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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex husband remarried yesterday...

115 replies

BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:11

OK. Separated a decade ago. She was the OW but, tbh, our marriage was dead - anything he said to her about no sex and sleeping separately had been a truth long before she appeared on the scene. We were both unhappy and he just happened to meet someone and fall in love.

They married yesterday. Our daughter was a bridesmaid and my son (his stepson) also attended. They've v close and he's always been the 'real dad'.

Things are amicable between him and me. Co-parent and appropriately supportive of each other. I've met her a couple of times and it's been civil and 'friendly'. No issues, no problems, no conflict. He and I were school friends/best friends for 10 years before we made the mistake of getting together.

I genuinely wish them well and am happy for them.

So, to the point of my post.

She has shared photos taken at the wedding on fb this morning. As we have a couple of mutual friends, these posts have appeared on my timeline.

There are maybe half a dozen or so photos with my children on. Some group ones, some of my ex, new wife and them, a lovely one of my son and daughter and they look gorgeous.

Would it be appropriate to 'like' them? I don't want to comment, would only like a couple of the children, maybe the one of all four of them.

My intention would be to communicate that I wish them well and the kids look great but, if it's going to be met with, "WTF is she doing liking the wedding photos??" and cause upset rather than, "Oh, look, their mum has liked the pics. That's nice," then I won't.

My partner thinks I should because his ex and he like photos the others have posted of their children (they aren't friends but are both friends with the children). He can't see a problem. Just thought I'd see what the MN consensus is! Thanks.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:00

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 13:52

It's pretty clear that the OP has no issue with her and everything is amicable. So this take is a bit OTT in my view.

Show quote history

You don't know how the OW views it, though. The OP says civil and "friendly" and she's only met her a couple of times so they aren't friends. It's very possible the OP liking the photos of the children might be seen as reminding people of what the married couple had done.

"Those are MY beautiful children at YOUR wedding to MY husband who had an affair with YOU."

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 02/10/2022 14:01

I would
But then I would also be tempted to post ‘congratulations’
It would show everyone that’s there’s no hard feelings.
but then I’m quite a chill person who doesn’t look into such things too deeply.

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 14:15

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:00

You don't know how the OW views it, though. The OP says civil and "friendly" and she's only met her a couple of times so they aren't friends. It's very possible the OP liking the photos of the children might be seen as reminding people of what the married couple had done.

"Those are MY beautiful children at YOUR wedding to MY husband who had an affair with YOU."

Show quote history

If OP felt that way, she wouldn't be liking the posts would she?

A like is a positive thing. If anyone tried to read into it as a passive aggressive action, I would think they've got a bit too much time on their hands.

balalake · 02/10/2022 14:18

Perhaps convey any message by some means other than Facebook. Via your children perhaps?

caringcarer · 02/10/2022 14:18

I'd wait until they get back from honeymoon then contact ex and congratulate them on wedding. Thank him for including your D's and ask would it be ok for you to order a photo of your DC looking so good.

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:19

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 14:15

If OP felt that way, she wouldn't be liking the posts would she?

A like is a positive thing. If anyone tried to read into it as a passive aggressive action, I would think they've got a bit too much time on their hands.

Show quote history

It's not about the OP. It wasn't her wedding. They aren't her photos. They aren't friends on FB. They aren't friends in real life. Her feelings aren't important to this. She shouldn't be inserting herself into something that has nothing to do with her.

Pineappleflowers · 02/10/2022 14:25

If you aren’t facebook friends with them then its a bit intrusive to like the photos.

Worthyornot · 02/10/2022 14:25

I think it would be lovely and would reflect the relationship you all have. Don't overthink it. You've seen a photo of your kids and you like it, simple as that. Screw what anyone else would think. Your ex and his wife wouldn't be petty enough to have an issue I'm certain of that.

Pineappleflowers · 02/10/2022 14:25

It feels a bit attention seeking.

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 14:28

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:19

It's not about the OP. It wasn't her wedding. They aren't her photos. They aren't friends on FB. They aren't friends in real life. Her feelings aren't important to this. She shouldn't be inserting herself into something that has nothing to do with her.

Show quote history

This is massively overthinking it.

A like on Facebook is not inserting herself into anything.

I had lots of people who were not direct FB friends liking my wedding pics. Friends of friends, guests' parents/siblings, etc. My ex boyfriend's sister and some of his friends liked them, I took that to mean they were happy for me, not that they were making some kind of sly dig. 🙄

Namrchangedforthis · 02/10/2022 14:28

I think there is a bit of projection going on this thread. I would like them and say ‘dd and ds look so gorgeous- glad you all had a wonderful day’. I have always got on well with exh first wife and we comment on each other’s photos all the time - our kids are siblings and we both love them all. When exh and I got married - his ex wife would have commented lovely comments on our pics.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 02/10/2022 14:32

Fml (some of these comments) was in same position literally a while ago when my ex remarried

Like the photos comment something nice ffs and don't worry about it.

