Ex husband's bitterness towards having to pay maintenance

[Autumnnights2022]

Long story short - married a long time. Husband had an affair and got OW pregnant within 3 months of knowing her. Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.
He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires. We have two kids together.
Move forward 6 years (since we divorced) and he continues to be an utter arse about money, however, he does this via our children as he and I have no contact. He's forever telling our now adult kids that 'he's skint' (then OW posts photos of them on yet another holiday abroad) and yesterday, he told our daughter that the birthday money he promised for her birthday 10 days ago ' would be late, as I have to pay your mum money... so I'll have to ask work for an advance'. Note that 3 weeks ago he had enough money for a deposit on a 4-bed house.
I just don't get it. He used to be the kindest and most generous bloke who loved his kids dearly (he now has two more tiny kids and an extended family in the Philippines).

To add to confusion, ex-husbands job was abroad, hence why I missed out on many, many years of following my own career, despite working full time when we were aboard but on a much lower salary and not in my dream job as there wasn't the option for that due to language barriers and visas.

Well, those who are telling me to read the thread. GUess what? I did.

Here is what @Autumnnights2022 says about her ability to work & progress. Look at what she gave up for her exH and family. This needs recognising.

He is so bitter, he lost me! CBA

She got more than half the assets as you would expect. But it was money well spent to be rid of her I think! 😂

You need to tell the difference between bitter and matter of fact. I don't feel the need to wrap the facts that my ex-wife is lazy, a bit of a sponger and drew the divorce process out longer than it needs to be in some kind of mushy politeness. But I'm generally quite happy with my life because I'm no longer under her control.

And with interest rates going up now, once she can't get any more child maintenance she'll probably get repossessed, then she'll get enough money back from a fire sale on her house to lose her universal credit and then she'll end up with nothing. People always get what they deserve in the end.

And you’re happy for your children’s mother to be homeless and destitute?

Yeah, I don't have any issue with that at all. We're divorced and she isn't my problem anymore, besides which I'm sure she can rent. Plus it'll only happen when the children are adults and the maintenance stops.

Of course, it will also only happen if she doesn't take personal responsibility now and make a serious attempt to maximise her earning capacity. If she does she will be fine. I just don't see myself as having a role to play as her guarantor to a comfy life, sorry.

I think spousal maintenance should be long gone, as most women (and men) should be capable of maintaining themselves and paying their own bills.

Yay I also think that men should actually take in half if the parenting and running if the house.
Because if women are to be held to the same standards re work, then men should be held to the same standard re parenting, looking after their own dcs etc….

Instead we have women still doing 90% of the work, expected to support their DH working (as in work is organised under the assumption there is a woman at home to deal with the children) etc…. AND they now also need to be working and be financially independent like men are.
Oh btw as a woman you are still getting beaten up if you go back to work out your child at nursery/CM because you are then delegating parenting to someone else….

Until that has changed, I don’t see why SM should be gone. If anything, it should be more widespread. It might make men think twice before expecting their wife to go PT/stop work so they can carry on with their working life like if they were single.

Yay I also think that men should actually take in half if the parenting and running if the house.
Because if women are to be held to the same standards re work, then men should be held to the same standard re parenting, looking after their own dcs etc….
Instead we have women still doing 90% of the work, expected to support their DH working (as in work is organised under the assumption there is a woman at home to deal with the children) etc…. AND they now also need to be working and be financially independent like men are.

Exactly, @AsterixInEngland

There are some embittered exH's on this thread, I'll say!

I'm a bit unsure of the idea that not working and looking after children is seen as this huge sacrifice. I'm pregnant at the moment, I can't wait to be off work for a year with a baby while my partner works and supports us. After that, I'll be back in work full time. Will my career suffer? No. Am I taking maternity leave because he expects me to? No. I'm taking it because it's a sweet deal and I'd love to spend that time with my baby.

It's a bit rogue afterwards to say that you deserve ongoing payments from an ex husband in perpetuity after he's already been supporting you to live a sweet life, as though anyone forced you to stay home and keep small humans alive.

The whole idea that "I sacrificed X so he could do Y" seems disingenuous. You sacrificed X because you weren't that bothered about your career and fancied the life of riley, surely? Does anyone sacrifice their career through gritted teeth? If so, why not work then? In reality, no woman needs to take more than a month of maternity leave if they really don't want to. Unless there's ongoing medical issues obviously.

you certainly don’t give the impression you’re happy! And indeed on another recent thread you said that you can’t stand the country and counting down days until you can leave. But hey… in RL I bet you are a sunny cheerful completely not bitter man!

