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Original poster

Just a coincidence?

110 replies

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 10:13

Today my DH added me to his work calendar. Looking through I saw for his work conference dates (a four day weekend not over a public holiday) his assistant had added in her leave dates for his reference which fell over the same dates.

For history, my DH and her have great ‘banter’ and she tried to invite herself along to DH’s dinner with clients as his plus one until he learnt I was upset and I thought this was a sign he was cheating. He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her.

Upon seeing my face when I remarked my surprise that they were away for the exact same dates he reminded me he asked me to come with him and I had said no, that he wasn’t going with her and it was just a coincidence she had leave for the same time and he has now completely cancelled the conference without me having suggested it. This was apparently a very important conference for him.

Previously when she would call and we were in the car together he would immediately announce he was in the car with his family (reason being she has a ‘potty mouth’ and he didn’t want her to swear in front of the kids) now I’ve noticed he won’t even answer her calls if I’m with him.

Just a coincidence or is he cheating?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2022 17:31

Just as a quick reply, every time I take a call on speaker phone in the car, I always tell the caller that they are on speaker phone.

I also always tell them who else is in the car in case the conversation isn’t suitable for a particular audience, especially if it’s a work colleague. I though that was common courtesy.

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2022 17:51

Maybe OP is a bit controlling? I can see if OP is very insecure and suspicious of everything, that her DH might be walking on eggshells, so is trying to appease her every time she challenges. Might seem OTT to most of us that he cancels things, but I’ve been in a controlling relationship, and after a while you find you’re over compromising all the time to keep them happy.

Original poster
Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 23:38

Just an update.
I told him he shouldn’t have cancelled. I apologised for my reaction.
He said he is sick to death of all this and he has done nothing to deserve these accusations.
He went cold on me as soon as this all happened and nothing has changed so I will just be cold straight back at him for the foreseeable future.
Thanks to everyone who commented.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 00:09

In terms of the OTT reaction, I think he’s expecting me to talk him into un-cancelling, so in my mind it’s like an empty grand gesture (he did end up going to the dinner after he said he was cancelling as I said he should go, the assistant didn’t go.

@Justanothercliche, this does sound like another empty gesture, designed to manipulate you so he can hide in plain sight.

The first time, you urged him to attend the dinner, so you assume he expects the same now. I agree with the poster who wondered if he invited you to this conference knowing you’d probably say no. He covered his bases, and fully intended to be with this woman there until you rumbled him.

His avoiding her calls in front of you just adds to the suspicious package.

Tsort · 03/10/2022 00:15

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 23:38

Just an update.
I told him he shouldn’t have cancelled. I apologised for my reaction.
He said he is sick to death of all this and he has done nothing to deserve these accusations.
He went cold on me as soon as this all happened and nothing has changed so I will just be cold straight back at him for the foreseeable future.
Thanks to everyone who commented.

So, you regularly accuse him of cheating with no basis, he’s fed up and you’re ‘being cold right back’?

This man is going to leave you, OP. And I don’t think anyone could blame him. This is no way to live.

MsDogLady · 03/10/2022 00:37

@Justanothercliche, I’ve just seen your update. Like before, after his extreme reaction to cancel, you urged him to attend the conference. He was confident you’d do that.

His coldness and defensiveness are pure manipulation to make you back off and stay quiet about his dodgy behavior. He certainly did do something to warrant your concern. Instead of calmly reassuring you about the dinner and conference, he reacted with empty dramatic gestures of canceling and firing.

I stand by my belief that he is up to something with this assistant.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2022 00:41

Yes his behaviour is very suspicious I think.

Cornflakegirll · 03/10/2022 06:49

Everything @MsDogLady said!

Huge grand gesture, cancels, no real reassurance, you apologise and he punishes you with coldness and silence.

I could be wrong but I’ve seen this so many times, it does look like cheater manipulation to me.

KangarooKenny · 03/10/2022 06:54

When someone gives too much information, they are lying. And I think the grand gesture of offering to cancel is a red flag.
If I were you I’d be keeping a close eye on this, and getting my ducks in a row just in case.

Cornflakegirll · 03/10/2022 06:57

I expect he’s banking on you begging him to rebook that conference and ‘go have fun’!

girlmom21 · 03/10/2022 07:26

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 23:38

Just an update.
I told him he shouldn’t have cancelled. I apologised for my reaction.
He said he is sick to death of all this and he has done nothing to deserve these accusations.
He went cold on me as soon as this all happened and nothing has changed so I will just be cold straight back at him for the foreseeable future.
Thanks to everyone who commented.

You're being cold because he's fed up of you accusing him of shagging around?

Maybe it's time to grow up.

Original poster
Justanothercliche · 03/10/2022 07:48

You're being cold because he's fed up of you accusing him of shagging around?

No, he’s being cold towards me. I’ve already apologised, I didn’t actually accuse him of cheating but clearly uncomfortable with what I saw.
I made him a coffee. He didn’t drink it.
If someone doesn’t want my company that’s fine. I will wait for him to come to me.
I’m simply mirroring his behaviour.
If he wants to leave me, he wants to leave me.

