Boyfriend doesnt like me being friends with exes

ErinHart · 2022-10-04T05:01:43+00:00

Hi! My boyfriend doesn't want me to see the previous men I have been intimate with. He wants me to choose him over my being friends with them. He says he trusts me but not them. He said because I am choosing to stay friends with them, that those relationships are more important and fulfilling than what our relationship could be. Thought? Please be honest and raw

oldestmumaintheworld · 04/10/2022 06:05

No-one gets to choose who you are friends with. I'm not friends with my ex's, that's why they are ex. But you feel differently and that's up to you not him.

Simonjt · 04/10/2022 06:12

I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t like that I was friends with an ex, guess what, there were other multiple redflags. Dumped him, definitely the best course of action. Now married to someone who is a normal non-jealous person who doesn’t lose his shit because I have friends.

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2022 06:14

He can’t tell you who you can and can’t be friends with

Ndd135632 · 04/10/2022 06:19

Am in two minds on this one. On the one hand PP are right - nobody has the right to decide your friends. But on the other I can see that it’s tough for a partner if somebody they love is hanging around with someone they have been so intimate with. There are lots of people out there. What is so special about your friendship with your ex that your can’t relinquish?

Aprilx · 04/10/2022 06:49

I am also in two minds. He shouldn’t try to tell you who to be friends with, but more generally I tend to think exes are best left in the past.

sammylady37 · 04/10/2022 06:52

Massive red flag and one I wish I had heeded in the past.

I’m good friends with one particular ex. It’s almost 20 years since our relationship ended but we have remained firm friends since. If a new boyfriend swanned in and demanded I end a friendship of two decades, he’d be told to fuck off fairly lively.

Cornflakegirll · 04/10/2022 06:53

I'm in two minds too.

One part of me is saying he absolutely can not tell you who you are friends with.

But I personally wouldn't be friends with my exes. I'm 'friendly' but not friends. I certainly would never meet them on a 1:1 basis.

UseOfWeapons · 04/10/2022 07:21

He can’t tell you with whom you can be friends. Red flag 🚩 for me. Sounds controlling. One of my exes thought I shouldn’t be friends with exes, then it expanded to any men, then anyone! He was abusive in all the ways, so I’d proceed carefully… if he can’t accept a friendly relationship, he is at best insecure.

Original poster

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 07:32

Thanks guys!

These "exes" have just been friends with benefits in the past. Nothing serious.

I was never attracted to them on a deeper level and wanted to pursue anything more than friendship.

These "exes" have grown into friendships over the years. I still value them as good people. Because they are and they have been great friends. I dont want to just cut them out because it didn't work out. They didnt hurt me. My heart is open

and now my new partner has voiced his concerns and makes me want to choose. I keep telling him "Youre the one i can see my life with" not them.

Its not enough.

Now he is saying "he feels betrayed"

Thank you everyone for the insight.

OP posts:

Crazykatie · 04/10/2022 07:44

This is always going to be a problem, as it would be if he kept contact with his previous girlfriends. Close friends of the opposite sex will always viewed with suspicion, even more so if you have had sex with them, how does he know you had sex with them.

This man is obviously not the one for you, best of luck finding one that is willing to be happy with you remaining in contact with previous partners.

frozendaisy · 04/10/2022 07:46

Alarm alarm trying to change who you are already.

If you stay together you need to shut down this demand once and for all.

Put another way, you have remained friends if you were going to be together you would be.

Tell new bf to put up or shut up. He can't pick your friends.

Simonjt · 04/10/2022 07:50

What is so special about your friendship with your ex that your can’t relinquish?

Ah, a red flag in motion.

Lalauna · 04/10/2022 07:53

I think it comes down to a mismatch of boundaries that you both find acceptable. I’m very good friends with an ex but we have a child together and means we coparent very well, I say good friends but we wouldn’t meet up and hang out more just we often chat on phone or have a chat when we are dropping off or picking up

i can see both sides to this one but I think neither side need try to change the others boundaries, he’s said what he finds acceptable you say what you have, if it’s mismatched and you both don’t agree then not sure there is a way forward?

