Ex husband's bitterness towards having to pay maintenance

[Autumnnights2022]

Long story short - married a long time. Husband had an affair and got OW pregnant within 3 months of knowing her. Needless to say, he wanted to end the marriage. I did not.
He dragged me through the courts at eye watering costs and has been made to pay a percentage of his salary as maintenance until he retires. We have two kids together.
Move forward 6 years (since we divorced) and he continues to be an utter arse about money, however, he does this via our children as he and I have no contact. He's forever telling our now adult kids that 'he's skint' (then OW posts photos of them on yet another holiday abroad) and yesterday, he told our daughter that the birthday money he promised for her birthday 10 days ago ' would be late, as I have to pay your mum money... so I'll have to ask work for an advance'. Note that 3 weeks ago he had enough money for a deposit on a 4-bed house.
I just don't get it. He used to be the kindest and most generous bloke who loved his kids dearly (he now has two more tiny kids and an extended family in the Philippines).

The courts don’t want to award SM
Hence it being rare
so when it is awarded it is because an independent legal expert on family matters has viewed it as entirely appropriate and reasonable

He Max’s his pension contributions in order to “claw back “child maintenance”

child maintenance he is talking about in the other thread not spousal

he actually says he has increased his pension contribution from 10-30% in order to “claw back” CM from his ex

Yes he’s being a dick complaining to his DC and pretending not to have any money. There’s really nothing you can do about him being a dick though, so I’d try not to dwell on it. Your DC can decide what sort of relationship they want to have with their father, and if he continues being a dick, they may decide that they don’t want much to do with him.

It is unfair if him to winge to the children but as they are now adults they need to tell him not to really.

Have you told theh

Have you told the children that the reason he has to pay what is assessed as fair by the courts is because he's a very high earner and your career suffered as a result of living abroad. That you are sorry their father moans at them but if he his financial situation meant he couldn't afford it - he could actually apply to the court for a variation. So he must still be able to afford it.

That’s my attitude. I certainly don’t feel remotely sympathetic to him.

Goodness me, I don't earn enough to face a tax charge! All I do is adjust the figures so that she gets what she should be getting rather than an inflated amount on the basis of her lies. It was an easy solution to deal with someone deeply dishonest but badly represented to pile it all on to voluntary child maintenance and then pull the rug from under her at the first opportunity.

The problem is that there are people in this world who will lie and cheat so much that the rest of us are left wondering if they couldn't have more success putting the same amount of effort into honest work. And there's only one way to deal with people like that and it's to only live by the letter rather than the spirit of the law in return.

You say that but if she was the one who cheated it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference to the outcome. There are plenty of high income ex-spouses paying maintenance to cheats out there.

Because the justice system in this country thankfully doesn’t judge and penalise someone for falling in love with someone else whilst married, because how the heck do you know what they’d been enduring with their spouse.

says it all that you think all those who cheated should be penalised by the justice system

My wife was a serial cheat. Rather than "an" affair she had someone different fairly regularly. I never really found out everything that went on and I didn't really want to know. But suffice to say she was not the person I thought she was. She was also quite controlling so it took me a long time (I think it was maybe two years) before I had the courage to initiate a divorce against her. Took quite a lot of counselling to get to that point and sometimes I know I come across a bit hard but it was encouraged in the counselling to get out and stand up for myself.

My ex-wife was someone who wanted me for stability whilst having other men for fun, presumably. So she didn't take kindly to divorce at all and was very greedy in pursuing a settlement until even her own solicitor presumably explained how unlikely it was that she would get what she wanted!

Well, with all due respect, it's because the court doesn't want to be clogged up with finding out who cheated on who. However, if someone has a new partner, they really shouldn't have a case for maintenance anyway.

Claw back is a perfectly legitimate phrase in finance. I can't say I'm too bothered by your opinion, given you know naff all about my life.

I can definitely empathise with that. I divorced my wife because she cheated on me but I have to admit it is pretty awesome not having her around any more.

I hope she got sweet FA but I have my doubts as everything in this country is fkd up

I don't quite agree with that.
If someone has a partner, this doesn't automatically equate that all the finances are shared.

Plus it assumes that the woman (its always a woman) is now being 'looked after' by another man and therefore not the ex responsibility anymore. As if a woman needed someone to look after her and that was the pint of SM ... (It might have been in the past. I don't think that's the case anymore tbh)

SM isn't about the ex still looking after his exwife. To me, this is very much about the ex, who benefitted a lot from his wife staying at home, compensating her for the sacrifices she made (by stopping work, her carer, supporting him etc...). That compensation shouldt be linked to whether she is living with someone else or not.

He’s split from you, it’s long over and he needs to still pay for you. It’s the ultimate meal ticket.

It is not the effing "ultimate meal ticket" - he is paying (a measly amount) to support the children HE is the father of. Any man who groans about that is an arsehole.

Particularly as he went on to have another child. I'll bet he doesn't complain about paying for his mistress or her child.

*It is not the effing "ultimate meal ticket" - he is paying (a measly amount) to support the children HE is the father of. Any man who groans about that is an arsehole.

Particularly as he went on to have another child. I'll bet he doesn't complain about paying for his mistress or her child*

if you read the thread he is not complaining about paying Child maintenance.

he is complaining about paying Spousal maintenance. Nothing to do with the children, or any further children.

personally I think spousal maintenance should be long gone, as most women (and men) should be capable of maintaining themselves and paying their own bills. The o/p herself has been able to work two jobs, although she hasn’t yet explained how and why she needs to work two jobs on top of spousal maintenance.

My ex is the same. 6 figure salary. I’m disabled, raising his child and every chance he gets he digs at me about the money. He told me he would pay for her to go to nursery, tricked me into signing dd up for a nursery that only does 15 funded hours a week and then changed his position to I have to pay it all and I have no money for her other living costs.

So now I’m stuck with a bill I can’t afford. Now, I know he’s under no obligation to pay nursery fees but he deliberately misled me so that he could make sure all the money he pays me gets spent on nursery fees. he’s controlling. I would have chosen a different nursery. If I suggest we ask the CMS to do a calculation so that it’s fair on both sides, it’s like red rag to a bull.

Men like this see maintenance as their money which has been stolen from them and they don’t see why they should continue to pay to raise their own children. And it’s incredibly common.

@BetterFuture1985

do you see yourself ever not being bitter about the financial settlement your ex was awarded?

He negotiated it. He didn't go to court.

He's an arse

Your kids are adults they should be able to figure that out.

Why are you following them on social media?

You need to move on too

You haven’t read his other threads and posts have you?

Read the thread, the 'children' are adults

Well this took a turn.

I think spousal maintenance should be long gone, as most women (and men) should be capable of maintaining themselves and paying their own bills.

This completely ignores the major disadvantage that many women suffer from once tey have children. THeir earning capacity, pensions, ability for prootion etc, are materially affected by taking on the major part of pregnancy (no man can do this) childbirth, and child rearing. Women also take on the mentalload. This puts many many women at a significant disadvantage - to te extent that it's recognised by most economists.

Until those disparities are fixed, then a certain amount of spousal maintenance is necessary. Women lose a huge amount (financially) by having children - it's a big gamble. THey have to trust that their husband will do the right thing. It's a lot to give away.

@Autumnnights2022 's exH did not do the right thing, and her trust was broken. He's an arse.