Page 4 | Boyfriend doesnt like me being friends with exes

ErinHart · 2022-10-04T05:01:43+00:00

Hi! My boyfriend doesn't want me to see the previous men I have been intimate with. He wants me to choose him over my being friends with them. He says he trusts me but not them. He said because I am choosing to stay friends with them, that those relationships are more important and fulfilling than what our relationship could be. Thought? Please be honest and raw

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 04/10/2022 20:48

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 09:20

There are 3 of them

We talk on the phone sometimes.
I just reconnected after 2 years. I reached out to him because I felt unresolved issues needed healing.
We have been friends for a long time. I am a loyal gf, but I also want to remain loyal to my friend.

I let him know every time I see them and always invite him. Never catch up behind his back. I also tell him to ring me if he needs anything. I make myself available.

I have asked myself, "how would I feel if the roles were reserved"

It really comes down to trusting, knowing and believing he is not romantically interested in them anymore.

He has become friends with 2 girls he matched on Tinder (but did not sleep with them), and I have befriended both of them.

Why does my bf need so much validation?
Why does he need that self of entitlement?
Why does he need me to make him a priority?
Honestly.. maybe he needs that to mask deep unconscious insecurity.
Does he need me to validate him and make him feel superior to protect himself from his own wounds?

This is controlling behaviour; the more I put a boundary up, the more he reacts.

I really appreciate everyone's messages

After reading this update, if I was him I would be the one giving the you push to be honest, especially the “reaching out after 2 years “ comment,

pompei8309 · 04/10/2022 20:51

I’m your boyfriend, there is absolutely no reason why would you stay “ friends “ with your ex .

missprism · 04/10/2022 22:26

I agree with boyfriend, OP. He should be your focus now, not random exes and FWBs.

DirectionToPerfection · 04/10/2022 22:32

It seems like you're trying to keep them all on the hook OP. Can't be surprised your boyfriend doesn't like it. As a PP said, it's not controlling, it's having standards and an appropriate sense of boundaries.

You contacted an ex out of the blue after two years so that you could both 'heal'? That's not a normal thing to do if you're committed to your partner. Either you still have feelings for them or you're attention seeking.

Ndd135632 · 04/10/2022 22:56

@Heyahun where did I ever say she should stay with him? Of course if their boundaries don’t match she should dump him. You and I agree.

Ndd135632 · 04/10/2022 23:00

@DirectionToPerfection You contacted an ex out of the blue after two years so that you could both 'heal'? That's not a normal thing to do if you're committed to your partner. Either you still have feelings for them or you're attention seeking.

fully agree. What kind of thread is this? Woman can do what she wants and man sucks it up? I’m as independent as it gets but this is messed up.

GoingOffScript · 23/05/2025 16:31

I know this is an old thread but I have had intermittent contact with an Ex , maybe 4/5 times in the past 30 years. I’ll text “Happy Xmas/birthday. I’ve seen him accidentally at a shop and he did come to my mums funeral. My partner expressed his unhappiness but I could not just make him a “non - person”.

Any advice?

category12 · 23/05/2025 16:42

GoingOffScript · 23/05/2025 16:31

I know this is an old thread but I have had intermittent contact with an Ex , maybe 4/5 times in the past 30 years. I’ll text “Happy Xmas/birthday. I’ve seen him accidentally at a shop and he did come to my mums funeral. My partner expressed his unhappiness but I could not just make him a “non - person”.

Any advice?

Just keep doing what you're doing.

If you've been in contact 4 or 5 times in 30 years, it's very low key. It's not like you're oversharing or putting huge amounts of emotion, energy or thought into the connection.

Your partner is being weird.

Thisistyresome · 23/05/2025 17:03

End it.

Your are entitled to stay friends with exes.

He is entitled to not want to be with someone who stays friends with exes.

You have different preferences in relationships. No one is to blame here just an incompatibility. Better to get out quick and move on.

