give it a try? We don't know at this point? It could help?" And he's all "hmmmm I don't know if it will...."

That's what I get every time I ask him.

He's doing the bare minimum to keep you off his back. He's being lazy and non-committal, so he can then blame you for nagging and pushing him away if he leaves/gets someone else/goes to someone else he already has.

DoingJustFine · 05/10/2022 12:14

The answers you need are all in your post. Look:

How do I move on with my life when I still love the father of my child and I'm surrounded by the memories of the home we created, and he's still coming in and out of our former family home to collect DC and spend time with them...?

The love will fade by itself when you let go of the HOPE that the relationship will somehow get fixed. In the meantime, take some action by collecting up all the most painful memory items (photos, gifts, his clothes, his DVDs, etc) and clearing them out. Ideally out of the house, or just out of your everyday view.

Then stop being there when he collects the kids. Set a strict schedule, disallow him to "pop in", and start avoiding him when he collects of drops off. Get a friend/relative to handle the drop offs, at least for a week or so. Every time you see him or hear his voice, it restarts all the longing. All the hope.

Set a schedule and say it'll be easier for the DC if you all know when he'll be coming to get them. Don't let him see them in your house. Fuck that. He shagged someone and left - he doesn't get to hang round the family house anymore.

my heart hurts when I see him

Exactly! Start avoiding seeing him.

I just long for the man he used to be who would have put his arms around me and made the pain go away

Sadly, that man shagged someone else and left. He's dead. You need to accept the man he is TODAY. You won't be nearly as keen on that man. He'll be much much much easier to move on from.

Where do I start with moving on?

I'd write a list of everything he ever did that disrespected, hurt or upset me. Go right back to the start and list ALL THE SHIT. That'll help.

DoingJustFine · 05/10/2022 12:16

I'm hoping that talking in counselling with a third party to facilitate will help him to reflect on the hurt he's caused me and make him realise what he stands to lose. I guess.

Your filing for divorce would do this equally well, and faster, and you won't need him to book anything.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 12:19

I'm sorry to say that I think he's seeing another woman, and that's the reaso

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 12:19

Sorry...

...reason he moved out of the home.

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 12:22

No need to obsess over a boyfriend, he’s shown you very clearly he’s not interested. Believe him. You’re not dependent on him for housing or anything are you?

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 12:23

@DoingJustFine think he’s just a boyfriend, OP never mentioned a husband.

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 12:26

-tried to cheat (likely has cheated before rather than this being a one off)
-refused counselling
-moved out

I mean…..he’s dumped you. That’s obvious, surely? If a boyfriend is openly not interested in you and moves out?

MissMaple82 · 05/10/2022 12:50

Counselling isn't for everyone, I've avoided counselling all my life! If you push him too much, you'll just push into the arms of another again. He clearly doesn't want counselling! The decision now is yours wether you continue or not with the relationship knowing what you know

MissMaple82 · 05/10/2022 12:52

whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 10:17

I'm hoping that talking in counselling with a third party to facilitate will help him to reflect on the hurt he's caused me and make him realise what he stands to lose. I guess.

Yes I'm fully prepared that he might have complaints too. The thing is - when I have complaints I try to talk to him about them, I open a dialogue with him. He doesn't. He appears to bottle it all up and then look for someone else to sleep with. Hardly fair. How can I put right or work on what he won't discuss with me? So I'm hoping counselling will help him open up about anything thats bothered him about the relationship, too.

Show quote history

It won't make him realise shit! Thars just you clutching on to straws

MissMaple82 · 05/10/2022 12:54

whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 09:33

He isn't refusing counselling. He is saying he is willing to engage with it. However he has got a very negative attitude towards it and not making any active efforts to arrange a session, which was what I asked him to do as a way of demonstrating his commitment to fixing the problems. Given that he is the one who has betrayed my trust and not the other way around.

So when I open a conversation with him about it, he replies with "yes I want to do it". But there's no follow through with his actions.

That's where we are at.

So where do I go from here? Any advice?

It's called 'lip service' he doesn't want counselling, I can almost guarantee you that.

monkeyupsidedown · 05/10/2022 13:14

If you take away all of what he said and purely look at his behaviour, what do you see? Write that down, I think that that might make the situation clearer.

Wallywobbles · 05/10/2022 13:18

How about going to counseling for a smooth separation. I think this horse is dead.

itsnotdeep · 05/10/2022 13:29

I think when he says he wants it all back, is that he means he wants the relationship he used to have with you before kids. and it is never going to be the same again because you have a family. Which he doesn't appear to accept - hence wanting you to go out on dates with him and pretend it's all ok.

If I were you, I would make a counselling appointment - he isn't going to - and see how it goes then. At the very least it will help you see whether you need to end things. (He is never going to - he wants you to).

And fwiw, you will move on if you have to. Lots of people do! Mourning the man you once knew is common, but you can't continue a relationship on that basis.

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 13:46

He's moved out. No need for OP to decide anything.

Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 14:04

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 12:22

No need to obsess over a boyfriend, he’s shown you very clearly he’s not interested. Believe him. You’re not dependent on him for housing or anything are you?

We've been together for just over 7 years, living together for most of that. We also have DC together. The fact that we aren't married is neither here nor there - to me he is more than a "boyfriend".

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 14:04

No I'm not dependent on him at all

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 14:05

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 12:19

I'm sorry to say that I think he's seeing another woman, and that's the reaso

😔

He flatly denies this, but I've thought this too.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfuckisgoingon · 05/10/2022 14:06

DoingJustFine · 05/10/2022 12:14

The answers you need are all in your post. Look:

How do I move on with my life when I still love the father of my child and I'm surrounded by the memories of the home we created, and he's still coming in and out of our former family home to collect DC and spend time with them...?

The love will fade by itself when you let go of the HOPE that the relationship will somehow get fixed. In the meantime, take some action by collecting up all the most painful memory items (photos, gifts, his clothes, his DVDs, etc) and clearing them out. Ideally out of the house, or just out of your everyday view.

Then stop being there when he collects the kids. Set a strict schedule, disallow him to "pop in", and start avoiding him when he collects of drops off. Get a friend/relative to handle the drop offs, at least for a week or so. Every time you see him or hear his voice, it restarts all the longing. All the hope.

Set a schedule and say it'll be easier for the DC if you all know when he'll be coming to get them. Don't let him see them in your house. Fuck that. He shagged someone and left - he doesn't get to hang round the family house anymore.

my heart hurts when I see him

Exactly! Start avoiding seeing him.

I just long for the man he used to be who would have put his arms around me and made the pain go away

Sadly, that man shagged someone else and left. He's dead. You need to accept the man he is TODAY. You won't be nearly as keen on that man. He'll be much much much easier to move on from.

Where do I start with moving on?

I'd write a list of everything he ever did that disrespected, hurt or upset me. Go right back to the start and list ALL THE SHIT. That'll help.

This is very helpful. Thank you

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 14:07

to me he is more than a "boyfriend

And yet he represents little of what you want in an ideal partner, does he?

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 14:09

You’ve been legally single this whole time, anyway. He’s an ex boyfriend-him moving out is a big clue there.

DoingJustFine · 05/10/2022 14:12

The fact that we aren't married is neither here nor there - to me he is more than a "boyfriend".

Look again at the title of your thread.