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Original poster

Just a coincidence?

110 replies

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 10:13

Today my DH added me to his work calendar. Looking through I saw for his work conference dates (a four day weekend not over a public holiday) his assistant had added in her leave dates for his reference which fell over the same dates.

For history, my DH and her have great ‘banter’ and she tried to invite herself along to DH’s dinner with clients as his plus one until he learnt I was upset and I thought this was a sign he was cheating. He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her.

Upon seeing my face when I remarked my surprise that they were away for the exact same dates he reminded me he asked me to come with him and I had said no, that he wasn’t going with her and it was just a coincidence she had leave for the same time and he has now completely cancelled the conference without me having suggested it. This was apparently a very important conference for him.

Previously when she would call and we were in the car together he would immediately announce he was in the car with his family (reason being she has a ‘potty mouth’ and he didn’t want her to swear in front of the kids) now I’ve noticed he won’t even answer her calls if I’m with him.

Just a coincidence or is he cheating?

OP posts:
GloriousGlory · 02/10/2022 12:14

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 11:26

Conference was real. He would show me all the emails as soon as I asked. I don’t have to see them to know he was going.
I did used to be an assistant. A pa attending a client meeting would never have happened where I worked.

You sound totally paranoid. End the relationship, you either don't trust him and need to let him live a peaceful life not having to cancel, show emails, prove innocence etc. or he is having an affair.

Either way the marriage is over!

delilahhey · 02/10/2022 12:15

I put my leave dates in all my close team’s calendar - it’s the done thing where we are. I know for the higher up bosses that their PAs put the leave in their calendar.

this isn’t enough on its own.

Sunnytwobridges · 02/10/2022 12:17

I think it’s strange based on all the other info- inviting her previously then cancelling, announcing he is with family when she calls, etc. something seems off but I’m also an over analyzer

inheritanceshiteagain · 02/10/2022 12:21

You are ruining your relationship with your insecurity. Yes, his assistant has the hots for him and is trying to take your place. He, however is aware and is trying to put a stop to things where possible.

Honest conversation with your DH needed here. If he needs to redeploy her then he must do this, for her sake and yours.

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2022 12:21

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 11:12

His reactions are a bit extreme. I can't tell if it's guilt, or if he's trying to shift blame on to you. "You made me fire her because of your paranoia. You made me cancel the very important conference because of your paranoia." Scapegoating. Gaslighting.

Yep.

britneyisfree · 02/10/2022 12:22

I'd say he is shagging her yes. Why else would he suddenly cancel/ not go to stuff the second you ask a question.

That or you're really paranoid and cause him great stress so he avoids it rather than upsets you. Only you know if that's the case.

Cherchezlaspice · 02/10/2022 12:34

Why else would he suddenly cancel/ not go to stuff the second you ask a question?

Because constantly being accused of cheating is exhausting. After a while, it’s easier to just ‘give in’ completely from the outset. So, as opposed to going to a conference and trying to convince your jealous partner it’s all above board (generally impossible), you just don’t go.

KylieCharlene · 02/10/2022 12:36

I think he was going to this conference, and yes, had all the emails etc as he was booked on it- however I'm guessing he was likely going to be spending the majority of time with her.
The reason he was quick to cancel was because he wasn't really invested in this conference at all. He may have attended one seminar or whatever but the whole trip was basically a mini break for the pair of them.
Sorry

Madagascary · 02/10/2022 12:38

BakewellGin1 · 02/10/2022 11:20

I can't decide if I think your too controlling or if his over the top grand cancellations/offering too are a sign that he is guilty and feels the need to convince otherwise.

This. She didn’t ever suggest he should. He panicked

GloriousGlory · 02/10/2022 12:50

KylieCharlene · 02/10/2022 12:36

I think he was going to this conference, and yes, had all the emails etc as he was booked on it- however I'm guessing he was likely going to be spending the majority of time with her.
The reason he was quick to cancel was because he wasn't really invested in this conference at all. He may have attended one seminar or whatever but the whole trip was basically a mini break for the pair of them.
Sorry

I don't think this is likely to be the case. Why would she have taken annual leave instead of just accompanying the boss as his PA?

I mean I'd be pretty pissed off if my affair partner made me take leave for a weekend away at a conference!

AsterixInEngland · 02/10/2022 12:51

You don’t cancel a dinner with clients or going to conference like this, ESPECIALLY if it’s an important one.

Sorry but I would have an issue with that.

Bedazzled22 · 02/10/2022 12:53

I don’t think you are being paranoid or making a mess of anything. I’d feel the same.

An Assistant taking leave at the same time as the Boss is not suspicious. I am a PA and would regularly take my holiday when my bosses were away.

What is odd is his reaction to you bringing it up. Cancelling a conference, cancelling a dinner, offering to fire the PA is suspicious as its very extreme! Also making it known that you were in the car before she speaks is also suspicious. Sorry to say.

AsterixInEngland · 02/10/2022 12:56

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 11:15

until he learnt I was upset and I thought this was a sign he was cheating. He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her.