Iamclearlyamug · 04/10/2022 07:58

I'm kind of in this situation too, except the ex in question is my exH and father of my DD(10) who we have 50/50 care of - I can't exactly cut him out, and surely it's better we're friendly for the sake of DD? My OH hates it and thinks my ex has an agenda (he really doesn't, we've been split 7 years, surely if something was gonna happen it would have done in the SEVEN YEARS since we split 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️)

You're not alone OP, it's frustrating as hell but I won't give in 🤷‍♀️

Cornflakegirll · 04/10/2022 08:00

Lalauna · 04/10/2022 07:53

I think it comes down to a mismatch of boundaries that you both find acceptable. I’m very good friends with an ex but we have a child together and means we coparent very well, I say good friends but we wouldn’t meet up and hang out more just we often chat on phone or have a chat when we are dropping off or picking up

i can see both sides to this one but I think neither side need try to change the others boundaries, he’s said what he finds acceptable you say what you have, if it’s mismatched and you both don’t agree then not sure there is a way forward?

This... the more info you've given the more I agree this is a boundary issue.

Dery · 04/10/2022 08:09

“Am in two minds on this one. On the one hand PP are right - nobody has the right to decide your friends. But on the other I can see that it’s tough for a partner if somebody they love is hanging around with someone they have been so intimate with.”

This. Yes, he could be horribly controlling and this could be the first step towards trying to isolate you generally. But I think there’s a balance to be struck here. There are plenty of posts on here from women who feel vulnerable because of their partner’s closeness with an ex - sometimes it comes off as controlling, other times a bit more reasonable. I think a lot depends on how your friendship with these exes manifests. Do you spend lots of quality time with them that interferes with time spent with him? Has he met them? Do they know you’re committed to him?

mrsjohnnylawrence · 04/10/2022 08:11

How many of these men are there and how often are you seeing them and what are you doing with them?

Spidey66 · 04/10/2022 08:14

I can see both sides to this too. I get they were FWB and if he's insecure he may feel the relationship may lapse into having benefits again! It would be different if you exchange pleasantries down the pub. Could you invite him out when you meet him? Maybe see if they can be mates?

Obviously men and women can be platonic friends but this boundary is slightly blurred once sex has been in the picture.

It's different again if children are involved. Then I think a civil and friendly relationship is better for the kids.

I've sat so long on the fence on this one I've got splinters in my bum!

Lovemusic33 · 04/10/2022 08:20

Would you mind him socialising with women he had fucked?

I can kind of see his point tbh because I wouldn’t like it either. Sure it’s fine that you spend time with other people other than him but spending time with ex’s is going to make him feel a bit weird.

Crazykatie · 04/10/2022 08:29

There are endless threads in these pages usually from women who are insecure because there men are in contact with other women, there is no difference between ex partners and a new “friend” it still arouses suspicion.

As soon as you have a disagreement in the future, it gets thrown back at you. Is every wife who objects to her husband having a drink after work with a female colleague, they or may not be shagging, is the wife controlling?.

Readaboutyourself · 04/10/2022 08:32

He can not like it but he doesn’t control you and for him to give the ultimatum means he values this one issues more than you.

Cut him lose.
And what does he trusts you but not them even mean? They’re rapists?!

mrsjohnnylawrence · 04/10/2022 08:34

There ARE endless threads around this but it doesn't even come down to who's right and who's wrong. It comes down to what you both want and if one wants to keep a string of exes as friends and the other isn't okay with that then why even pursue it?

RueValens · 04/10/2022 08:35

I would dump you for still being friends with your exes

WinOutdoors · 04/10/2022 08:36

It's up to you to choose your friends and your priorities, he can't make you drop them, but he has the right to walk away if the way you behave upsets him (and he should).

Why are these exes so important to you? Is BF included in the friendship/nights out etc or are they exclusive? How would you feel if he was doing the same with his exes?

Heyahun · 04/10/2022 08:41

Oh jeez get rid of him ! It’s a massive controlling red flag!

one if my best friends is married to my ex and we are all super close still!
I’m friends with a good few of my other ex boyfriends too - i never had a bad break up really and see no reason why not to speak to any of these guys anymore tbh! We agreed to split up amicably and we still have loads in common so why not keep them as friend.

I’ve split with anyone who has ever said the line “I trust you but not them” like What does that mean - I’m a stupid woman who would be easily tricked into cheating on my partner by a bad untrustworthy man !?? It really pisses me off tbh 😂😂