It's not that deep ❤️

Pengwinn · 02/10/2022 14:32

I wouldn't just because social media can often be a minefield full of some people (like some on this thread) who look into everything far too much and seem determined to find drama. Instead I agree with a PP to wait until they're back from honeymoon and just say hope you had a wonderful day, DC really enjoyed being part of the day and the photos they have showed me were beautiful or something along those lines.

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:33

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 14:28

This is massively overthinking it.

A like on Facebook is not inserting herself into anything.

I had lots of people who were not direct FB friends liking my wedding pics. Friends of friends, guests' parents/siblings, etc. My ex boyfriend's sister and some of his friends liked them, I took that to mean they were happy for me, not that they were making some kind of sly dig. 🙄

Show quote history

Were any of them your husband's ex-wife who he cheated on with you?

The point is, the OP has no reason to publicly "like" the photos other than for people to see her publicly "like" them.

gogohmm · 02/10/2022 14:35

Yes, do like them. I would also send a (private) message saying that the photos are lovely and you wish them all the best.

Pengwinn · 02/10/2022 14:38

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:33

Were any of them your husband's ex-wife who he cheated on with you?

The point is, the OP has no reason to publicly "like" the photos other than for people to see her publicly "like" them.

Show quote history

Who really has any reason to like photos on social media? Seems reasonable to like photos of your own children that someone else has shared tbh.

gogohmm · 02/10/2022 14:39

Btw I plan to send a card to Dp's ex who is remarrying, we wish them the best end of.

lunar1 · 02/10/2022 14:40

I think liking the picture and leaving a positive comment would be better than just liking it. Then there is No second guessing your intentions. Your ex and his wife will know it's genuine, who cares what randoms think.

DirectionToPerfection · 02/10/2022 14:41

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 14:33

Were any of them your husband's ex-wife who he cheated on with you?

The point is, the OP has no reason to publicly "like" the photos other than for people to see her publicly "like" them.

Show quote history

Ok clearly this thread has touched a nerve for you, so I'm not going to get into an argument over it.

OP, don't overthink it. You sound lovely.

Confusion101 · 02/10/2022 14:45

Dirtylittleroses · 02/10/2022 13:55

Why can’t you just tell your kids you like the photos? Why do you need to do it on social media for all to see?you’ve already wished them well. You don’t need to do it again for goodness sake.

This!!!!

OhILoveDoughnuts · 02/10/2022 14:53

BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:19

I'd only like them because they are my children and my daughter looked so beautiful because of the way she'd been included as a bridesmaid. I'm helping her dry her bouquet so she can keep it forever, she has a silk dressing gown with her name on it and shared it all excitedly with me when she got home. I'm pleased my son was included.

I don't feel any animosity at all and neither does he.

I think it's truly lovely that your children have such a positive experience. Too often we hear of the devastation and pain around divorce.

It really lovely to read.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 14:53

BrownTed · 02/10/2022 11:28

If your ex and partner did not wish for people to comment or like a photo the would have changed their privacy settings. But they haven't.

That is also true.

Except I thought you weren't her FB friend? I thought you only saw them because if mutual friends.

I don't think you should like them. Compare the possible positives with the possible negatives. What are they? No idea what the positive would be, but you could upset her memories of her wedding day.

you seem like a nice person, ver understanding of what went wrong in your marriage & about his affair. & you seem very 'at peace' with her & your DD's relationship.

what is the point in risking anything 'real' to 'like' a FB photo?

Shiningstarr · 02/10/2022 14:57

I wouldn't. Why would you need to? Surely you can like the photos without clicking that you like the photos and showing everyone.

Beelips · 02/10/2022 14:57

I’m genuinely surprised how many people are saying ‘Don’t’ as people who don’t know the full dynamics may misconstrue this…
OP, you seem to be in the same camp, so maybe don’t like the photos as it will lead to more overthinking, but I think it’s a shame.
You said it’s all very amicable, good relations, no bad feelings, I agree with others it’s refreshing and would definitely like the photos, but equally there will be others who will feel differently (those you worry about 🙂)
The Question is: what’s more comfortable: doing something that pleases you (and may displease others) or holding back doing something that pleases you in case you displease others?

Whattaweapon · 02/10/2022 14:57

There is definitely a lot of projection going on here.