Am I over the top in terms of attention?

[Connection2Attention]

Can you guys please help me work out whether I'm totally over the top?

Rang dp during the work day. I was really upset about something that nothing to do with him but wanted his reassurance/support. Asked him if he was busy before I spoke and he said he wasn't busy and was driving between jobs. Started telling him about an upsetting phonecall I recieved and he cut me off to make faces and shout at another driver. I pretended that I had a call coming in and got off the phone. I didn't speak to him about it again. He did ring me back but I had to get back to work so couldn't talk then. He was supposed to come over for tea that evening but didn't. He text me about 10 saying sorry I couldn't give you my full attention hope you had a nice evening love you. I text back saying it was lovely, glad you didn't come and get your tea as now I don't have to cook tomorrow. Made it light hearted with emojis.

I was pretty upset about the above but I haven't got pissy, I have carried on as normal. The day after I was texting him about something he said he was going to do and an idea I had. He told me to stop spamming him (I wasn't spamming him, I did that thing where you write shorter msgs rather than a long one). He rang me and said I was being childish and attention seeking.

The Gottman institute talks about connection bids. I feel like I make lots of connection bids like the phone call and the idea texting and he doesn't respond to them and I feel hurt. But I also wonder whether this is a 'me' thing as I wasn't given a lot of attention in childhood and maybe do over react when I make these connection bids and I'm left hanging. I don't have this in friendship groups though.

So. Break. Up. With. Him.

Then block him. Stop all communication and get on with your life. Stop doing this.

Seriously, you’re an adult. You have agency. Take ownership of your actions and stop behaving in a a way that negatively impacts you.

I know I'm an adult. I know I sound pathetic.

I would be so happy with him if he just paid some interest in me. He always wants me back, it's not me chasing him when we split up. He's the one miserable without me but yet as soon as he gets me back he's not interested in me unless he's talking about himself.

I'm not going to get what I want am I? He's never going to realise how his lack of interest makes me feel and do something about it. It's not in his nature.

I would be so happy with him if he just paid some interest in me.

And I’d be a millionaire if I had a million pounds. But, I don’t, so I’m not. If things were different, they would be different. But they are as they are.

He always wants me back, it's not me chasing him when we split up

So what? Are you required to get back with him because he wants you to?

He's the one miserable without me but yet as soon as he gets me back he's not interested in me unless he's talking about himself.

So, don’t get back with him!

I'm not going to get what I want am I? He's never going to realise how his lack of interest makes me feel and do something about it. It's not in his nature.

Seriously. What are you doing?

Unless there is a real life issue requiring fixing, like lost keys etc, I do not expect to be contacted at work.

I don't bother DW either.

Would be exhausting having to cope with domestic shit during the day

Honestly, he treats you like crap, doesn't care, doesn't listen, tells you you're horrible. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want anyone else to have you, but he doesn't want you himself.

You'll never be happy. He'll never give you what you want. It'll never get better.

If you dump him, you'll meet someone sooooo much nicer, you'll wish you'd met them sooner.

this sounds exactly like my ex. Does your DPs name start with a J? Lol

For years we went thru a cycle of him breaking up/ghosting me the out of the blue contacting me and I would fall right back into it. But I was never happier cause he treated me the same - like I didn’t matter for anything but sex and only interested in what he had going on.

i was an idiot and kept taking him back until one day he interrupted me one last time while I was trying to tell him something. I put his ass in block and that was the best thing I did.

it was tough cause I was used to him being some part of my life but I realized he had become a bad habit and I needed to go cold turkey to break it. It is very liberating after weeks then months go by and i was happier not dealing with him anymore.

No not a J 😂

He's not a bad bloke. He buys me little presents, takes me away, cooks me tea, will fix anything I ask him too, he's never ghosted me, tells me he loves me every day. But it's all when it suits him. It's on his terms. Like if we went away it wouldn't be a place I'd really want to go to, it would be a place he wanted to go to or a place he's been before as a child and liked. I've had to hear his childhood/teenage stories and whilst I used to find them cute the utter lack of interest in mine has made me not want to hear anything more.

he's never ghosted me

If this is in your 'positives' list for your partner, your standards are too low.

This guy doesn't make you feel good. That's the top and bottom of this, and it's your responsibility to do things and be with people who do make you feel good, if you want to feel good.

There's no rocket science here: do things that make you feel the way you want to feel. Be around people with whom you feel the way you want to feel. That's it.

OP I think everyone has given you sound advice but you still feel he isn't a bad bloke so what you do next is up to you I think. You put up with it or you dump him

I don't think you're over the top at all, quiet the opposite. If he was busy driving, he could have called you that evening.
If he didn't like short messages, he could have told you that more politely.
And what you describe in your other messages def. sounds like he's not the one for you. And I don't even know who would want to be with someone like him.

Regarding the short messages……a family member does this and although I love them I find it extremely annoying when my phone is going off 3 or more times before I grab it and then again as I’m holding it. My smart watch also chimes each time I get a message so it’s doubly irritating.

I type all I need to in a single message.

You said it yourself, the only time he pays your attention is when it benefits him
Moaning about something, emotional tampon, or sex.

Every moment your spend with him is preventing you from finding someone really good for you.

