Love and Sex

[MeganMeggie]

So here is the situation- I'm in a 1.5 year relationship with the most amazing, caring, loving, incredible guy on earth. Our relationship is dynamic, our life goals allign, we see similar future for ourselves, which is marriage in about a year, 1-2 kids, we have similar hobbies, and LOVE spending time with each other - travelling, visiting art museums, etc.

Do I love him?- YES! I love his character, his personality, I love our memories and I love spending time with him. He makes me feel safe and protected, loved and cared for.

The problem is that I am no longer physically attracted to him. Not one bit. That being said - I find him attractive, but I don't want him. I am not only talking about sex - I don't even wanna kiss him.

I am NOT asexual, because in the past I used to want him. And sometimes now other men do turn me on (I do not cheat and we are not in an open relationship, I am just saying moments).

Hence, I don't know what to do. I am afraid this could be an issue if we stay together. I don't know how it will be possible to live together and be a happy family when one partner wants sex and the other does not. But I also do not wanna lose everything we have built together, and the feelings behind, I don't wanna lose him over just the physical stuff.

I am so lost. Please help me decide what I should do.

Thanks a lot in advance.

I can understand completely you not wanting to detonate a relationship with someone you love for this. I think you could have a way forward, I think this would be something you need to be very honest and open with each other about it. If you are open to looking at ways to address the situation then fair play to you. I hope you find your way forward OP, and both you and your partner are happy.

Because I olften blame myself for the no desire, while loving him. I wanted to see if other people had the same and how they coped with it. It was certainly not to hear that I should break up with the love of my life, that is why I mentioned I did not wanna break up in the post itself. I guess I wanted to hear some validation that trying therapy or some techniques helped other people, to get the courage to try it myself. Or idk, hear someone being supportive and just saying they have been through it too and it passes with the time.

thank you very much for the nice words. You know, it's that you care about a person and you also want them to be happy, but you don't know how to do that?
I know he is happy with me, he sayd and shows that all the time. We're an incredible couple, which maybe isn't that visible in the post as the focus is on the one missing element. I also made it sound a little like i am a brutal taker and he just gives, gives, wihch is not true. When I suggested that we could breal up , so that he finds someone sexually more pleasing for him, he basically almost cried, saying that he can;t imagine his life without me, as being with me he had grown personally and emotionally, that i motivate him to be better every day by both beleiving in him and pushing him, that the deep and often political/literary conversations we have have made him get more cultured and started reading true literature, watch news, analyse, etc.
So yes it is the relationship worth fighting for, and if it takes me going out of my comfort zone - be it doing therapy, or courses, or reading books or even medical treatment, I am willing to do that, as is he now - by reserving his sexual urges to keep us together.
And then we will see

“Fornication”, weird biblical word to use that shows some sort of religious aversion to sex, another term is “making love” or “having sex” which is a beautiful thing, bonds couples together and that’s how babies are made. Win win. On the other hand if “fornication” is such an awful thing, something you’d rather ‘not do’ to the point you’ve told your partner to find someone to fill his sexual needs then that’s fine. Sex for me is one of the biggest pillars in a relationship, as important as laughter, comittment and shared values. Horses for courses.

I’ve never fornicated but the way.

while that's practically like raping myself :D - as i mentioned above, i would indeed do that even, if no other choice was left ;)

???

???

what answer do you want, when that is all you understood from it? I am not to justify my culture or my values to anyone. In the post it was mentioned that I did not cheat or even flirt with other man, and not sure what you mean by "testing with other man" it was simply to explain that I am not generally asexual. As if to in what cercumstances was the "test" performed - it would take pages to explain in a way for you to not misinterpret and hence I will restrain.

I am not forced into marriage. A lot of woman never get married and live happily ever after. As I said tho - I WANT TO get married and have kids with THAT MAN, as I LOVE him. I was merely saying that 25 might seem like a kid to some cultures, as the comment suggested, but in my culture it is quite old. Hence trying to eliminate the factor of age, rather than suggest random commentary on how horrible patriarchy is.

Artificial insemination is your friend 😐

It might be for sure. As well as adoption (yes i do not have a problem with that either.) Yet luckily we are not there yet. I was aiming to find ways to get back my sexual drive for my partner, hence bringing back that one last missing pieace of puzzle and making the relationship 100, rather than 85% happy for the both of us. :)

And I also want to apologize for heating up and being quite rude in a comment above, the one with "fornication." Certainly I got defensive, as the goal of the post was to gather feedback on how to "fix me" and I was bombarded by a tremendous amount of unsolicited "breakup" advice. Nevertheless, that was no justification to be rude to a stranger, and for that I am sorry.

@MeganMeggie am not to justify my culture

Did I ask you to justify your culture? Did i even mention your culture? Nope. Don't twist my words OP

"what values where you brought up on" . tc

I’ve mixed thoughts about this.

On the one hand, you’ve discussed this with him and he’s fine with it so, well, that’s great, so I’m not sure what it actually is you’re asking here.

