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Original poster

People making me feel guilty because DH does the school run...

103 replies

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:10

I dont know what it is but because he does the school run i feel as though people treat me like I dont do anything.

I cant put my finger on it. But if I'm working or doing something else people might say in shock, but who is picking up the kids? And when I say DH they act like its strange.

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

But the respect people give him for doing the school run because he is a male...

Its making me feel guilty too. Right now I'm feeling like a shit parent. Like I'm not doing enough because my day isn't revolved around the school run.

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 02/10/2022 01:12

Sounds like this is how you feel about yourself rather than what other people think, loads of dads down at my kids school no one bats an eyelid.

LHReturns · 02/10/2022 01:19

Are you sure they are judging you? It’s not just you judging yourself?

Raidtheice · 02/10/2022 01:25

Ignore them OP. I have a DH who is actually actively involved in the raising of his offspring without needing me to be ever present and the amount of raised eyebrows I've had over it all has been ridiculous. To the point where people have presumed DH and I are actually separated because he has taken them to medical appointments without me being there.

One of my colleagues was left speechless when I told her my DH makes the kids tea most nights while I work!

Coyoacan · 02/10/2022 01:26

I was thinking it sounds like people are missing you at the school gates

Original poster
Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:31

It might just be me. But I work in an agency at different placements and when people find out I have children and I'm not picking them up its like shock horror.

I had someone say to me, you have primary school children what if the school phones you?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 02/10/2022 01:35

Are you visiting us from 1960? What a load of tosh.

RewildingAmbridge · 02/10/2022 01:39

When I went back to work after mat leave I went back ft over 4 days, DH did the same, oh the adoration he got, mainly from women! My SIL almost gave him a medal when she realised he can work the washing machine. Why wouldn't be be able to?!
My go to response is, "he has a penis not a brain injury".

MsGrumpytrousers · 02/10/2022 01:42

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:31

It might just be me. But I work in an agency at different placements and when people find out I have children and I'm not picking them up its like shock horror.

I had someone say to me, you have primary school children what if the school phones you?

A lot of people are just sexist idiots. And quite a few men are rubbish fathers.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 01:42

It's pure sexism.

Nobody would ever raise an eyebrow at a man having children and not being the one to do school runs.

If anyone does judge you for it then remember the saying "don't listen to criticism from someone you wouldn't seek advice from."

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal.

Stop feeling grateful for the father of your children doing one bit of parenting when it sounds like the rest of it he leaves to you.

Which is much more of an issue than what other people think tbh.

Women aren't default parent. He isn't doing you a favour. He's doing some parenting. And by the sounds of it, not very much.

Spudina · 02/10/2022 01:45

My DH has always done the school run as it fits in with his hours better. DD1 is in year 6 and no one has ever mentioned it. Hi hey are being weird.

Spudina · 02/10/2022 01:46

They🙄

Original poster
Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:48

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 01:42

It's pure sexism.

Nobody would ever raise an eyebrow at a man having children and not being the one to do school runs.

If anyone does judge you for it then remember the saying "don't listen to criticism from someone you wouldn't seek advice from."

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal.

Stop feeling grateful for the father of your children doing one bit of parenting when it sounds like the rest of it he leaves to you.

Which is much more of an issue than what other people think tbh.

Women aren't default parent. He isn't doing you a favour. He's doing some parenting. And by the sounds of it, not very much.

I go from feeling pissed off that some weeks all he has done is the school run. To feeling like I'm missing a big part of their day and wow he is doing the drop off and pick up what would I do without him.

OP posts:
LHReturns · 02/10/2022 01:53

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:48

I go from feeling pissed off that some weeks all he has done is the school run. To feeling like I'm missing a big part of their day and wow he is doing the drop off and pick up what would I do without him.

Show quote history

But that is totally different to the title of your thread?

frozendaisy · 02/10/2022 02:00

It's not that unusual nowadays OP.

You are helping breakdown the stereotypes at the school gates. Rejoice, don't worry what others say or think.

My H did the morning primary drop offs before work it was a hoot for him and the kids. It was brilliant he could be part of their school day, show he valued their education. This input lasts longer than you think. You children will thrive so who cares what anyone else thinks apart from you it seems.

