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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex husband remarried yesterday...

115 replies

BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:11

OK. Separated a decade ago. She was the OW but, tbh, our marriage was dead - anything he said to her about no sex and sleeping separately had been a truth long before she appeared on the scene. We were both unhappy and he just happened to meet someone and fall in love.

They married yesterday. Our daughter was a bridesmaid and my son (his stepson) also attended. They've v close and he's always been the 'real dad'.

Things are amicable between him and me. Co-parent and appropriately supportive of each other. I've met her a couple of times and it's been civil and 'friendly'. No issues, no problems, no conflict. He and I were school friends/best friends for 10 years before we made the mistake of getting together.

I genuinely wish them well and am happy for them.

So, to the point of my post.

She has shared photos taken at the wedding on fb this morning. As we have a couple of mutual friends, these posts have appeared on my timeline.

There are maybe half a dozen or so photos with my children on. Some group ones, some of my ex, new wife and them, a lovely one of my son and daughter and they look gorgeous.

Would it be appropriate to 'like' them? I don't want to comment, would only like a couple of the children, maybe the one of all four of them.

My intention would be to communicate that I wish them well and the kids look great but, if it's going to be met with, "WTF is she doing liking the wedding photos??" and cause upset rather than, "Oh, look, their mum has liked the pics. That's nice," then I won't.

My partner thinks I should because his ex and he like photos the others have posted of their children (they aren't friends but are both friends with the children). He can't see a problem. Just thought I'd see what the MN consensus is! Thanks.

OP posts:
sevsnrems · 02/10/2022 11:14

I think it would be lovely to like the pictures. It's always so refreshing and wonderful when exes are happy for one another and the children aren't caught in the middle.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2022 11:14

I wouldn’t engage with the photos if you’re not fb friends with them and have seen them only because of mutual friends.

You’re very honest and insightful. I hope you’re happy with your DP and it’s great you all get on okay.

CheezePleeze · 02/10/2022 11:17

If you have reservations then just don't do it.

I mean it's not like anyone expects you to because it's not like they were posted on your timeline and you're ignoring them if you see what I mean?

Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:19

I'd only like them because they are my children and my daughter looked so beautiful because of the way she'd been included as a bridesmaid. I'm helping her dry her bouquet so she can keep it forever, she has a silk dressing gown with her name on it and shared it all excitedly with me when she got home. I'm pleased my son was included.

I don't feel any animosity at all and neither does he.

OP posts:
baky · 02/10/2022 11:21

I wouldn't

HaggisBurger · 02/10/2022 11:21

I think it’s fine to - when it’s clearly amicable and a long ago split. Say something nice rather than just liking tho
My sister is on v friendly terms with her partner’s exW. My sis recently had a baby and both the exW and her parents commented so warmly on photos of the baby & the fact that their child / grandchild now had a sibling. It was lovely to witness.
there can’t be too much positivity in the world!

Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:21

I just don't want to cause upset or irritation around what was obviously a beautiful and happy day. He deserves that happiness.

Tbh, I messaged him about a month ago wishing them both well and a lovely day. So that I wasn't the ex wife messaging the night before the wedding.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 02/10/2022 11:22

Ps: you sound lovely!!

Sleepymum5O · 02/10/2022 11:22

I think it’s perfectly natural as a mother to look on face book for photos of your own children that were at a wedding.

Otherwise can you ask the dad to just send photos of the children.

Maybe you have already done so, but a card to the couple from you.

Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:23

HaggisBurger · 02/10/2022 11:21

I think it’s fine to - when it’s clearly amicable and a long ago split. Say something nice rather than just liking tho
My sister is on v friendly terms with her partner’s exW. My sis recently had a baby and both the exW and her parents commented so warmly on photos of the baby & the fact that their child / grandchild now had a sibling. It was lovely to witness.
there can’t be too much positivity in the world!

I'm not sure his family would get it but he wouldn't mind I don't think. Just don't want to upset her that's all. I've only met her twice. She was out with my daughter one time and we bumped into each other. That was weird!

