Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over the top in terms of attention?

77 replies

Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 10:58

Can you guys please help me work out whether I'm totally over the top?

Rang dp during the work day. I was really upset about something that nothing to do with him but wanted his reassurance/support. Asked him if he was busy before I spoke and he said he wasn't busy and was driving between jobs. Started telling him about an upsetting phonecall I recieved and he cut me off to make faces and shout at another driver. I pretended that I had a call coming in and got off the phone. I didn't speak to him about it again. He did ring me back but I had to get back to work so couldn't talk then. He was supposed to come over for tea that evening but didn't. He text me about 10 saying sorry I couldn't give you my full attention hope you had a nice evening love you. I text back saying it was lovely, glad you didn't come and get your tea as now I don't have to cook tomorrow. Made it light hearted with emojis.

I was pretty upset about the above but I haven't got pissy, I have carried on as normal. The day after I was texting him about something he said he was going to do and an idea I had. He told me to stop spamming him (I wasn't spamming him, I did that thing where you write shorter msgs rather than a long one). He rang me and said I was being childish and attention seeking.

The Gottman institute talks about connection bids. I feel like I make lots of connection bids like the phone call and the idea texting and he doesn't respond to them and I feel hurt. But I also wonder whether this is a 'me' thing as I wasn't given a lot of attention in childhood and maybe do over react when I make these connection bids and I'm left hanging. I don't have this in friendship groups though.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 02/10/2022 11:01

The phoning and texting while at work is pretty OTT. Connection bids are all well and good, but you're setting yourself up to fail by doing them at inappropriate times.

SalesMum · 02/10/2022 11:01

How long have you been together? Those don't sound ott but maybe he's starting to cool towards the relationship?

RobertaTheRobot · 02/10/2022 11:01

Yes it all seems to be a bit like your looking to make drama out of nothing to me 🤷

SalesMum · 02/10/2022 11:01

But she asked if he could talk and he said yes?

MolliciousIntent · 02/10/2022 11:02

Also it's worth nothing that the "lots of short messages" thing is a HUGE pain in the arse, because it means your phone keeps ringing/buzzing every time you get a message, which personally drives me insane.

MolliciousIntent · 02/10/2022 11:02

SalesMum · 02/10/2022 11:01

But she asked if he could talk and he said yes?

And then something happened while he was driving and the situation changed.

Original poster
Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 11:04

He rings me at work all the time and dumps on me about his shitty day. He would like it if I spent more time texting him and has told me that I don't pay him enough attention in the day. The texting was the next evening when he was home. It's always on his terms though, when I've got a problem he's not there for me.

We've been together 2 years, we did live together but now don't as we argued all the time.

OP posts:
Skinnermarink · 02/10/2022 11:04

To be blunt, you do sounds intense.

mondaytosunday · 02/10/2022 11:05

The phone call when you were upset was fair enough but why did you disconnect? He then called you back. So I don't see a problem with his reaction then.
The other one - I really hate it when people send multiple short texts. Very very annoying.

I think you need to stop texting or calling when he is at work unless an emergency.

Original poster
Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 11:08

I was really upset about something and him making faces and shouting at a driver who cut in made me feel like I didn't matter. I wasn't asking him what he wanted to eat later, it was important.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 02/10/2022 11:08

You used to live together but now don't because you argued all the time?

That says a lot about the relationship really. Perhaps you are just not cut out for one another.

Skinnermarink · 02/10/2022 11:10

I don’t know any couple who have stayed together after living together didn’t work out, where do you go from there?!

Namechange671 · 02/10/2022 11:13

Beside the point but how did you know he was making faces at the driver?

Rollergirl11 · 02/10/2022 11:14

Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 11:08

I was really upset about something and him making faces and shouting at a driver who cut in made me feel like I didn't matter. I wasn't asking him what he wanted to eat later, it was important.

So him being attentive to your needs is more important than him driving??! How do you know he was making a face, were you FaceTiming while he was driving??? That is totally unacceptable!!!

Lovelydrizzle · 02/10/2022 11:17

Hey, I know how you feel. If it's normal for him to message and call you during the day to talk about his problems, then you should be able to do the same.

It really sucks when the person who's supposed to care about you the most seemingly can't be arsed with listening to you. I can understand that would make you feel upset and unheard.