As someone else said, it doesn't actually matter if we think you are over the top in terms of attention or not. Bottom line is you have a level of attention you require, you are not getting that from him. You also said more than once you were happier when single. End it now.

But just as an aside in response to I needed him to say don't worry, it will be alright we'll figure out a plan later. Sometimes when I know the outcome I want I tell people before I start my vent. So sometimes I will actually tell people "I don't need advice, I just want you to listen and tell me I'm right" from the start so they know what I expect and it saves an argument when they either don't listen properly or else try fix whatever it was I was ranting about when that's not what I wanted. I read about it in a book.

This is a lot of silly drama over very little. You aren’t compatible. Throw this one back.

It doesn't feel silly to me. It feels hurtful.

I don't usually send multiple short texts, it was fine in the context. He was using it against me to be a dick.

I know this isn't the right relationship for me. I wish it could work but it just doesn't.

You might feel that it's silly, but it's not up to you, unless you feel yourself to be the arbiter of others' emotions. Your comment is very patronising.

OP, don't ever let anybody tell you that your feelings are silly, or disrespect them in any other way. Feelings are the only thing upon which we can base our relationships; after all, he can't be Mr Right unless you feel good spending time with him, regardless of any other attributes. If something feels wrong to you, then it is wrong to you, regardless of whether anybody else tells you you're being 'dramatic' or not. Choose your people well. For example, if you chose to spend time with the PP I quoted above, you'd end up feeling that your feelings didn't really count for anything, and you'd feel rubbish. If you spend your time with people who respect your feelings, things don't get out of hand and end up seeming 'dramatic' by anybody's score.

Expecting someone to listen to you while they are driving is unreasonable.

OP please just call it quits. He sounds like a shitty partner. It doesn’t matter if people on here wouldn’t want to be called at work, that’s not really the point. I wasted a lot of my time with men who made me doubt myself and made me think I was too much/too high maintenance. Turns out, when I’m with someone who is kind supportive and lovely, all the angst melts away and I am secure in myself and no longer high maintenance and reading into every situation - because I don’t need to because the situation is clearly positive.

Don’t let anyone gaslight you, and just move on!!

This is not the right person for you.
I think it wasn't necessary to ring him during the work day to talk about the phone call you were upset about. You could have talked to him later. You should be able to deal with the immediate upset of a minor incident without needing to call someone else about it. If he's working, he's going to be distracted and especially if he's driving!
Also the idea you had could have waited until later.

However in later posts you describe how he rings you during the working day wanting to talk about stuff and also claiming you don't pay him enough attention.
So it's ok for him to do it but not for you.
He sounds like he is taking a lot from you and not giving you the emotional support back.

Some posters have said it's silly nonsense or whatever. But the incidents you describe, taken on their own might sound like trivia but they are just symptoms of a relationship which is not working for you.
Sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong with him.
Bin him OP. You'll feel a lot better.

Honestly OP?

Dump him. He was deliberately cruel to you, has appalling doubke standards about HIM being worth attention but not you, you don't have this 'connection bid' problem with your wider friendships, & when you lived together all that happened was such miserable rows that you promptly disengaged from cohabiting.

No relationship should be solely on one person's terms.
Get rid of him, & make yourself free for a man who wants two-way communication with you. Your partner sounds nasty, & is deliberately undermining you while ensuring that you continue to meet his needs - but not doing the same in return.

tells me he loves me every day

This is why I never understand people hand-wringing over whether their partner says the L word. Love shows in actions, not words. OP your partner may say he loves you every day but I can't see much evidence of that in his actions.

FWIW I didn't think he was unreasonable in the examples in your first post but all of your updates since point towards someone who is indeed self-centred, doesn't care about you and isn't interested in you. You seem to know all this so if you don't end the relationship within the week I have no idea why.

Ye Dogs yet another self-centred man who thinks women exist to prop up his ego.

OP - it's heartening to see you write about your full life & how you don't need him. Dump him again - only this time, remember how he stalks ahead of you on what is meant to be a shared walking hobby. Remember how his gestures of affection are actually all about him (a break where he chooses a location you would not, & talks about his childhood memories of it while refusing to hear your own anecdotes).
And THIS time - don't get Hoovered back in - lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Have fun with you friends & hobbies for a good few months before you even think about dating again. You sound strong, & sensible, but this selfish man has done a number on your self-esteem. Get it back up & functioning again before you embark on another relationship.

Another example, we both like hiking and bike rides. Without fail he will go off and get to the top rather than climbing up with me.

This stood out to me. I love hiking and cycling too with DP or friends and we always wait for the slowest person. Its courtesy. It's not a race! And if that's what he wants, he should go off on his own to do it, not have you tag along. He doesn't seem to have any patience. Also he seems very disinterested in the relationship or you - more like he just wants companionship. If you want something more meaningful, I don't think he's the right guy for you.

He didn't know someone was about to cut him up that second and he just acted on impulse! You sound very needy if that moment has caused such a problem for you, which by the way is very unfair to him. This sounds like a lot of drama and neediness.

@Softplayhooray I agreed earlier in the thread I overreacted to that but honestly it's so soul destroying being the cast aside person with someone so impulsive as him. There is always a better or shiner thing to do then to be present with me. I have adhd, I understand impulsive behaviour. I don't do this to my friends.