Singleandproud · 02/10/2022 02:05

My dad used to do the school run for me as I was working. People thought he was my partner despite the 30 year age difference. He is desperately missing it now DD is a teen and only sees her grandparents at the weekend.

The school run is nice to do occasionally but what is important is someone who is glad to see them picks them up. There are plenty of parents that pick their children up with their phone in hand and don't even pay their children any attention

Original poster
Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 02:11

Not really different from the title of my thread. I am feeling different emotions whilst also being questioned who is picking up my children. Things aren't black and white.

OP posts:
FarmhouseLiving22 · 02/10/2022 02:16

I'd say a good 70%, if not more, of the parents on the school run are the dads at my kid's school, and it was the same when I was a nanny. I don't think people are judging you, but they might just be curious?

LHReturns · 02/10/2022 02:26

It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job, and are a wonderful mother.

TomPinch · 02/10/2022 02:45

How do you know that people give your DH extra respect because he does the school run?

I cant put my finger on it. But if I'm working or doing something else people might say in shock, but who is picking up the kids? And when I say DH they act like its strange.

Do they? How exactly?

Harrystylestutu · 02/10/2022 03:11

My Dh does the school runs, he's met one other man that does the school run and they chat. I don't know if the mum's think he's a saint but just feel lucky I don't have to do them 😂

Cherryana · 02/10/2022 03:23

Men have a low bar - and women often enable it, through congratulations and admiration. So annoying when you have a much greater understanding of what goes on in your life, than people looking in.

Cailleachian · 02/10/2022 04:28

Oh god - so common. Mother is the default parent and is responsible for all things children, if father does anything, it is not only a massive sacrifice on their part that must be fully appreciated, but also evidence of maternal neglect.

My kids are grown now, but their Dad was a sahd, while I worked in a fairly senior role.

  1. First day of new job after DS2 , got grilled by older male colleague (same seniority) about my childcare arrangements and what I would do if children became ill.
  2. School phoned me in work- got me out of a client meeting to take the call - to tell me that my 6 year old refused to wear a hat at playtime, but their dad had said that he needed to because he had a cold, what should they do?
  3. Got a message from the school that they had taken 8 year old DS to A&E. I cancelled everything, rushed to the hospital texting their dad on the way, assuming that they hadnt been able to get hold of him because he had a hospital appt (coincidentally at the same hospital). When I got there, he was already in A&E with 2 teachers+son, who had a ziptie thing on his finger. Within 5 mins of my arrival we got called to triage where the nurse took a pair of nail scissors and snipped it off. They hadnt bothered to call him, but took me aside to let me know that it could have been serious and that my secretary had told them I was in a meeting and could not be disturbed when they called (this was not long after the hat incident which had become office lore as I'd taken the call in an open plan area ).
  4. While I was abroad on a work trip, just prior to a presentation, I got a phone call from the headteacher to say that lunch money must be exact and paid daily for each child, and that it was not just good enough to send in a fiver to cover 2x£2.30 and this was the second time this week it had happened. I had literally 10 mins until the presentation and could not get the headteacher off the damn phone.
  5. School used to phone me when Dad signed the slips to confirm that I was in agreement with sons going on school trips, because allegedly legally they had to have agreement from both parents (utter bullshit)
  6. School CONTINUALLY referrred to me by my childrens surname (their dad's surname), despite me having a different one, when I corrected, I was told it was confusing for the children and it was best if I adopted Mrs <Childrens surname> when dealing with family matters.
daisychain01 · 02/10/2022 05:03

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 02:11

Not really different from the title of my thread. I am feeling different emotions whilst also being questioned who is picking up my children. Things aren't black and white.

Why do you care what people from an agency think, who don't know you or your family?

junebirthdaygirl · 02/10/2022 05:47

My df did the school run in 1965 when l started school. There is absolutely no issue in a dad doing the school run. I have been a teacher for years and see loads of dad's. Is your dh acting the big guy because he does the school run and turning a blind eye to all the other things he could also do?

funzeny · 02/10/2022 06:02

The only difference is when there's nightout. Or camping trips that Muns become unsure on the protocol of invite the dads who are exactly like the mums. Pick up kids, these dads aftenend all the parties etc. but it's still an issue to invite the dad out. What's actually acceptable