Thisistyresome · 23/05/2025 17:07

GoingOffScript · 23/05/2025 16:31

I know this is an old thread but I have had intermittent contact with an Ex , maybe 4/5 times in the past 30 years. I’ll text “Happy Xmas/birthday. I’ve seen him accidentally at a shop and he did come to my mums funeral. My partner expressed his unhappiness but I could not just make him a “non - person”.

Any advice?

So you text happy birthday and Christmas for 30 years. That would be 60 times. Then some other random occasions, but this is only 4/5 time in 30 years.

Regardless of people’s views on contact with exes, explanations like that tend to get partners asking questions…

Thisistyresome · 23/05/2025 17:11

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 09:20

There are 3 of them

We talk on the phone sometimes.
I just reconnected after 2 years. I reached out to him because I felt unresolved issues needed healing.
We have been friends for a long time. I am a loyal gf, but I also want to remain loyal to my friend.

I let him know every time I see them and always invite him. Never catch up behind his back. I also tell him to ring me if he needs anything. I make myself available.

I have asked myself, "how would I feel if the roles were reserved"

It really comes down to trusting, knowing and believing he is not romantically interested in them anymore.

He has become friends with 2 girls he matched on Tinder (but did not sleep with them), and I have befriended both of them.

Why does my bf need so much validation?
Why does he need that self of entitlement?
Why does he need me to make him a priority?
Honestly.. maybe he needs that to mask deep unconscious insecurity.
Does he need me to validate him and make him feel superior to protect himself from his own wounds?

This is controlling behaviour; the more I put a boundary up, the more he reacts.

I really appreciate everyone's messages

Wow, until I read this I just though it was incompatibility.

He need to get out. I hope people in his life are advising him too.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 23/05/2025 17:24

2 of my (now ex) partners remained friends with their exes.

They both had relationships with me for 18 months then both went back to their exes with no warning or explanation!

So for that reason, I wouldn't go out with anyone still good friends with his ex.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 23/05/2025 17:26

You don't "need" to text anyone after 2 years. You're simpering and attention seeking.

GoingOffScript · 23/05/2025 17:50

Thisistyresome · 23/05/2025 17:07

So you text happy birthday and Christmas for 30 years. That would be 60 times. Then some other random occasions, but this is only 4/5 time in 30 years.

Regardless of people’s views on contact with exes, explanations like that tend to get partners asking questions…

Show quote history

No. I meant, I left him 30yrs ago. From time to time, I’d send a message. I saw him twice since 1992. He was in a wheelchair after an accident. His mum knew my mum. I didn’t need to make him a non-person. My parter knew we had occasional contact. Never his anything. Partner able to read Facebook messages as I used his computer for Facebook.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/05/2025 17:59

Both of my exes were abusive, one emotionally, financially and sexually, the other emotionally and financially. Both also were compulsive liars and cheats. Needless to say i wouldn't want any form of contact with either.
As such i don't have any personal experience of a relationship that ended amicably with no abuse/hurt, where it just fizzled out etc, so i don't know how it feels to have loved someone and those feelings to have gone away but still be fond of someone in a friend way, so it's not something i can really imagine.

Having been cheated on in every previous relationship i can admittedly be a bit jealous and insecure. I was open with my now fiance when we met and liked eachother, before we were seeing eachother or considering a relationship, that i'm not okay with my romantic partner being friends with any exes/previous intimate partners. He was understanding and totally fine with this. He is in contact with an ex as a co parent but they aren't friends and don't speak outside of needed contact, which i'm obviously fine with.
It's the idea of emotional intimacy with someone he'd previously loved and been physically intimate with that would make me uncomfortable, as if there were circumstances they fell for eachother previously, in the right circumstances it could happen again and lines could blur or be crossed, and i'm just not willing to risk that.

I'm aware that could make me a red flag, which is why i bring up my feelings on it early on, same as my feelings on porn, strip clubs etc, so neither of us get invested if we are going to be incompatible.