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Original poster

Boyfriend doesnt like me being friends with exes

90 replies

ErinHart · 04/10/2022 06:01

Hi!

My boyfriend doesn't want me to see the previous men I have been intimate with. He wants me to choose him over my being friends with them. He says he trusts me but not them.

He said because I am choosing to stay friends with them, that those relationships are more important and fulfilling than what our relationship could be.

Thought? Please be honest and raw

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2022 10:32

Aprilx · Today 06:49
I am also in two minds. He shouldn’t try to tell you who to be friends with, but more generally I tend to think exes are best left in the past“

this.

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 10:34

I was in 2 minds about it, but from your latest update and the fact you reached out to one of them to 'heal unfinished business' and you see them fairly regularly 1 to 1, I can understand his point. You sound a little selfish, in that you should be able to do what you want, when you want, with whoever you want.
And of course you can. If you're single. However, when you are in a relationship with someone else you also have to consider that other person. Its no longer just about you.

So I think you need to consider who is more important to you. A bunch of blokes you once fucked, or your current partner being uncomfortable with you hanging out with them.

Perhaps there is a compromise here. He is uncomfortable with it, and I can't blame him for that. And you need to be considering that. Perhaps tone down the contact with your exes and don't prioritise them over him. And in time he will realise they are not a threat.

Personally, I don't think I would want to stay in a relationship with someone who regularly saw women they had previously been intimate with on a 1 to 1 basis, and had phone calls and messaging with and told me I just had to put up with it.

gannett · 04/10/2022 10:35

Massive red flag.

There's no blanket rule about being friends with exes because every situation is different. But when there isn't active hostility or abuse, an ex is usually someone you like, but who wasn't compatible with you in a relationship.

I'm still good friends with an old FWB. At the time (13 years ago) neither of us wanted to be in a relationship at all, and certainly not with each other. But we have similar interests and still get on well. We've both been in LTRs for years now and through that time have still met up frequently - with other people, with our partners and even by ourselves. We haven't shagged because we have morals and it's actually quite easy not to shag someone. Neither his wife or my partner have expressed any issues.

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 10:37

I felt on his side till you said he is friends with women he met on tinder. Now it is a red flag. Why is it ok for him to be friends with women he met online and you cannot be friends with men you have been with previously? One rule for him and another for you.

Good point. However he wasn't fucking either of them.
So I'd say it is a bit different.

gannett · 04/10/2022 10:37

But on the other I can see that it’s tough for a partner if somebody they love is hanging around with someone they have been so intimate with.

Explain how exactly this is tough please. I've hung out with DP's exes frequently, as he has with mine. I didn't feel any type of way about it - I quite enjoyed meeting women who'd been in his life and they were interesting to chat to. Am I supposed to feel insecure or jealous or unsettled because they shagged him once, twice or many times, way before he knew me?

Palmfrond · 04/10/2022 10:53

gannett · 04/10/2022 10:37

But on the other I can see that it’s tough for a partner if somebody they love is hanging around with someone they have been so intimate with.

Explain how exactly this is tough please. I've hung out with DP's exes frequently, as he has with mine. I didn't feel any type of way about it - I quite enjoyed meeting women who'd been in his life and they were interesting to chat to. Am I supposed to feel insecure or jealous or unsettled because they shagged him once, twice or many times, way before he knew me?

OP wanting to be friends (and “heal”) with fuck buddies/casual hook ups from not very long ago is quite different from meeting DHs ex-wife in a tearoom in Penrith. No offence.

Heyahun · 04/10/2022 11:54

Always shocked at these threads and the amount of people who think it’s ok for a partner to tell someone what they can and can’t do it who they can and can’t be friends with! It’s controlling

if the person doesn’t like a part of who you are then you are not the person from them - split up and find someone else
dont start ending friendships because a man said so ffs 🤦‍♀️

ganvough · 04/10/2022 11:54

Depends what is meant by friends? People you occasionally chat to and exchange social media stuff with. Or people you are very close and spend a lot of time with.

I would understand previous relationships remaining friends, fuck buddies? No. That's already proven it's a friendship that turns sexual at times. Not a relationship that turned into a friendship. I am amicable with my exH and DP knows but I hardly ever see or speak to him - certainly not someone I hang out with.