OP posts:
waterSpider · 02/10/2022 11:24

Liking the ones with children certainly seems fine to me.

Koffee123786 · 02/10/2022 11:25

If you yourself genuinely like the photo then like or love the photo. It really isn't a big deal. I do feel that in this day an age we over think and over complicate things. You have said you have an amicable relationship with your ex and you don't really have a problem with her. So like the photo. Write congratulations if you so wish. Write on the photo of your kids that they look beautiful. There is nothing wrong with it. If your ex and partner did not wish for people to comment or like a photo the would have changed their privacy settings. But they haven't.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/10/2022 11:26

I’d send a private message to say that you seen some pics on Fb and the day looks lovely, hope they enjoyed it and wish them well.

i wouldn’t do it publicly because other people are drama llamas who will create a thing out of a non thing. Don’t provide the fuel.

Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:27

He did send me a photo of the children but the ones she has posted are so lovely!

She has a lovely relationship with our daughter especially because she was so much younger when they got together.

My son was old enough to get the implications of an affair and saw more clearly how we were impacted by the change in our lifestyles. But none of that bothers me. We are both happier.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:27

i wouldn’t do it publicly because other people are drama llamas who will create a thing out of a non thing. Don’t provide the fuel.

I think you've just articulated my concern really well. Tbh.

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 11:28

NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/10/2022 11:26

I’d send a private message to say that you seen some pics on Fb and the day looks lovely, hope they enjoyed it and wish them well.

i wouldn’t do it publicly because other people are drama llamas who will create a thing out of a non thing. Don’t provide the fuel.

Yes this sounds a lovely thing to do

Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:28

If your ex and partner did not wish for people to comment or like a photo the would have changed their privacy settings. But they haven't.

That is also true.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 02/10/2022 11:31

I would. As you said the picture is of your children and their extended family.

I think it would mean a lot to your kids to have the reassurance of you liking the pic.

Honestly I would give none of the hula hoops what anyone else thought.

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 11:33

If you do like it definitely send the message too

KezzabellaB · 02/10/2022 11:37

I think it's fine if it was an amicable split and a long time ago. Especially if you're liking photos of your own children. Might be a bit weird if you starting 'loving' all the photos of the bride and groom but I genuinely wouldn't think anything if I saw this on a friend's page

Trisolaris · 02/10/2022 11:38

I’d say nothing wrong with liking the ones of your children, possibly liking the ones with all four of them might feel a bit intrusive.

ElEmEnOhPee · 02/10/2022 11:42

I would probably like but comment too so that it couldn't be misconstrued by anyone else as passive aggressive (people can be dicks). Just comment and say congratulations, you all looked lovely and the kids had a fabulous day celebrating their special day with them.

MuckyPlucky · 02/10/2022 11:44

Absolutely I’d ‘like’ the photos if I wanted to and were in your position. Tbh I was in a very similar position last year. My exH remarried the much younger ‘OW’ after a few years of us just having lived as friends. She’s amazing with our DC’s (who were a big part of their wedding) and they invited me and my DP to their special day. I was touched we were invited and we all had a really special day together. My DP got on well with my ex-IL’s, I got on really well with my ex-H’s new mother-in-law…me, exH and our new partners had a great time as a 4, and the kids were at the centre.
I took a really nice photo of the bride, groom and our DC’s on the day which I later had printed on mugs for Xmas for them. They loved them.

My thoughts are - if you all genuinely bear no grudges (which you evidently don’t OP) then just act instinctively and from what is a genuine place.

feckoffbrian · 02/10/2022 11:44

I think there is nothing wrong with liking the photos. In fact, I would find it quite refreshing that ex's can behave like... adults.

I would also send a card and a bottle of fizz wishing them happiness.

Marineboy67 · 02/10/2022 11:45

Personally no, by doing nothing you attract no negativity. You can guarantee someone somewhere will have something to say. And that's with the genuine intentions by yourself. Leave it where it is.

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