Love and Sex

[MeganMeggie]

So here is the situation- I'm in a 1.5 year relationship with the most amazing, caring, loving, incredible guy on earth. Our relationship is dynamic, our life goals allign, we see similar future for ourselves, which is marriage in about a year, 1-2 kids, we have similar hobbies, and LOVE spending time with each other - travelling, visiting art museums, etc.

Do I love him?- YES! I love his character, his personality, I love our memories and I love spending time with him. He makes me feel safe and protected, loved and cared for.

The problem is that I am no longer physically attracted to him. Not one bit. That being said - I find him attractive, but I don't want him. I am not only talking about sex - I don't even wanna kiss him.

I am NOT asexual, because in the past I used to want him. And sometimes now other men do turn me on (I do not cheat and we are not in an open relationship, I am just saying moments).

Hence, I don't know what to do. I am afraid this could be an issue if we stay together. I don't know how it will be possible to live together and be a happy family when one partner wants sex and the other does not. But I also do not wanna lose everything we have built together, and the feelings behind, I don't wanna lose him over just the physical stuff.

I am so lost. Please help me decide what I should do.

Thanks a lot in advance.

I’m serious.

You’re creating a rod for your own back.

What age is your boyfriend?

We're both 25.

And you think a 25 year old man is going to stick around without “fucking” (to use his crass word)?

Best of luck, OP.

LEAVE BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN

She won’t be having children if they aren’t having sex so I’m thinking that’s not an issue right now.

I don't think, I am certain about it. For age is nothing. Before him I was dating a 33 year old, with tons of sex, and attraction. It did not last, of course, because the fucking isn't 10% of true love.

Good luck to you as well. I hope for you to one day meet that guy who will stay with you regardless of what his dick says ;)

OP 25 is very young to consign yourself and your partner to a relationship without desire and intimacy. Have you spoken to your GP, there may be a hormone imbalance or some physical reason for your lack of desire which could be easily sorted.

If you chose to stay with this man to settle, you will steal this man years of his life.

And he's only saying yes, because he lives in the hope that you will eventually come around.

Set him free.

for example I tried to see if I get sexually attracted tonew, mysterious, exciting men, and it happened

You sound very naive for 25 years old and controlling too. He deserves to have someone who wants to have a proper full relationship with him willingly.

The only thing that separates a romantic relationship to a friendship is being intimate. Unfortunately you may be soul mates but only as friends, as without the sex, that's all you are.

He seems like an amazing guy and i'm not surprised you want to continue the relationdhip.

But you've only been together for 18 months and you appear to have gone through an awful lot in that - bereavement, attacks and health issues. TBH, I'm not surprised you've lost interest in sex if you've been through all of this in such a short space of time. Of course, after all this emotional turmoil, being the decent man he obviously is, he's not going to tell you he's bothered about sex when your emotional and mental health has taken such a battering recently.

but, come on, he's admitted he wants a sex life with you and i don't think that's an entirely unreasonable want in such a new relationship. Even if he means it now, wouldnt count t on that being the case in a year or 5 years time.

You turned very defensive and aggressive when people offered their opinions that you asked for OP and I honestly don't think asking people on MN their opinions on your sex life should be your priority right now.

I think you should concentrate on seeking out some professional advice to help you sort through all that's being going on lately

I’d take sexless love over empty lust any day.

But long term love can become too comfortable sometimes… almost TOO good. My friend likes partners who by her own admission ‘mess with her head’, it’s like the emotional rollercoaster keeps the lust alive but she never seems to find love and a true connection. So maybe the opposite is true too, if the ride is too gentle you don’t get the scary dips and twists which can drive lust….. if that makes any sense!

Maybe do something which makes you feel super sexy no matter who to kickstart the drive again (like a little jumpstart!). I’ve always wanted to try burlesque, I feel like that would fully do the trick for me!! Once you’ve jump started yourself it’s just a matter of keeping it going (Isaac newton said that ‘An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion’…. Admittedly applied physics is probably not that sexy! But science tend to know stuff, so it may be worth a go! 🙂)

I have not consulted a specialist yet, and I absolutely will. Again, the problem is I think more psychological though, as the sexual desire was there when I tested it with a new guy (to understand myself).

As for the age, it might be a cultural thing, but from where I come from 25 for a woman is quite old actually. Most my friends are married, half with already kids. Now, I know in the West woman are more likely to get married after 30, but where I live you are practically considered "expired" by 25. I don't wanna get into feminist discussions now, or even talk about the right and wrong of the sad societal norms, as I am not going to change that overnight.

The fact remains that I am almost past the age of marriage, and that is another reason I don't wanna lose my current perfect relationship, because my chances of meeting someone new for something long term if I break up now will be close to nominal (as man here prefer younger ladies)

I see posts like this on here regularly with this issue. But they are generally people who have been married a long time, a few kids, life is tough and they wonder if they can continue in a sexless marriage. The advice is usually no, it’s not fair on the party who still wants an active sex life with their partner. For a couple mid 20’s, not yet married or had kids, please don’t do this.

You clearly don’t fancy him anymore and him alone, someone could come along tomorrow and you’d happy have sex with him daily for 20yrs. It’s not that you’ve gone off sex, you just don’t want it with him. A friend of mine did some sex counselling. A few months later she met another guy and left her husband of 6wks for him, she’s incredibly happy a decade on, and enjoys a happy active sex life. It’s not fair living in a relationship where you don’t feel sexually desired, as that’s what makes your relationship more than just platonic. Move on and let this guy find someone who does want to have sex with him

Ah, so there it is. It's because you feel pressure by your family and friends to be married and have children at 25 so you don't want to have to 'start again'. That really does sound like true love OP.

I'd be interested to know what values you were brought up in that expects a woman to be married with children at 25, regardless of either party's long-term happiness, but agrees with one of those parties to 'test' their sexual attraction to someone else. Very scientific indeed. Pray tell what form this sexual 'test' took? Again, all sounds like legit soul mate, all consuming, I want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of love

You are living a líe because you’re not being honest with him. Honesty would be sitting and telling him that he’s the man you want to spend the rest of your life with but that you’re not attracted to him. He really needs to know this, and if you don’t tell you’re totally misleading this man and that’s a shit thing to do.He rather know this before marrying you than after a kid and a mortgage. Do him a favour if you care for him, sit with him and have this conversation.

Yes I think we cross posted.
This just makes me feel sad tbh, sex in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing, it truly is and while of course love exists outside of it I think it would be a very very long time for a sexless relationship as you are so young.
Is this something that has happened much in the past? Forgive the frankness, but do you feel desire on your own?

Sexual incompatibility is a recipe for disaster.

You won't last.

I agree, but the urge to marry and breed usually trumps common sense. This is a good example.

i have already told above that i did. and even suggested breaking up , or allowing him to sleep with other people. he chose to stay.

It is never a good sign and relationships like this never last. The longer you stay the worse it will get to the point where you can't even bear for him to touch you. It's not fair on him, especially if other men are turning you on. Better to end it and find someone else

yes ot both of your questions. And I also think that it is a solvable issue. As when there is love, there is a way.

if your common sense is that fornication is above trust, love, care, understanding, compassion, empathy, fun, adventure, trave, supporting each other throgh careers, great shared time, than yes, I pray to God I never have common sense ;)

TC sad lady.

It would be incredibly cruel to stay with him and very selfish. I'd be devastated if someone settled down with me yet didn't even want to kiss me.

if you guys have “laid the cards on the table” then all is good, you’re both on the same page and he knows what to expect.Kudos for you for being honest, he deserves it.

what’s the point of this thread then? Sorry just curious.