But I wouldn't date someone who was still close friends with an ex. And he shouldn't either. You're just not compatible. Relationships are hard enough with 50% of them doomed to divorce. I prefer not to add any opportunities for drama and problems. Best to just break up. However, you need to be prepared that you might end up falling for someone very close to his ex-es, and similarly can't dictate to him what he does.

Pinkbonbon · 04/10/2022 11:59

How many of these old fuck buddies do you count as 'friends'. Because one I could understand..maybe 2 at a push. If you'd known them many years since you'd last slept together.

But generally speaking, no one woth healthy boundaries would be OK with more than that. Because i highly don't those friendships would mean the same to these men as they do to you. And of course its not ok to have lots of past lovers around you when you're in a new relationship.

I suspect this one might be less of a case of him bring controlling. And more of a case of you lacking respect for your partner. That vring said, if these fella are more important to you, choose them. But dont expect the next guy to be OK with it either.

ganvough · 04/10/2022 12:10

gannett · 04/10/2022 10:37

But on the other I can see that it’s tough for a partner if somebody they love is hanging around with someone they have been so intimate with.

Explain how exactly this is tough please. I've hung out with DP's exes frequently, as he has with mine. I didn't feel any type of way about it - I quite enjoyed meeting women who'd been in his life and they were interesting to chat to. Am I supposed to feel insecure or jealous or unsettled because they shagged him once, twice or many times, way before he knew me?

There's also plenty of people who enjoy open relationships and polyamorous relationships - with no jealousy or insecurity. Seems to be majority of the population choose monogamy (including you) because there is a level of possessiveness and jealousy and insecurity in all of us. By this token anyone who expects monogamy/life long commitment is controlling.

Nowstrong · 04/10/2022 12:12

Keep you exes as friends if that is what you want to do.
Personally I also have a couple, who are extremely good friends and who I share nothing else with but a genuine friendship. Him feeling betrayed is utter nonsense. You are extremely clear about when and where you meet or talk with your friends. You also invite him along. What else does he need. He's jealous and insecure. Not very nice features. I would dump. Take care x

BlindGirlMcSqueaky · 04/10/2022 12:13

Bin him off. This won't be the only thing he's insecure about.

His insecurities are his own to resolve. He should not be demanding you to cut people out of your life to satisfy his anxiety.

RandomMusings7 · 04/10/2022 12:14

I would not date a man who had several former sex partners skirting on the edge of his universe. One or two exes who are part of your larger friends circle, i guess. But going out of his way to stay in contact or even reconnect with a former sex buddy who he is not otherwise connected to via work or other circumstance, no thanks.

I would dump you. It's not controlling. It's called having boundaries and standards.

Cornflakegirll · 04/10/2022 12:57

Absolutely everything @RandomMusings7 I would not date the male equivalent of you OP. Three ex fuck buddies, one of which you had to seek some sort of closure on, is not a situation I'd want to be involved in.

His friendships with two women where there clearly was no sexual attraction is not the same.

I'm not controlling and there are no red flags waving with me but my boundaries are clear and I'd feel uncomfortable with it!

madasawethen · 04/10/2022 13:26

How new is your relationship?

How often do you talk to or see the ex fwbs? Are they now in serious relationships?

Big difference than a happy birthday, merry Christmas type relationship and getting together every other weekend.

Ndd135632 · 04/10/2022 14:56

@Iamclearlyamug but it is completely different if you have kids together with an ex. Then of course you need to stay contact but I wouldn’t be going out with the father of my kids - my ex - as a ‘friend.’ We are ‘friendly’ but he isn’t a friend I would be doing the same thing I would my other friends. And i wouldn’t expect my ex husband to go out with his ex wife either as a mate. That is MY red line boundary.

Your new partner has clearly stated his red line. You disagree. But that doesn’t negate that those are HIS boundaries. And he is entitled to those boundaries. That doesn’t mean, as one PP has said that this will necessarily extend to other friends. That’s quite a jump.

With such a mismatch not sure you are suited.

