Am I over the top in terms of attention?

[Connection2Attention]

Can you guys please help me work out whether I'm totally over the top?

Rang dp during the work day. I was really upset about something that nothing to do with him but wanted his reassurance/support. Asked him if he was busy before I spoke and he said he wasn't busy and was driving between jobs. Started telling him about an upsetting phonecall I recieved and he cut me off to make faces and shout at another driver. I pretended that I had a call coming in and got off the phone. I didn't speak to him about it again. He did ring me back but I had to get back to work so couldn't talk then. He was supposed to come over for tea that evening but didn't. He text me about 10 saying sorry I couldn't give you my full attention hope you had a nice evening love you. I text back saying it was lovely, glad you didn't come and get your tea as now I don't have to cook tomorrow. Made it light hearted with emojis.

I was pretty upset about the above but I haven't got pissy, I have carried on as normal. The day after I was texting him about something he said he was going to do and an idea I had. He told me to stop spamming him (I wasn't spamming him, I did that thing where you write shorter msgs rather than a long one). He rang me and said I was being childish and attention seeking.

The Gottman institute talks about connection bids. I feel like I make lots of connection bids like the phone call and the idea texting and he doesn't respond to them and I feel hurt. But I also wonder whether this is a 'me' thing as I wasn't given a lot of attention in childhood and maybe do over react when I make these connection bids and I'm left hanging. I don't have this in friendship groups though.

I just don't feel like I matter.

You do matter. You just don't matter to him.

Time to look after yourself - because he won't - and move on.

Thank you 💐

When we had split up for a few months I was so bloody happy. As soon as we're back together it's like groundhog day. I keep feeling like it's my fault and why can't I just be more cool about these things but they hurt me and I'm hurting myself staying in this relationshit!

I don't require huge amounts of attention. I have a life, friends, career, hobbies that I do with friends etc. I don't need constant texts and phonecalls. I just need to feel that I'm intresting to the other person when I'm talking.

Another example, we both like hiking and bike rides. Without fail he will go off and get to the top rather than climbing up with me. He is impatient with me (and I'm not slow, I'm faster than my friends but not as fast as him). I'd like him to want to want to be with me, sharing an experience with me rather than two people just sharing a car to get somewhere. It sounds so silly, like why can't I be happy that I'm doing something I enjoy whether he's in front of me or not but I'm not happy with it. I want someone homding my hand and sharing that experience and I also want him to want to do that.

You can't be 'too demanding of attention', because there is no 'correct' level of attention.

Your responsibility to yourself is to find people who match your emotional requirements. It's not anybody else's responsibility to change to match your needs.

If you feel 'too demanding', then you're too demanding for this relationship. There's no objective 'too demanding', and it's up to you to find circumstances where your needs are met without you feeling 'needy'.

We've been together 2 years, we did live together but now don't as we argued all the time

Why did you think that moving apart would stop the arguing, rather than reduce it? Why didn't you break up?

The car thing on its own I can understand. I get like that with drivers, it was a knee jerk reaction but since your further comments over other stuff, like the being self absorbed, h's clearly not interested in what you have to say. That would be a deal breaker. That and not being able to live with each other, what's the point?

This.

You can't live together. This is going nowhere fast.

You should re read your posts.

Your need for attention is too much for him but your needs matter and if he's not meeting them then why are you with him?

In a similar vein, it's ok to be unable to meet his needs for attention. Most people would find a man who wants a partner to be a good listener but not listen himself to be a turn off.

You were happy when you broke up and sound miserable back together. I think you know what you should do.

The multiple short messages are so annoying.

I wonder whether he meant he wasn't too busy to take the call on the basis it was something quick and easy. I wouldn't want to take a long and emotionally wrought call while driving.

I don't know what jobs you each do but I'd find constant texts etc really annoying too, especially lots of short ones (lots of beeps). Sounds like he does too when he's busy, despite being happy to text when he's quiet. I don't think lots of calls and texts during the working day is really the norm and making "connection bids" during the working day is asking for disappointment, I think- a quick text about something practical is a different matter.

However, he doesn't sound very kind generally and you don't sound very happy together- you were much happier apart! I'd throw this one back and find a chap who makes you happy- there are literally millions of them, no need to stick with one who makes you miserable.

