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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I meddle?

123 replies

Mxdupmillie · 02/10/2022 13:15

My husbands childhood friend is getting married next month and he has been asked to be the best man. I know the bride, but wouldn’t say we are close, we have little to do with each other and tbh I find her hard work.
DH went off on the stag do last weekend, and came back with a bombshell. Whilst very very drunk, the groom to be, confessed to my DH that he has been having a long term affair for a couple of years (only my DH heard this, they were in the hotel room they were sharing) However, he has every intention of going through with the wedding (he loves his bride to be the OW is just wild in bed!!)
My DH is horrified, has no idea how he can be the best man at this farce, but equally has no idea how to get out of it. Also suspects the OW will be at the night party as she is a work colleague of the groom and could potentially cause a scene.
We seem to have taken this on and it’s eating us. Do we tell the bride? Do we talk the groom and ask him to cancel the wedding? Do we make an excuse and not attend? Do we shut our mouths and smile and through it?
Help!!

OP posts:
Cosycover · 02/10/2022 15:16

I would tell her anonymously.

SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 15:16

Oh heavens above! This is an awful dilemma it really is.

That poor bride to be will be looking forward to her dream day and the groom is having an affair.

It could be that he's fessed up as a way of backing out?! Your husband ideally needs to be the one to chat to him, find out more and lay it all on the table as so to speak. He is the groom to he's confidant on this bombshell.

I agree with above comments that attending the wedding with be tough, personally I couldn't. I would feel a hypercrite. I genuinely don't think your husband can keep quiet and carry on as best man given the confession by the groom. Such an awful position for your husband and you to be in to be honest.

I would want to know if I was the bride to be, the groom needs to come clean, if he won't then really I personally would anonymously leak this affair before the wedding, otherwise he's making a complete mockery of her. Gawd what a rat he is.

Original poster
Mxdupmillie · 02/10/2022 15:20

hettyhoovered · 02/10/2022 15:03

I also would find a way to tell her anonymously. At the least I would get DH to tell his friend he needs to come clean to his bride to be. There is no way either of us would attend the wedding now knowing that - I just couldn't sit there and smile through it knowing that, to say or do nothing and let the bride make the biggest mistake of her life would be incredibly cruel.

This is how I feel. I really think she needs to know so she has the chance to confront him and make an informed decision. But I’m not close to her, she would think it very odd if I rock up and tell her this, probably wouldn’t believe me. DH did try to discuss it with his mate, but his mate got aggressive and DH was told never to mention it again (obviously once sober groom realised that bragging about his wild shag piece wasn’t such a clever move!!)
Tipping the bride off anonymously doesn’t really work, groom would obvs know it was us.
Whichever way you look at it, it’s never going to be the same again. DH can’t look his mate in the eye.
I reckon we just pull out of the wedding, lose the friendship and watch what happens. But there is a whole friendship group that will want to know why these 2 guys who’ve been besties for ever aren’t speaking. We’re gonna be in such an awkward position. Feels so unfair, didn’t ask for this but whatever happens we’re gonna lose friends.

OP posts:
SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 15:23

Can't believe some people think you should both stay out of it. This bombshell has dragged you into it and it's clearly eating away at you both.

I think your husband just needs to be honest to his mate and say 'look, I can no longer be your best man. I don't agree that it's fair for you to get married to (InSert NaMe)whilst you are having an affair, I understand nobody else knows and you were able to open up to me, but I'm really not comfortable knowing what you've told me and stand at the altar as your best man as it goes against my beliefs of what marriage is about'.

SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 15:27

Sorry I typed my last message before I seen Ur last one.

Well if groom to be got aggressive then it shows his true colours. It will hurt losing friends, but pulling out of this wedding is the right decision. If your mutual friends ask, tell them the real reason. Don't lie, be truthful. If they are good friends they will realise the awkward situation that your husband has been out in and hopefully they'll have the same morals as you and realise what a sham it all is.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 02/10/2022 15:28

I would pull out of the wedding. Sounds like the friendship is over. And when other people ask, I would say something was said on the stag do and you can’t support it but you’re also not going to get involved

TequilaNights · 02/10/2022 15:33

I'd tell her, at the very least I would pull out of the wedding.

She is walking into a wedding with a cheating soon to be husband completely blind, and now people know, remember the poor lady on here?

Nobody deserves that.

Batiqueattic · 02/10/2022 15:36

Apart from very good moral reasons to tell her, I just couldn't not be arsed sitting through a farce of a wedding, spending my precious time smiling & pretending. And for what? To help cover up for a lying, cheating arsehole?

