He's not committed to this is he?

[whattheactualfuckisgoingon]

Brief overview: just over 7 years together and young DC. Lots of issues going on, we desperately need some form of counselling to help us.

He has recently admitted to being in contact with another woman when our DC was a baby (flirting via message and "thought about" sleeping with her). We were having a lot of arguments and the relationship was under strain at that time due to new baby. This is his excuse for trying to sleep with someone else.

Trying to move past this, I've said let's try counselling. I've asked him to take the initiative to set up the first session. This was weeks ago and he has not yet done this. He has however temporarily moved out. We also had an opportunity recently at the weekend to have our first counselling session and instead, he went out with his mates and got absolutely streaming drunk to the point he couldn't stand up or form a sentence when he got home. He prioritised this over sorting a counselling session.

I've raised the issue of counselling again today and he claims "he hasn't had a chance yet" to sort it. It's literally an email to the counsellor on her website. It would have taken me a matter of minutes (but I'm not prepared to be the one who sorts this as I want some kind of effort from him).

He told me last night he does still want the family in his heart. Right so.... why the total lack of effort then?

Any advice? I can't let this go on, can I? How do I play this?

Anyway, enjoy life. Set up a proper contact schedule for your kids, don’t allow him in your house for his parenting time. If he whines, inform him it’s confusing for the kids and he needs to parent them elsewhere in his time.

I wonder if it's always been you moving this relationship forward. Was moving in together your idea first? Was having kids mainly your idea too?

Men like this are a headache. It's like rolling a boulder up a steep hill. The relief you feel when you let go and just let the big bastard roll away is LIBERATING.

I would book the counselling session myself in this case.

Sorry to put this so bluntly OP but you cannot polish a turd! He is not even making the basic effort to placate you and moved out rather than actually salvage this relationship. You will have so much more energy and joy when you stop trying to carry this dead weight and waste of space!

If I wanted my DH back, in this case, I would go out for a meal with him and I would keep it lighthearted to start with and see if it led to some great passion after.

Then when he is back with me, I would approach the matter carefully but surely in a positive respectful way.

Every type of personality is different with its own strengths and weaknesses.

Some introverted types of people can be like that - avoiding rather than actively solving a problem.

Like @Grumpusaurus says, he’s not even trying to placate you.

Unfortunately, this speaks volumes and you must know this deep down.

My advice would be to back right off, hold your head up high and let him go.

Set up strong boundaries regarding DC visits. I.e. So that you don’t see him at all.

Who knows, given time, he might want to come back to you, by which time it will be too late for you, because you will have seen him for who he really is.

To be honest, the fact he moved out temporarily and left you deal with all the day to day stuff that comes with having a child, on top of all the other stuff, just popping in and out to suit himself, that would be it for me. Added to all the other stuff it's shitty behaviour.

To me, it screams that he is trying to force it to a point where you end it because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. You've already said he avoids emotions so he is unlikely to sit down and be honest and end it himself. He wants you to make that decision so he doesn't have to. His inaction and lack of real vocal enthusiasm to resolve this speaks volumes.

I'd just crack on and leave him to it.

Get counselling for yourself and focus on you.

I'm sorry though, I know how incredibly tough it is 💐

How are you getting on, OP?

Had this with my ex. It’s a case of wanting his cake and eating it. He wants a family but also a single lads drinking night and being available on the dating circuit. Draw a line under it and grieve, then move on. Otherwise you’ll be part of game playing nonsense that will break your heart again and again.