WTF!
You sound very controlling!

If you were a man you’d have much harsher replies.

Why can’t his work colleague go to a works dinner with him?

You are now not happy because he cancelled his conference too quickly?

What exactly is it you want from him?

If he’s so untrustworthy then why are you still with him?

I disagree there.

If the OP had demanded he stopped working with her, to cancel meeting with CLIENTS !?!) then you would have a point.

But @Justanothercliche didn’t. She just said she was upset and he did all those over the top things ‘to reassure her’.

I can’t ever imagine someone cancelling a meeting with clients Wo repercussions at work tbh. So it feels very dodgy to me.

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 13:25

If the OP had demanded he stopped working with her, to cancel meeting with CLIENTS !?!) then you would have a point.

My friend is in a controlling relationship and her DH never comes right out and says ‘you can’t go’ or ‘you can’t see this specific person’.

He will do it in a way where she does it either for an easier life or because he makes it feel like it’s her decision.

JustFrustrated · 02/10/2022 13:37

Ehhhh as a person who is a) prone to jealousy and b) is both the spouse who travels and has a travelling spouse I can't work this out.

Are you using the phrase "adds herself as his plus 1" to twist the fact they both attended in the remit of their roles, or really was a plus 1 and she attended in place of you?

Cause I know if go to a work event with my boss, I'm there in my capacity as a colleague, not a plus 1. If I was every referred to as his plus 1 I'd be cross, because it belittles what I'm actually there to do and infers a level or intimacy that isn't applicable.

Secondly, the conference - why the cancelling? That's weird and a massive financial hit.

Bookworm20 · 02/10/2022 13:51

I think its suspicious yes. The cancellations are well over the top. Are you sure she didn't attend the dinner previously anyway? And he ended up going tot he dinner anyhow.

But the conference where there were hotels and flights involved is a huge deal to cancel just because you mention his pa is off at the same time. Massive over reaction from him.

I do expect she has asked to book that time and he has privately bought her flight tickets, so they can use that opportunity of him at a conference as a weekend trip together.

I'd be checking if she ends up cancelling her leave request OP. If she does, then I don't think it was such a coincidence

Cheminaufaules · 02/10/2022 13:55

You're not being paranoid, OP. His reactions are way OTT and not the sort of reaction an innocent person would display. No way would I offer to fire someone on the basis of your description of events. I would reassure my partner and tell them that I would have a word with the colleague about their behaviour. No way would I cancel a conference trip just because a colleague was going too even if it appeared dodgy. I would know that I was innocent and so therefore no reason to cancel.

The thing about he'd asked you to do and you had said no. I hate to suggest this, but that is classic cheater technique. I've had that done to me. They ask you to go on the balance of probabilities that you might not want to go, or you might not be free to go. By you declining, it assuages their guilt when they take someone else behind your back.

Hawkins001 · 02/10/2022 13:58

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 11:26

Conference was real. He would show me all the emails as soon as I asked. I don’t have to see them to know he was going.
I did used to be an assistant. A pa attending a client meeting would never have happened where I worked.

Different rules for different companies, as you say he's the boss, his rules then. That said all the best and positivity op

Hawkins001 · 02/10/2022 13:59

Chances are if your dh is boss, the affair would be better in work hours, as less suspicious

123rd · 02/10/2022 14:04

Just as a quick reply, every time I take a call on speaker phone in the car, I always tell the caller that they are on speaker phone.

Madagascary · 02/10/2022 14:12

123rd · 02/10/2022 14:04

Just as a quick reply, every time I take a call on speaker phone in the car, I always tell the caller that they are on speaker phone.

Same

altmember · 02/10/2022 14:27

It's perfectly logical that your DH's assistant would take leave while he's away himself, sounds like the perfect time for it. If she was going to the conference with him then she wouldn't have it booked as leave would she. And the fact he's already invited you to go with him also suggests there was nothing going on between them.

I think you sound a bit paranoid and untrusting, and he's cancelled going to appease you (because he knows it's not worth the ear ache over it). You sound a bit controlling tbh.

Gazelda · 02/10/2022 14:40

Has he ever been unfaithful to you OP?

Have you been cheated on in the past.?
Apart from the dinner, conference and phone calls, has he ever given you cause to be suspicious?
Have you ever questioned him about his fidelity before? Either directly or by questioning his movements, contacts, diary, contacts etc.?
Is there any chance he could be tired of your questioning and suspicion?

Him suddenly cancelling the trip would set huge alarm bells ringing for me. But it'd be interesting to know the wider context.

Shittytittybangbang · 02/10/2022 15:14

You do sound paranoid, but I say trust your instincts. You aren’t overthinking. I suspect he was going away on a nice break, 4 days away, fancy hotel, quick pop into conference here and there and plenty of time with his assistant for sightseeing and shagging.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 02/10/2022 17:09

He cancelled going to the conference???? Why on EARTH would he do that?

Weird, OTT and non sensical reaction that would have me wondering....

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