I absolutely hate it if / when people tell me they're having an affair. I always think " What on earth makes you think I want to complicit in your deceit? Why do you assume I'm on your side?"
I wouldn't care a toss about losing this aggressive, narcissistic bragart as a friend & nor should your husband be. Easy for me to say, I know but I would absolutely tell the bride. How could you live with yourself if you go along with this cruel deceit?

altmember · 02/10/2022 15:40

Your dh needs to have a chat with the groom and tell him to sort his shit out (at the very least end the affair and make sure OW isn't at the wedding), ideally he comes clean to his wife to be. Or else he won't be best man.

OldFan · 02/10/2022 16:10

Oh wow @Mxdupmillie I would definitely let her know somehow. There's no way she should be married him if she were fully informed (or at least, if she still did, at least she'd be making an informed decision.

Totalityloss · 02/10/2022 16:14

clpsmum · 02/10/2022 13:22

I can't believe people are staying out of it. Please do not stay out of it. Do not let this poor woman go through with the wedding. I would tell her if I were you.

Yup this. Don’t let this woman’s life be fucked up because ‘you shouldn’t meddle’.

reelcat · 02/10/2022 16:27

Tell her and pull out of the wedding. I would want to know. And if she chooses to go ahead then at least she does it with her eyes opened.

theresnouseingrumpin · 02/10/2022 16:30

I would politely tell her, show her this thread even. Make her believe u

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 02/10/2022 16:36

I'd bounce this problem back to the groom.
Your DH should tell him that you're both really distressed by this, not sure you can go to the wedding, not sure you can let the bride make that commitment knowing what you know, that being best man is now incredibly difficult and see what the groom does/says about it.

Quveas · 02/10/2022 16:39

If it's good enough for the King, then why not?

Imissmoominmama · 02/10/2022 16:43

I wouldn’t go to the wedding. The friendship would be over. Let the groom come up with a reason to his fiancée.

Taking such a stand might shake him up a bit, plus he knows that information is out there now.

RedHelenB · 02/10/2022 16:59

Can you tip the bride off anonymously ?

urbanbuddha · 02/10/2022 17:00

I think your husband just needs to be honest to his mate and say 'look, I can no longer be your best man. I don't agree that it's fair for you to get married to (InSert NaMe)whilst you are having an affair, I understand nobody else knows and you were able to open up to me, but I'm really not comfortable knowing what you've told me and stand at the altar as your best man as it goes against my beliefs of what marriage is about'.

I think this is the best response no matter that the groom got aggressive the next day. Your DH should email him. He should also tell him why he's emailing instead of speaking to him about it.

OldFan · 02/10/2022 17:06

I think your husband just needs to be honest to his mate and say 'look, I can no longer be your best man. I don't agree that it's fair for you to get married to (InSert NaMe)whilst you are having an affair, I understand nobody else knows and you were able to open up to me, but I'm really not comfortable knowing what you've told me and stand at the altar as your best man as it goes against my beliefs of what marriage is about'.

The problem is unless something's also said to the would-be bride, she's going to end up marrying someone who's been cheating on her for years. The groom will just lie and invent a reason why OP and her DH aren't coming.

GoogleUser · 02/10/2022 17:16

The bride-to-be deserves to know. Telling her, as soon as possible, is only only right thing to do.
The pain it will cause, and the friendships it will ruin, are irrelevant.
Be strong and let her know. If you both stay quiet, that says a lot about your morals and values.

Wafflesnsniffles · 02/10/2022 17:23

I would tell her. Because I would want to know if I was her.

If you dont and she somehow finds out later that you knew........... how will you feel then, knowing that you knew and her knowing that you knew.
Tell her.

Minimalme · 02/10/2022 17:25

For me it would be fairly clear - I couldn't be friends with a person who was unfaithful.

I would end the friendship and drop a note to the bride to be suggesting she ask her fiancé why I was no longer coming to the wedding.

moose62 · 02/10/2022 17:35

I think you should pull out of the wedding and is any friends ask why be honest....you dont have to name names, just say that the groom isnt the man you thought he was.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 17:42

How would you feel if you'd married a cheat and his best friends girlfriend new and hadn't told you?

I'd certainly want to know.

Whatever happens, the friendship needs to end.

If you're not in a position to tell her, are you friends with anyone who's closer to her who would be certain to tell her? I don't think you should be gossiping and I think your husband should tell her himself so it's not Chinese whispers, but if he's not prepared to do that hopefully someone else will.

Whatever happens, he can't be best man if he believes in marriage.

Darbs76 · 02/10/2022 17:49

Don’t stay out of it. I’d do something, either let the poor woman know or tell the friend he tells her or you do. Either way he probably doesn’t want to be friends with someone like him. Least then you have done the right thing

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