Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Love and Sex

86 replies

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 19:55

So here is the situation- I'm in a 1.5 year relationship with the most amazing, caring, loving, incredible guy on earth. Our relationship is dynamic, our life goals allign, we see similar future for ourselves, which is marriage in about a year, 1-2 kids, we have similar hobbies, and LOVE spending time with each other - travelling, visiting art museums, etc.

Do I love him?- YES! I love his character, his personality, I love our memories and I love spending time with him. He makes me feel safe and protected, loved and cared for.

The problem is that I am no longer physically attracted to him. Not one bit. That being said - I find him attractive, but I don't want him. I am not only talking about sex - I don't even wanna kiss him.

I am NOT asexual, because in the past I used to want him. And sometimes now other men do turn me on (I do not cheat and we are not in an open relationship, I am just saying moments).

Hence, I don't know what to do. I am afraid this could be an issue if we stay together. I don't know how it will be possible to live together and be a happy family when one partner wants sex and the other does not. But I also do not wanna lose everything we have built together, and the feelings behind, I don't wanna lose him over just the physical stuff.

I am so lost. Please help me decide what I should do.

Thanks a lot in advance.

OP posts:

OldFan · 03/10/2022 23:13

It might be worth getting some blood tests or something, maybe you have a deficiency for instance.

But @MeganMeggie How over your ex were you when you got with your current boyfriend? Once I had my heart broken and got with a nice boy to bring myself some comfort. It eventually did end because I met someone else I fancied more than him, as I never really fancied him all that much.

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 23:13

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 22:43

OP you mentioned in the very first post that you used to "want him" but are worried that those feelings have gone.

Have you had an active sex life with him previously? If so, did you enjoy sex with him? Or were you waiting until you were married but no longer feel the same level of lust?

If could be relevant as some times there can be an initial sexual desire but if it's not after on over a prolonged period the desire can fade and you "friend zone" him. In this case you love him but no longer view him in a sexual light

We used to be sexual. Nothing too active. But we used to have sex that I was enjoying ...

OP posts:

Whadda · 03/10/2022 23:13

Hawkins001 · 03/10/2022 22:59

In a sense I used to be quite active but now, yes it's nice, but I much prefer a cuppa tea.

Name change fail, OP?

Original poster

MeganMeggie · 03/10/2022 23:14

OldFan · 03/10/2022 23:13

It might be worth getting some blood tests or something, maybe you have a deficiency for instance.

I was pretty over my ex :)

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 23:27

Yes, same. I was brought up in a similar Christian culture about virginity and all that female reservation stuff. But then again, I'm personally not religious...

Im not either, but I remember well that subconscious feeling that I shouldn’t want to have sex, that “nice girls” wait until marriage and then shouldn’t enjoy it too much. It’s hard to feel attraction freely when you’ve been made the gatekeeper to all things sexual even if cognitively you don’t believe it.

I honestly think therapy with someone who understands sexuality would really help you. While sex isn’t the be all and end all in a relationship it would be a huge shame for you not to enjoy your sexual self.

Hawkins001 · 04/10/2022 01:03

Whadda · 03/10/2022 23:13

Name change fail, OP?

Show quote history

Nah, just be being an odd one

NoPrivateSpy · 04/10/2022 11:17

Do you have the 'ick', OP? Be truly honest, does the thought of being close to him physically repulse him you?

I also think the less you do it, the harder it will be. Have you tried going the other way and becoming more tactile to see if it helps?

Redqueenheart · 04/10/2022 11:28

But what is your plan if you marry this man?

Fake it for the rest of your life? stop having sex altogether? only doing it so you can have kids?

It is likely he will eventually miss intimacy and your relationship will be in trouble. Telling him to sleep with other people is a bit strange.

Sometimes you have to be grown up enough to accept you might love someone but not be compatible with them romantically and that you might be better off being friends.

OldFan · 04/10/2022 23:50

“nice girls” wait until marriage and then shouldn’t enjoy it too much.

I've heard that some people find it hard to 'flick the switch' when it comes to not allowing sex due to religion, to allowing it in marriage.

But I don't think there are any Christian denominations that actually say married women shouldn't enjoy sex, to be fair.

@MeganMeggie I think you've just gone off him. If you can afford therapy (for yourself) it might be worth it to try and see if you can somehow change that as you want the relationship to work, learn more about the reasons and make decisions based on that etc.

Think back to when you first started to go off him. Had he done something that made you cringe/get 'the ick?'

MrsMorrisey · 05/10/2022 00:22

Bit young to go off sex. Normally happens after about 20 years of marriage 😊
Seriously though, it's not a problem now but it will be in the future.

YRGAM · 05/10/2022 09:17

Not to be unkind but you sound like you don't really know what you want, what your preferences and standards are, and what you're looking for out of a relationship. I'd second the poster advising a few sessions of counselling to get to the bottom of your feelings

Flip

1 2 3 4