Page 2 | Boyfriend doesnt like me being friends with exes

ErinHart · 2022-10-04T05:01:43+00:00

Hi! My boyfriend doesn't want me to see the previous men I have been intimate with. He wants me to choose him over my being friends with them. He says he trusts me but not them. He said because I am choosing to stay friends with them, that those relationships are more important and fulfilling than what our relationship could be. Thought? Please be honest and raw

Pugsbladder · 04/10/2022 08:41

I'm on his side. I think if he's a great guy in all other respects, then I wouldn't judge him for feeling insecure about this. I think it's rational and doesn't mean he's controlling. Why sacrifice a great relationship for a bunch of ex FWB.

baileys6904 · 04/10/2022 08:45

His insecurities are his problem not yours. He should not be trying to change your behaviour, only how he reacts to it.

SimonaRazowska · 04/10/2022 08:46

I would not want someone who actively pursued seeing exes

Feels like you art trying to keep your options open

Being friends on social media and throwing an occasional "like" their way, fine. Running into them at mutual friend's party and having a nice chat, fine.

But DMing and arranging meet ups just the 2 of you? I'd say that is keeping your options open

No need to cut them out if your life, but no need to arrange dinners out the two of you either

But what do you mean with staying friends?

TheLeadbetterLife · 04/10/2022 08:47

Jealousy is my number one red flag and any boyfriend behaving like this gets an instant dumping from me.

Get rid.

minticecreamisjustok · 04/10/2022 08:48

I wouldn't be with someone who was still friends with a bunch of exes. In a perfect world we'd all trust each other but in reality quite often this isn't just friends, or at least one of exes is hoping to get in with another chance.

XJerseyGirlX · 04/10/2022 08:56

I don't mind dh having exes on social media but I wouldn't want him texting and meeting up with them tbh, I know dh would feel the same the other way round.

WinOutdoors · 04/10/2022 08:58

What does being friends mean? Still meeting regularly 121 or occasionally bumping into each other with mutual friends?

Liking their post once in a while or messaging daily/weekly?

Is BF (and others) welcome when you meet or are these special friendships where you have most fun when it's just the two of you?

I think you probably know if he's being jealous over nothing or whether your behaviour is unreasonable and you don't like the answer.

EBearhug · 04/10/2022 09:03

I’m friends with a good few of my other ex boyfriends too - i never had a bad break up really and see no reason why not to speak to any of these guys anymore tbh! We agreed to split up amicably and we still have loads in common so why not keep them as friend.

Same here. If others have a problem with it - that's their problem, and if they can't handle it, they'd be right to split up with me, because I'm not dumping long term friends, however we started off. It's over a decade since I was with one, and over a quarter century with another. Others are just FB friends/see them as part of a group, and mostly married to other people.

Plus plenty of former couples have to stay in touch because of shared parenting, and that is surely easier if you get on okay? I don't envy my friends who have to deal with exes who can barely be civil and can be manipulative and argue over the slightest thing about the children just to get one up.

I'm middle-aged. Anyone I meet now should expect me to have a history, just as I would them - and that's probably going to include some exes. I'd think it a good thing if they can renegotiate a past relationship to be on good terms now.

WinOutdoors · 04/10/2022 09:10

I’m friends with a good few of my other ex boyfriends too - i never had a bad break up really and see no reason why not to speak to any of these guys anymore tbh! We agreed to split up amicably and we still have loads in common so why not keep them as friend.

There's a world of difference between "not speaking" and staying close. If OP really means she comments occasionally on SM and is friendly if they bump into each other when out, I'd agree but I suspect OP is talking about much more intimate friendships.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/10/2022 09:14

Nope, this is controlling. A big red flag. Then it will be your female friends because he trusts you but doesn't trust them. Run.

Palmfrond · 04/10/2022 09:17

Jealousy is a red flag, when it’s predominant and becomes preemptive and controlling, but I’d say complete lack of jealousy is also a red flag.

Personally I wouldn’t be happy with DP who being chummy with former fuck buddies. That’s me, though, and I would be completely understanding if my own DP wasn’t happy with me being so either.
And I’m guessing the keyboard warriors saying “bin”, “get rid” etc would probably not be happy in this situation. Unless of course their strident online persona is in fact just a bunch of hot air. Hot letters? Hot snakes. You get my drift.

Original poster

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 09:20

There are 3 of them

We talk on the phone sometimes.
I just reconnected after 2 years. I reached out to him because I felt unresolved issues needed healing.
We have been friends for a long time. I am a loyal gf, but I also want to remain loyal to my friend.

I let him know every time I see them and always invite him. Never catch up behind his back. I also tell him to ring me if he needs anything. I make myself available.

I have asked myself, "how would I feel if the roles were reserved"

It really comes down to trusting, knowing and believing he is not romantically interested in them anymore.

He has become friends with 2 girls he matched on Tinder (but did not sleep with them), and I have befriended both of them.

Why does my bf need so much validation?
Why does he need that self of entitlement?
Why does he need me to make him a priority?
Honestly.. maybe he needs that to mask deep unconscious insecurity.
Does he need me to validate him and make him feel superior to protect himself from his own wounds?

This is controlling behaviour; the more I put a boundary up, the more he reacts.

I really appreciate everyone's messages

OP posts:

feistymumma · 04/10/2022 09:21

What does friendly mean? If it means constant texting and meeting up for coffee etc then it's a no from me. I understand we all have pasts but I would not be comfortable with this. In the initial stages of our relationship my partner had lots of ex fwb ladies messaging him and he told them he was now in a serious relationship and there would be no communication after that. One particular fwb responded by saying she didn't care that he was now in a relationship and that she still wanted them to fuck. It's that kind of behaviour really that lines can get blurred really easily with these fwb relationships. I cut all my fwb relationships when I started dating him but neither of us insisted that we cease communicating with them. More mutual respect for each other's feelings.