So break up with him. If you’re not happy, then end it. What are you going this for?

doing this for

I can see why you argued all the time.
This relationship is not healthy for either of you

Started telling him about an upsetting phonecall I recieved and he cut me off to make faces and shout at another driver.

this really stood out to me. My ex did this constantly. Whenever I was talking to him while he was driving he would constantly interrupt me and rage at other drivers. It would happen every time with out fail. It definitely made me feel unheard and unimportant. And like your dp I only had his undivided attention if it was something he wanted to talk about or if we were talking about sex/he wanted sex. Overtime I began to feel like a blow up doll he could chatter to when he felt like it and have sex with when he wanted to. I really didn’t feel like I mattered outside of that.

Teenagers apparently do the multiple short message thing because it builds up the drama as the other person is left waiting for the next bit of the conversation. Bet they'd stop that if their phone text allowance wasn't so generous like the old days.

I didnt need an emotionally wrought and long phone call with him. I needed him to say don't worry, it will be alright we'll figure out a plan later.

But yet again I'm ruminating on whether I was wrong, am I too needy and wasting my day on MN instead of doing something fun or productive.

Fuck this shit! 😂 life is too short. I'm going to get up now instead of being on here and msging my friends about it. I want peace in my head again.

Every time here too @Sunnytwobridges it's amazing how many road incidents happen to him as I drive a lot in my job and have nowhere near the amount of shitty drivers he apparently does.

Just to clear up the short texts. It was about 5 texts sent straight after the other in the evening when he wasn't working. It wasn't building drama. They were happy excited texts all related to the same thing. They were much better than the essays he's been sending me about what an attention seeking and horrible person I am.

We've been together 2 years, we did live together but now don't as we argued all the time.

So what’s the point in being together now?

You’re not compatible

It sounds hurtful as a relationship. It’s dead in the water OP. He dumps on you, asks you to text more, and then when you do text more he criticises you and rejects you.

It’s over OP. Sounds dreadful.

Another one here who hates the multiple short texts thing. Why do some people do this? Why not just write one message and say what you need to say? It’s the exact same amount of effort.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. You need to break up with him. I don’t really understand why you got back together in the first place, tbh. Relationships are supposed to make you happy.

Rang dp during the work day. I was really upset about something that nothing to do with him but wanted his reassurance/support. Asked him if he was busy before I spoke and he said he wasn't busy and was driving between jobs. Started telling him about an upsetting phonecall I recieved and he cut me off to make faces and shout at another driver.

You face-timed him (otherwise how did you know he was making faces) during the work day, realised he was driving and continued the face-time call whilst he was driving for something non-urgent and needy? Never mind the drip-feed about him calling you during the day. Have a bit of common sense.

Do you think he's ever likely to be the person you want him to be, OP?

You aren't right for each other, so bin him and move on.

That multiple message thing would have sent me over the edge. I bloody hate it, it's like harassment. Ping. Ping. Ping Ping. Dreadful.

You sound very needy and demanding. He is not invested enough in the relationship to give you what you want. Probably feels suffocated.

Ease up or ship out. There is a reason it didn't work out first time round.

You are incompatible. If you can't be content after two years you have no chance of a future.

I dont understand why you would stay in a relationship with someone you cant live with?
whats the long term goal? Will you just live separately forever?

If living together fails the logical thing would be to break up..

sorry that wasnt your question.

I don't know why I keep going back to him. I get over him and am genuinely happy single. I love my life, I have amazing friends, a career I love and I'm also happy just pottering about at home reading a book, watching a film. I have lots of well established friends so it's not like I expect him to fill all my social and emotional needs. I'm not bragging but if I wanted another man I could have one, I get chatted up on nights out etc. Even when I was living with dp I was happy to amuse myself and had my own stuff going on. I don't fit the criteria for being codependent or needy whereas dp would want me to follow him room to room and moan if I was reading a book or being on MN when he wanted to cuddle and watch tv and would want me to be doing the exact same thing as him.

We last got back together as we had to go to the bank and put the joint bank into a single bank and couldn't do it separately online. He wanted to talk, we rowed but kept talking and he invited me round to his for tea and I went. We cuddled, chatted and he gave me a key. He wanted to work things out but yet he still is the most self centred man I've ever been with! I want him to pay me attention in what I and my friends agree with, is a normal relationship need. I get so upset when he doesn't. It's a physical change in my body, I feel so rejected by him.

And for the second time - we were not facetiming!