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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I meddle?

123 replies

Mxdupmillie · 02/10/2022 13:15

My husbands childhood friend is getting married next month and he has been asked to be the best man. I know the bride, but wouldn’t say we are close, we have little to do with each other and tbh I find her hard work.
DH went off on the stag do last weekend, and came back with a bombshell. Whilst very very drunk, the groom to be, confessed to my DH that he has been having a long term affair for a couple of years (only my DH heard this, they were in the hotel room they were sharing) However, he has every intention of going through with the wedding (he loves his bride to be the OW is just wild in bed!!)
My DH is horrified, has no idea how he can be the best man at this farce, but equally has no idea how to get out of it. Also suspects the OW will be at the night party as she is a work colleague of the groom and could potentially cause a scene.
We seem to have taken this on and it’s eating us. Do we tell the bride? Do we talk the groom and ask him to cancel the wedding? Do we make an excuse and not attend? Do we shut our mouths and smile and through it?
Help!!

OP posts:
Honeylover333 · 03/10/2022 12:04

I think the best thing is for your DH to stand down as best man, and you both stay away from the wedding. DH and the bridegroom fell out, if you don’t want to say anything more.

God, I don’t know. What a mess. It’s only a problem for you and DH because you are decent people and good friends. Best of luck to you (and the bride).

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 13:46

@Mxdupmillie, this innocent woman deserves to know this crucial information about her own life.

I wouldn’t sit by and allow her to be harmed.

Chapo · 03/10/2022 16:11

ichimedin · 02/10/2022 23:27

het up? Don’t be ridiculous. She’s right. It makes no sense saying keep out of it while also saying you’d want to be told Confused

Show quote history

Are you quite well? I don't know why you've decided to send a rude reply to me when the conversation doesn't involve you.

How doesn't it make any sense?
In the OPs position I wouldn't say anything, for fear of it backfiring on me, causing trouble/drama and also to throw a bombshell into this woman's life. Especially when she's not someone who I'm close to.
You know what they say about the messenger.
If anyone should say anything, it should be OPs DH, since it's his childhood friend.

BUT, if I was the wife, I'd want to know. Of course I would want to know before I married him.
But whether anyone would tell me or not is another story and that's completely up to them. They might not want to be the messenger or bearer of bad news to someone they hardly know or aren't close to. I wouldn't call them odd for it either.

HTH 🖕

genuinelyaskingforafriend · 03/10/2022 16:31

I think your husband should tell him that he can't be best man because of this and you won't be at the wedding. He should also tell the groom that his future wife needs to be told why!

Original poster
Mxdupmillie · 03/10/2022 18:33

Update, DH messaged the groom to say that he could no longer be best man and we would not be attending the wedding. I messaged bride, as not sure groom would tell her. Did not give her a reason, just said we were sorry and good luck for the future. She messaged back wanting to know why, very late notice, very selfish of us blah blah. I said something happened on stag do and we weren't comfortable attending. Anyway...the best bit....she confronted the groom, who span her an amazing story about how my DH had been unfaithful on stag do and I'd found out and we had a major row and are not speaking and on the point if separating!!! Bloody hell. This lie is now being repeated to all our friends. I've had loads of messages all day from concerned girlfriends checking I'm ok! This is insanity. How the hell did it happen?? I am so mad, I'm gonna just blow the lid on it, but now it looks like some weird revenge move😱

OP posts:
Jota67 · 03/10/2022 18:35

What a cheek!!!
He is a real piece of work

HairyMothballs · 03/10/2022 18:38

I think the poor woman should be told (it could be done anonymously but definitely name the OW). Your husband, I think, should tell his mate that he won't be the best man and that neither of you will attend the wedding if it goes ahead.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 18:39

Oh wow his mate is an absolute cunt.

I'm not one for drama but in this situation I would have to speak to the group involved individually (not publicly as I know some people will suggest a big Facebook post or group chat etc but I think that is sinking to their level) asap to nip this in the bud and very factually explain what happened (without getting drawn into gossiping about it) as you've now been cast as the 'scorned woman' when your DH has done the decent thing and you're not even involved!

Does your DH have any messages with the guy backing up what actually happened? I would only consider sharing them with the bride to be if she continues to gossip about you, so that at least you know she knows it's bollocks.

Good on your DH for making a stand and I'm glad you're a team.

I'm so angry for you!

Cornflakegirll · 03/10/2022 18:45

Now's your time to put it right... honestly just tell her, he's forced your hand here.

Tell her what you know and say she needs to investigate and work the rest out.

girlmom21 · 03/10/2022 18:49

Tell everyone the truth.

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 18:49

You’ve been sabotaged after dealing with the manipulative lying snake instead of directly informing the betrayed woman. I would immediately contact her and tell her the whole truth.

