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Original poster

Just a coincidence?

110 replies

Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 10:13

Today my DH added me to his work calendar. Looking through I saw for his work conference dates (a four day weekend not over a public holiday) his assistant had added in her leave dates for his reference which fell over the same dates.

For history, my DH and her have great ‘banter’ and she tried to invite herself along to DH’s dinner with clients as his plus one until he learnt I was upset and I thought this was a sign he was cheating. He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her.

Upon seeing my face when I remarked my surprise that they were away for the exact same dates he reminded me he asked me to come with him and I had said no, that he wasn’t going with her and it was just a coincidence she had leave for the same time and he has now completely cancelled the conference without me having suggested it. This was apparently a very important conference for him.

Previously when she would call and we were in the car together he would immediately announce he was in the car with his family (reason being she has a ‘potty mouth’ and he didn’t want her to swear in front of the kids) now I’ve noticed he won’t even answer her calls if I’m with him.

Just a coincidence or is he cheating?

OP posts:
wackamole · 02/10/2022 11:08

... she tried to invite herself along to DH’s dinner with clients as his plus one until he learnt I was upset and I thought this was a sign he was cheating. He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her. Is your husband Mike Pence? You both need to learn to separate work from personal life. She probably wanted to attend for the experience/exposure to clients, to help her career, not because she has the hots for some (unavailable) man.

... he has now completely cancelled the conference without me having suggested it. This was apparently a very important conference for him. He cancelled the conference, or he decided not to attend? Just ask him why, if you're curious.

Original poster
Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 11:10

In terms of the OTT reaction, I think he’s expecting me to talk him into un-canceling, so in my mind it’s like an empty grand gesture (he did end up going to the dinner after he said he was cancelling as I said he should go, the assistant didn’t go).
It does all sound a bit weird written down.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/10/2022 11:12

His reactions are a bit extreme. I can't tell if it's guilt, or if he's trying to shift blame on to you. "You made me fire her because of your paranoia. You made me cancel the very important conference because of your paranoia." Scapegoating. Gaslighting.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/10/2022 11:12

Just because you Google that a conference exists doesn't mean that he was ever booked to go to it.

Him rushing to 'cancel' his booking and offering to fire this woman stinks to high heaven (and would be illegal).

But to be honest OP you sound highly suspicious of anything he does. Why stay in this relationship if you're questioning everything he does? It all sounds exhausting.

Original poster
Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 11:12

Sorry I meant he cancelled his airline tickets, hotel tickets, conference tickets.

OP posts:
CornforthWhite · 02/10/2022 11:14

Sounds very strange. Trust your gut.

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 11:15

until he learnt I was upset and I thought this was a sign he was cheating. He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her.

WTF!
You sound very controlling!

If you were a man you’d have much harsher replies.

Why can’t his work colleague go to a works dinner with him?

You are now not happy because he cancelled his conference too quickly?

What exactly is it you want from him?

If he’s so untrustworthy then why are you still with him?

Original poster
Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 11:16

Okay, the more I read your replies I think I’ve perhaps really made a mess of things.

OP posts:
Backtonormalnow · 02/10/2022 11:17

No I don’t think you have made a mess. He has had a weird overreaction when you could have just discussed it.

Madagascary · 02/10/2022 11:18

I disagree. I think it’s odd

Madagascary · 02/10/2022 11:19

Honestly people come out with that” you sound very controlling”, yes a woman in control of her life.

Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 11:19

I don’t think you’ve made a mess of it at all! I’d be suspicious.

Madagascary · 02/10/2022 11:19

Oh and apparently the minute you’re suspicious of anything in a relationship do you have to leave it.

I wonder if people who type this stuff apply to the room lives as well

BakewellGin1 · 02/10/2022 11:20

I can't decide if I think your too controlling or if his over the top grand cancellations/offering too are a sign that he is guilty and feels the need to convince otherwise.

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 11:21

Offering to fire someone, cancelling dinner, and cancelling a conference doesn't prove you're not having an affair. That's how you shut someone else down from talking about it.

Aprilx · 02/10/2022 11:22

If the conference was real, then I think he cancelled it quickly because he is utterly sick to the back teeth of you being suspicious. I find some of your comments really odd, his assistant going to a client meeting is surely her attending a business meeting with her employer, not a “plus one” situation at all. I have a couple of friends who are PAs and they nearly always coordinate to take leave the same time as the boss.

Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 11:23

BadNomad · 02/10/2022 11:21

Offering to fire someone, cancelling dinner, and cancelling a conference doesn't prove you're not having an affair. That's how you shut someone else down from talking about it.

Yep…

I’ve seen all sorts of ‘grand gestures’ from men involved in affairs to prove their ‘innocence’.

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 11:24

Honestly people come out with that” you sound very controlling”, yes a woman in control of her life.

Oh please.

Imagine OP coming on here saying her DH made her cancel her works dinner because a male colleague was also going.

And now he’s made her cancel her works trip but he’s still not happy about how quickly she cancelled.

Every single poster would be telling her to LTB and saying how controlling he is.

You can’t lock someone away because you’re worried they’re up to no good - you either trust them, wait until you have more evidence or leave.

Original poster
Justanothercliche · 02/10/2022 11:26

Conference was real. He would show me all the emails as soon as I asked. I don’t have to see them to know he was going.
I did used to be an assistant. A pa attending a client meeting would never have happened where I worked.

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 11:27

I find some of your comments really odd, his assistant going to a client meeting is surely her attending a business meeting with her employer, not a “plus one” situation at all. I have a couple of friends who are PAs and they nearly always coordinate to take leave the same time as the boss.

Exactly.

She didn’t ‘invite herself as a plus one’, she works for him so of course is going to attend the work meetings.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2022 11:29

I’ve seen all sorts of ‘grand gestures’ from men involved in affairs to prove their ‘innocence

Yep. Along with “I swear on the kids lives”

liveforsummer · 02/10/2022 11:32

Surely if she was going she'd do it as a work outing and not take leave for it?! You're right though it's all a bit odd. Cancelling doesn't mean anything in terms of proof nothing is going on.

Wakemeup17 · 02/10/2022 11:59

I was your husband once OP. I too, would cancel conference and business trips just not to need to listen to the nonsense about me having an affair. I wasn't having an affair.

Watchkeys · 02/10/2022 12:12

Wakemeup17 · 02/10/2022 11:59

I was your husband once OP. I too, would cancel conference and business trips just not to need to listen to the nonsense about me having an affair. I wasn't having an affair.

I wondered if he might be cancelling just to avoid the accusations, and be totally innocent.

OP, you need to speak to him, and understand that if you can't trust his answer, you don't trust him, and your relationship is unhealthy.

RedHelenB · 02/10/2022 12:13

AsAnyFuleKno · 02/10/2022 10:55

He decided to cancel going to the dinner and offered to fire her.

Offered to fire her? You can't just fire someone because your other half is suspicious of them.Hmm

Or if she works for ithe people, not just him.

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