Love and Sex | Mumsnet

MeganMeggie · 2022-10-03T18:55:35+00:00

So here is the situation- I'm in a 1.5 year relationship with the most amazing, caring, loving, incredible guy on earth. Our relationship is dynamic, our life goals allign, we see similar future for ourselves, which is marriage in about a year, 1-2 kids, we have similar hobbies, and LOVE spending time with each other - travelling, visiting art museums, etc. Do I love him?- YES! I love his character, his personality, I love our memories and I love spending time with him. He makes me feel safe and protected, loved and cared for. The problem is that I am no longer physically attracted to him. Not one bit. That being said - I find him attractive, but I don't want him. I am not only talking about sex - I don't even wanna kiss him. I am NOT asexual, because in the past I used to want him. And sometimes now other men do turn me on (I do not cheat and we are not in an open relationship, I am just saying moments). Hence, I don't know what to do. I am afraid this could be an issue if we stay together. I don't know how it will be possible to live together and be a happy family when one partner wants sex and the other does not. But I also do not wanna lose everything we have built together, and the feelings behind, I don't wanna lose him over just the physical stuff. I am so lost. Please help me decide what I should do. Thanks a lot in advance.

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 03/10/2022 19:56

When did you stop feeling physically attracted? Could it be that the honeymoon period is wearing off? Does he still fancy you and make you feel desired?

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 20:07

He is still attracted to me sexually yes, and he does often express that, but never pushes me into anything if I don't feel like it. Which is why I am most afraid...

It happened to me about half a year ago I would say...

OP posts:

Catlover1970 · 03/10/2022 20:16

You should end it and let him find somebody who is attracted to him physically xx

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 20:17

You cannot live a lie.

Alibro79 · 03/10/2022 20:19

You know exactly what to do.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 03/10/2022 20:21

Watch or read Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 20:23

Can you link the loss of attraction to something going on at the time, eg stress or a health issue? It may be worth seeing a sex therapist who could help you unpick the loss of attraction and see if it’s possible to regain it if you understand more about what’s getting in the way.

Id be reluctant to end an otherwise good relationship without trying to explore the loss of attraction first.

Hue · 03/10/2022 20:24

You have to end it I’m afraid, particularly if you are still attracted to other guys as it indicates the issue is with attraction to him, not attraction in general.

teezletangler · 03/10/2022 20:37

I wouldn't throw away this relationship without exploring first why you're feeling this way. Has something like this ever happened to you before (loss of attraction in a committed relationship)?I wonder if it could be a cycle that will keep repeating.

Trollcity · 03/10/2022 20:43

What would you do if the sexual attraction for him never returned but you wanted to stay with him long-term? He may be totally understanding at the moment and may contine to into the longer term but it might be that he comes to resent you, look for sexual pleasure elsewhere etc.

I think it's something you could work on, maybe either in personal or couples counselling but if you really have lost all urge to be intimate with him, it would be selfish to hold him to the marriage/family plans. It would also not be fair on yourself. Can you imagine having to 'fake' it forever or live a life without sex completely? Or it might be that you're driven to an affair and end up hurting him even more.

Tuilpmouse · 03/10/2022 20:44

teezletangler · 03/10/2022 20:37

I wouldn't throw away this relationship without exploring first why you're feeling this way. Has something like this ever happened to you before (loss of attraction in a committed relationship)?I wonder if it could be a cycle that will keep repeating.

Given everything else about this relationship seems really good, I'd explore the reasons behind this before ending it... Do you have an inkling why? You said you sometimes were attracted to other men...

Is that an occasional thing, and you're just not really feeling sexual most of the time... or you frequently find yourself lusting after other men.

If it's the former, then it could just be your libido is low, and it's workers trying to investigate that.

If it's the latter, that feels like a bigger issue.

Brist0l · 03/10/2022 20:48

You don't fancy him anymore. It must be one of the main reasons people split up.

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 20:54

Tuilpmouse · 03/10/2022 20:44

Given everything else about this relationship seems really good, I'd explore the reasons behind this before ending it... Do you have an inkling why? You said you sometimes were attracted to other men...

Is that an occasional thing, and you're just not really feeling sexual most of the time... or you frequently find yourself lusting after other men.

If it's the former, then it could just be your libido is low, and it's workers trying to investigate that.

If it's the latter, that feels like a bigger issue.

Show quote history

I am not very sexual most of the time, yes. I don't lust after men, absolutely not, In fact, knowing my trust issues, I know that he is the man for me, because he has been with me through so much. I mean it, he has been with me through loss of close people, death, illness, workplace assult.

He stodd with me through everything, and supported me through my highs too - job promotions and small personal victories.

So I will not break up with him as so many people suggested above. Because true love isn't about sex. And I am sad if people really think that it is. We do not meet such special people every day of our lives, it is truly hard to meet someone someone SO loving that they stick with you through your ugliest.
And it may sound horrible, but even if there was absolutely no solution to my sexual problem (which I am pretty sure there is), I would prefer to force myself to time after time physically please him, than risk losing him.