WinOutdoors · 04/10/2022 09:22

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 09:20

There are 3 of them

We talk on the phone sometimes.
I just reconnected after 2 years. I reached out to him because I felt unresolved issues needed healing.
We have been friends for a long time. I am a loyal gf, but I also want to remain loyal to my friend.

I let him know every time I see them and always invite him. Never catch up behind his back. I also tell him to ring me if he needs anything. I make myself available.

I have asked myself, "how would I feel if the roles were reserved"

It really comes down to trusting, knowing and believing he is not romantically interested in them anymore.

He has become friends with 2 girls he matched on Tinder (but did not sleep with them), and I have befriended both of them.

Why does my bf need so much validation?
Why does he need that self of entitlement?
Why does he need me to make him a priority?
Honestly.. maybe he needs that to mask deep unconscious insecurity.
Does he need me to validate him and make him feel superior to protect himself from his own wounds?

This is controlling behaviour; the more I put a boundary up, the more he reacts.

I really appreciate everyone's messages

OK well he's not going to change you and you're not going to change him. So where does that leave you?

RainbowsMoonbeams · 04/10/2022 09:26

Probably best to accept that’s his view and dump him.
Because he won’t be happy if you stay friends with them, and you won’t be happy of he makes you abandon the friendships.

MaChienEstUnDick · 04/10/2022 09:26

If my partner intentionally and mindfully 'reached out' to an ex FWB after two years, I think I would dump them. I don't think you're being honest with yourself here. If you had 'issues' that needed healing then they weren't a simple FWB, were they?

Look, if you feel the behaviour is controlling then follow through on your boundaries and dump him. Our lives generally would be better and simpler if we realised we can't change anyone, all we can do is change ourselves or the situation.

feistymumma · 04/10/2022 09:27

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 09:20

There are 3 of them

We talk on the phone sometimes.
I just reconnected after 2 years. I reached out to him because I felt unresolved issues needed healing.
We have been friends for a long time. I am a loyal gf, but I also want to remain loyal to my friend.

I let him know every time I see them and always invite him. Never catch up behind his back. I also tell him to ring me if he needs anything. I make myself available.

I have asked myself, "how would I feel if the roles were reserved"

It really comes down to trusting, knowing and believing he is not romantically interested in them anymore.

He has become friends with 2 girls he matched on Tinder (but did not sleep with them), and I have befriended both of them.

Why does my bf need so much validation?
Why does he need that self of entitlement?
Why does he need me to make him a priority?
Honestly.. maybe he needs that to mask deep unconscious insecurity.
Does he need me to validate him and make him feel superior to protect himself from his own wounds?

This is controlling behaviour; the more I put a boundary up, the more he reacts.

I really appreciate everyone's messages

You don't seem compatible, ditch your ' controlling' boyfriend and continue the relationships with the exes and find someone who accepts those friendships

Doggiedoodoos · 04/10/2022 09:28

I felt on his side till you said he is friends with women he met on tinder. Now it is a red flag. Why is it ok for him to be friends with women he met online and you cannot be friends with men you have been with previously? One rule for him and another for you.

CreatingHavoc · 04/10/2022 09:31

I'm friends with nearly all my ex's. I've known them since I was in college, which is over 20 years ago and I was only with them for a fraction of that time (3 years with one and another on and off for about a year). I haven't actually had any partner that's been overly bothered about it either tbh but that might be because I make it clear early on that they are my friends, they are important to me and I really, really don't do jealousy. If your boyfriend trusts you then it doesn't matter if he trusts them or not because he should trust you not to cheat. He sounds quite insecure. I would make it clear that it is not an option to choose friends over any partner and he either needs to suck it up or bugger off.

Bbq1 · 04/10/2022 09:33

I kind of see it. I understand him feeling uncomfortable uncomfortable about you being friend with exes/fwb's.
I guess being friendly with 1 or 2 maybe understandable but you speak as if it's multiple past partners. Also there's a difference between being friendly and being friends. I personally wouldn't like my dh going on a night out with an ex.

Crazykatie · 04/10/2022 10:13

Remember it’s not just opposite sex that causes problems increasingly same
sex partnerships have the same insecurities and jealousy’s, it’s not unknown for a husband to come home to find his wife in bed with a girlfriend - or vice versa.

firstmummy2019 · 04/10/2022 10:19

SimonaRazowska · 04/10/2022 08:46

I would not want someone who actively pursued seeing exes

Feels like you art trying to keep your options open

Being friends on social media and throwing an occasional "like" their way, fine. Running into them at mutual friend's party and having a nice chat, fine.

But DMing and arranging meet ups just the 2 of you? I'd say that is keeping your options open

No need to cut them out if your life, but no need to arrange dinners out the two of you either

But what do you mean with staying friends?

This!

Palmfrond · 04/10/2022 10:23

@ErinHart “I just reconnected after 2 years. I reached out to him because I felt unresolved issues needed healing.”

hmmm, unfinished business. Heard that one before. Sounds like back burner/backup plan. I wouldn’t be happy with this, not at all. I think you need to be honest with yourself on this one. Maybe your bf is a controlling prick, or maybe you just want to be left to pursue unfinished business. But I think generally when a relationship is done, it’s done. Nothing more to say about it. When that’s established you can be friends irrespective of what was between you before. But this… meeeh.

Hue · 04/10/2022 10:27

Bin

OctopusBreath · 04/10/2022 10:30

Your number two reason is a massive red flag. You got in touch with an ex out of the blue because there were issues still unresolved in your mind. It's crazy to me that you think that it's appropriate to behave that way when you're in a relationship.
I am friends with exes btw, but your reasoning would have me sprinting for the hills.