But on the other hand, you also sound like you feel guilty for “going off” him after he’s been there for you through so much and maybe you’re trying to justify a “sexless relationship” as a result of that rather than acknowledging to/within yourself that the relationship in its romantic form has run its course.

I do agree that romance and being IN LOVE isn’t all about sex. But that chemistry and attraction should be there, even if it waxes and wanes (and that is normal in a long term relationship). You mentioned that you don’t even want to kiss him though, and that is a huge indicator that you’ve lost interest in him romantically.
There is something wonderfully emotionally bonding about kissing and cuddling and that doesn’t have to be a precursor to sex. But you don’t even want to KISS him? I can’t help wondering how loved he actually feels (even if he doesn’t voice it to you).

You’ve made it sound like you see him more like a father-figure now than a romantic partner (as in, the father you wish you had).

Tricky one, for sure and I hope you find a way to navigate this that is kind to both of your hearts in the long run. Counselling/talk therapy for either just you or both of you is certainly worth considering.

Let me tell you I have been there. 20 years and kids married to someone o absolutely adored. My best friend, my soul mate and a wonderful marriage. But we pretty much only had sex to have kids. In over 20 years we went years without sex. But everything else was brilliant. We told each other it didn’t matter, our marriage was worth more than that.

bit you know what, in the end it did matter. He was the one who didn’t want it and eventually it ate me up inside, I wanted to be wanted, desired and adored on every level and in time it became a very lonely place to be.

Several years later I have a new partner, we adore each other and I love him with every part of me. We have a wonderful sexual relationship and nothing is more special than the intimacy we have.

your partner tells you now he doesn’t care about the sex and at this moment in time he probably doesn’t but eventually when he really feels you can’t love him and desire him the way he should be then he may and probably will feel differently

Certainly not the sort where I'd lead a man on into a sexless marriage just so I can justify my own need to desperatw need to fit into social norms. And certainly not one where I'd feel the need to test if I had sexual attraction to others while in that sexless relationship. You know, normal, honest-to-god, fair, sincere values that would make me think twice about ruining and wasting someone else's life because I think I should be married and child bearing by a certain age to please other people

If you’re attracted to other guys just NOT to your husband that means you have a normal libido, you just don’t fancy your guy, end of, there’s nothing you can do about it. If on the other hand you don’t feel attracted to other guys at all that means you have a low libido, or maybe you carry some sort of sexual trauma because of something that happened in the past? I don’t know you so have no idea. If low libido or unresolved trauma is the case then therapy is your friend. Sometimes testosterone medication is given to lift up women’s libido. You would need medical advice. Start with your GP and tell him/her, they will send you in the right medical path.

hmmmm yes, the kissing part is what scares me the most too, and that is also what confuses me the most. The thing is that I am not disgusted to kiss him, just it doesnt do anything to me. I just don't feel anything.

He is not a father figure to me, as I have a wonderful family, with the mother and the father I could only hope for, God bless them both.

And my feelings for him are indeed romantic. As a person working in IT 99% of my friends are male and I know what friendship towards a man, and love towards a man are like. This is certainly not just friendship.

BTW, dammit, now that I tried to timline things. as a lot of people suggested above, shit hit the fan approximately after we moved. So we comes from a southern country (Georgia) where there is a sea and the sun, and are currently living in Berlin, which is hell of a cold country. So maybe that could also have an effect? What do you think? Alongside all the stress with the move, looking for apartments, dealing with paperwork, yada yada. Idk but yes, therapy I guess should be step 1 before deciding where to take things. I will start on my own before dragging him into the mess (if I can't get it fixed without him).

Your use of the word “fornication” makes me wonder how sex is considered and talked about in your culture. I’m wondering what messages you’ve been given about sex (eg something only for marriage, for a mans pleasure, a duty). Sex is a wonderful part of being human, it’s not dirty or wrong and being given those messages can really screw with your sexual self - it’s very hard to be turned on if you think sex is in some way impure or deviant behaviour.

I was raised in a very religious culture with clear instruction to girls about their duty to keep themselves for marriage etc so I may be totally projecting but am sharing just in case it’s helpful.

It’s good on the other hand that
you’re fully aware of the issue and trying to fix it because you really really want to make your marriage work. You’re being very proactive about it and that’s a great thing.

Have you tried mastrabating more? Even if it doesn't normally work for you, keep trying it, it might kick start your sex drive

OP you mentioned in the very first post that you used to "want him" but are worried that those feelings have gone.

Have you had an active sex life with him previously? If so, did you enjoy sex with him? Or were you waiting until you were married but no longer feel the same level of lust?

If could be relevant as some times there can be an initial sexual desire but if it's not after on over a prolonged period the desire can fade and you "friend zone" him. In this case you love him but no longer view him in a sexual light

In a sense I used to be quite active but now, yes it's nice, but I much prefer a cuppa tea.

Yes, same. I was brought up in a similar Christian culture about virginity and all that female reservation stuff. But then again, I'm personally not religious...