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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex husband remarried yesterday...

115 replies

BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:11

OK. Separated a decade ago. She was the OW but, tbh, our marriage was dead - anything he said to her about no sex and sleeping separately had been a truth long before she appeared on the scene. We were both unhappy and he just happened to meet someone and fall in love.

They married yesterday. Our daughter was a bridesmaid and my son (his stepson) also attended. They've v close and he's always been the 'real dad'.

Things are amicable between him and me. Co-parent and appropriately supportive of each other. I've met her a couple of times and it's been civil and 'friendly'. No issues, no problems, no conflict. He and I were school friends/best friends for 10 years before we made the mistake of getting together.

I genuinely wish them well and am happy for them.

So, to the point of my post.

She has shared photos taken at the wedding on fb this morning. As we have a couple of mutual friends, these posts have appeared on my timeline.

There are maybe half a dozen or so photos with my children on. Some group ones, some of my ex, new wife and them, a lovely one of my son and daughter and they look gorgeous.

Would it be appropriate to 'like' them? I don't want to comment, would only like a couple of the children, maybe the one of all four of them.

My intention would be to communicate that I wish them well and the kids look great but, if it's going to be met with, "WTF is she doing liking the wedding photos??" and cause upset rather than, "Oh, look, their mum has liked the pics. That's nice," then I won't.

My partner thinks I should because his ex and he like photos the others have posted of their children (they aren't friends but are both friends with the children). He can't see a problem. Just thought I'd see what the MN consensus is! Thanks.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 02/10/2022 14:57

lunar1 · 02/10/2022 14:40

I think liking the picture and leaving a positive comment would be better than just liking it. Then there is No second guessing your intentions. Your ex and his wife will know it's genuine, who cares what randoms think.

Absolutely this 👌
Congratulate them on the wedding- comment how happy you are for them and thank them for involving both children and posting lovely photos. Easy.

ittakes2 · 02/10/2022 15:04

Wow you all sound lovely - the fact she has included her new husband's step son from his previous wife is testament to me she would be OK with it.

Travellingwomble · 02/10/2022 15:05

If in doubt, dont.

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2022 15:20

Worthyornot · 02/10/2022 14:25

I think it would be lovely and would reflect the relationship you all have. Don't overthink it. You've seen a photo of your kids and you like it, simple as that. Screw what anyone else would think. Your ex and his wife wouldn't be petty enough to have an issue I'm certain of that.

How can you be certain of that? I wouldn't be thrilled about it in the new wife's position - even if we got on I wouldn't want to be thinking about my new husband's previous marriage when thinking about my wedding, and I wouldn't want others who saw the "like" inevitably doing the same. I wouldn't kick off but I wouldn't particularly like it.

People aren't overthinking it, they're thinking it through. There's no need to do this, just express your fondness for the photos in person.

excelledyourself · 02/10/2022 15:34

Just send a card.

Original poster
BrownTed · 02/10/2022 17:38

OK. Tha is for all the thoughts. A couple 9f people have made points that articulated what I hadn't quite realised - I don't want her to feel that her day has been trained by reminders of when they got together or his ex or anything like that.

I know he would take it in the spirit it was intended but I can't know about other people and its nothing to do with me.

I'll ask if I can have the photos of the children she shared sent to me directly and tell him they all looked lovely and it looked like a wonderful day but I don't want anyone to give any time at all to thinking of me or judging my intentions which, given I've explained myself on here, and some people have still managed to read negativity into it 🙄 is clearly a possibility!

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Shiningstarr · 02/10/2022 17:46

BrownTed · 02/10/2022 17:38

OK. Tha is for all the thoughts. A couple 9f people have made points that articulated what I hadn't quite realised - I don't want her to feel that her day has been trained by reminders of when they got together or his ex or anything like that.

I know he would take it in the spirit it was intended but I can't know about other people and its nothing to do with me.

I'll ask if I can have the photos of the children she shared sent to me directly and tell him they all looked lovely and it looked like a wonderful day but I don't want anyone to give any time at all to thinking of me or judging my intentions which, given I've explained myself on here, and some people have still managed to read negativity into it 🙄 is clearly a possibility!