So to those, suggesting to "not live a lie" - it is not a lie. In fact it is the most beautiful love and I really hope one day you feel something like that too, to understand that sexual satisfaction isn't worth losing the treasures of life.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 20:57

Catlover1970 · 03/10/2022 20:16

You should end it and let him find somebody who is attracted to him physically xx

I wanna beleive you are just a sad jeleous person, rather than think that you truly think that love must be tossed away for sex.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 20:59

Brist0l · 03/10/2022 20:48

You don't fancy him anymore. It must be one of the main reasons people split up.

Yes people also do other shitty things - stealing, killing other people, killing themselves. That doesn't mean we should repeat all that. If I was going to end my almost perfect relationship i would have done it. As I mentioned in the post clearly - that is precisely what I do not want and will not do.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 21:00

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 03/10/2022 20:21

Watch or read Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

Thanks for the suggestion, I will try it :)

OP posts:

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 21:01

teezletangler · 03/10/2022 20:37

I wouldn't throw away this relationship without exploring first why you're feeling this way. Has something like this ever happened to you before (loss of attraction in a committed relationship)?I wonder if it could be a cycle that will keep repeating.

Yes exactly my thoughts. You are right it comes and goes, just this is the longest time I have been without any sexual desire, but yes , maybe some therapy could save this.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 21:04

Because true love isn't about sex. And I am sad if people really think that it is.

True love may not be about sex, but sex is a very important part of a partner relationship for many people. How rubbish for him to feel that you’d be forcing yourself to have sex with him from time to time rather than you wanting him and wanting to be intimate with him. And how rubbish for you too to feel you need to have sex that you don’t want.

The danger is that resentment builds on both sides - you having sex you don’t want and him knowing you don’t want it. Have you discussed the place that sex holds for you both in a partner relationship? It may not matter to you, but it may matter a lot to him in which case you need to try and resolve your lack of libido, or let him go. Holding someone in a sexless relationship, or having duty sex in the long term isn’t a loving thing to do.

If it’s not important to either of you, it may not matter in terms of your relationship but if it does matter to him, and not to you there’s a fundamental incompatibility regardless of how you feel about him.

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 21:04

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 20:23

Can you link the loss of attraction to something going on at the time, eg stress or a health issue? It may be worth seeing a sex therapist who could help you unpick the loss of attraction and see if it’s possible to regain it if you understand more about what’s getting in the way.

Id be reluctant to end an otherwise good relationship without trying to explore the loss of attraction first.

Really not sure, I don't think I have any health issues tbh, since for example I tried to see if I get sexually attracted tonew, mysterious, exciting men, and it happened. So really not sure if it is the familiarity that is killing the vibe or what .

But for sure I will not toss away my entire trust, shared history and care, for the sake of sex. Will probably see a therapsit, thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 21:06

I’d echo the suggestion of Esther Perels book, it excellent and very easy reading.

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 21:07

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 21:04

Because true love isn't about sex. And I am sad if people really think that it is.

True love may not be about sex, but sex is a very important part of a partner relationship for many people. How rubbish for him to feel that you’d be forcing yourself to have sex with him from time to time rather than you wanting him and wanting to be intimate with him. And how rubbish for you too to feel you need to have sex that you don’t want.

The danger is that resentment builds on both sides - you having sex you don’t want and him knowing you don’t want it. Have you discussed the place that sex holds for you both in a partner relationship? It may not matter to you, but it may matter a lot to him in which case you need to try and resolve your lack of libido, or let him go. Holding someone in a sexless relationship, or having duty sex in the long term isn’t a loving thing to do.

If it’s not important to either of you, it may not matter in terms of your relationship but if it does matter to him, and not to you there’s a fundamental incompatibility regardless of how you feel about him.

i brought it up to him, and asked him what he wanted to do. I asked if he would be happier ending things, or maaaybe sleeping with other people (without feelings involved) - yes i even suggested that.
He said he would not wanna lose me over sex. His asnwer was something like: "I do want to have sex, but it is not mandatory , and I don't want it if it is going to cost me losing you. And ewwwwwww - i don't wanna fuck pther people. "

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 03/10/2022 21:08

I know you say proper love is not about sex, but personally speaking that connection and desire for another person is a big part of loving someone. From your DPs perspective, I'd be heartbroken if my DP didn't want me sexually. Have you had a frank conversation with him?

MerryLeg · 03/10/2022 21:08

How do you propose having one to two children if you don’t want to have sex?

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 21:11

MerryLeg · 03/10/2022 21:08

How do you propose having one to two children if you don’t want to have sex?

I think you should work harder on the quality of your jokes, before you can do a standup ;)

OP posts:

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 21:11

OrlandointheWilderness · 03/10/2022 21:08

I know you say proper love is not about sex, but personally speaking that connection and desire for another person is a big part of loving someone. From your DPs perspective, I'd be heartbroken if my DP didn't want me sexually. Have you had a frank conversation with him?

The question was answered in my comment right above ;)

OP posts: