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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I meddle?

123 replies

Mxdupmillie · 02/10/2022 13:15

My husbands childhood friend is getting married next month and he has been asked to be the best man. I know the bride, but wouldn’t say we are close, we have little to do with each other and tbh I find her hard work.
DH went off on the stag do last weekend, and came back with a bombshell. Whilst very very drunk, the groom to be, confessed to my DH that he has been having a long term affair for a couple of years (only my DH heard this, they were in the hotel room they were sharing) However, he has every intention of going through with the wedding (he loves his bride to be the OW is just wild in bed!!)
My DH is horrified, has no idea how he can be the best man at this farce, but equally has no idea how to get out of it. Also suspects the OW will be at the night party as she is a work colleague of the groom and could potentially cause a scene.
We seem to have taken this on and it’s eating us. Do we tell the bride? Do we talk the groom and ask him to cancel the wedding? Do we make an excuse and not attend? Do we shut our mouths and smile and through it?
Help!!

OP posts:
ChampagneCamping · 02/10/2022 18:15

You forget it’s possible the affair woman has told one or two people too…

However I’d ask him to tell his fiancé so that she can make an informed decision about wether to go ahead with the wedding or not.

ChampagneCamping · 02/10/2022 18:16

If he fails to tell her, I would inform her myself

OldFan · 02/10/2022 18:59

I would end the friendship and drop a note to the bride to be suggesting she ask her fiancé why I was no longer coming to the wedding.

He will lie of course.

Catlover1970 · 02/10/2022 20:14

Don’t tell her. It’s not your secret to tell

Aconitum · 02/10/2022 20:24

You know that bit in the wedding ceremony where they ask " if anyone knows any just cause or impediment.........."

Seriously though, your DH needs to tell his mate he won't be his best man and you won't be coming to the wedding. Your other friends will probably find out the reason soon enough.

walnutchocolates · 02/10/2022 20:28

Would you tell your daughter? Would you want to know? Of course you would! Tell her

loveyoutothemoon · 02/10/2022 20:31

Someone has got to tell her. Your DH needs to speak to the tosser again!

Redqueenheart · 02/10/2022 20:48

You should stay out of it but your husband should take this further.

He should have said on the spot that he will not attend the wedding in these circumstances and that he is no longer the best man and that he is advising the groom to come clean to his partner or he will tell her directly.

So if the groom refuses to be honest then your husband will have to act and tell her.

I would also end the friendship over this regardless.

To the people who are saying ignore it: that's really cowardly. No one should be deceived like this. The fact that the OP is not that fond of her is irrelevant.

Grumpusaurus · 02/10/2022 21:00

I would expect my DH to pull out of the wedding and not be complicit in this farce. How disgusting of this so called friend to lay this burden on your poor partner. I would probably tell the bride because this isn't just a mistake or short term fling but massive, massive betrayal.

Lalauna · 02/10/2022 21:21

oh my word this is such a difficult dilemma I feel for you both. What an arsehole to land that on your other half, wtf did he expect? Why did he decide to tell him?? It’s so selfish. I agree with the above saying about not agreeing to be best man anymore, the guy who’s getting married then can think of his own lie to tell the reason you are not there

is your other half friendly with the bride to be too? If he is then I think he’s got the right to tell her, but other than that just don’t go

the guy getting married is such an arsehole

ichimedin · 02/10/2022 23:27

Chapo · 02/10/2022 13:55

What's odd is how het up you are about a stranger's post on the internet.

Show quote history

het up? Don’t be ridiculous. She’s right. It makes no sense saying keep out of it while also saying you’d want to be told Confused

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 05:36

Millie, please tell the bride. It’s the right thing to do. She is currently in the dark while this lying cheat is making a fool of her and jeopardizing her health.

Danceswithwhippets · 03/10/2022 06:16

walnutchocolates · 02/10/2022 20:28

Would you tell your daughter? Would you want to know? Of course you would! Tell her

A man's opinion here.
This was exactly my reaction too. The question to ask is "would I want my sister/daughter to marry this man?".
Not difficult to answer.
But the really difficult question is whether your DH should just withdraw from the wedding, after telling the groom why, or whether your DH/you should tell the bride the reason why. The groom won't tell his bride why his friend is withdrawing so the wedding would then go ahead, but if the bride is told why then the wedding would be off and your DH would be right in front of the fan and the flying shit.

Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 06:30

I think I would contact the woman and tell her that you and dh will not be attending the wedding because of what her dp said on the stag do. I’d tell her what was said. She needs to know, the poor woman.

and then dh can deal with the shit storm from his mate. All dh has to say is that he, unlike his mate, values marriage and therefore does not lie to his wife. And unfortunately for him his wife decided to tell the bride.

End of the day his mate is the one who will have hurt this woman beyond belief, because he wanted his wild sex on tap. He obviously can’t love her and is basically a shit human being. If it was my best friend who’d confessed this I’d want nothing more to do with them anyway.

by not saying anything you are protecting the cheating piece of shit instead of protecting the person he is hurting.

yes it will be messy. Yes she’ll be devastated. But that’s no reason to keep it quiet. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew what this poor woman was walking into and didn’t do anything to warn her.