I’m still mad about the whole thing. It’s probably best I leave him alone TBH.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/10/2022 07:50

It’s not wrong to voice your concerns.
If he has had his head turned, he may well use this as an excuse to go. But if not, he should talk to you and reassure you.

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 07:51

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 23:38

Just an update.
I told him he shouldn’t have cancelled. I apologised for my reaction.
He said he is sick to death of all this and he has done nothing to deserve these accusations.
He went cold on me as soon as this all happened and nothing has changed so I will just be cold straight back at him for the foreseeable future.
Thanks to everyone who commented.

I was undecided with this being a chicken or egg situation. Whether he was overreacting because he felt constantly questioned or you were constantly questioning because he was overreacting suspiciously.

But from this update I don't think the problem lies with him. Instead of giving him the cold shoulder try talking to him like a grown up.

cunningartificer · 03/10/2022 08:03

I'm not sure why you're so invested in his work doings. He's added you to the calendar--was this in response to you asking about this, to keep an eye on him, or just as a convenience so you know what he's up to. Is he added to your work calendar? It does seem a bit controlling to be honest. I agree with others that his assistant taking leave when he's away doesn't read like an affair; I suspect he's fed up of your suspicions and it's easier to back off than talk to you. Perhaps when you're both calmer it would be worth having a quiet chat about why you feel suspicious about his work and the possibility of an affair. What other signs are there, or what's lacking in your relationship that makes you unhappy? Talk about that first.

butterfliedtwo · 03/10/2022 08:09

Wakemeup17 · 02/10/2022 11:59

I was your husband once OP. I too, would cancel conference and business trips just not to need to listen to the nonsense about me having an affair. I wasn't having an affair.

This. Maybe he needs to consider if this relationship is worth the hassle. I would.

girlmom21 · 03/10/2022 08:09

Justanothercliche · 03/10/2022 07:48

You're being cold because he's fed up of you accusing him of shagging around?

No, he’s being cold towards me. I’ve already apologised, I didn’t actually accuse him of cheating but clearly uncomfortable with what I saw.
I made him a coffee. He didn’t drink it.
If someone doesn’t want my company that’s fine. I will wait for him to come to me.
I’m simply mirroring his behaviour.
If he wants to leave me, he wants to leave me.

I’m still mad about the whole thing. It’s probably best I leave him alone TBH.

He's being cold towards you because he's had enough. He's drained. He doesn't need to come to you. It gets to a point where an empty apology isn't enough. An apology means nothing if you don't actually fix your behaviour.

Herejustforthisone · 03/10/2022 08:11

Hmm. Either this ‘conference’ was bullshit in the first place and he was just planning a weekend away with her, or he’s cheating and is desperate to hide it, because no one who’s innocent and genuinely needs to attend a ‘very important’ conference would cancel it on a sniff of their wife’s suspicion.

Either way it looks pretty bad.

Aprilx · 03/10/2022 08:15

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 23:38

Just an update.
I told him he shouldn’t have cancelled. I apologised for my reaction.
He said he is sick to death of all this and he has done nothing to deserve these accusations.
He went cold on me as soon as this all happened and nothing has changed so I will just be cold straight back at him for the foreseeable future.
Thanks to everyone who commented.

Other people’s gut reaction was that the dramatic cancellation of conference was a sure sign of guilt. I always read it as him being sick to death of your behaviour and constant accusations.

If a woman said she couldn’t attend work functions and conferences with a male colleague without being accused of cheating I doubt anybody would say “well I suspect you are cheating”. And yet here as usual, the man is always in the wrong.

Aprilx · 03/10/2022 08:15

He has even had to give you access to his work calendar! How on earth do you do that anyway, I wouldn’t know how to give my husband access to my work calendar if I wanted to.

pjparty · 03/10/2022 08:28

It's easier for assistants to take time off at the same time the people they work for are OOO office at things like conferences as generally there is less for them to do over these days as the days are planned out for them already. I see it all the time where I work. Not necessarily anything to be suspicious about, I think it makes perfect sense.

genuinelyaskingforafriend · 03/10/2022 09:01

When colleagues ring me I'll tell them I'm in the car with the kids (even if it's a female colleague).

A friend would always take the same days off as her boss (unless she had something specific planned) as it made their work lives easier.

I'm sure he wouldn't really have fired her bit he's trying to make you feel better!

Tootels · 03/10/2022 09:23

Did you used to be your husbands PA? So your talking from experience?

Cheminaufaules · 03/10/2022 12:22

Cornflakegirll · 03/10/2022 06:49

Everything @MsDogLady said!

Huge grand gesture, cancels, no real reassurance, you apologise and he punishes you with coldness and silence.

I could be wrong but I’ve seen this so many times, it does look like cheater manipulation to me.

Agree with all of this.

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 14:40

Cheminaufaules · 03/10/2022 12:22

Agree with all of this.

Show quote history

I also agree with all of this.

He sounds highly manipulative, I think he's engineered this whole scenario.