@NalaNana

I'm a bit unsure of the idea that not working and looking after children is seen as this huge sacrifice.

oh don’t get me wrong. I loved my time as a SAHM.

the point is…. It very very negatively stopped my career in its tracks and therefore my financial situation post divorce. Hence SM

The whole idea that "I sacrificed X so he could do Y" seems disingenuous.

thankfully my ex and his lawyer thought differently

*oh don’t get me wrong. I loved my time as a SAHM.

the point is…. It very very negatively stopped my career in its tracks and therefore my financial situation post divorce. Hence SM*

was it your choice though?

i don’t know many men that expect their wives to go PT or become SAHM, let alone force them to. It tends to be the woman’s choice, often based on “my wages don’t cover nursery fees”, with no thought to it being a joint cost, pensions, career progression etc.

i agree nothing will change until men step up, workplace is more equal etc. however I do think there’s an element of chicken and egg. When women give up work they automatically take in the burden of wifework and men don’t step up because they then don’t have to. Workplaces take it for granted that men won’t be taking child related time off -the amount of times dh got asked “can’t your wife do it” when he left early for the nursery run. No one ever asked me that.

in a divorce as well women will get main residence nearly every time. Many women don’t want their dh to reduce working hours as in the case of a split they want to be primary parent and retain residency.

there are many reasons men won’t go flexitime or PT and share childcare. Women need to be better at financial planning if they do think about reducing their working hours- pension, savings etc.

My ex and I were in complete agreement. We were in London, no nursery was open for the hours we needed, plus he had grown up with a sahm (as had I) and wanted that for his child.

we both loved our careers too

My ex and I were in complete agreement. We were in London, no nursery was open for the hours we needed, plus he had grown up with a sahm (as had I) and wanted that for his child

why not both of you go PT then if you both love your careers and want a parent at home?

why only you giving up your career?

There's plenty of people using childminders in London in fact up and down the Country. I don't think comparing what your exes mother did should have bearing on your own choices. You do you.

The whole idea that "I sacrificed X so he could do Y" seems disingenuous. You sacrificed X because you weren't that bothered about your career and fancied the life of riley, surely? Does anyone sacrifice their career through gritted teeth? If so, why not work then? In reality, no woman needs to take more than a month of maternity leave if they really don't want to. Unless there's ongoing medical issues obviously.

Have you actually read @Autumnnights2022 's posts, @NalaNana ? Her situation and yours are diametrically different.

Most women who have children take a hit on their career that they can sometimes recover once the children are in their teens. Sometimes it's impossible to make up lost ground.

I hope it works for you, but I'm not holding my breath.

What kind of pathetic individual can't meet their own needs in this day and age?

Well, @BetterFuture1985 although I'm hesitant to give a sexist bastard the oxygen of an answer to this question, AIBU and Relationships is littered wth accounts of men who seem incapable of:
doing their laundry
feeding themselves (and their family)
cleaning their home
caring for their DC
remembering their parents' birthdays
remembering their DC's birthdays
taking time out to take a poorly child to the doctor

And so on. Yes, I agree, what sort of pathetic individual can't care for himself and his DC in this day & age?

Part time in our jobs? 15 years ago? No chance!

Oh for sure, we could indeed but…. Neither of us fancied it for our child. I was very happy to do so. He said that given the choice he’d prefer not to. So it was a discussion that took all of 5 mins. I trusted him completely. Money was shared. And when we divorced - no argument against SM being reasonable.

Post divorce - I was able to return to my career due to the years studying for and achieving professional qualifications pre giving up work.

However at much less than my ex, and we were on pretty much the same when I gave up work

@BirdinaHedge yes I've read the post and I replied to it days ago, however the thread has moved on and I'm not discussing the OP's specific situation anymore.

What do you mean you hope it works out for me but you won't hold your breath? Hope what works out for me? And why in your view is it unlikely to work out? That's a very strange thing to say.

I don't see why it shouldn't work out as @NalaNana chooses. I had my daughter almost 25 years ago, took two months maternity leave and I think my career path remained the same throughout. I was overseas for her first six years, where SAHPs are virtually non existent, everyone works and nurseries run all year round.

How many children do you have?