I don't have any real advice tbh, cos I deal with the same thing sometimes. I just wanted you to know that it's not unreasonable to want your partner to care about your thoughts and feelings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2022 11:17

We've been together 2 years, we did live together but now don't as we argued all the time.

You're still arguing. Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. It shouldn’t be this complicated.

Rubiesue · 02/10/2022 11:19

It’s not you. You aren’t necessarily intense. (I mean, you may be, you may not be — it’s impossible to judge based on a short thread.)

However, I’d wager that this is the wrong relationship FOR YOU. For someone else, he may be perfect. And for sure, you are “just right” for someone else!

For those of us who had dysfunctional childhoods, we tend to blame ourselves and/or put up with crumbs. I only worked out not to take the crumbs age 32 when I spent a year working within a family business and seeing how well the family treated one another.

I realised I was not going to put up with my shitty (10 year!) relationship. Shortly after, I met (& later married) someone just right for me. Sure he & I have disagreements, but he ALWAYS has my back and I’m not left questioning myself.

Good luck OP. And get out. Be on your own for a while. Make room for someone right for you.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 11:19

Relationships aren't straightforward. What an institute says about communication doesn't matter. That's a really strange thing to quite.

You're just incompatible.

Awakened22 · 02/10/2022 11:22

Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 11:08

I was really upset about something and him making faces and shouting at a driver who cut in made me feel like I didn't matter. I wasn't asking him what he wanted to eat later, it was important.

If it’s important then it’s not a conversation to have on the phone when someone is driving. Him focussing on not crashing into the car cutting him up was the most important thing at that time.

Multiple short messages in quick succession are irritating as they ping/disturb you every time.

If after 2 years you can’t find a happy balance with communication then I think you’re flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 11:24

I knew he was making faces because he said to the other person in the van something like - did you see that face I made. He also made the duh sound he makes when he makes that face.

I'm happy to be told I was over reacting. I'm actually happy not to be with him. My needs never matter. He's so self absorbed. He will regularly cut me off mid conversation to talk about something else, do something else etc and I never feel like I have his attention. On a date he will be on his phone, when he took me for a day operation we had an argument because of the way I looked at him when he interrupted the dr and took a phone call when they were explaining the release procedure after.

He wants bygones to be bygones and to start our relationship again but yet I can't let go of the feeling that I don't matter to him.

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 02/10/2022 11:29

I'm exhausted just reading this. I was going to suggest you two stop texting/calling each other while you're at work.

But to be honest, it sounds as though you'd be better off without each other.

MustardCress · 02/10/2022 11:30

I'm happy to be told I was over reacting. I'm actually happy not to be with him. My needs never matter. He's so self absorbed. He will regularly cut me off mid conversation to talk about something else, do something else etc and I never feel like I have his attention. On a date he will be on his phone, when he took me for a day operation we had an argument because of the way I looked at him when he interrupted the dr and took a phone call when they were explaining the release procedure after.

He wants bygones to be bygones and to start our relationship again but yet I can't let go of the feeling that I don't matter to him.

Flowers This is what matters. Take a deep breath then end it with him. As time passes you will feel relief. Then move on to a life with people who value and respect you.

Original poster
Connection2Attention · 02/10/2022 11:40

I do want to be with him really but I want him to actually pay attention to me when we're on a date/when something is wrong/when I matter. He doesn't pay me attention unless it's him talking about him and his shit he's got going on or sex. I feel like I'm a spare part just expected to go with his flow and when I'm not in his flow there's an issue.

I can see that I've overreacted about the phone but I have so many similar incidents where it's not that big of a deal to be sidelined at that moment but there are so many of these moments that it feels rubbish. I just don't feel like I matter.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/10/2022 11:45

Honestly, do yourself a favour and stop reading and analysing and labeling things and trying to fit behaviour into it. Its really not necessary, especially in a relationship that has no real history or ties as yet.
Life is so much simpler if you just decide the type of thing you need to make you happy (full attention when you're upset, for example) and ask the other person for it. If they don't or can't give it, and you can't compromise, you move along.

MustardCress · 02/10/2022 11:59

Its not unreasonable to want to matter to someone but you can’t make people give you what you want. That is the fact of the matter. He is the way he is and the best thing is to accept that and move on so you can find some one who does meet your needs. Don’t waste your precious life on him or this situation