Original poster
Mxdupmillie · 03/10/2022 19:01

I just feel sick. Feel like rumours are flying (about the wrong couple!), mud sticks. I told my best friend that I was fine and it was all untrue.....and she told me I didnt have to put a brave face on!! Jeez. This is just unbelievably ridiculous. I dont even care about whether the stupid wedding goes ahead now, I'm trying to save my friendships and DHs reputation.....whilst being accused of being a doormat. People are actually offering me spare rooms if I need to leave him. I cannot quite grasp how this escalated.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/10/2022 19:02

Bloody hell that's low! To wreck the reputation and people's understanding of who your dh is to save his own skin!!! This lifelong friend had thrown him under the bus good and proper and dragged you into it when you were put in such an impossible position and did the last you could do to avoid drama and retain a shred of integrity.
Wow. He's devoid of any morals isn't he!!

Unwaxedlemons · 03/10/2022 19:08

Id be telling every one that someone is cheating but its not your husband.
Do not let him get away with this.

Absolutely scummy behaviour

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/10/2022 19:10

Yep. You need to stay calm and do not flail. The louder you shout the more suspect it will look. You need to take everyone aside and have a quiet word.

Your dh must be gutted, this friend has crapped on him from a great height, for some idiotic choice he didn't even ask to know about.

Omg the mess.

Original poster
Mxdupmillie · 03/10/2022 19:11

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/10/2022 19:02

Bloody hell that's low! To wreck the reputation and people's understanding of who your dh is to save his own skin!!! This lifelong friend had thrown him under the bus good and proper and dragged you into it when you were put in such an impossible position and did the last you could do to avoid drama and retain a shred of integrity.
Wow. He's devoid of any morals isn't he!!

I know. We are just numb. Trying to get through tea and bedtime with kids, we will talk later. I was always wary of the groom, bit cocky, full of himself. Lots of short lived relationships when younger, but he seemed to be settling down and DH thought the world of him, good laugh, life and soul etc. I think we just need to tell everyone the truth, loudly. Cant see why we should protect/defend him. I genuinely dont care if I never see him again.....in fact it's probably best I dont cos I'll throw something!

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 03/10/2022 19:11

It’s time to tell her. Just tell her you were really hoping that his hand would be forced, and it was better coming from him.

He’s made the situation worse for himself.

They may shoot the messenger, but the truth always comes out in the end.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 19:13

Does you DH have any messages that prove what happened?

Because while I'm usually the anti drama person on these threads, I really would be sending them to her right now and saying you'll be doing so to everyone who has been told this lie about your DH.

If I was your DH I would be absolutely fucking gutted. His best friend. Jesus Christ what a sociopath this bloke is. Properly nasty.

GoogleUser · 03/10/2022 19:23

You and your husband were courteous and handled the situation discreetly and this is how he behaves?! Dragging you both into his messed up world in an attempt to save his own skin is just nuts! It's time to take the gloves off and protect the reputation of your marriage.

Tell her everything.

He doesn't deserve any discretion now. Could your husband call/message him to confront him about his lies, now they directly impact you... get him to admit he's the one that's been having the affair. You could record it and play it to her/show her the messages. This guy has no respect for his bride-to-be, his friend or marriage.

Please keep us updated and I hope you're able to stop the rumour Mill regarding your marriage.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 19:24

He doesn't deserve any discretion now. Could your husband call/message him to confront him about his lies, now they directly impact you... get him to admit he's the one that's been having the affair. You could record it and play it to her/show her the messages. This guy has no respect for his bride-to-be, his friend or marriage.

This is a good shout.

How dare he, fucking hell your poor DH must be so gutted.

Original poster
Mxdupmillie · 03/10/2022 19:49

Thanks for all your support, I feel like I'm living in a soap opera! DH and I will sit down later and discuss options, DH is just a bit numb, has been since the stag do. Knew his mate had been a bit of a player in his youth but thought he'd settled since meeting his fiancee, gutted to find out about this long standing affair/arrangement ( I dont even know what to call it). I alternate from wanting to stick my head in the sand and hide for 6 months, to wanting to go and tell hlthe scum what I think of his cheating, lying, manipulative, skanky ways.

OP posts:
Honeylover333 · 03/10/2022 19:52

He’s an idiot, because he’ll look even worse when the truth comes out.

Forfrigz · 03/10/2022 20:02

Poor woman. She'll be devastated. But she'll be even more devastated to find out potentially many years into marriage, especially since he is unlikely to change his ways if he sees he can get away with it. She deserves someone who respects her.

tableanadchairs · 03/10/2022 20:14

Send them all a link to this thread- they will see the time line for themselves

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 20:27

The betrayed woman still needs to hear the truth.