WillPowerLite · 04/10/2022 15:04

🚩🚩

Ndd135632 · 04/10/2022 15:48

I think this really comes down to individuals and their own boundaries. There isn’t really a right or wrong here. It depends where your boundaries and your partners boundaries lie.

Some partners are happy for their partners to see other people. That’s an open relationship and if both agree then why not.

Some partners are happy for their partners to be friends with their exes. Some don’t want that.

It is not fair for you to dictate where your boyfriends boundaries are. They are his boundaries. You happen to disagree but I wouldn’t say this is a red flag! It is just different boundaries to you.

Personally I think that when you are in a relationship there will be a level of taking the other person into consideration. This whole attitude of well fuck him - bin him - because his attitude of this is quite shocking and I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship with someone who throws my feelings away like that. Relationships involve kindness and understanding. If you still can’t live with that then finish it but don’t walk all over his boundaries.

Heyahun · 04/10/2022 17:57

But @Ndd135632 why should the op not just dump him if she doesn’t want to end the friendships with her exes - should she stay with him and do what he says just because it’s ok for him to feel like this?
it’s fine to feel like that but not fine to tell her who she’s allowed be friends with

samyeagar · 04/10/2022 18:44

I would never dream of telling my wife who she could and couldn't be friends with. She is an adult who makes her own choices.

Likewise, she is not entitled to a relationship with me.

I just would not be in a relationship with someone who chose to reach out to and maintain contact with fuck buddies. Just not worth the potential problems, especially when there are countless other women out there who don't feel the need to do so.

Whattaweapon · 04/10/2022 18:50

Interesting that so many see this as a red flag, but if it was a woman complaining that her boyfriend was hanging around his exes the comments here would be very different.

BlindGirlMcSqueaky · 04/10/2022 19:28

Whattaweapon · 04/10/2022 18:50

Interesting that so many see this as a red flag, but if it was a woman complaining that her boyfriend was hanging around his exes the comments here would be very different.

No it wouldn't. If someone's going to cheat, it's not because you didn't ban them from spending time with enough people.

If I'm dating someone, I either wholeheartedly trust them or I break up with them. I don't go through phones, I don't care what he's doing on a night out, I don't care if he finds X celebrity attractive etc. I don't want a partner I have to police.

Sunnytwobridges · 04/10/2022 19:28

My ex was the same. Turns out he was a controlling prick in other aspects of our relationship as well.

Marineboy67 · 04/10/2022 20:32

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 10:34

I was in 2 minds about it, but from your latest update and the fact you reached out to one of them to 'heal unfinished business' and you see them fairly regularly 1 to 1, I can understand his point. You sound a little selfish, in that you should be able to do what you want, when you want, with whoever you want.
And of course you can. If you're single. However, when you are in a relationship with someone else you also have to consider that other person. Its no longer just about you.

So I think you need to consider who is more important to you. A bunch of blokes you once fucked, or your current partner being uncomfortable with you hanging out with them.

Perhaps there is a compromise here. He is uncomfortable with it, and I can't blame him for that. And you need to be considering that. Perhaps tone down the contact with your exes and don't prioritise them over him. And in time he will realise they are not a threat.

Personally, I don't think I would want to stay in a relationship with someone who regularly saw women they had previously been intimate with on a 1 to 1 basis, and had phone calls and messaging with and told me I just had to put up with it.

I was in a relationship with someone for nearly 4 years. She had 3

exes she kept within arms distance that were remarkably all called John. John 1 from 25 years ago had a plant hire company she would exploit and would relish exchanging explicit pictures from their yesteryear's. Ex husband John 2 is an electrician/plumber that she used regularly for DIY favours because she could, he was afraid she would make access difficult for their daughter if he didn't play ball amongst other things he later told me. John 3 was the affair partner and n FWB that also did DIY for 'sexual' favours. I wasn't happy or comfortable with it but as others have rightly pointed out you have no right to make a person choose. I guess you have to try and reverse the roles in your head and see if you'd be comfortable with a number of your partners exes hanging around.

jeffbezoz · 04/10/2022 20:34

I wouldn't feel OK being friends with and ex (even tho they're nice) I wouldn't think it fair on my current partner and I wouldn't feel happy with my partner being friends with an ex. But every couple has a different perspective.