ParentallyUnprepared · 03/10/2022 06:32

He might suspect you but he doesn't know who the ""shag piece" has told so send the bride an anonymous letter and then deny, deny, deny.

Don't even tell your husband you've done it.

Lunabun · 03/10/2022 06:39

My mother was told by a friend with that she'd spotted by dad with another woman. My mum didn't believe her, and cut off the friendship.

Years later my mum is so grateful and thinks very highly of that woman, and my mum has apologised to her.

So yes it might all get turned on you. It doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

OperaStation · 03/10/2022 07:00

Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 15:02

I’d tell her.

Awful that there are people on here who think it’s ok to just leave her in ignorance. Poor woman.

She needs to make an informed decision.

This.

The chances are they will have children after they get married. Far better to find out now and not put children through a messy divorce.

GreyCarpet · 03/10/2022 07:21

Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 06:30

I think I would contact the woman and tell her that you and dh will not be attending the wedding because of what her dp said on the stag do. I’d tell her what was said. She needs to know, the poor woman.

and then dh can deal with the shit storm from his mate. All dh has to say is that he, unlike his mate, values marriage and therefore does not lie to his wife. And unfortunately for him his wife decided to tell the bride.

End of the day his mate is the one who will have hurt this woman beyond belief, because he wanted his wild sex on tap. He obviously can’t love her and is basically a shit human being. If it was my best friend who’d confessed this I’d want nothing more to do with them anyway.

by not saying anything you are protecting the cheating piece of shit instead of protecting the person he is hurting.

yes it will be messy. Yes she’ll be devastated. But that’s no reason to keep it quiet. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew what this poor woman was walking into and didn’t do anything to warn her.

This.

I couldn't be party to this wedding knowing this. The friend will have ruined everything. Not the OP and her husband.

ShandaLear · 03/10/2022 07:40

You let her know one way or another. If I was getting married I would absolutely want to know. How can you let a woman go into a marriage where you know she is being cheated on? And how can you let that absolute skank of a man do that to another woman?

rainbowstardrops · 03/10/2022 08:52

Your husband needs to talk to the piece of shit his friend and tell him that he needs to tell the bride-to- be. It's totally unfair to let her walk into this marriage without her eyes open.
Otherwise pull out of Best Man duties and don't go to the wedding.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/10/2022 11:43

My DH is horrified, has no idea how he can be the best man at this farce, but equally has no idea how to get out of it.

Easy.
"Mate, we've been friends forever, but I can't condone this farce - I'm stepping down as best man as I won't be able to look your bride in the eye, knowing you are shagging your OW."

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 11:45

Mxdupmillie · 02/10/2022 13:19

How? Do we go and pretend like everything’s normal? Seems dishonest. Do we pull out? People will want to know why. We’re in it whether we like it or not!

Show quote history

It could have been a drunken brag or not true at all , or your also drunken oh has got the wrong end of the stick.

Keep out

KettrickenSmiled · 03/10/2022 11:49

DH did try to discuss it with his mate, but his mate got aggressive and DH was told never to mention it again (obviously once sober groom realised that bragging about his wild shag piece wasn’t such a clever move!!)
Fucksake.
Does DH even want to stay friends with this awful man?

Whichever way you look at it, it’s never going to be the same again. DH can’t look his mate in the eye.
The friendship is ruined, surely?

I reckon we just pull out of the wedding, lose the friendship and watch what happens.
Not much else you can do - the bride is unlikely to believe you, & you're going to worry about overstepping if you do tell her.

But there is a whole friendship group that will want to know why these 2 guys who’ve been besties for ever aren’t speaking.
"You'll have to ask (Groom) about that ..."
OR - just speak up & tell it like it is.
This is the trouble with toxic secrets - they are shaming to carry on behalf of another - but also shaming to spill.
Although I suspect when DH pulls out of the wedding, the cat will eventually, reluctantly, come out of the bag. DH isn't the only one who know the secret - OW might even pre-empt this wedding herself by spilling the beans to the bride-to-be ...

We’re gonna be in such an awkward position. Feels so unfair, didn’t ask for this but whatever happens we’re gonna lose friends.
Anyone who dumps you as a mate for refusing to condone the Groom's nastiness isn't worth having.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/10/2022 11:51

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 11:45

It could have been a drunken brag or not true at all , or your also drunken oh has got the wrong end of the stick.

Keep out

Show quote history

Really, @maddy68 ? Just go along with it? Playact being friends for a whole day, look the bride in the eye all day, knowing that you are party to a devastating secret?

What are you like?

Honeylover333 · 03/10/2022 11:59

Sorry OP, I don’t know what to advise. But what an awful situation he’s put you and your DH in, not to mention the bride he’s cheating.

Do they have children? A woman I know dumped her partner just before the wedding when she found out he’d met and shagged a woman while away from home on his stag weekend. He refused to stop seeing the OW, but was amazed when his fiancee cancelled the wedding.

Sadly though, I believe she and their children were left financially worse off than if she’d gone through with the wedding and dumped him later. She was too honest, couldn’t stand at the altar and lie.