Thanks for your thoughts.

Why are you going to ask for the photos? Yes it's your children, but it's their day! I think that's a bit odd.

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 17:48

No don't ask her for a copy!!!!

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 17:51

OP rather than asking for the pics you could just say "I saw some of the photos and they're wonderful, hope you had a lovely day" or something along those lines. It's an acknowledgement without it being public, if that's something that concerns you.

Shiningstarr · 02/10/2022 18:00

You just need to leave it. Not being mean but it's very much their day, that your children have been a part of, but not you. You don't need to get involved by commenting publicly, or requesting copies of certain photos.

Just be grateful you were able to see some photos and leave it at that.

Beelips · 02/10/2022 18:02

I’m not sure about the whole ‘But what if OW doesn’t want to be reminded of how their relationship started… what if it taints her day to have the photos liked by OP”. The relationship started off as an affair. There is no running away from it. The OW should be able to own it. They shared their wedding photos on the internet for people to see. I think it’s massively overthinking it thinking OW may be offended….

But then again, OP should only do what SHE is comfortable with.

TwoWrightFeet · 02/10/2022 18:23

Leave it alone. If you want to wish them well you can send them a card. You must see 100’s of photos on FB and I bet you don’t like them all. Don’t make this any different.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 02/10/2022 18:29

My marriage started in very similar circumstances and I would have been pleased if DH's ex had liked any of our wedding photos - I would have taken it completely at face value. I know my relationship started as an affair and I own it. People aren't going to forget that in a hurry and I wouldn't expect his ex not to like photos of her children because of it.

Aprilx · 02/10/2022 18:58

I wouldn’t like or comment on the photos of someone who was not one of my own FB friends. You can tell your children you saw the photos and they were nice, no need to do anything else.

Aprilx · 02/10/2022 19:01

OMG and no do not ask for copies of their wedding photos! I have just seen that updated it really does like you are trying to stick your nose in now.

Lulibee · 02/10/2022 19:04

If you think it might upset her then don’t post.

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2022 19:42

Beelips · 02/10/2022 18:02

I’m not sure about the whole ‘But what if OW doesn’t want to be reminded of how their relationship started… what if it taints her day to have the photos liked by OP”. The relationship started off as an affair. There is no running away from it. The OW should be able to own it. They shared their wedding photos on the internet for people to see. I think it’s massively overthinking it thinking OW may be offended….

But then again, OP should only do what SHE is comfortable with.

I think this is a bit simplistic. If you want to teach OW a lesson, fine, but realistically she is unlikely to like it regardless of whether people think she has a right not to, it's not overthinking to say that, so if that's something that you genuinely want to avoid then it's not a good idea.

JaNaJanice · 03/10/2022 03:17

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properdoughnut · 03/10/2022 04:02

Aprilx · 02/10/2022 19:01

OMG and no do not ask for copies of their wedding photos! I have just seen that updated it really does like you are trying to stick your nose in now.

Agree. This day wasn't about you OP so just leave it if you can't keep it simple.

Aprilx · 03/10/2022 06:30

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I actually think the OP is well intentioned. But misguided. I don’t think it is appropriate to like or comment on friends of friends Facebook photos. And if you just got married would you really want the ex wife to be browsing your photos and asking for copies? Maybe you would think that is nice, but on balance I think most people would find it an intrusion. OP can take all the photos she wants of her children, she doesn’t need these specific ones.

LynetteScavo · 03/10/2022 06:36

I'd not only like the photos with my DC in, but I'd also friend request here. I have several FB friends I don't see in RL, but we both like to keep up with what the other is doing. I think she fits into this category.

JaNaJanice · 03/10/2022 06:46

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Beelips · 03/10/2022 06:50

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Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

Doidontimmm · 03/10/2022 06:55

I just got remarried and I can’t articulate why but I wouldn’t like it, just feels instructive as you only seen it through a mutual friend and are not friends.

Wfhandbored · 03/10/2022 06:55

You literally sound like the most thoughtful person! I think you interacting is fine, even commenting shouldn't be an issue as you're amicable and you're commenting on how beautiful your children look. It makes you look like you're 100% supportive and not bitter. Which is the truth!!